Scars
by Raylie Knight
Summary: After being jumped after the war, Duo is now covered with scars and in his shame ran away for five years...but now Heero has managed to find him...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write about hem as I wish it would happen

1x2 yeah!

Scars 

Part one: Trying to Hide

Duo turned over in bed, thoughts running through his mind at high speed. He couldn't sleep, his mind lingered elsewhere, especially at this time of day.

Lying in bed in the dark, with only his thoughts alone with him in the small apartment. Barren of personal belongings and touches that made a place home. It was simply the physical needs, not even a proper couch, just a chair from the small kitchen table.

A mattress on the floor where he slept with the minimal amount of bedding. His pillow flat from use and the covers around him stirred up in a tangled mess.

He kept seeing the mirror reflection that looked back at him, stared right into his eyes and more importantly, mocked him as he scanned his own body. A mess now, of scars and burns that covered him like tangled weeds and distorted the once perfect and pale skin. He really hadn't meant for it to happen, it wasn't his fault, but that day he had been lazy, had let up his guard, so maybe it had been.

He still remembered it; it was the reason for his seclusion, why he hid from the light, from people, and from Heero. After he had been released, before even Quatre could find him, he had disappeared, destroying his trail thoroughly and totally. He had gone far from any place the other pilots would go, or ever thing to look for him.

That day, after the war was over, after peace was supposed to be finally achieved. He had been in town, finally happy, walking along with everyone else. Safe, no longer marked as a terrorist and no more OZ. Duo had been on his way to see Heero, his best friend, always, even if to him it was more, he was forever content just to stay by his side as a friend. But he hadn't even seen the men in the alley. His defense had been totally down, he had been too distracted and he had paid for it.

The one time he was content not to worry about he 'bad guys', they found him. That day they had taken him into the abandoned building and…

Duo felt along his chest, the shiny skin of burns healed over and the rough ridges of the scars where the knives had bit into his skin, slashed along his ribs and near his soft organs. They stood out against him, and he hadn't been able to get the make over done, he couldn't lie like that, but he couldn't face the other like this. And so he had hidden, reduced himself to this, a trapped being in a cold and desolate apartment that constantly retained the shades of gray all around him.

He stayed inside almost all day, only going out at night, and hacked. He had found the underground on computers compelling. Where he could be only a name on a screen, make friends he would never have to see, and go anywhere with no limitations. He sat on his bed, or near the window, and typed endlessly, even when the memories of Heero flooded back and filled his mind with that stoic figure sitting in front of a lap top, he typed on and on into the night and the next day.

Duo tossed like this when he lay still on his bed, though he covered his mirror, he still couldn't escape his own image looking back at him. A thin, tall, gangly figure that was nothing but a skin of scars. Dark rings below his eyes, always, and veins of blue that stuck out on him like a plant that over grew a wall or house. His long hair, chestnut and sun streaked, still vibrant even from the lack of sun, and his violet eyes still glowed in his elfish face like two pools of life. His golden cross about his neck the only mark of color on him, he walked about his apartment in gray seats and a black tank top, and only put on the treasures in his closet if he went out at night. Then he favored dark and heavy cloths that would hide all of him from view and allow him to pass through the crowds as his screen name, shinigamii.

Death that patrolled the streets and lerked in the dark corners of clubs and bars. Watching the people, their casual touches and loving embraces. They danced and moved in grace about him, never the wiser of him.

Tonight Duo ran from sleep, even if he had to think about all those scars beneath his cloths, for he could not face his dreams again. The shadows that chased him, the figures that raped him, and the screams that followed him in his escape from people, thousands of people who looked upon him in horror.

Duo finally got up and went online again. He listened to the dial up in the dark as the cars roared outside his window and the sound of angry voices crept through his walls. He found his favorite room and meet up with the daily visitors. He talked into the early morning with anonymous people and strangers who hid behind numbers. Until finally when the sun peeked over the buildings and he fell asleep in the stiff backed chair.

When Duo finally woke, it was to the sound of pounding on his door. Duo jerked up from his desk and fell out of his chair. He tightened his grip on a knife strapped to his leg underneath his sweats and stiffly headed for the door.

"Maxwell! RENT!" Duo relaxed and grabbed an envelop from the kitchen counter and went to the door. The landlord was tall and a weightlifter who always felt superior to everyone. And it worked with most tenants, but Dou always felt ready to put the man down if he laid a finger on him. But landlord Bruce was respectful of Duo, especially with all his scars, and one of the few people who did not shy away from the sight of Duo's face and body.

Duo handed over the envelope and made small talk with Bruce. He informed Duo of any changing renters or of new policies. And he was an ok guy, really very nice and understanding for all his attitude and outward appearance.

But Duo never talked long, he had become alien to human contact and shied away from people, even someone like Bruce. He said goodbye and went back to his computer. He sat down ready to put on one of his many CD's, for he found solace in the music, and he found a message on his screen.

It was a question. Just a question and a name under a one word file. Nothing else was listed for this mysterious person and, much like him, there was no way to trace the signal and find out about them. Duo was weary, but pulled up the question and his heart skipped a beat.

"02, why have you not reported?"

Duo stared at the screen in a stupor. He pushed back from the computer and didn't know what to do. He looked around as if he were being watched and stood ready to fight anyone who might be there. Though of course there was no one.

Duo finally typed back that he didn't understand and that whoever this person was seeking wasn't him. Duo severed his link and began to change his Screen Name. He deleted most files that would lead to him and got rid of anything under Shinigamii.

He couldn't be found, and if that had been whom he thought it was, he should probably move too. Duo was an expert and infiltration and hacking, his specialties were stealth and such, but there was in existence only one person who would be able to out due him. And after all his tries to get away, he was not about to face Heero now, especially not like this. He couldn't bear to think of Heero seeing him this way.

Duo was afraid to get on the computer for the next two days, he knew it was silly and not logical to think that Heero was still looking for him, but he couldn't bear to come across that message again. During the war and part of after, Heero had been his best friend. Then he had just disappeared, he could understand if Heero had looked from him after that, but not these many years later. It was inconceivable that the perfect solider would simply spend many yeas looking for someone who did not wish to be found while life went on around him.

Duo finally went on under a second name and alerted all his friends to the change. He once again sank into the underground and forgot about reality as he typed on for hours. He felt safe again; he covered himself thoroughly and hid from what Heero would look for, though it probably wasn't Heero at all. And that was enough to satisfy Duo to continue his life the way it was, sad as if may be.

Duo was not eating again; he couldn't stomach food and hold it down. It happened at least once a month. The lack of motion, the food he ate, the atmosphere and everything else made him sick and weakly so that he grew more this each time and his bones stuck out like razors against his scars. He hated it and vowed each time to change, but only ended up repeating the incident in one month's time. He would lay still on his bed with his window open, taking in the sunlight and doing what little exercise he could in his apartment. It made him woozy and he usually couldn't do a lot, but it helped.

Oddly enough, he lived near the beach. He loved to see the sun gleaming off the sand and to see the people walking around. Playing volleyball, swimming, sun bathing and other things such as building sandcastles. He had beachfront property in a small apartment building. But he had never once put a foot on the sand in the daylight. He would only watch them form a far and sometime pull down his hood in the moonlight and watch the ray reflect off the waves.

He now looked out his bedside window at a volley ball game and saw one of his favorites dive for the ball. Regulars were always easy for Duo to spot; he had even met some of them at nightclubs or when other landlords stopped by to visit Bruce.

Now Duo kept score and watched who won. He liked it for a moment, was content. He had watched such people during the war when he could. At the boarding schools, when they were hiding near a town before a mission. Duo missed discussing them with Quatre or just talking about them to Heero. But when that thought entered his head, he quickly snapped out of his daydream and had to lie back on his bed. He felt sick again and curled up in a tight ball.

He fought to keep down his stomach and tried to think of anything other than the other pilots and the few good times he had had during the war.

When the loud ring of his phone awoke Duo, he sat up and looked around, unsure of what to do. It was something he had never encountered before. The light streaming into his window was deep red and orange, it was sunset and threw everything into shadow, giving the phone and even more ominous affect. He thought about it and was actually sure that he had never given out his number, just kept it incase he got a job that required someone to call him. Otherwise he just worked from his computer and they wired the money to him.

So he sat there for about three rings simply staring at the phone and trying to come up with who would call him. He tenderly reached out a hand and picked up the phone on the fifth ring and put it to his ear.

"H-hello?" Duo croaked out and then cleared his throat, sure that whoever had called him hadn't heard. "Hello? Who is this?" Duo felt his heart beating in his throat, pulsing against his voice box and making it impossible to talk. And his stomach only added to the problem, since he had woken up it started to churn begging him to lay down again and go to sleep. He was almost positive he had a fever and his hand shook where he held onto his knee where his long legs spread out on the floor before him.

"Duo?" The voice was strong clear, and strangely, concerned. It was deeper than he remembered, but no amount of change could make Duo forget that voice, the one he treasured every time it spoke, for those times were far in-between. Duo blanched as Heero's voice came again. "Duo, is that you? Are you ok!"

Duo nearly dropped the phone and ran form the apartment. He couldn't speak, the words wouldn't come, and the mask he used to be able to call up in an instant was lost from him. All he could do was concentrate on not losing his stomach at the moment and to keep his hand from crushing the phone.

"Duo? Are you still there?" Duo realized he had to give an answer. He coughed back phlegm that threatened to come up.

"Y-yeah, yeah Heero, I'm here." Duo stammered. He wanted to smack himself in the forehead, 'smooth duo, real smooth.'

"Are you ok?" Heero asked, he was deffinantly concerned for him, but even to himself, Duo sounded sick and weak.

"Yeah! Yeah I'm fine, right as raind." Duo tried to sound stronger but realized that at the last minute he had added a d to rain.

"Duo, where are you? I mean, why did you leave, you didn't even tell Quatre where you were going." Heero actually sounded flustered. But that couldn't be, he was the perfect soldier, the one who was like a well-oiled machine, never faltered, never had fear, never felt pain, he didn't even have emotions. Duo remembered a Heero who barley talked and was like a stonewall that was always ready for anything thrown at it. This new voice of concern just didn't fit with his mental picture of the pilot of Wing.

"I-I was…I mean it was…" Duo panicked, what Heero had said, he knew where Duo was, probably right down to where he was sitting at that very moment. Could be in the city, on that block, coming straight towards him on a cell phone! "A-actually, I really don't have time to talk right now Heero, I have to…umm…I have to go buy food!" Duo felt a cold sweat creeping down his back, making his bangs stick to his forehead.

"Duo, this is important, just talk to me, you can buy groceries later." Heero sounded sterner instantly; no nonsense and ready to storm over there just to talk to Duo face to face.

"No you see, I really can't," Duo began to ramble, he needed a way out, fast, "The store closes soon and I have no food for supper, I can't order out, I need a special food, and I have to pick up medication." 'SHIT!' Duo realized too late what he had said.

"Medication?" Heero was back to sounding concerned. He could be ready to jump up and run to Duo's apartment if he were sick.

"Ummm…I ran out of stuff in my medicine cabinet, ya know, just in case." Duo tumbled on. This was not going well at all, and he couldn't throw off Heero. He didn't even know how Heero had gotten he number in the first place; he wasn't supposed to find Duo.

"Duo, would you calm down and talk to me." Heero sounded slightly annoyed now, as if he knew exactly what Duo was doing.

"Heero, I really can't! I have to go!" Duo started to take the phone away from hi ear, it was too painful, he couldn't talk to Heero, couldn't hear the concern in that voice, concern for him. Images kept coming to mind, fighting for attention, to remind him of how good it had felt, to be so carefree, to hand from tree branches talking to Heero, even when he wouldn't listen. The touch of rough skin, fighting side by side, and the adrenalin rush while escaping near death, everything they had done, just saving the world and being near Heero.

"Duo, don't hang up, I'm coming over!" Duo slammed the phone down; alarms in his head went off like sirens. Heero, Heero was coming, coming to his apartment, rushing to where he was even as he sat there stunned.

Duo stood quickly, and then sat down just as abruptly. He nearly lost everything in his stomach right there, including bile. He leaned against the cool surface of the concrete wall and concentrated on breathing for a few seconds. Then he let his eyes fall on what little he had around the room. He decided he could come back for it if he really needed it; he got up unsteadily and made his way to his computer. He quickly downloaded everything to a disk and stuffed it in his pocket, then he grabbed a long sleeved back shirt with a high collar then his hooded trench coat and pulled it on. He slipped on steel-toed boots without bothering to lace them up and grabbed his keys from a hook on the wall. He had no idea of how far away Heero was and he needed the fastest exit possible. He raced down a flight of back stairs, having to stop at least twice before he headed head first down the incline, and then came out in the laundry room. Stairs on the far wall led up and out into the back alley. He stumbled past Mrs. Karnes and her daughter doing laundry and up the stairs and out into the hot sunlight. It burned his eyes and made him stumble again at the sudden light change.

Duo fell against the concrete wall of the four-story building and look around. It was dingy and dirty and there was a big trash bin, but he could see the beach and the other direction that led to the street. He went for the street; he could go into any number of stores or clubs that were opening now that it was near dark. He came out onto the street and slowed his pace down to a stroll, he would stand out if he began to run away from his building as if it were on fire. He walked quickly and purposefully for the market, as if he were going to get food, even if he couldn't stomach it. But it looked good, and the night air was cold coming off the water, sot he heavy coat didn't make him that conspicuous.

Duo wound through the maze of food stands, and small store, deeper into town and away from his apartment. Guilt ate away at his stomach, making it worse and the pain made him want to double over and just fall asleep on the street. He also felt like the worlds biggest coward, people all over the world were handicapped and didn't care a thing about what people thought of them, but if Duo faced Heero and saw that look, disgust, fear, anger, he couldn't bear it!

So he walked on, even as he grew dizzy, even as his feet grew sore, as the night grew cold and dark, till he found a club he had never been to. It was loud and noisy and full of people, but not so crowded so that he would have to wait outside. He strolled in, letting the bouncer see that he was old enough and went into the back. He nearly melded into the wall and just let the pounding of the bass beat wash over him and beat inside his thin chest. It felt good going down his back along the wall and into his feet through the floor. He watched bodies melt into one another and men and women danced in the rain of flashing lights and the sound of the DJ.

Duo let his pain wash away and let the dizziness subside, as he held still long enough. He was still nauseous, but that wouldn't be going away anytime soon. Normally this atmosphere would give him a headache in this condition, but now, he felt relief, he was away, far away from his home, Heero wouldn't be able to track him here, not even with dogs, there were too many people. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the music.

But it was no sanctuary, halfway through a song that Duo distantly knew; he was grabbed roughly by the shoulder.

"Dance with me Babe!" Duo got a face full of liquor breath. It was practically soaked down with beer and something else. The man looked groggily at Duo and smiled lazily at him, pulling him out onto the dance floor in hard jerks.

"Umm, I think my date is telling me we're leaving now, but thanks anyway." Duo started to pull away. His hood was yanked down hard and the man got a fistful of braid.

"Your hair very lovely." He began to move to a beat that was off with the music. Duo swayed as an elbow hit his head and another hit him in the gut, the guy was shoving him in to everyone. No one moved to help him and Duo was at the mercy of the man while he was off balance and deathly sick suddenly ready to collapse.

Duo was getting upset very quickly, somewhere between anger and desperation. He grabbed the man's hand and bent back three fingers till they broke, all he could manage in his current state. The man abruptly let go of Duo and he fell forward to the dance floor while the drunks screaming made the whole place freeze and look over.

"Mother Fucker Broke My Fingers!" The man charged for Duo as he reached the door and tripped outside. Duo twisted his foot in the gutter and landed face first on the street. On the back road there were no cars, but hat also meant the man would catch him easier. Duo stood and pushed forward on his leg muscles that protested loudly and screamed at him to stop. But he shoved off the curb and ran across the street.

His pace was slow and his stomach was ready to jump up and was choking him in his esophagus. The man caught him, grabbed his coat flying behind him and yanked Duo backwards with his good hand. Duo fell back and his head hit the pavement with a loud crack. Stars burst in front of his vision and made him blind for a couple of seconds. He concentrated on the darkness around his vision and was able to see again right before the man's foot connected with his gut. Duo choked up and his stomach fluids came forth from his mouth. He knew he was in real trouble now. He panicked; it was just like that day. They had started with beatings, and then pulled out knives and lighters.

Duo wanted to scream, needed help, but his mind was leaving him quickly. He was going to black out if the man hit him like that again. He couldn't find his voice, but why was no one form the club helping. Duo felt the man looming over him again.

"Here's what you get for breaking my fingers!" The man raised his hand as Duo looked up, ready and accepting his fate, just more scars right?

But the man stopped, his hand, over and behind his head, didn't come down. He was frozen, pain and terror coming over his face. He fell forward over Duo, into the cub behind him and to his buddies who, in their drunken stupidness, had actually been cheering him on and keeping other people from helping Duo.

And standing over Duo was a tall, hard figure that could never be forgotten or mistaken, even in different cloths Duo recognized Heero. He was bigger than the teenager he had been, built more thoroughly and wearing jeans and a t-shirt that fit him perfectly. Duo could smell a strong and familiar sent coming off him, but his vision was blearing again.

Heero was looking over Duo at his discharged victim. "Duo, are you ok?" He looked ready to dish out more justice if need be, but Duo wanted out of there, fast.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He pulled up his hood, hiding the one long scar along his cheek and under his right eye. Half burn, half knife cut, but healed over so that it all looked like one.

Duo fought to stand up and failed, his body gave out beneath him in limp protest. He felt Heero's strong arms grab him up before he hit the ground and bring him up so he could lever one of duo's arms over his shoulder.

"My car is 5 yards this way." Heero directed as he steered Duo towards a parking lot on the side of the club.

"Get back here, you can't just walk off!" A person called behind them. But Heero simply looked back and they let the pair go off into he night. Duo could imagine the deathly look on Heero's face and let out a chuckle that turned into a moan at the pain it aroused.

Heero cradled him more and practically carried Duo to the passenger side door. He levered him inside a low sports car and then buckled him in safely. He went around the car and started it up.

"The nearest hospital is fifteen minutes away, I need you to stay awake till then." Heero commanded.

"NO! No, hero, no hospital, I'm fine." Duo could hear a slight slur in his voice and grimaced, still hiding as much of his body as he could sitting this close to Heero.

"Unacceptable, you may have a concussion and you sounded ill over the phone." Heero explained plainly.

"I'm Fine Heero, no concussion, my eyes aren't even dilated." Duo said pulling down the mirror over him. "Just take me home please." Duo said in as big a voice as he could muster. He knew his body well enough and he deffinantly did not want to go to a hospital where they would have no record of him, make him undress and then have Heero find out everything, for surly he would stay to see that everything was taken care of.

"Duo, you need professional help, those blows-"

"Were no more than baby kicks to me, he just got me off balance. Heero, please?" Duo looked out at him from under his hood, using his years of practice to hide his scars in shadow and still show Heero his full face.

Heero stalled, still driving towards the hospital, but then set his mouth in a frown and pulled over to the far lane to do a u-turn.

"Thanks Heero. You're a real friend buddy." Duo relaxed slightly and leaned back in his seat. He wouldn't fall asleep, but the pounding in his head needed to die down before he had to climb the stairs to his apartment.

Heero took him to his apartment and got him inside, and to Duo surprise and delight; the elevator was working for once. Duo pushed the button and waited as it came down form the top floor. Heero still stood steadily by him.

"See Heero, I'm here, safe and sound, you can go on home and tell Quatre that everything is fine." Duo tried to turn away from him and give him the hint to leave now.

"No, I still have unanswered questions." Heero said shortly. Duo didn't like the sound of that, he would want to come into the apartment and see what Duo's life had become, and Duo couldn't keep wearing his jacket, it was almost stifling just in the lobby.

"Ummm…I'm not really prepared for guests Heero, maybe another time?" Duo tried. Heero looked at him.

"It is all right, I remember how sloppy you were during the war." Heero had a look that was almost a smile and that shut Duo up long enough for the elevator to come and for Heero to get on. Duo followed at a loss for what else to do.

On his floor, as Duo got out his keys he made one last attempt at diverting Heero.

"Maybe you could come back tomorrow or next week and bring Quatre and we could all have tea or something?" Duo smiled as best he could, still hiding under his hood.

"Maybe, but that will be my second visit." Heero said matter-o-factly. Duo sighed heavily and opened the door, he would say his apartment was recently sprayed of bugs and he would have to let Heero see his face, but he rest of his body was strategically covered, it would be quick with as little pain as possible.

Duo walked in and let Heero come in behind him and headed for the small closet he owned in his room dropping his fault disk on his desk as he went by. No need for that to get forgotten in his pocket. He hung up his coat and hesitated going back to see Heero, his stomach was heaving inside him and his legs were wobbly. He listened to Heero, standing in one place, most likely looking around at the bare apartment and logging it away as a file in his mind.

Duo gave in as his shoulders slumped forward and he put on as much of his mask as he could, which was ok, considering he was just beat up. He came out and found Heero's back facing him, looking at his dingy kitchen in the little light from the overhead lamp. He turned at the sound of Duo behind him and Duo watched as Heero turned and his eyes fell on him.

The first reaction was recognition, then concern and then shock. He took a step toward Duo, who instantly took one back out of habit. His smile faltered.

"W-what is it Heero, you look surprised?" Duo tried to sound witty, but ended up sighing and walking around Heero.

"You want a drink?" He opened his nearly empty fridge to find a few sodas, left over pizza and a few other scraps of food. Or maybe, what had once been food.

"Duo...Your face…" Heero sounded sad and still in shock, as if he had just woken up. Duo turned.

"Sorry about the place, I just had it de-bugged, all my stuff is still in storage and I haven't had a chance to re-stock the fridge, but I have soda if you want." Duo was slowly coming down, his mind shutting off unnecessary functions and sleep crept at the edge of his consciousness. He tried to focus on Heero, that was the easy part, Heero had always been the center of his attention, would always be as long as he was around and even when he was away. He was a fascination, even now, when fear of rejection and reaction coursed through Duo's veins, he was still looking over Heero, amazed at the changes over the years they had been apart, and what had not changed.

"Duo, what happened to your face?" Heero was in front of him in no less than three strides. His hand came up to touch Duo, but when he cringed the hand swayed and backed off. Duo was still weary and cautious of people and raised hands. Everything was a threat. His child hood had also implanted that instinct to stay away from men who would beat you or rape you.

Duo stared into Heero's eyes; they were different, not hard cobalt blue, not fierce and stern, but almost gentle and caring, surly full of concern for a friend. Duo slumped down even more.

"It's nothing, just a little scrape I got in a car accident." Duo said the first thing that came to mind, and surprisingly, Heero accepted it. He backed off and looked around again. Duo was a little disappointed somewhere deep inside, it shouldn't have been that easy, for years he had imagined what he would say, what he could do to hide it, and now here was Heero, standing in front of him, in the little apartment, and it was just that easy.

Duo saw Heero turn to him again and then look him over, the baggy pants, long sleeved back shirt, and gloomy expression, his limp braid and soggy bangs.

"You are tired, I will leave you to sleep." Heero looked around gain as if wanting to say something. "You will be alright?" Heero asked.

Duo thought about that and then nodded. His brain was picking up things slow, he needed sleep, but needed to throw up something first. He didn't even wait a moment longer, he ran to the bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet. His stomach muscle contracted and anything that had been left was now up and burning his throat and nose. Tears blurred his vision and fell with his projectiles in the murky water.

Duo heaved and heaved again till it was dry and he was choking. He suddenly felt a hand on his back and stiffened against it. But as it ran up and down his back, he relaxed. The heaving stopped and he sat back on the cool tile and leaned against the wall. A cool washcloth came to his face and wiped over his dry lips. He felt water put o his lips later and drank in little sips so that the taste was out of his mouth and his throat cooled down.

"Better?" Heero's quiet voice asked. Duo nodded and let Heero help him up and to his mattress. He felt it when Heero hesitated at his bed and opened his eyes enough to see Heero's frown.

"Movers broke the frame." Duo managed to get out before he coughed again.

Heero nodded, Duo felt the movement through his shoulder and then he helped Heero lever himself down to the bed. His feet were put off, and his boots were taken off. So were his heavy socks and then they were put on the cool sheets, bare and free.

He felt hand roving up his shirt, ready to take off the warm shirt and he yelped despite the pain it brought him. He clutched at the hem of his shirt and held it firmly in place.

"Duo?" Heero turned his name into a question.

"I like this shirt." Duo fumbled with the sheet to pull it over him.

"You'll get to warm." Heero said reasonably.

"I'm cold, I'll take it off later if I get hot." Duo tried again to sway Heero, but his suspicion was up now. He began to realize that Duo had been wearing winter cloths in a temperate weathered area and now he was refusing to undress even for bed, which he probably had pajamas for anyway.

"Duo, is there something…" Heero dropped off, he reached up and Duo felt light fingertips on his neck. His eyes flashed open as he realized that in his haste to pull down his shirt he had exposed his neck where two scars started. He jerked away from Heero with all he had and pinned himself up against the wall.

"Leave now Heero, I'm fine and I need sleep." Duo let his expression become dark, let his eyes lower and his bangs throw them into shadow.

Heero looked stunned as a deer in the headlights. He opened hi mouth to say something and then closed it again. He set his face as Duo had and seemed ready for battle.

"No Duo, something is wrong. Why did you leave us when you were eighteen, why did you disappear for five years? Why couldn't I find you? What are you hiding now Duo?" Heero got up on the mattress.

"NO!" Duo yelled. He banged against the wall again. "No, no, no!"

Hard hands grabbed Duo's shirt, hands that could bend iron and break men in half, snap necks and keep people safe, and the edges began to tear. From the tears came a loud rip and Duo felt cool air rush to his skin. He curled up as tight as he could, as quickly as he could and covered what he could. But Heero say, with soldiers eyes he saw everything.

And his face contorted in horror, just as Duo had known it would. He couldn't watch, he looked down, curled up, began to sob uncontrollably and felt bare and exposed towards the one person he loved and he couldn't stand it.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write about hem as I wish it would happen

1x2 yeah!

Scars 

Part two: Avoiding

"D-duo…" Heero was in a stupor. He didn't know what to do. Couldn't get near Duo, couldn't say anything to him. He kneeled at the end of Duo's mattress and looked down at his huddled figure.

Duo couldn't stand the silence; he wanted to lash out at Heero for his ignorance and that he had come looking at all. Duo cringed and moaned loudly. He hated this, hated himself, and even hated Heero a little bit for causing all of this.

"Duo, I…I'm sorry, who…who…" Heero was stuttering, very un-Heero like and it confused Duo. But he was weary of the Anger rising in Heero's voice. He held onto himself tighter and tried to stop crying.

There was a loud pounding on the door that stopped Heero mid-sentence. But he ignored it and looked at Duo, sad, angry, sympathetic and horrified all at the same time.

"Duo?" It was Bruce, "Duo are you ok? I heard a pounding, is everything ok?"

"Duo-" Heero moved closer to Duo on the mattress, reaching out a hand to touch him. Duo panicked, he couldn't stand this, it was eating him up inside and his head was pounding, and his stomach was contracting again.

"NOOO!" Duo screamed and tried to get away again, kicking his feet out at Heero.

There was a loud smash from the front of the apartment as Bruce kicked in the door, mistaking Duo's scream for something it wasn't. He rushed in to see Heero poised over and half naked Duo, pulling the covers up around him, crying and looking absolutely panicked. "Bastard!" Bruce screamed at Heero, and he ran forward and grabbed him, still stunned from Duo's scream.

Bruce held Heero tight with his muscled, tattooed arms and was ready to beat him to a pulp. Duo lay on the bed, trying to wipe away tears and wrapping the sheets around him while he got up.

"No Bruce, Don't hurt him! It's ok, it's ok!" Duo was panicked now, and his body trembled, but he had to stop this. He was talking to Bruce, calming him down, but he knew perfectly well he was only telling him not to hurt Heero for his ego. Heero, though small, thin and not a built up as Bruce, could've killed the larger man with his bare hands.

"Duo, what's going on here?" Bruce asked, still ready to jump to Duo's defense.

"It's ok Bruce, this is Heero, he...he's a friend from the war, I just got a little excited is all. Its fine, he wasn't… he wasn't trying anything." Duo had a hard time getting it out, just the words and the fact that he felt he would drop to the floor at any moment.

Bruce slowly lowered Heero to the ground and apologized lightly. He then turned to Duo. "You're ok?" Duo nodded. "Ok, I'll see ya later." Bruce left, slowly, giving Heero a look as he went by.

Duo fell back to his mattress, curling up again, covering himself completely with his blanket. He could hear Heero shutting the door after Bruce and then return to Duo's room. He looked down at Duo's figure hidden under the light sheet, shivering.

"I did not expect to find you this way." Heero seemed to be talking more to himself than to Duo.

"Please Heero, just go. I'm sick and tired and sore and I need sleep." Duo was nearly choking out sobs again.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning, maybe take you to breakfast?" Heero sounded light, trying for a more cheerful note to leave on. Duo just nodded and closed his eyes. He heard Heero leave softly, even heard distant footsteps leaving his hallway, before he began to cry again.

Duo got up sometime in the early morning and checked his door. His main lock was busted completely from the hinges. Duo had actually made it himself, not trusting factory made. He sighed heavily and put on all of his back ups and then went to bed again. He curled up in a nest of sheets and fell asleep in a fetal position while the predawn light tried to fight past the heavy blinds he had up.

Duo hated to get up, he was warm and comfortable and safe. He lay in his baggy pajamas. Around ten that morning he had gotten up and taken a shower, cleaning out his long braid and then folding it up in a towel. It was now twelve and Duo wondered, while he lay on his mattress, freshly clean and slightly red skinned from the hot water, what he looked like in Heero's eyes. He imagined himself, it wasn't that hard, his own image imprinted in his mind. He was skinny and scrawny; he hadn't matured much physically since the war. His muscles had had a chance to tone down in his relaxation and new life style. His finely toned body and reduced to that of a young bachelor who barley went out at all. Pale skin, ruined and disfigured by scars.

He could see it all now, two that started at his neck, knife wounds, which went into an "x" across his chest and ended around his sides. Burns across the rest, barely anything left unmarked. There was a mark, in the shape of a curved wave, a burn from when one of his attackers had heated up his ring with a lighter and then pressed it into the skin right next to Duo's belly button. On his back were the criss-cross shapes of serrated blades and broken glass. Some were wider than others due to the attack of infection later. On his sides, near his ribs on rather side were the letters 'S' and 'G' burned in by matches and lighters, sloppy work, but you could still read them.

There was the scar on his face, and there were more on his legs where they had simply went on to cause more damage, no creativity there. Just raised skin where the bite of metal and fire and disfigured him forever. Even the doctors at the hospital had given him little hope. He could've had a surgeon take a look at him, but the doctors had said there was probably little one could do for him. Even new technology couldn't help him, he would look like this for the rest of his life and beyond until his skin finally melted off his bones.

Duo felt himself shaking; despair and self-hatred were coursing through his veins. What a horror he must have been in Heero's eyes. Duo curled up tighter, now he really didn't want to get up! It was almost unbearable! He still remembered when he had gotten this place, the first thing he'd done had been to cover up all the mirrors until he could permanently remove them. He despised his own image now, only his hair remained safe from his constant self-criticism. It was a treasure and a memory forever.

That and the cross he still kept hanging over his bed on a silver push pin. He couldn't wear it anymore, it felt wrong to put something so precious on such a monstrosity, so he hung it there and fingered it every once in a while to assure himself it was still there, still strongly solid and reassuring. It made him forget fro a while, let him escape into a sea of happy memories with sad ends, but it was better than the life he knew now.

When the phone rang around twelve forty, Duo jumped up and grabbed it off the cradle and then hesitated. He hadn't admitted to himself that he had been waiting for the call. Begging for Heero to call, he had said he would, and he wanted so much to hear that steady and strong voice.

"Hello?" Duo's voice wavered as he put the receiver to his ear and listened closely. His knuckles were white while he clutched his sheets with his other hand. He'd been high strung and it felt as if his nerves would never wind down if he didn't just admit to himself how great it was to finally have contact with Heero.

"Duo, it's me." Duo sighed in relief and laid back on his bed to listen intently to Heero. "I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, I had a job to take care of and I suspected you might still be asleep from your…your strenuous evening."

"Is that code for 'Since you got your ass kicked' Heero?" Duo smiled and turned onto his side, cradling the phone like it was some holy relic that he would never let go of.

He heard Heero let out a chuckle and his emotions soared, he loved that sound, wanted to remember it always. Heero never laughed, or he had never used to, something had happened since the war, he seemed in touch with emotions that Duo had never been sure he'd ever had.

"I'm in my car, on my way there, did you want to go out to lunch?" Heero sounded at ease, but his words made Duo instantly queasy.

"Ummm…well, ya see, the thing is…I…" Duo was frantically searching his mind for some kind of excuse, but he needn't have worried so.

"Or we could order take out if that's better?" Heero put in quickly, as if afraid Duo would slam the phone down and run again. But Duo couldn't do that, he was hooked on Heero, like he was some kind of drug and he had to see him again to get his fix. Even if Heero would never be his, he could still be in his presence, and for now that was enough.

"That would be ok." Duo said in a little voice that was barely a hairs note above a whisper. He could hardly believe himself for doing this; he hadn't thought he could let Heero see him again.

But maybe, just maybe…Heero would understand, would accept him like this?

"I'm on my way, see you soon. Bye." Heero hung up as Duo said goodbye and then was looking around in silence. Most of his cloths were dirty; his hair was a mess from still drying and his place looked about as lively as it usually did. So Duo just gave in and lay back down, right after making sure his pajamas covered all of him that they could.

Duo was still lying there when Heero knocked on his door and he got up to let him in. His baggy sweat pants were missing cuffs and swayed around his ankles as he walked, he wore a long sleeved shirt that was also missing hems and cuffs, but covered all but his neck. He had braided his hair back, even though it was still damp and had made the slightest attempt to look cheerful as he greeted Heero.

Heero was dressed in Dockers, black and pressed till the seems stood out perfectly and professionally. He wore and green button down t-shirt and had a pair of sunglasses resting in his shirt pocket. His shoes were clean and his socks weren't seen as he walked into Duo's apartment.

"Good mor-afternoon." Heero said with a small smile, only quickly glancing over Duo and then looking elsewhere, accepting his appearance and making no comment on it. Duo was grateful for his laid back attitude and how comfortable he seemed in the apartment. It allowed Duo to put on what smile he could and move around to clear his small kitchen table of his work.

"What do you feel like today, Chinese? Italian? Any nearby restaurants you would recommend that deliver?" Heero pulled out one of the three chairs that Duo had and sat down at the table that Duo was clearing of mess and transplanting it to his desk.

"Ummm…there's a pizza parlor that has good Garlic sauce and delivers pretty quickly." Duo mumbled, unable to think of anything else.

"Ok. That sounds good to me." Heero moved the phone sitting on the edge of the table so he could order, "What's the…never mind." Heero found the number of the pizza parlor listed on a post it that was stickling to the phone.

He ordered them pizza while Duo did a quick check on his computer and then logged off.

"What do you do?" Heero asked when Duo joined him at the table.

"Huh?" Duo paused and stared at Heero like a frightened child.

"I mean as a living, you don't seem to have to be anywhere." Heero observed, looking like he regretted the question slightly.

"Oh, I ummm, I do computer jobs, design web sites, put up firewalls, just little things." Duo looked down at the table.

"But expensive, you should be living better than this." Heero said it as a comment, but Duo looked slightly disturbed by it.

"What do you do?" Duo took a chance at the offensive.

"I do work for the preventers, just odd jobs that are for part time workers." Heero said it easily and Duo wished he could be carefree again, take the pressure riding on the moment and crack a joke like he used to be able to.

"Why no work full time, bet they could use an agent like you." Duo wondered out loud.

"I have other stuff to do that eats up my time, so I just help them out occasionally." Heero admitted and Duo made a funny face.

"Heero Yuy, Newest model, hobbies included." Duo smiled freely for the first time. Heero looked at him oddly and then laughed. It rolled out of him like thunder, but it crawled up Duo and into his stomach where it made him slightly giddy.

"What are your hobbies anyway?" Duo asked, he felt courage pushing him on now, he felt something inside that he hadn't since he'd left.

"Not much, mostly the past few years I've spent…looking for…you." Heero admitted it slowly, pulling the silence out longer, revealing the secret.

Duo didn't know how to react, he sat there looking at Heero and trying to come up with a feasible answer, but his voice wouldn't come and his mind was blank. He sat still as stone, watching Heero's eyes looking at him, hopeful and forgiving. He wanted to touch Heero, to find out what was behind those eyes, find out how he'd changed.

Duo made the mistake of looking down at his hands. The line of a thick scar ran up to his wrist, the one that had nearly helped take his life away, and the image of himself ran through his mind again. He remembered the look on Heero's face from last night.

"Wow, looks like I gave you a run for your money if it took you this long!" Duo stood up and put on a face to hide what was suddenly threatening to come out. "I wonder what's taking the pizza, they're usually here by now."

"Duo…" Heero started, but the buzzer went off and Duo jumped to answer the door. He paid the pizza man and brought the pizza to the table.

"Doesn't it smell good?" Duo placed the box down and opened it slowly so that the steam coming off the melted cheese would drift out and fill his apartment with a warm smell.

"Duo, I wanted to tell you-" Heero started to say, but Duo cut him off.

"Dig in Heero, its good pizza, you'll like it!" Duo handed him a slice and stuffed his own into his mouth. He looked around desperately for something to do, something to say, something to distract Heero.

"Yes, it is good," Heero said after he'd taken a bite, "But Duo, I wanted to ask you a question."

Duo looked up and stopped chewing. He wanted to run, to hide, to get Heero out of his apartment and get on his computer, there people didn't question you, and Duo already know what this question would be.

"Duo, why did you leave? Where did you get all those scars? I remember the war, and only some of those are from that time." Heero looked at him with steel edged eyes, he was slightly angry and very compassionate.

"I, Heero, I…I have a job, and it's going to take me most of the day, leave your number and I'll call you when I have some free time, and we can do this again sometime." Duo stood and quietly went to his desk. He sat down and logged on, still eating.

"Duo, I can't leave, I have to know, why did you leave?" Heero stood over Duo, a strong presence, demanding Duo's attention.

"Heero, I have to work and I can't do it while you are here, please leave." Duo felt a twitch near his eye, he was going to cry again soon and he couldn't stand to have Heero see, this was what he had become and his shame spread out from him, making him regret eating.

"I'm not leaving, I need to know, someone did this to you didn't they?" Heero's anger was a tangible force that overcame Duo's shame, but why was he angry?

Duo stood slowly and steadily, he pushed down all of his emotions and looked at Heero.

"You will leave now, this is my apartment, my property, and I am asking you politely to leave." Duo forced his gaze to be harsh and angry, even as inside he was breaking, tearing up a piece of him he knew he wanted back as soon as he pushed it away.

"D-duo…?" Heero backed up a step at Duo's force. Then his own expression changed and he took up his anger easily. "I will not leave you like this! There is something wrong here and as your friend I demand to know what happened five years ago!" Heero meet Duo and they stared at each other, and then to Heero's shock, Duo smiled, it was the dark smile of Shinigamii, a face that only OZ soldiers had seen before they died.

"Friend? Since when Heero, Why spend all these years looking for me when I obviously didn't want to be found, did it ever even enter you mind that maybe I didn't want to see you anymore, to know you at all? Huh, selfish bastard?" Duo spat out each word like a slap to Heero's face. Heero looked so sad suddenly, like his whole world had been shattered.

"Duo…why are you doing this?" Heero's hands turned to fists that shook at his sides.

"Because you wont leave, I already tried being nice, so I guess I'll have to resort to the truth, I never wanted to be your friend, so just leave, go to Quatre and lick your wounds and get on with life Heero, like me, I have a life now, and you are not in it!" Duo sat down again and began to type out furiously.

Heero stood there for moment that stretched out, long and lonely. He watched as Duo typed out programs, unfeeling and coldly. He felt each moment that Duo sat there, silent, and he silently turned and left. His presence leaving the apartment cold and devoid of any life. He walked out to his car, got in and drove away, leaving Duo alone, the way he wanted, for Duo did not want him there at all.

Duo kept typing, he wrote out programs as the demands came in and sat, lifeless before the glowing screen. He sat there, and he worked for two straight days…never stopping to sleep, eat or even get up and stretch his muscles.

He typed past his emotions, past memories, past even his own conscious, simply spilling out data into the lifeless machine in front of him. Two machines facing each other while the sun rose and set and repeated its cycle again. Each time Duo had to wait for work, he began to type up programs that had simply been an idea in his mind before then.

When finally his eyes would stay open no longer, Duo collapsed, he simply fell off his chair and lay on the ground, motionless and slept there. He slept until his body woke again, but then he didn't move. He saw the moon staring back at him from outside his window and simply watched it until it moved away and set below the ocean he knew was just outside. Duo slept again when the day came and woke once more with the rising of the moon.

Finally, with this last passing he found that he was crying. Duo heard his own sobs and could feel the tears falling from his eyes. He lay still on his back and looked at his ceiling and let every emotion he had tied up the last few days wash over him. Duo knew he was sick again; he had done it to himself, maybe even purposefully subconsciously.

Duo finally turned over around five in the morning and got up to his knees, he was still crying, he had driven Heero away. So he crawled over to his mattress, unable to stand on legs he wasn't sure would hold him. Lying on top of the covers, Duo began to drift. Somewhere between Sleep and wake, he knew he was lost, dieing somehow on the inside and fading from what he had once been.

Duo tossed in his bed and ended up on only the mattress, all other pieces of cloth gone as he lay still for a moment and listened to his own heart beat. He slowly stood and took off his shirt. He looked down at his body, the expanse of scars that would not have been so bad, but his attackers had gone deep and did their best to do as much damage as possible. He felt the ridges of the scars on his chest and ran his fingers over his arms where it was smooth and shiny after healing.

With a grace like a cat, Duo entered his bathroom and pulled the heavy sheet off the mirror on the wall. It was long and wide, Bruce hadn't let him take it down, said it was part of the apartment and that he should just cover it up or something.

Now Duo looked back at himself in it, watching his own eyes. They darted around, dilated, violet and wild like some kind of animal that lived in a cave and never saw the light of day. His hair was loose around him like a halo of chestnut, sun-streaked mane. His body was pale and pink, Unmarked except for all the scars, it looked like he was wearing rags of some kind that they covered him so.

Duo felt his chest again, the 'X' the biggest mark of all, just barley missing his nipples. He saw the half moons on his shoulders from where one had held him down and…

Duo turned away from the mirror, just like on L4, that was what the world was, he had found a way now to live in it and survive, so why wasn't it enough? Why couldn't he just live here on his own?

Duo turned back to the mirror, saw the veins of red in his eyes, of blue under his skin. All pulsing with something, some emotion he couldn't explain. But he finally let it out; he balled up his fist and let a scream lose. His fist flew at the mirror and a shattering of glass broke around his fist. Cracks of silver running away to the edges of the mirrored plane and one hundred different sets of eyes looking back at Duo. Blood dripped down the small ravines and created a kind of maze of horror. Duo's bloody hand went back to his side, slivers of glass embedded in his skin. He didn't feel the pane, only found a tank top in his room, and pulled on his coat again.

Duo walked outside not bothering to lock his door and found it was now six, the sun was just rising in an eruption of orange, yellow and pink. He Walked away from the dawn and towards the ocean, around him people were getting ready for the day, but no one noticed him as he walked for the sand and rocks and waves.

Duo found that walking along he had forgotten shoes and that it was too hot to be wearing a coat while the sun was up. Duo came to the edge of the sand and peeled of his coat, letting it drop and going on without it.

People looked up as Duo past, but they quickly looked away as they saw his scars, he knew they would, they always did, like looking at him was wrong. Duo kept walking, not looking at anyone's eyes, just the shadows of bodies he saw out of the corner of his eyes. There weren't many people out this early except for the surfers that were local or got information about the early morning waves.

Duo left he sand of the beach and found the pebbles, those led to the rocks of the shore where it was jagged and broken like an alien land. Duo climbed and crawled over the moss-covered expanse of rolling rocks to the sharp out cut of "hells peninsula".

A small out crop of rocks that looked like they had sprung up from the fiery pits below the earth. They were where Duo guided his feet as he began to climb out. He sat down at the very edge, in a small 'seat' in the rock. It was the only smooth place and a perfect outlook for watching the sea. But come high tide, the whole thing went under the salty waves and disappeared for only the fish and scuba divers to see.

Duo lay back against he rough face of the rock and turned his face to the sun. It was warm against his skin; he couldn't remember the last time he had been out wearing less than he was now, let alone while the sun was still up.

"I'm sorry Heero." Duo whispered to the cloudless sky. He let his eyes close and felt the deep drags of sleep pull him under. Even when he knew his skin would burn in the harsh light, even when he knew he should be further back in case the tide came in, Duo fell asleep on the out cropping of rocks known as 'Hells peninsula'.

Duo slept in the sun, his skin turning red and then blistering and burning. His hair got tangled up in the rocks behind him and his cloths became soaked as each wave crashed over him more and more. He didn't notice anything; his dreamless oblivions consumed him completely. Desperation and hopelessness all that was left.

Duo choked and coughed out of reflex when the tide finally did come in. But he was helpless when one final wave finally snatched him from his seat and dragged him down into the water. Duo finally did open his eyes, but only to see the ocean floor that would be his grave.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write about them as I wish it would happen

1x2 yeah!

I apologize for this chapter...I planned to go back and rewrite this one, but I didn't. I don't think Quatre should have showed up this early, and Duo would probably have put up more of a resisitance to this...but I'll jsut fix it later in the story. This is not a deathfic...or I don't plan on it. Thank you for the reviews! They Help!

**Scars **

**Part Three: Possible Rescue**

Duo gasped for air out of reflex and felt water spill into his lungs. It ran down his throat and went down his windpipe in a salty wave that made his muscles in his throat contract and try to cough. That made it worse as Duo closed his eyes against the sudden pain. He felt any air he had held in his lungs escaping without his control and his lungs taking in more water in the process of trying to get to air.

Duo flailed his arms in a small attempt to reach out for something to help, but he was simply being thrashed around underwater as a rip tide slammed repeatedly against the peninsula.

Duo found his vision was fading quickly, a creeping darkness that crept into the edges of his vision and pulling at his heart. Strings of darkness that yanked and ripped at his life force that was striving to survive as he drowned. There were rocks surrounding him that tore into his skin as the waves came in each time and pushed him into the jagged edges. Duo knew this was the end, but he suddenly wasn't afraid or resistant. The numbness that was washing over him was a blessed sent relief. Nothing hurt anymore; it was all cold and unfeeling. Duo closed his eyes and accepted it, he found he didn't care about anything else, couldn't remember anything else or try and think of it at all.

Duo was ready and waiting to fall into the black oblivion rising up to meet him when a pair of strong hands yanked at his physical body. Duo felt it absently and almost didn't pay attention to it, but suddenly a cold razor sting erupted in his chest.

That sent the world into a riot of color and pain that crawled over his skin like a living thing born only to torture him. Duo felt his body being jerked around again, but hands on him were controlling it now; strong hands and a firm body that held him tight and was dragging him through the water.

Duo couldn't breathe; he felt his lungs striving to work and his throat contracting from the effort. His coughing erupted into fits that produced blood in the salty water and made him unable to help his rescuer at all as he dragged Duo onto the shore and lay him down on the hot sand. His legs were still on wet sand that was cool where the highest waves were still hitting. Duo heard a loud voice. It was talking to him in a worried and urgent voice that demanded his attention.

Duo slowly opened his eyes as best he could against the sting of salt and the blaring sun overhead. He looked at two figures bent over him. Duo saw unruly dark hair and blond hair against the suns reflection. He felt his body reacting again as it rejected the water in his lungs and tried to force it up.

Duo chocked and watched as his blood came up and stained the sand. He coughed and coughed, his lungs unforgiving and never giving him the chance to take in a breath. He thought for a second that he was dieing again and he would simply choke to death. But soothing hands caressed his chest and helped the water up with firm gestures against his scared body.

Duo fell back again, against he hot sand when it was all finally out of him, tinted in red and still burning up his insides. He also could feel his body covered in sun blisters and burned hot red. He didn't want to open his eyes at all, only to lie there and sleep forever. But he had to see their faces, it had to be them. No on else cared about him in the least to follow him and save him like that.

But when Duo opened his eyes to the two faces hanging over him, he found a local surfer and his girl friend. Long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, long bangs hanging over light blue eyes on the guy. And his blonde girlfriend had a high pony tail and startling green eyes. She was holding a phone, ready to dial out the hospital on her cell and staring at Duo in concern. The guy was ready to help her get Duo to safety and away from the still approaching waves.

"Can you breathe?" The girl asked Duo, he thought a moment, taking in a few shallow breaths and then nodded to her, unsure if his voice would work. He wanted to sit up, but thought against it when he felt the familiar pounding in his head that told him the slightest movement would bring pain.

"What's your name? Should we call an ambulance?" The guy asked.

Duo tried to speak, ended up coughing again and then finally got out words. "N-No, I'm fine, I'm ok." Duo saw his vision waver, but blinked until it was steady again and watched the girl's silent internal battle to use her phone. She finally put it down and used her towel to dry off Duo's face.

"What were you doing out there? You're lucky Michael saw you!" The girl said as she helped Duo sit up when he tried. "I'm Kitty, do you need a ride home, and you should probably get sleep and clean up your wounds too."

Duo nodded, there was no way he was making it back to the apartment now, and if he collapsed on the way someone would call the hospital, and how would he deal with that? This would let them help him enough so that they would forget about him after a week and he wouldn't have to deal with anyone else trying to pry into his life.

Kitty and Michael got Duo to their car and drove him back to his apartment. Duo recognized the both from his beach watching and just told them his address and knew they would get him home. Kitty showed more concern for him then Michael did in his urgency to get back to the waves, but Kitty didn't want to be a nescience, so she helped Duo up the stair and into his apartment and then left with her boyfriend.

Duo tripped to the bathroom and abruptly stepped on broken glass. Duo cursed loudly and left the bathroom after grabbing a towel. He fell into his bedroom and picked up his sheet. Wrapping himself up Duo found his way to the couch and fell onto it with a heavy sigh. His pounding head made him throw up more water from his stomach before letting him black out.

Duo fell down into a swirl of black and darkness that consumed him and left him immobile on the couch in the afternoon sun. Duo slept on till sometime in the morning when he opened his eyes to the sound of Bruce knocking softly.

"Duo, someone told me you came in today injured, that some girl had to help you up the stairs, are you ok!" Duo didn't want to face anyone, he wanted to sleep again, to black out and never have to wake up again, his life was shit and his future was either dieing in his sleep like this, or dieing later from dehydration and starvation because he couldn't move at all now.

"I'm fine." Duo was able to call out before he felt the darkness creeping up on him again.

"Are you sure, Do you need anything?" Bruce was lingering, he didn't believe Duo, but wasn't about to get involved with a veterans problems.

"Naw, I'm just gonna sleep it off." Duo didn't hear Bruce's departure; he fell asleep again and didn't respond to anything else that tried to disturb him.

Duo slept on for three days straight, his body trying to heal itself on no food and no water. When Duo would try and move in his sleep it would send pain through him and help fuel the nightmare that plagued him as he slept.

When the days had gone by and Duo was easily sleeping into his fourth day, there was an interruption that cut through to his uneasy mind. He broke away from the nightmare of drowning again with everyone of his scars reopened, and he woke to a pounding against his door.

Distantly, the sound was enough so that Duo was able to call his swirling mind forth into consciousness and open his eyes.

"DUO! Duo, answer the door!" Someone was making enough noise trying to get in to wake the whole apartment complex. Duo slowly lifted his head and found the pounding still there, and with every movement growing inside his skull so that it felt as if his head would split wide and leave him dead.

"DUO!" The pounding on the door grew louder and Duo was just able to discern it from the blood pressure in his head. The voice was familiar and Duo was attempting to get off the couch as he tried to place the voice with a picture in his head.

"I'm coming…" Duo whispered, though he knew the voice outside his door would not hear him. Duo found himself on the floor and crawling towards the door. It didn't matter if whoever was behind the door would see him like this, he just had to answer it and the pounding would stop.

Duo knew he was still only wearing shreds of old cloths and felt distantly the draft from the air conditioning that told him the shirt was completely gone. Duo felt soreness in his knees and hands that made crawling just as bad as it would have been to walk, except that walking would have involved standing. Just the thought of that put Duo's muscles into protest.

"DUO! Are you there? DUO!" There was a jerk and a groan from the wood of Duo's door as he reached it. Duo braced himself against the wall and pushed himself up the wall, his open cuts burning from the pressure, but Duo kept going until he was high enough to reach the locks.

Duo moved his fingers clumsily around the brass and iron that held his door in place and tried to turn the lock. Behind the door, silence had fallen and someone waited, breathing loud enough fro Duo to hear.

"DUO!" Duo pried open the last lock with his last breath and put his head against the wall, it was cool and solid.

The door swung open and Duo knew it moved him; he felt his body leaning forward as gravity took hold of his limp appendages and began to drag him down. Duo knew he was about to hit the floor, he saw the carpet coming up to meet him, but then he was shoes, boots to be exact, and a pair of rough and calloused hands grabbed him.

"DUO! OH GOD!" The hands held him up, firm and strong. Duo felt his stomach twist and then he was off his feet.

Duo looked up through half lidded eyes into cobalt blue ones that burned with a fire Duo had never seen. He was cradled in someone's arms; they carried him safely and securely through his apartment to his bed. Duo felt the rough hands strip him of his last bit of clothing.

"Heero, there are practically no cloths here at all, his pajamas are dirty." Duo heard a second voice; the familiarity rocked his head so that confusion set in at a new level.

"I brought some stuff in my bag, look in there." Heero, it was deffinantly Heero! Duo felt a sense of contentment and relaxation crawl down his spine as he let the comforting hands examine his bruises and wounds.

"Heero, the mirror in here is shattered!" That voice sounded young and caring, soothing. Duo knew he should know it, it was so familiar, but he couldn't think clearly, and the life force coming off Heero, over him, heat radiating off his body, bade him to sleep.

But Heero left, Duo felt cold and exposed, but he couldn't move and though his eyes were open, everything was fuzzy and out of focus. He could hear hushed and excited voices, but they were just out of reach of his concentration.

A soft and delicate hand lay on Duo's forehead so suddenly that Duo jerked in surprise and began to curl up, he wanted Heero back. But this new hand had a warmth that was almost equally as comforting, so Duo opened his eyes wider and tried to see who the hand was attached to.

Quatre looked down at him, sad and concerned. Duo tried to smile for him, to show that he really was ok and that there was nothing to look sad about. His feeble attempt made Quatre smile down at him, but the look never left his eyes, and it made Duo ashamed of the fact that he had blocked everyone out, that he had run in the first place.

"Hi Duo, how are you feeling?" Quatre was distracting him from something, Duo tried to look past, but Quatre moved, demanding an answer in his own sweet little way.

" 'M fine…" Duos words slurred together as he tried to sit up at the same time. Quatre softly pushed him down and kept talking to him, except now Duo wasn't listening, he was trying to feel the rest of his body.

A sharp pain shot through his arm from his knuckled and made Duo buckled up on his back. Quatre's hands came down upon him and held him in place on the bed while Heero was picking glass and rocks out of Duo's hand. Somehow ripping up newly formed skin to get at the shard embedded in his skin. Duo thought he had got it all, but this made him rethink that, he had been to tired and depressed to really do another check of the fresh wounds, sloppy.

Duo finally gave in and became distracted talking to Quatre. The blonde youth, that looked very much unchanged since Duo had last seen him, was intent on holding Duo's interest. Asking him questions and talking about himself equally to keep Duo occupied with trying to think and process all the information he was bombarded with.

"Quatre, can you go make some soup, rich in meat and vegetables if you can, if not, broth will do. I'm going to finish up tending to these burns and cuts." Heero finally came into Duo's view and sat next to Duo on the bed where Quatre had sat.

"Just relax Duo, but don't fall asleep before I come back." The fair faced Arabian left and Duo heard sounds of pots and knives follow from his kitchen.

"How did this happen?" Heero asked, his face was as blank as it had ever been during the war. Giving away no signs of anger or concern for Duo, but merely business.

"Went for a little swim." Duo tried to laugh and only ended up coughing and bring up blood, which he would rather have not have happened in front of Heero.

"You may have lung damage." Heero frowned deep, his dark eyes brows coming together on his forehead and the spot of skin between them wrinkling.

"Naw! I'm fine, I would have felt a cut before now, or a tear." Duo smiled up at Heero and waited, hoping to see that look on his face again. Concern, even if it was for just a friend.

"You should be at a hospital." Heero said with a heavy hint of disapproval.

"I told you before, no doctors." Duo gave his best look at anger and frustration, but couldn't hold it up against the pain behind his eyes.

Heero began to painstakingly cover all of Duo's cuts with a healing cream that took away the sting and began to fight off the infection that had already begun to battle into Duo's wounds. It was soothing and Duo let his eyes close slightly and concentrated on Heero's hands upon him.

Quatre came in some time later and Heero helped get Duo set up against the wall with pillows behind him. Duo didn't really want to eat, but with two of them there he knew there was no way getting out of it. Duo let Quatre spoon soup into his mouth, only broth of course, since there was no hint of real food in the kitchen or ever had been. He felt suddenly helpless and vulnerable; he wasn't even able to feed himself. What must this look like to Heero.

Here he was, wounded again, laying there, waiting for Quatre to bring up the spoon again, cut up, beat red from burns, his skin peeling away to revel bright pink and pale skin underneath. And worst of all, each scar on his body that screamed out and bore him naked and helpless for all to see his life like a map on his skin.

Duo was suddenly aware that tears were making his eyes water, and if he were to blink now, they would come down his face. Duo fought to keep his eyes open and the hold the tear back, thought they wavered dangerously, threatening to spill over his lids.

"Duo…?" Quatre hadn't missed this development at all, he had stopped feeding Duo and was now poised and ready to whatever reaction would come out of Duo. Duo took a steadying breath, he could feel two pairs of eyes on him, waiting and watching closely.

"Why'd you stop, I'm still hungry." Duo tried to cover up his momentary slip-up. He waited, as if patient and perfectly fine just sitting there. Inside he was screaming, he was so afraid if Heero and Quatre would make a big deal out of it…but what if they didn't?

Duo waited, watching Quatre closely, he could let the tears out…but with all they had seen of him it was a wonder they had not rushed him to the nearest mental institution!

Quatre began to pick up more soup with the spoon, but then put it aside on the floor. He looked at Heero and nodded, he left the room quietly. Duo was abashed, he went into a panic, what was happening, had Quatre seen how hopeless it was, was he too late, was he leaving forever?

"Where Are You Going?" Duo squeaked, hating how desperate his voice sounded. He sat up in a rush, wincing at the pain it gave him, but keeping both eyes open and fixed on Quatre who had stopped at the door, his hand on the handle, ready to leave and close the door behind him.

"I'm going to go and but a few more things, this apartment is utterly barren, don't worry, Heero will look after you." Quatre gave Duo a smile, strained, but warming nonetheless.

Duo nodded, choking back, the tears that had raced forward in an effort to spill over when the rush of emotions sprung up from the thought of Quatre giving up on him. Now he felt a blush creep down from the roots of his hair that made him bashful and ashamed he had ever doubted such a friend.

He left himself relax and slowly drop back to the pillow propped up behind him. He paid for his moment of excess movement. His eyes began to drop, he was tired again, he was so tired and everything hurt. But Heero was there; he didn't want to miss even one moment of seeing those deep blue eyes looking at him. Recognizing him, as a friend in need, even is he was so pitiful and helpless, he couldn't help the need for those eyes.

"Sorry, I must look awful, I probably should go to a hospital, and you don't have to take care of me." Duo began to blink rapidly, now there was no turning back, so might as well let it all go. Duo knew he was crying now, even if he couldn't feel the tears on his burned and numb cheeks, there was no way the tears could still be in his eyes. Though everything still did look misty, that could just be from the salt still in his eyes.

Heero looked so sad, why? Heero was so close; Duo could smell his sent filling his range of awareness and nearly drowning him in a dreamlike state. He was helping Duo to sit forward and…and…

Duo was suddenly aware that he was in Heero's arms.

Duo felt his heart speed up, his blood pumping throughout his body and a heat rising from everyplace he came into contact with Heero. Duo knew this only caused his tears to come forth in a steady flow, but he couldn't have cared less. His emotions were now on a rampage that left him empty and cold and hanging onto Heero for all he had left.

Heero was actually holding him tightly; tight to his broad chest Duo could hear the strong and steady heart beat as the iron muscled arms all but crushed him against the warm body. Duo was spread out across his mattress and Heero was half on the floor, quite possibly an uncomfortable position had they taken a thought to notice it.

Heero seemed to be crying also, but Duo was unsure, as he was unable to see his face. But he was shaking against Duo. Why? Had Duo said something wrong? Had it been something else entirely?

Duo fought around his mind for an answer; trying desperately to think past his water logged brain that wanted to only to concentrate on Heero. He couldn't think at all, so he just collapsed into Heero and let his body fully relax and lay into a support he had never known.

A part of him, a small part, did argue that this was Heero. Perfect soldier. A heart of stone in a perfect body that never failed and harbored no emotions, not even for a partner in war times.

Duo couldn't think what it was that made Heero act so straggly, but he was not about to protest to this sudden closeness that had him, at last, in Heero's arms. He just let Heero hold onto him, let his eyes close as he breathed in Heero's sent and slowly felt himself lulled into sleep.

Duo didn't want to wake up; he could still feel a body near to him, still could feel Heero's tears on his face. Or were those his own. It was hard to tell anymore, but now he knew, Heero had cried. But he wasn't sure how long he had slept, and he wanted to see Heero's face again. Had to, so that meant he had to be awake.

Duo slowly opened his eyes and looked around. He was, to his surprise, still up against Heero, still being held. Duo had expected Heero to put him back down on the mattress, but then again, the sun didn't seem to have moved.

Duo looked up at Heero, his eyes were closed and he seemed to be in another place, where he was just there for Duo. It seemed as if Duo had only momentarily passed out, but had woken himself up somehow.

Duo pushed away from Heero, he wasn't sure why, but something in him had to know, had to have answers. He cursed that part of him, but obeyed it either way.

Heero looked startled as Duo sat up on his own accord and preceded to stare him down with a look he had not seen since the end of the war.

"Why?" Duo asked, straight forward and almost harshly.

Heero seemed to shirk a little, and Duo almost took it back, but then Heero answered.

"Because…" He hadn't even asked 'why what?' But had given a somewhat answer.

"That's not a complete answer Heero." Duo accused.

"I know, but I can't think of a better answer than that." Heero whispered. Duo was in awe at him. In front of him sat a young man with emotions not very unlike his own, and expressing them openly.

Duo was at a point, where if this went any farther, he would not be able to deal with it. It had been only a few years, though it seemed like decades, both now and while they had gone by, and Heero was a completely different person. Someone Duo didn't recognize at all as his old wartime buddy.

But then again, so what? If Heero was someone else, yet the same person, shouldn't he accept it and just get to know the new Heero? But what if it turned out that the new Heero was someone else and couldn't accept the new Duo? Had he changed himself? Did he look different to Heero too? If they could be friends now like they had been then, when they were friends in Duo's eyes at least, would that past affect the future he now saw with the new Heero and could he, the new Duo, fight off the past of the old Duo and accept the New Heero when he only loved the old Heero?

And how had this gotten so confusing when all he really wanted was to be held again?

Duo gave Heero all of what smile he could muster and fell into him.

"DUO?" Heero sounded like the world had just paused and would not start again unless duo answered.

"Did you really mean it?" Duo asked, smiling into Heero's shirt. "Just because?"

Heero breathed steady again and held onto Duo. "Yes."

Duo let Heero lay him back onto his mattress and get him a drink. He insisted that Duo would get dehydrated if he didn't drink something soon. And from the feeling Duo was getting, he agreed. He felt stretched out and like someone had taken him like wet sheet and beaten him against a rock somewhere.

He sipped the cool water and felt relief in his throat when Heero helped him drink. He was content just then. Heero was deffinantly closer now. Though how close, Duo could not tell, but at the moment that could wait till later. Quatre was here to help and he was going to get better.

Maybe he could even go back with them, to where ever they had come from, and start over. Scars or not, now he knew that at least Heero would not hold it against him.

As long as he never saw pity in those cobalt blue eyes, Duo felt he would be fine now. He could get a job with a computer manufacture and Heero most likely had connections that would help. A whole new set of fantasies and images and ideas welled up inside Duo as his whole future suddenly took a dramatic turn he had never suspected.

He was asleep without eve knowing it. Duo was dreaming, safe in a bed guarded by someone who cared, finally.

Duo woke when he heard voices again. It was morning, early. Duo knew when he saw the light in his window, harsh and way too bright. He wanted to turn over and sleep again, but his muscles were too stiff and were too sore to even begin to listen to what he ordered them to do.

So Duo settled for listening to the voices until he would wake up completely. He knew Quatre and Heero had to have spent the night to be here this early, that was more surprising then the fact that there were even people up this early!

He liked the sound of someone else there, had actually forgotten what it was like to have company of any kind. He had never wanted animals, which would be too much, especially in such a small space. But this, this was different and completely welcome.

The low tone of Heero's voice carried in a roll easily and Quatre's higher and more musical notes made for a kind of duet that nearly made Duo fall asleep again. But he finally did have his eyes completely open and his mind surfaced to a steady consciousness. He could hear voices, thought he was unsure of what they were saying. Duo had the urge to get up, he should be strong enough to do that, and join them in the other room.

Duo rolled over and got himself sitting on the floor with his back up against the edge of his mattress. He looked around, letting his muscles settle at the sudden movement. They were sore to a constant drone, but it wasn't anything worse than the feeling after an OZ interrogation.

Duo put his hands on the floor, and with protest from his stomach muscles, began to stand. It made his gut cinch up and his back stretch out till it felt like the skin on his back would rip open, but Duo found himself standing moments later. He was so surprised at the notion that he nearly fell over again from the strain and shock.

But, getting his balance in check, Duo was able to get his legs to move and started towards the bedroom door. Duo felt pride well up in his chest, he was fine. He could do this and Heero would see he could get better…would get better!

It would be at that moment when Heero decided to come in and check on him. The door swung back and Heero came in and ran straight into Duo. His fast reflexes caught Duo before he fell, but his legs collapsed under him and he was now leaning completely on Heero.

Duo cursed himself and tried to get his feet under him to support himself, but they refused to do it again. They wanted to rest, even when Duo was desperate to have them work. He knew he was red with frustration, that would equally be taken as embarrassment, but he fought on to get his muscles under his control.

He felt Heero smiling, knew that Quatre must be too. It was almost too much to know that Heero was actually fighting back laughing! Duo wanted to be back in his bed, but he couldn't get there on his own now which made a fresh wave of frustration come over him again.

"Did you want to sit on the couch?" Heero was asking him, Duo only just realized it in time to understand the question and give an answer.

"Uh…Yeah." He said sheepishly as Heero swung him around and put his arm over his own shoulders. Duo was able to move his legs enough so that Heero didn't have to support his whole weight and gingerly sat on the couch where Heero deposited him.

"Sorry bout this…" Duo said as he leaned back slightly to take the weight off his lower back. "I guess you had to find out the hard way just how much I lack in this apartment, including extra bedding." Duo looked down at the floor…was the carpet cleaner?

"Oh, no!" Quatre jumped to the rescue. "It was perfectly all right, we had brought our own anyway. Heero already knew you probably…" Quatre dropped off, obviously trying to save Duo the embarrassment.

"Already knew that I owned Jack Shit!" Duo said plainly, getting the subject out of the way was the best course of action, the sooner he got past his own pride, the sooner he could start over. He shouldn't be above asking for help, especially…especially when he needed it.

"Well...Anyway…" Quatre busied himself getting Duo something to eat. "Heero and I were just discussing…uhh…Heero?"

"We were just discussing when was the best time to transport you back to Quatre's estate." Heero was the best person to explain things, as always.

"You mean…" Duo paused in accepting Quatre's food.

They looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "I get to, I'm going to, you will…" Duo couldn't get it all out, he felt such a relief, and it was like his whole world of fantasy had just been granted as a wish.

"Duo, we're taking you back with us, Quatre has doctor at his disposal who won't as questions, and we can get you back on your feet." Heero was explaining, Duo was taking in his words, but a world of elation was swirling around in Duo's mind.

Freedom, acceptance, approval, it was all going to be his again. He was going to be with people who cared what happened to him at the end of the day, he was going to have someone to talk to on lonely nights, he was going to get better, maybe even not have to wear long sleeves in the middle of summer anymore!

"When?" Duo demanded. Both Quatre and Heero were taken aback, and then Heero smiled. Duo knew everything would be all right at that moment. He wouldn't have to worry about a thing anymore; he was in the hands of professionals now.

"We think you'll be all right for travel if we can just make arrangement for your comfort and a doctor on board in case something happens." Heero assured him.

"You mean…we could leave today?" Duo almost didn't believe it.

"If Quatre can make arrangement for the plane at the local airport." Duo was in such an elated state that if he could've jumped around, he would have.

He smiled, it was something true and pure, and he was leaving this godforsaken apartment and going to live with Heero!

"I'll need my computer…" Duo came to the realization that he wanted only a few things from his apartment, and that would only be a few things on his desk.

Heero nodded. "Just make sure everything is safe and copied on disks, we'll take care of the rest." Heero reassured him. Duo nodded and attempted to get up. Heero didn't protest, though Quatre looked as if he wanted to, and helped Duo to the desk where he could get everything ready for travel.

"We have to go and check out of our hotel and gather our things…will you be ok here?" Heero looked ready to leave everything to Quatre and his money, but Duo was ready for this question.

"I'm fine Heero, if I can't get this together, what hope do I have of anything?" Duo started to work, collecting all the files he needed and deleting what he had neglected to for so long.

"Ok, we should be back in around two hours." Heero patted Duo's shoulder and he left with Quatre. Duo felt a warmth where Heero had touched him and became even more determined to finish before they returned.

It had been roughly around an hour and a half when Duo began to feel tired again and was nearly falling asleep where he was while he waited for files to transfer and copy themselves.

Duo was leaning back in his chair at one of those moments when he looked over at his door expectantly. Would they be back soon? And he nearly fell out of the chair when a hard pounding came to the door, making it visibly rattle on its hinges.

"MAXWELL!" Duo felt his heart shrink and drop though his body to his feet. He knew that voice, knew it all too well. Knew he wouldn't be able to deal with it right now and knew he couldn't avoid it at the same time.

"MAXWELL I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Duo looked around desperately, there was nothing here to help him, and he couldn't even get to the door to click the heavier locks into place. He was trapped, and Martin was deffinantly not going to wait any longer for him to answer.

Where were Heero and Quatre?


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write about them as I wish it would happen

1x2 yeah!

Before I start, I would like to say Thank You to everyone who has posted comments with feedback! It really helps with the writing process and further inspires me with what I want to write next! Keep Reading Please! There were some problems with the chapter order, but that was my fault andI hopw it is fixed now!

**Scars**

**Part Four: Trying Again**

"MAXWELL, YOU OWE US THAT DATA AND CARIGAN WANTS IT TODAY!" Duo looked around frantically, he needed a place to hide. Martin wasn't known for his patience. He was now banging on the door to get in, not to get the occupants attention.

Duo's first instinct was to go for the closet and hope that Martin would overlook him, but he just as quickly dismissed that idea, Martin was a man made for his job. He went after people like Duo when that times work was due and it was late. Carigan liked his "toys" when they were due, no earlier, no later, right when the time came.

Duo had been late once before, in the beginning, and that memory of his first (and last) experience with Martin was enough to still send him into shivers. And now he had completely forgotten with the past weeks excitement, and the program wasn't ready yet.

Duo looked around wildly for any weapons, he only had two guns on him and had neglected getting any more, less he look too suspicious. And now he wished he had stocked his apartment full to bursting! Duo was in a bit of luck though; at that moment his computer informed him that he had all the information on his disk. Duo slipped it into a case and into his pocket and glanced around.

The fires escape came to his eye and Duo launched himself for it with no hesitation. No other place to go he went down, taking the steeps as quickly, but as quietly, as he could.

The iron beneath him flew down at the bottom and he hit the ground just as Martin stuck his head out Duo's window above. Duo heard Martin yell after him, but didn't pause to turn around, he started running as soon as he got traction under his feet and bolted towards the crowd.

His first mistake was immediately pointed out to him, and Duo cursed everything he could think of, he'd forgotten his coat. People began to yell in excitement and brake away to let him trough, his disfigured body making a path for him. Duo saw instantly that the path behind him would be clear for Martin and he had to get away from all the people, if only he had had enough sense to ask Heero and Quatre where they would be.

Duo broke off the street and into a small strip of stores and stalls set up on the side of the street. Duo ran through a series of curtains between the stalls and crashed into body after body as he finally found one that sold cloths. Duo gasped as he bent over and forced some money into the clerks hand and grabbed a coat off the rack, only checking it long enough to see it had a hood. Then he calmly walked out into the light and sauntered off in the direction of his apartment, planning to pass it and circle the area until Heero and Quatre came back.

Duo heard the commotion form behind him that told him Martin was making a big fuss of trying to find him, and people were protesting to his search, he even backed up against the wall and watched for a minute, giving him the look of just a curious pedestrian. Duo waited until and number of people just began to ignore Martin and then turned to leave for where he could wait for Heero and Quatre in the safety of a café that he suddenly remembered was outside his apartment building.

He walked as if he had a distinct place to be at an exact time. Walking through the crowd at a leisurely pace was the hardest part. Duo wanted to turn around to check and see if Martin was still following him, or to break off at a run and keep going till his legs gave out from under him.

Duo could feel a twitch of hair on the back of his neck, something coming lose from his braid but with a more foreboding feeling. It made him run his hand over the sweat soaked skin and try to rub away a chill that ran like and ice cube on his backbone. Duo ignored it as best he could, though he tightened the hood of his jacket around his face, and continued to walk towards his salvation, a semi-clean, caffeine-addicts hovel that was known only by a faded sign that declared the small café as De Luche.

Duo was nearly there; he could see the dirty window of the cafe front that had month old notices of guitars being sold and lost dogs taped to it. He could see beyond that to the shallow eyed, dark dressed, comatose customers that there often enough to be 'regulars'. Duo would just walk in, sit down and order some coffee, and wait until Heero's car pulled up and then run out and he would be safe, he could move away from this despicable living he had been trying to hide out in and go onto-

Duo felt a hand slam across the back of his head in a side swipe and take him completely off his feet to fall on his side into a trash can that was at the mouth of the truck port to De Luche. Duo knew there was glass and probably old nails on the ground, but when his head hit the asphalt it didn't matter anymore. Duo was ready to lie around for another week right on the spot and never lift his head again.

Painful and permanently damaging things kept happening to him and he had no idea how to make them stop. He could only ask 'why?' before the next thug in line came out of the dark to beat him till he puked and passed out.

Duo hated that he could never fight back, that he had let his muscles go lax, and his mind soften to the everyday 'innocents', and even more that he had tried to escape a fate that he now knew was inescapable when he could have been fighting all along. At least then, when Heero had found him, he could've offered something more than anything he had now.

Duo looked up, and Martin was doing the one thing he was good for, besides beating up computer punks, blocking the sunlight from Duo's eyes. However, that just made him look all the more ominous, the light falling around his big and bulky shadow gave him a look that Duo had thought only he could pull off. Short hair that required the minimal amount of care, a suit that was a show for how much his job made for him, little gadgets that helped him to brake bones and more were probably in his pocket, including a gun and a bullet proof vest that Duo could just see through the dress shirt. Martin also had exceptionally shiny shoes; Duo could almost see his reflection in them perfectly. Martin was wearing a shiny silver hoop in his right lobe that day, just a little sparkle to add style (failure really) and he was the perfect image of a first class thug. A figure of death stood before him and Duo could only look up as each of his scars seemed to burn for him to do something, but there was nothing inside that could be called forth upon.

"Maxwell, enough." Martin reached down and picked up Duo by his shirtfront and put his face up against his own. "Now, dup to your running I can probably guess correctly that you don't have what Mr. Carigan sent me for."

"Gee, ya think?" Duo wanted this over with quickly, the worst Martin could do right now, without Carigan there, would be to try and beat some sense into him. He would probably be told to come back if Duo didn't have the 'toy' delivered and bring him before Carigan himself.

"Don't push it Maxwell, I'm not having a good day." Martin growled into Duo's face.

"OH GOD! That is RANK!" Duo tried to turn his face away. "Martin, no offence, but you need to use mouthwash more than once a month!"

"You little-" Martin shoved Duo against the brick wall of De Luche and then slammed his fist into Duo's gut.

"You've been working out?" Duo asked through gasps for air.

"So glad you noticed!" Martin smirked at him.

"Well, I have no life, what else is there to do besides examine the bodies of my bosses' henchmen?" Duo laced his voice with sarcasm and put on his old smile, the mask that no one could see past. Well…almost no one.

"So shut up and let me pound on you a little so I can go home punk." Martin smiled maliciously and raised the back of his hand and whacked Duo on the side of his face, on the rim of his cheekbone. Duo felt the pain like a crack ran through the bone and hit his core and a headache was just waiting there to surface.

Duo grimaced but kept smiling and looking up at Martin.

"We should really sit down and talk sometime, this is just so harsh, we never get a chance to interact." Duo tried to put some of his weight down on his toes so the fabric where Martin held him wouldn't rip.

"Shut it!" Martin let his whole fist connect with Duo's face so that his lips slammed into his teeth, causing it to rip and bleed into Duo's mouth. Duo licked his lip gingerly as Martin let him fall to the ground in a heap and tasted the copper metallic sting.

"But I thought we were gonna have a heart to heart next." Duo looked up the long length to Martin's face high above him.

Martin didn't answer, just started to kick him. First in the legs, Duo fell onto his side and groaned, but smiled on. Then Martins heavy boot connected with Duo's gut and dug deep into the fleshy belly where delicate organs were vulnerable. Duo hacked and choked as the air of his lungs left and he saw stars of white light in his vision.

"Do you have the data for Mr. Carigan?" Martin asked in a tone that said he knew the answer well enough, but was simply doing a job he enjoyed.

"Nope, I thought I might just slack off in the hopes of see you again." Duo spat out blood from his torn lip and smiled as his face began to show signs of swelling and bruising.

Martin sighed and kicked Duo some more, going for vulnerable parts, including breaking his nose, which gave Duo the most pain, and the most blood. It covered the ground beneath him and soaked the front of his cloths.

"Why'd ya habe ta dob thad!" Duo cursed him as he held his face and his eyes watered up in tears.

"Mr. Carigan said you needed to learn a lesson today. Second time, it always gets worse." Martin smiled down at him. " And not that you mention it, I think its time to bring out 'worse'." Martin reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver pocketknife. Martin snapped it open with a flick of his wrist and held it up so Duo could see it clearly. "You see, Mr. Carigan wanted to give you a present, he knows how much you love your scars, he thought you could use a couple more."

Duo's face lost all traces of any smile that had ever been there, his face went form dead scared to deadly in a few seconds and he stared at Martin with death in his eyes. The sparkly gone from the velvet and now filled with hate and daring.

Martin faltered only slightly, but then reached down and grabbed Duo's arm. He retched back the sleeve of the hastily bought jacket and examined Duo's arm, then placed the gleaming blade to soft and unmarked skin, he slowly dragged it over and into Duo's arm. Blood welled up from the incision, and Duo just kept staring at Martin, into his eyes, unfeeling of fresh skin being scarred. Martin dug in deep, to be sure the blade would leave its mark, then he smiled and raised the blade, letting the blood run down and over his knuckles to his wrist. Duo could see his view of Martin tainted red with the blood that seemed to fill his vision, somehow he had gone back to a state of mind where the only meaning was to stay alive, never mind pain, never mind distress, never mind who would die.

Martin saw the defiance and anger in Duo and did the one thing that came to mind; he raised his hand and brought the knife down with it in a vertical slash under Duo's right eye to his chin. Blood came up instantly and ran down in a small fall to drip to the ground. Still Duo looked up at him, unmoved and all together unaffected by the display of power Martin had over him.

"You little Fucker, you better watch it or one of these days I'll-" Martin raised the knife again, in a position that was used for plunging it into the torso area. But he got no further; a hand grabbed his wrist and held it there effortlessly.

"Or you'll what?" A low growl issued from behind Martin and squeezed the wrist so that there was a sharp crack as the wrist bones snapped under Heero's grip.

Martin yelled his protest and pain and cursed Heero, in about three different languages, and then tried to wrench his arm from Heero's grip. It didn't work at all, so Martin continued cursing with no other options left.

"Heero." Duo felt more blood dribbling down his chin and still pouring from his nose, and now joined by the two new cuts that would become scars, more scars. Always scars.

Duo's mind began to swirl, turning him around and pulling him down. He was letting the adrenalin wash away and the pain that it had kept at bay came forth anew. Duo felt his brain fog over and his vision go hazy as the blood loss began to make him dizzy and light headed. The pain was almost welcome, for accepting it meant it dulled and Duo began not to feel it at all, which he knew was a bad sign.

"DUO!" Duo heard Heero say something to Martin and then release him. Heero watched, standing over Duo, until Martin was gone and then kneeled, fell really, next to Duo and touched him gently, moving his hair and loose clothing aside to look at him closer. Examining Duo's wounds he caressed Duo's face and arms and pulled off his jacket. Duo didn't care when his newest piece of clothing tore under Heero's hand into strips. Nor did he care that they were going to become soaked with blood as Heero wrapped his arm. But as he saw all of his own blood cover Heero, his mind began to panic.

"I called ahead, the doctors I hired to ride over with us on the plane are going to have extra supplies for this." Quatre came into view just as Duo felt something inside him come to awareness.

"I need to get inside!" Duo demanded suddenly as he reached out and grabbed Heero's wrist. "He'll come back, I need to be inside, I can lock the door, I can get my gun, I can-"

"Duo, calm down!" Heero clutched Duo's arm back as his grip became desperate and he started to try and stand.

"Duo, we need to get you to the transport, the movers are already here and moving your stuff, that guy is not coming back." Quatre reassured him and stroked back Duo's bangs as he tried to catch his breath and stop his hands from shaking. He had no idea why he had just started shaking when those thoughts had come out, and it scared him.

"Let's go." Heero helped Duo up and swung his thin arm over his own broad shoulders. "Lean on me."

Duo tried desperately to kept he heat from his cheeks as he leaned into Heero and got a nose full of a trace of husky cologne that was simply sweat, grease, and a individual musk that could never be duplicated. He could felt he heat coming off of Heero and the muscles move just beneath his cloths and skin, moving fluidly as he practically dragged Duo to the black car they had parked hastily in front of Duo's apartment.

No, not his apartment any more, no more of this life. Duo knew relief, as he never had, not even during the war, as Heero levered him into the back seat. It was soft and seemed for a moment as if it would swallow Duo entirely as he sunk back and let out a long sigh of what he had been holding in for the longest time.

Duo heard his name being called, he had spaced out for a minute, and the car was just about to pull away from the apartment complex. It was Bruce, he was running down the front steeps with an envelop in his hands.

"DUO, Wait!" Bruce came up to the window; Quatre pushed the button for it to go down for him. "You got this yesterday, but I forgot to give it to you, since you were sick and shit." Bruce leaned against the car and handed Duo the envelop through the window.

"Thanks Bruce. I'll see ya around." Duo smiled, he would miss Bruce, not so much that he would probably ever come back here, but just enough, like he missed a few people he had meet during the war. Good people, people who represented the earth he had saved with his comrades.

"Yeah. Take care of yourself." Bruce gave him a salute as Quatre pulled the car away and they headed for the airport. Duo fingered the envelope as Heero turned around from the front seat and looked it over too. There was no return address, no markings other than the destination address and what the post office had stamped on it, and it was just a simple manila envelope.

There was a piece of tape over the metal tongs holding down the opening to make sure it hadn't opened in the mail, and it felt as if there was at least a CD in there as well as a letter, harmless little something that he had probably ordered online, probably illegally too from what Duo could remember from his online purchases.

He set the envelope in his lap and lay his head back. His eyes were becoming half-lidded; he was going to fall asleep soon. But Heero was looking at him, a little fidgety in the eyes, asking him something without voicing it.

"It can wait till we get to Quatre's." Duo explained.

"Then you know what it is?" Heero asked, relaxing in the shoulders a bit.

"No." Duo knew that would make Heero frustrated, but he didn't have the strength to open it now, it probably meant only grief or something that required a computer anyway. Not something he wanted to deal with right at that moment.

Heero made a muffled sound in his throat and then turned around in the passenger seat and watched the road with Quatre. Duo closed his eyes and drifted with the movement of the car, the smooth turns, and the little bumps that lulled him to sleep as he relaxed in the comfort of having two of the few people he trusted in the world taking care of him.

Duo had slept all the way to the airport, through mid-day traffic that had slowed them down greatly, and only woke up when Heero gently shook him as he was getting Duo out of the back seat from their improvised parking space near the runway. Duo tried to help by pulling his own weight, but his body had given out completely and Heero had refused anyway. Insisting that Duo simply not move and that would be his contribution as Heero carried him out to the private jet and into its belly where a small team of physicians was waiting for him.

Duo was put on a gurney and told to relax, it had the opposite affect as strange faces closed around him and began to poke and prod him, putting many cold and strange shaped instruments to his exposed skin.

Duo started to lash out without thinking, his reflexes kicking in at full and a twitch starting near his eye. The men and women back away quickly and Heero jumped up and came to Duo's side. He grabbed Duo's wrists as he thrashed about and calmly began talking to him as Duo calmed down enough to get his own functions under control.

"It's safe Duo, these doctors have all been approved by Quatre and I'll be right here watching you the whole time. I wont let anything happen to you Duo. Never again!" Heero was looking at him straight in the eyes now. Something stirring deep inside him let Duo know he meant what he said, swore upon the word he was saying without hesitation.

Duo let his muscles release their stiff positions and lay back. He nodded at Heero, still in wonder. Had he really meant what he had just said, he would protect Duo. From now on?

Of coarse he had meant it, Duo had been looking straight at him when he had said it. The doctors came back with Heero's reassurance that everything was ok now, and began what they had started. Duo was going to have to control whatever urges aroused as they went about their business, but with Heero there, somehow he was going to manage it.

Duo, on the way over the ocean, ended up having many stitches, and a brace for his chest where ribs had been cracked, also another one for his right leg where Martin had gotten over zealous with his kicking. Heero had been calm while the doctors had gone over their notes on Duo's examinations, he would be ok, and the wounds would heal, though he would have more scars, as Martin had wanted.

But as Duo watched them read further down the list, not to mention Duo was under nourished, he could see Heero was clenching his fists at his sides. Though his face showed no emotion, soldier like and simply processing information, his finger bit harder into his palms until Duo was sure it would pierce skin and he would see blood at any moment.

But, when it was over and the doctors when to their seats further back in the compartment, Heero simply sat next to Duo and pulled out a book to read.

"Try to rest, we still have a few hours to go." Heero sat back.

Duo wanted to talk, wanted to ask questions, his mind a buzz with information he had not foreseen and could not process. But Heero's words were taken to heart as he felt the time changing internally as they flew faster than the world could turn. Duo knew sleep was inevitable and welcomed it gladly, his questions could wait and they would have to. Duo was asleep as soon as his eyes closed.

The plane rocked as lightening struck near them and the winds of a storm buffeted the metal body. The inside rattled from the turbulence and awakened Duo with a start of a memory that was all too real in his mind and concerned bullets flying at his head.

Duo looked around wildly, he was strapped down to a make shift bed, there were dim lights overhead, most of the light came form lightening just outside the rows of windows on either side of him. He was trapped in a transport that was going down in a storm; he could feel it's decent.

But then, from the door that led to the cockpit Heero came and Duo remembered everything that had happened up till now and lay back. Heero came and saw that Duo was awake now. He hastily freed Duo of the binds that had held him in place and informed Duo of their current situation.

"We're at Quatre's estate, ready to land, we just have to contend with this storm, we didn't expect it to be here so quickly. The surrounding mountains hid its approach." Heero guided Duo to a seat and buckled him in.

"Where are we?" Duo asked, he didn't recognize anything as he looked out his window to the gray world below. Thought, it was near dusk and the storm was heavy.

"The mountains of New Switzerland." Heero said quickly. "I have to be in the front with Quatre, you ok here?" Heero asked. Duo nodded and watched as Heero disappeared behind the door.

Duo looked around, he hadn't had a chance to notice how nice it was in here before. Now he could see that it screamed wealth in about a dozen different languages. Everything was at the top of technologies advancements. Further back, where the doctors were seated, there were also attendants that had served food and beverages. Some of the Doctors even looked as if they had just woken up as he had. Indeed, there seemed enough room between seats for a person to lie down and sleep comfortably.

Duo was sitting where Heero had for most of the trip, and his book was still in the side pocket. Something big and heavy that Duo didn't have the slightest curiosity about. He just watched out the window as lightening forked the sky and lit up the ground below as if it were noon.

The rain was beautiful; Duo could have watched it for hours had he been in the comfort of a house with a blanket around him and a fire at his feet. But riding it out in a jet was a whole different matter. He wanted to be on the ground, safe within his own room in Quatre's mansion.

The landing was a bit rough, a large bump that made Duo's stitches ache and his stomach leap for an instant, but then they smoothly glided into a plane port and came to a halt. Men came out in a hurry and pulled a stair up to the jets side and opened the door as more attended to the jet itself and began repairs and such.

Duo let Heero help him up when the doctors had all filed out and they joined Quatre, who had been in the front the whole time. There was a car waiting to take them to the front steps and keep them out of the rain.

Duo hissed when he sat, the drugs the doctors had given him to numb the pain were wearing off and he was beginning to appreciate what he had been suspicious of when they'd fist administered them.

Heero looked at him worriedly, Duo gave him a strained smile. "Just get me inside, I won't feel any of it once I'm asleep."

Heero nodded in agreement and signaled the driver they were ok to go. As then went out into the curtain of rain waiting for them Duo looked out his window. They were in a sort of small valley. It was a brick mansion nestled between high mountains and rolling hills. Everything was green with little trees or none at all except within the walls of the estate itself. High windows reflected the lightening and clouds hanging low overhead. The flashes lit up the ground, or back lit the surrounding scenery that was even more beautiful in the kind of dangerous light it cast.

Duo was hurried inside with a minimal touch of rain to his shoulders and then handed a towel by a butler once he was standing in a great hall. The ceiling went up to the second story with great windows on either side, and a staircase ahead led up to the open hall of the second story where the rooms were placed across form each other. It was really quite humble compared to what Duo had seen of Quatre's other homes.

Duo was offered a wheel chair and assistance up to his room, third on the right down the hall, right across form Heero's, but he refused. He wanted to get there on his own, and he was almost sure he could too. He didn't come all this way just so he could use every convenience as a crutch; he was here to start over. He wasn't going to succeed if he didn't learn right off to fend for himself.

Duo started to climb the stairs, and he was well aware of the eyes on his back as he did so. He smiled to himself, he had expected Quatre to worry, but having Heero worry about him was a little unnerving.

"See you all in the morning!" Duo called over his shoulder with a slight wave and continued up the stairs. He heard a small giggle behind him and that got him up the stairs without thinking about it much.

Duo waited until he was further down the hall to stop and rest. He clutched his chest as he leaned against the wall next to a window Paine. Everything was staring to hurt again. It was agony to simply breath; he remembered that from former cracked ribs. It hadn't set in completely yet, but it would, and Duo wasn't looking forward to it at all.

Duo managed to get to his room without further trouble. He found a nice and simple bed; though it was raised it probably would have hurt more to get down near the floor, in a nice and simple room with an attached bathroom.

There was a phone near his bed with instructions about what number to call for any part of the house he wanted, including the kitchens. The windows had long drapes that were currency closed, but Duo could just make out a window seat as lightening illuminated it for a second. He stripped off what was left of his shirt and coat and rubbed his feet with it, threw it on the floor, and then lay down. He pulled back the covers, but he was asleep before he could bother to pull them over himself.

He could try again at this new life once he had some sleep under his belt, a good twelve hours seemed like a good start, maybe longer if he felt like it.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write about them as I wish it would happen

1x2 yeah!

I realize that I am posting these chapters rather quickly, but that is because i already have chapters 1-6 completed already. I'm currently working on ch.7, so after i post that it will slow down a bit. So, apologies in advance for posting so fast and then suddenly slowing down. But, thank you again for all the comments! I Luvs them!

**Scars**

**Part Five: Waking Up**

Duo tossed over in his bed and felt the edge of the mattress sag and he panicked. Duo flung out his arm and grabbed the sheet that was still partly tucked under the corner of the bed and held on while his back started to sink lower over the side and exposed to the cool air.

Duo looked around wildly as he pulled himself back up onto the bed. The room was dark and gray with only a minimal amount of light peeking through the gap in his curtains. The bed was a mess with his legs mixed up in the sheets and blankets while the rest of him was laying across two fluffy pillows in exhaustion.

Duo finally righted himself and pulled the covers straight with a minimal amount of effort it required. He sat up against the headboard and looked to the floor. His cloths were still there, where he had tossed them the night before, and if there had been empty food containers and a bit more dust on the floor, it would have felt just like home. The room was certainly the right size.

Duo swung his feet over the edge of the bed and tested the temperature of the floor. Finding it only mildly cool he pushed off the bed and patted over to the bathroom. Duo was about to relieve himself when he made the mistake of catching his reflection in the mirror.

Duo froze and stood perfectly still, staring at himself, never leaving the edges of his face, but never meeting his own eyes and trying desperately to tear his gaze away. His skin was pulled gaunt and pale as if he had been sickly for the longest time. But then again, he had been. There had never been a time where he had found it so difficult to remember what it had once been like to be healthy and walking around just as well as everyone else.

The scars, they haunted him as he had the temptation to look beyond his face and stare at the glossy tissue that looked like a second skin on him. Duo, finally broke the gaze he held with himself and turned to walk straight back to bed. He yanked out one of the blankets from their tucked corners and pulled it back to the white porcelain bathroom.

With practiced ease, Duo swung the edges of the thick blanket up to the top of the mirror. He pulled it taunt and used the trim on the mirror to hold the blanket in place. As soon as he saw it would hold, Duo stepped back and viewed his work. Examining every inch to make sure he could see nothing, he was finally satisfied and released his bladder.

Duo walked around to the window and spread the curtains to reveal the world outside. There was a walled in area that looked like a garden. It was lush and green and full of dropped flowers covered in rain. There was a light drizzle going that covered everything within instants of first contact. The flowers still looked healthy and very vibrant in color, only weighted down by rainwater.

Duo sat down on the window seat and leaned back against the small pillow there that was just big enough to be comfortable and support his back. He watched the rain slowly slide down the glass in little rivers of silver. It calmed him immensely and put ease to the room that only moment ago had felt distant and alien to him.

Duo watched the edges of the window slowly become fogged over by his body heat as he studied the terrain around his field of vision. Hilly, not quite mountains, and everything was extremely green. It was easy to loose time by just staring out at the drizzle, like a hypnotic spell that held him captive.

It wasn't until, about a hour later, when someone knocked at the door, that Duo moved at all. He jerked back from his comatose state and looked at the door blankly, for a moment unsure of what to do. Slowly Duo stood and walked over to the door, he opened it slowly and peeked around the edge to peer into the hallway.

With the door between him and whoever was there, Duo meet Heero's eyes and froze. He was stuck standing there, unwilling to come out and let Heero in while he had no shirt on, but he was not going to tell him to wait or go away.

"Uhh…Good morning Heero." Duo gave a weak smile and stood as still as he could.

"It is actually afternoon now." Heero corrected him. Then he held up a bundle of folded up cloths within Duo's reach. "These are from Quatre, he was going to give them to you last night, but he didn't want to disturb you."

Duo reached out with his arm and took the cloths as quickly as he could. He was nervous around others with nothing on, out of habit he kept trying to guess what they thought of him and how he should act. But Heero simply nodded at him.

"Come downstairs for food when you're done." Heero turned and left. Duo stood there, staring after him in shock. That had been very formal, almost cold.

Duo shrugged it off and retreated back into his room with the bundle of cloths. He tossed his pants back with the rest of his discarded rags on the floor. There were black pants and a lose shirt of polyester that was a deep purple, nearly maroon and bordering on black.

Duo slipped it on and looked around for something for his feet. The cloths fit nicely, but his feet were a bit chilly, and socks would help. But there was nothing in his closet yet, and Heero hadn't included any foot ware in the bundle. So Duo ended up wonder out into the large hallway with bare feet.

The carpet was lush there and some of the cold faded away as Duo made his way down the hall to the staircase he had practically crawled up the night before. He peeked down and over the railing. There was a heavy cream carpet that held the living room in a white walled room. Pictures of flowers on the wall, a marble slab fireplace that was currently a light and a deep maroon rug with dark green trim. The furniture was dark green with maroon pillows and the flowers in the pictures and in a vase on the dark wood coffee table were all color coordinated to match the theme.

"Revenge of the interior decorator." Duo said under his breath as he walked slowly through. There wasn't even a discarded magazine on the table or any unfinished book lying in the big comfy chair. It felt too much like a hotel to Duo, not at all like it was lived in.

He walked around the furniture quietly, and moved onto the next room and in the general direction the kitchen was supposed to be. The next room was way too long for Duo's comfort, and it held one of the biggest tables he had ever seen. It was strong oak and there was even a chandelier that sparkled like diamonds that hung in the middle of the room. The table was absent of plates or silverware, but there were still vases of flowers and candleholders on it, ready to be accented by the china, which was elegantly displayed in a cabinet at the end of the room. The chairs were high backed oak and each had a deep green cushion on it.

Duo walked around the edge of the room, tempted to hide all the candleholders and empty all the vases, but walked onto the swinging door that opened up into the kitchen. The kitchen was all stainless steel and there was a large island in the middle of the room and a breakfast nook that was open to a concave window with white lace curtains.

Heero was sitting in the nook with an open newspaper and a cup of steaming coffee before him. Duo looked around the room nervously for any of the staff that Quatre had, but no one was there except Heero.

Duo quietly walked over and sat down across from Heero; there was a plate with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk waiting for him. Duo looked up at Heero, he was in the middle of an article, so Duo decided to try the sandwich.

To his surprise and delight, there wasn't jelly, but banana slices sandwiched with the peanut butter. Duo took two more bites and then swallowed some milk. He looked out the window to the dreary rain and the warm comfort of being inside, where it was warm and cozy made him sit back and sigh.

Heero put down his paper and looked up at Duo. "Did you sleep well?" He asked as he picked up his cup of coffee to take a sip.

"Yup, quite comfy!" Duo smiled and turned his full attention to Heero. "Where's Quatre?"

"Quatre's at work, he said he'll talk to you tonight." Heero had this look in his eyes that made Duo feel stupid for asking. Of coarse Quatre would be at work, he wasn't like Duo, he had responsibilities and a life of his own to deal with.

"Oh." Duo looked down at his sandwich. It was half gone now, but he didn't feel like eating anymore. "Do you think it'd be alright if I had a look around?" Duo nervously twisted his fingers in his lap, out of sight of Heero.

"Don't see why not." Heero went back to his paper. He was deffinantly behind distant. Duo stood up timidly and left the quiet kitchen to the front hall again. He walked through the rooms till he found an Arizona room with a door leading out to the gardens he'd seen from his window.

Duo slipped outside under a canopy of heavy trees that were lush and kept most of the rain from falling on Duo as he walked around. There were several dozen types of flowers that Duo could name and even more he couldn't. It was beautiful and Duo found there were chairs and benches set up at intervals around a path that wound its way trough the gardens. There were fountains and shrines that looked as if they'd been there for several hundreds years with the over growth practically swallowing them whole, but at the same time looking as if they had grown from the ground itself.

Duo found a settee near a miniature waterfall and leaned back onto the trunk of a sturdy tree right behind him. The sound of the rain hitting the hundreds of thousands of leaves above him made for a delicate symphony that was soft and lulling. Duo let himself casually explore the gardens throughout the day.

There were themes to each section, one was even based on Japanese rock gardens and had the sense that a river had once washed over everything and made it all so smooth that it was like looking over the surface of a placid lake. Duo liked the tropical section that was nearest the wall and got the most rain.

It was humid there, but the air was so cool that it was like there was a constant fog or mist there that hung in the air like a curtain. Duo found a lounge chair there that gave him a perfect view at the house through the trees yet at the same time allowed him to look beyond the garden walls to the green scape outside.

Duo sat there and looked up at the sky as little drops of drizzle landed on his cheeks and dotted his eyelashes. He knew it would be in his hair soon and then he would have to go inside and dry it all out. But at the moment he didn't care.

He just wanted to lay there and listen to the rain. It was calming and he felt less out of place here. Inside it was as if he didn't even belong with the servants. He was just an insect or plague that had worked itself into the fine tunings of a crystal palace, or, more correctly, a devil that had found a passage to heaven.

At the moment, he merely wished he had something that played music, he could almost hear the bass beat of his favorite song in his head. Duo closed his eyes tightly and then opened them as quickly as he could. He watched as the light first came in little circles in the middle of his sight and then spread out and the garden filled his vision yet again. It was an interesting affect. He saw all the green again in a new shade that was brighter and clearer than it had been before in the gloom of the rain.

Duo slowly sat up again, he looked up at the tree that was just across the path from him. The trunk was thick and steady, and there was a branch that was strong and at just the right height. Duo stood up and crossed the path, then used his arms; though thin and with little meat on them, to pull himself up onto the branch. From there he reached for the next branch and took a swing from it to get his body up over the limb in a slow arch, and so on till he was up near the top of the tree and the branches were quickly becoming less supportive.

Duo found one near the crown of the tree and found the bend quite comfortable. He sat back there and looked around again. The scape from up top the tree was much clearer and had a better out look on the grounds than event eh view from his room had. There was a large hanger on the grounds and mostly hidden from the front road by the mansion itself. Duo wanted to go take a look, but ended up deciding to leave it for tomorrow since he didn't want to get down quite yet.

Duo watched the wind move the grass of the surrounding hills, even with the weight of the rain holding most of the blades down; it still looked like a rippling sea of green. Duo contemplated what to do. He was so happy to be here, yet at the same time, the ominous feeling that he didn't belong and that he was only bringing trouble to his friends weighed down his heart. He didn't want to be burden, but what could he bring Quatre and Heero besides heartache and obligation.

Duo looked down at the ground, he was about equal with the roof now and it looked like a pretty far drop. Duo was thinking about how to get down when he head the door open and close. Through the trees he could see that Heero had come out and was now looking around.

"Duo?" Heero called out into the foliage. He wouldn't be able to see Duo from his spot in the trees. Duo suddenly let a smile cross his face and slowed his breathing. He began a slow decent of his tree and made so little noise, he knew that Heero had no clue where he was at the moment.

Heero was slowly walking toward the tree Duo was perched in, and was looking around at eye level for any trace of Duo. He was not looking up. Duo made sure the timing was right and then hooked his knees around the branch that hung over the path and let himself fall backwards.

He was just out of reach of Heero, but still very close. So that when Heero suddenly came to be looking at an upside down Duo in the middle of his path, he was taken aback and nearly pulled his gun. Instead, he took quick breaths to calm his heartbeat and focused on keeping the shock of the surprise form showing on his face as Duo laughed and then swung over the branch and landed on his feet.

"Wow! Did I scare you that badly Heero?" Duo laughed as he swung his braid over his shoulder.

Heero didn't answer, instead he went on with what he had come out for in the first place.

"It is nearly lunch time, Quatre called to say that he is having food sent over and to be ready.

"Oh? Really, what kind?" Duo perked up, he was starting to get hungry, he hadn't realized how much time had passed.

"Hamburgers." Duo's smile widened, but Heero looked as if he disapproved.

"GREAT!" Duo started to run for the house. Heero began to follow, slower. "Awe, come on Heero, don't be sore!" Duo called behind him when he realized Heero wasn't following as quickly as he had hoped. "It was just a joke!"

Duo sat across from Heero again, they were now at the big table that Duo had passed earlier. And despite the fact that it was dead quit and felt kind of lonely rather than friendly, Duo took a big bite of his hamburger and enjoyed it thoroughly as the juice from the meat dribbled out of the corner of his mouth.

Heero was eating with more care, but Duo looked as if he enjoyed everything better on the whole. It felt even better after the meal when everything was in his stomach and Heero had only eaten most of his meal. Duo leaned back in his chair with a content smile on his face and looked over at Heero.

"That was GREAT!" Duo felt better than he had since they had arrived. "Did Quatre say anything else?"

"Only that he will see us tonight at dinner." Heero sipped the glass of water that he had on his placemat instead of the soda Duo had on his. He paused then and then looked over at Duo when he had set down his drink again. "What were you doing in that tree?"

Duo looked at him a moment and then let out a little laugh. "Just looking around, enjoying the weather."

Heero looked positively stumped at that. Duo thought it out. "I haven't climbed a tree in along time, I kind of wanted to see if I could still do it. And its fun!" Duo took another gulp of soda a made a loud slurping sound on his straw.

Heero seemed to contemplate that while Duo stood and threw away the wrappings to his burger away and tossed the left over ice from his drink into the sink, but only after taking an ice cube for himself and then strutted out into the dinning room again.

"I think I still have some surveying to do, enjoy the paper, or a book or something!" Duo saluted Heero and took off down a hallway.

Duo suddenly looked around and saw the colors of the mansion in a different light. It was still gloomy outside, but after coming back in from the fresh air, the air was different. Duo smiled, really smiled, pleased and cheerful. He began peeking into rooms, there were plenty of doors that would open with just a push or a handle turn, and each one had its own use and its own style.

Duo even found one that had a pool table! He spent about half an hour there, and actually played a game against himself. There were rooms that were miniature libraries and poured books off their small shelves. In one room was a wall full of computers and electronic toys that Duo had to exit quickly as his fingers began to itch and he shoved them down in his pockets. He felt he should leave it alone until Quatre said it was ok, and he didn't even have a cent to his name if he did break something!

Duo continued walking through the big halls, everything was warm and cozy, despite all the space they had to heat. Duo found other bedrooms, all unused and empty, but welcoming. Duo found a room full of CDs and other disks at the northeast corner. He spent some time there just reading titles, then decided to come back later to borrow some when he could ask Quatre.

Duo then found a room that was locked. He passed it by and peeked into the next one and the one on the other side of the hall. There was nothing interesting there, but on his way back the door seemed to scream at him as he passed and Duo froze. He looked at it, and then pulled a clip out of his hair that held a small collapsible kit of picks.

With a few small turns he was past the lock and in a dark room in less than two minutes. Duo stepped in carefully, he could tell there was no other security, but that didn't overshadow the reason of why it had to be locked in the first place. Duo found a light switch with his finger and flipped it up. And the room was filled with an eerie light.

It was a red light, and the first strobe sent a shock through Duo's eyes and into his brain where a chill was triggered down his back. But after a look around he wondered why it had scared him at all in the first place. It was only a dark room.

There were lines across the room with cloths pins on them, some were still holding photos and some just hung, suspended in midair. The opposite wall was lined with tubs full of developing liquid and some still had pictures floating in them, bobbing near the surface or laying down at the bottom of the tubs.

There was a copy machine, a computer with a darkened screen, and desk on the sidewalls. Duo quickly shut the door behind him, he had a feeling that Quatre would not be very happy if he came home and all his pictures were blank. Slowly Duo walked under the lines and examined the tubs of picture that were still developing.

It was just the normal, enemy bases, mobile unit creation by illegal means, and pictures of liberal and military leaders, everything Duo expected to find from the head of the Winner Corporation. But as Duo went down the line of pictures, he found one tub at the end of the line that was a shock to him and at the same time, was something he would expect from Quatre.

There were developing pictures. Floating in the water, looking back at him were the faces of Trowa and Quatre together at some park, smiling and enjoying a fun day in the sun. There was another that was Wu fei in a training hall where the wooden floor reflected his stance with a katana. It was an amazing picture that looked professional and caught a rare side of Wu fei relaxed and maybe somewhat enjoying himself. Duo smiled at himself, wondering what Wu fei would say about him now. Scar-boy, wimpy, lazy, and dependent on others to keep himself out of harm and trouble he seemed to meet everywhere he went.

Duo shifted the photos around with his finger and watched the water swirl. From the depths of the tub came a lone photo. It was Heero; Duo moved the others aside so he could get a better view of it. Heero was in an open button down shirt and a pair of tight jeans. He was covered in oil and grease from head to around his knees where the picture ended. It looked as if he had just stopped working on the car he was leaning against with a water bottle in his hand and an oilcloth hanging out of his right waist pocket. There was a satisfied look on his face, he had no idea the picture was being taken and he was freely enjoying some free time to do what he enjoyed. It was something Duo had only seen twice during the war, and both times Heero hadn't known he was there, watching him.

Duo slowly picked up the picture, it was finished developing and waiting for someone to hang it. Duo slowly lifted it to a line and put a pin on its corner to hold it in place, suspended before his face. He stood a moment, just admiring the picture and then he decided he would come back for it later, when it was sure to be dry. Quatre would probable miss such a picture, but Duo could always conveniently use the copy machine feet away from him.

Duo, with his mind made up turned to leave. Duo jiggled the handle on the door to leave and then cursed himself for making a rookie mistake. He had underestimated security under Quatre's easy going façade. He had let the door close behind him and when it had, a lock had triggered. Duo examined the door and found, maddening enough, that the lock was a heavy bolt built into the door itself.

Duo looked around and examined the small room. There were windows, but they had been painted over to protect the pictures. Duo decided to take a chance anyway and went over to the farthest one. He knew from looking around this would only damage a few pictures, especially with most of the already developed. Duo found the lock and tested it out.

There were trip wires built into the sill, but Duo found he could deactivate them with the use of some of the metallic strips that were at his fingertips in the dark room. Duo twined metal over the wires and caused them to do a back track to trick the computer monitoring them into thinking it was still working fine. The whole thing excited Duo as he went through the steps necessary to keep anyone from discovering his blunder by losing skill in his off time.

Duo then began to work on the window. There was a seal around the pane and around the frame that fit into the sill, but it was weak with age and so based in a simple mixture that Duo found he could remove it with a pry under the edge and then by pulling it off. The same seal was on the outside, but a heavy push would jar it lose when he needed to get out.

Duo found the lock much more difficult, the lock had been melted with acid to prevent any entry or escape. Duo nearly sat back and gave in then, but pride pushed him on while he paced the small room, weary of the darkness and the ever-pending closeness that seemed to shrink in around him. Duo didn't like it, he was starting to feel trapped, and it was a very familiar feeling to that of being held in one of the OZ interrogation rooms from the war.

Duo attacked the lock again; he felt he could get it off if only he had come prepared, as it was he only had the supplies in the room, a pick kit, and the wire hidden in his hair tie. Duo looked in a cabinet under one of the basins that held the swimming photos and found the chemicals necessary to make the developing solution.

Duo looked them over and came up with an idea. Using the light bulb and the wire in his hair, not to mention anything else in the room that was made of rubber, he could form a conductor and zap the lock. He hoped it might spring the melted metal away from each other, it looked as if it was only melted enough to look impassable, but not so far gone as to be a firetrap.

Duo made sure his body was clear of any shock that might stray and then used the wire in his hair to make a circuit around the live bulb and to the lock and back, then tripped it off and watched as the electricity gave off a flash as it burned the air and the lock burst open and the window swung wide and outside.

The sudden light from outside, even on such an overcast day caused Duo to go temporarily blind while he held perfectly still and listened to the rain while waiting for the blindness to pass. The rain outside was still just a soft whisper as it hit one million blades of grass and thousands of leaves outside the window.

Duo looked out the window and found that it was over a ledge and that was next to a drainpipe that went down and disappeared into the trees below and into the garden. Duo began by cleaning up his mess and then climbed onto the sill where he lowered his legs over first. Duo had a big grin on his face as he let go and caught the ledge and drainpipe just before he might have fallen and broken something. He turned and began to climb down the pipe just far enough to reach an outspread branch.

Duo reached out and grabbed as far in as he could and realized it would not hold his weight if he was going to climb onto it. Duo stayed there for a minute accessing the situation before letting go and getting a good grip on the branch as far in as he could. The branch snapped under Duo's weight, but as he had predicted, the branch swung down first before completing the break and Duo was able to grab another, sturdier branch. However, it was not before he slammed into the trunk of the tree and slipped off two other branches that caught him in the side and on his right temple.

Duo lowered himself to the ground that was eight more feet down and then stood there for a moment before letting out a full-bellied laugh. He'd down it. Maybe not perfectly, but his instincts were still sharp and his body had quickly remembered what it was like and had click in sync with his mind.

Duo looked down at his ripped clothes and the dirt that clung to his wet body and his hair full of bits of tree. Duo laughed again and then made his way into Quatre's mansion. He snuck by the rooms, Heero wasn't in any of them on the path he took to his room, and then examined his choices to replace what he was wearing. He ended up picking out a nearly blood red long sleeved shirt and a new pair of black pants.

Duo then went into his bathroom and washed down quickly, spending time to make sure his hair looked like he had only stepped out into the rain instead of the lost in the jungle for a month look. He then dressed and came out of his bathroom and looked around. He found that he had successfully used up his afternoon and it was almost dinnertime. Duo decided to re-braid his hair and then go downstairs.

Quatre should be home soon; Heero had said they would talk. Duo felt slight trepidation at that but was ready and willing to get it underway. If anything, today's little adventure had shown him that what he had thought he had lost with the end of the war only lay asleep inside him, dormant until he was ready to call upon it again.

Duo made a decision as he separated his hair into three equal parts. All of the other four pilots had gone on to do something, not fallen into despair and helplessness like Duo had. They had jobs, a purpose in life; they were going on to contribute to the peace they had given their lives to achieve. Duo was with them now, and they were really his friends, not people who would desert him at the fist glimpse of his scars.

Duo put a tie on the end of his braid, he was now positively sure that with the help of Heero and Quatre he could get his life under way again, scars or no scars, though that still terrified him so that he held his arms close to his body even as a new determined look came over him. Tonight he would ask for their help, pride put aside.

Duo could be an agent or he could hack for Quatre, either way he knew that all he needed to do was get a new state of mind and get his body in shape again. Duo felt lighter already, and though he pulled the sleeves of the shirt down over his hands and then arranged his much longer bangs to hide most of his face, he felt like someone he had once been, ready to go into another battle.

That's how he had to look at this, which was all it was. Another mission, another battle, go out and win by being as crazy as you could and taking chances and trusting your teammates. Duo felt that at that very moment he could do just about anything.

He couldn't wait to go back and get that picture either. Duo stood up and gathered his thoughts, he put his socked feet into the slippers provided for him and then went out into the hallway, and descended the stairs to ask for what he needed the most.

A new chance at life.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing...wouldn't that be great though?  
But  
I just write about them as I wish it would happen

1x2 yeah!

this is currenlty all that I have. i know, sadness right! But rest assured that i am, even as i type this, working on the the next chapter. Honestly! it's open on another window right now! thank you for the comments, and for everyone who added me to their faves list or put me on thier alert system...O.o WOW! I can't tell you how much that makes me want to keep writing! (or somthing like that, it makes me feel really good!) so here it is...before my head gets too big.

**Scars  
Part Six: Moving Forward?**

To say that Duo had trepidation about asking for help as he descended the stairs of Quatre's mansion was a severe understatement. He could feel a slight twitch in the lower lid of his right eye and squashed it harshly before he came into the view of anyone who might be downstairs. His heart thudded against his chest, his ribs feeling pounded upon by the force that anxiety gave it. Duo keep going down the stairs, feeling the mushy carpet under his feet and through his socks, careful to make sure his steps were always direct upon the stairs so as not to slip and fall. He could feel the bruise on his side forming just under the skin from his earlier flight among the trees, and the small throbbing in his temple that told him firmly that he would have a headache later. Duo finally descended the stairs that came into view of the living room just to the side of the glossy railing and forcing himself to look over froze.

Quatre was sitting on an overstuffed chair that almost swallowed him whole, and from his peripheral vision, Duo could also see that Heero was sitting off to his right. But Duo suddenly didn't care who they were, all it meant was eyes on him. Duo knew that his nose was swollen, still healing from a sever break, his eye was black and purple, he had stitches that looked nasty down the side of his face and that he had a slight limp.  
Though his cast had been taken off, his bones healing unnaturally fast, his movement today had not helped their rapid recovery. But that was not the worst that suddenly plagued Duo's mind like black fog. His eyes became wide and frightened, he felt himself shrinking in as best it could under the two intense pairs of eyes. Duo knew his scars couldn't be seen on most of his body, though his hands, face and neck were still visible, but it was as if the cloths had gone from his back under stares and saw every inch of  
his body for its disfigured mass of scar tissue.

Duo knew right then he couldn't ask for help, he couldn't even completely come down the stairs, he could only turn around and retreat, go into the dark again as he had done with his apartment and computer job. Duo actually began to move back, striving for shadows, groping for the extra clothing he knew wasn't there. Heero clearly saw the panic in his eyes and Quatre had already picked it up the moment Duo had stopped on the stairs.

"Duo..." Heero started. Quatre sighed as Duo instantly disappeared from where he had been and they heard a door slam and locks click a few second later. Quatre knew that any sound would have made Duo run, that silence and comforting eyes would have helped his courage return, but Heero would not have known that.

Quatre stood up lightly and stretched unconcernedly as Heero's fists  
tightened in emotion that would not show on his face. He'd made a mistake, again a mistake, all he seemed to ever make where Duo was concerned. Even now, was bring Duo here doing him any good? Had he saved him, or was his fate doomed to be the same wherever he went. Since it was obvious that Heero was not able to help him like he should have been able to.

"Don't." Quatre said simply as he turned to Heero who was staring down at his clenched fists. Heero turned his face up to him in an unspoken question.

"I know what you're thinking and don't beat yourself up about this. You brought him here and that's the first step. You knew when you found him it would not be an easy road from here on. Maybe he needs a little more time."

Heero nodded solemnly and slowly, Quatre was right, and there would be many set backs in the beginning. Heero would have to help him through it, show strength and support, and not despair at every back step. Heero sighed heavily as he stood and started for the stairs. He was going to talk quietly with Duo, even if it had to be through the doors, till he was calm.

"Why don't you let me go?" Quatre suggested. "I need you to work on the plans of the Netro Base for me, I left the papers on the dining room table for you." Quatre began to climb the stairs.

After he was gone, Heero hesitated a moment, fighting an inner battle weather to follow Quatre up anyway or to go and work on something else to distract his mind from the broken record his mind had been over Duo's wellness.

Duo dragged the heavy quilt off his bed as soon as he was in his room with the door locked. He huddled in a corner; wrapping it tight around him, over his face so he couldn't even see his hands anymore. Softly he let humming over take him as he rocked in the corner, singing to the rain from his hellhole. Duo knew his breathing was much too heavy and that the quilt wasn't letting him have enough oxygen so that he was actually dizzy and nauseous. However, Duo only continued to hum, trying not to see what his mind feared, hundreds of eyes, all red, green, and black staring at him. All except for the pair of blue eyes that were in the middle and looked at him and stared at his ugly body and the scars that maimed him from the human contact he longed for, but resented. The blue eyes he didn't want to face tonight, he hated the nightmares with the blue eyes. From those he would always wake up in torment and falling out of bed to strike his head on the ground. He suspected it was a subconscious way of replacing the nightmares with pain, a better feeling.

He was so distracted by trying to distract himself that Duo didn't hear the first few times that Quatre knocked on his door. Quatre's voice just kept calling out his name in calm patience until he heard Duo's humming stop suddenly and knew Duo was listening for the noise at his door.

"Duo, it's Quatre. Can I come in?" Silence. Duo couldn't decide, getting up would mean dragging the quilt with him and he didn't want to have Quatre see him like that, but getting up without it was worse, he absolutely refused to leave the quilts safety. So in  
resolve, Duo stayed where he was and didn't answer Quatre.

"Duo, I'm coming in." Quatre sounded final and although Duo wasn't used to hearing Quatre speak that way, and he knew that the head of the house obviously had keys to every room and he knew that he was acting like a child, but it felt almost good to have someone else in charge of him for once. Duo didn't move as he head the door open, he had already scrunched down as far as he could get and huddled there trying not to let his muscles shake.

Quatre almost didn't see him and wondered if he was in here at all or that he had imagined the humming. But Duo gave away his position when he couldn't control the shaking anymore and it went beyond his muscles to his whole body so that he slid down to lay on the ground and remain frozen there. Quatre's first reaction was that there was something moving across the room in the corner, and now he found that what he had thought to be only a quilt tossed aside turned out to be Duo, covered from head to foot.  
Quatre was amazed not to discover his old and dear grown friend, but a small broken child that cried and cowered in the safest place known, under a blanket. He wanted to take away all the hurt that had ever sought out Duo and heal him of all his pains and miseries. As it was Quatre saw that Duo considered himself really and truly hideous and unworthy of anyone's affections. It didn't help that society placed too much importance on looks and with today's technology no one considered that people should go around permanently scared.

Quatre knelt next to Duo; he'd covered the distance without even realizing it. Slowly he let Duo accept his presence, worried about Duo's oxygen level but not willing to risk anything with sudden movements just yet. Not to mention, removing the element that made Duo feel safe would only cause him to become panicked. Quatre merely sat there, letting the silence hang as Duo's ragged breathing stayed at a level just above normal.

"Q-q-quatre?" Duo hated that his voice was so helpless, so hopeless and just begging for reassurance. Quatre had no problem with what Duo needed right now, pure and loving human contact. Sometimes it was just skin touching skin that made all the difference. Quatre remembered how wonderful it was to be draped in his sisters' dress, smell, and the smooth skin of her arms when one of them hugged him. He liked to believe that it was what it was like if his mother was alive and holding him. Now, quilt and all, Quatre lay down with Duo and wrapped his arms tightly around Duo. Duo stiffened like a board and then he began to lash out. Instinctively, he couldn't breath, couldn't see and arms where enveloping him, the only logical answer was that OZ had come for him; they'd found him. He wouldn't die now; they'd keep him alive and do terrible tings...terrible...things.

With his arms finally free, Duo beat down upon the form that sought to contain him, to hurt him. While his fists hit flesh hard enough to find bone Duo worked on freeing his head. So far the solider pinning him down wouldn't relent. He need to get out, he couldn't be trapped her, he still had to save the colonies, he had to- Duo came face to face with Quatre. Quatre was smiling at him, the kind of smile that said he understood, that everything would be all right. Duo felt tears coming up from deep within, tears that hurt so much, that were shameful. Duo buried his face in the quilt that was pressed up to  
Quatre's chest.

"I'm sorry" Duo managed to choke up in a whisper.

"I know, it's going to be all right now Duo." Quatre hugged him tight and let Duo get rid off all his tears and pent up emotion he had been forcing down or not even realized he felt. Duo knew that Quatre wouldn't pull away, he looked past Duo's skin to  
what was inside and that made Duo feel as if the sun had come out and lit up Quatre's eyes while he cried shamelessly. Maybe, not toady but another time; he would be able to ask Quatre for help.

Duo finally pulled away from Quatre, he remembered why he called Quatre one of his best friends ever, and the shockingly blonde boy had never been less kind, even during war. Duo automatically curled up again to think, unknowingly covering his face and hands. Quatre reached out and yanked on the quilt.

"Don't cover yourself up like that, I can't see how you feel when you do." Quatre smiled at him. Duo's face was a smooth surface of shock at his words.

"But...my scars...my face-"

"Stop right there!" Quatre stood up and looked down at Duo with a no-nonsense look on his face. "While you take residence in my hose I will have no moping and you will wear the cloths I provide for you. And Absolutely, Under No Circumstances, Am I To Hear The Words 'I'm Ugly' or Anything of the like!" Duo froze and didn't utter a word as Quatre looked down steadily at him.

Duo finally nodded, he would abide by these rules set down for him, otherwise where else was left for him to go. Quatre saw that he agreed and let his face fall into his friendly smile. He knew that Duo would need a lot of help at this point, but also discipline to keep him going at times when the solider still inside of him needed it. Right now, Duo needed a little bit of both to get him going down the right path.

"Now, come down and talk to us, we have a lot to catch up on the years we missed seeing each other." Quatre reached out a hand for Duo. With only the briefest of hesitation did Duo take Quatre's hand up and follow him out his door.

'I can do this; it's just a normal evening of talking. People are doing this right now all around the world and through space. Why shouldn't I?' Duo took a seat in a chair across from the couch where Quatre sat.

"Where shall I start?" Quatre asked as Duo sat back into the chair, he felt more comfortable now. Heero was somewhere else and he knew Quatre would talk to him freely.

"Well...umm, how about what you did after, well after we lost contact." Duo had always wondered what had happened to his comrades after he had split off from them. When he had thought about them on lonely nights, only to force them from his mind when it got too painful to do so.

"Sure, we'll start with the business..."

Duo listened attentively till sometime around one in the morning while Quatre relayed stories about all the four pilots. Quatre had taken over business for the Winner's and had taken in Trowa who was right now away on a trip to a far away beach for some relaxation. Quatre was supposed to have joined him, but now Trowa was coming back. At that point Duo and looked down and blushed in shame, but Quatre pushed it  
aside as a matter of great importance.

"We can get away any time we want, but we haven't see you in over five  
years." Trowa, thoroughly devoted to Quatre now that war was over, was in charge of a small company he had founded for technology development and also helped with Heero at Preventer headquarters. He had become more outgoing also according to Quatre's ratings and smiled more often.

Wu Fei was known to drop by everyone in a while, according to Quatre it was only to check with Heero on his search for Duo. He had been swallowed up by his ever present need for justice and joined the Preventers full time while also perusing his religion towards the deceased Nataku. Though it was downplayed now, he still thought too much on her for Quatre's comfort. He had thought that after the war Wu Fei might have a chance to move beyond that a get a life for himself that he would enjoy completely. Although Duo pointed out that there was little that Wu-man would approve of as a life for himself.

Heero, Duo spent the most time asking questions when the perfect soldier came up, had joined the Preventers in a part time gig and picked up working on broken cars that Quatre bought and then resold once they worked again.

Other than that he had spent his time on the computer Quatre had provided for him in the room that he used while stationing himself under Quatre's roof. Duo was amazed at how many places Heero had left to search for him.

The extent that his search had covered; Duo wondered why Heero hadn't found him earlier and then had to remind himself that he had covered his tracks as well as he had during the war.

When Quatre finally got around to asking Duo what he had been doing Duo froze and felt a chill go down his back. He looked around while glazing over his answer.

"Oh, I just worked from a small apartment by doing firewalls and programming over the net system." Duo found a clock. Score. "Um, Quatre did you realize its one thirty seven?"

Quatre turned and looked at the clock. "I see...well, we should finish this tomorrow when I can give you a full night of my attention." Duo sighed inwardly.

"Yeah, I hope I didn't keep you up too late with questions." Duo stood as Quatre did. Quatre noticed that without realizing it Duo had forgotten his scars, if only for a moment enough to be comfortable.

"It's ok, I don't really have to start till around nine." Quatre thought a moment before he went upstairs. "Would you like a lap top in your room?"

"Huh? For real?" Duo was astonished; he had long gone past the time where anyone ever gave him anything. Most things came with a cost and Duo was all to used to paying for things. But he realized that Quatre was going to give this to him, like a present.

"Yes, for real." Quatre smiled. "I think I remember Heero mentioning that you got a package just before you left that had data in it that pertained to a computer job."

"Th-That Would Be Great!" Duo smiled and his eyes lit up like Quatre hadn't seen in over five years. "You're the best Quat!"

Quatre smiled, he'd missed Duo's nicknames, and that smile. Quatre went upstairs to turn in for the night. Duo looked around. He realized there was light coming from the big dinning room and peeked in. Heero was sitting in the side seat at the head of the long table. There were papers strewn about him and the old and battered laptop in front of him.

"Wow, and here I was hoping that thing got smashed in the last battle." Duo said sidling up behind Heero and looking over his shoulder at the laptop that had occupied so much of Heero's time during the war and was still in perfect working order.

"Huh?" Heero looked up at Duo's words and Duo saw that he had been at this  
for some time.

"I think you need a break buddy." Duo said pulling Heero's chair away from the table. Heero clutched the seats arms at the sudden movement. Duo grabbed his arm and pulled him into the kitchen. "How bout a drink?" Duo pulled out two sodas from the large fridge and set one down in front of Heero.

"Uh, thanks." Heero took a sip and slowly let his shoulders relax. Duo pretended to be looking else where while still admiring his broad shoulders and sleek muscles.

"Working hard for Quat?" Duo sipped his own soda and perched himself on the counters edge.

"Yes. He is in need of the plans for a refuge base that is trying to set up perimeters so that they can comense-"

"Whoa man, too much info there." Duo chuckled. This he remembered. Heero always over explaining himself, being perfect in the eyes of everyone and carrying out every action to the utmost efficiency. "How about you just say 'yes' for a change and tell me how you feel."

Heero gave him an odd look and then sighed. "I feel tired and stressed but other wise...fine." Duo set down his drink before he took another sip and chocked. He had never heard Heero use the word 'fine' anytime in of knowing him.

"Umm...No offence or anything Heero, but...well, you've changed. What happened?" Duo looked up from the table and saw Heero looking confused. After a moment Heero seemed to realize what Duo was talking about and his face fell into relaxation. "You are referring to my ability to be 'more human'." Heero put it blatantly.

"Well, not in so many words, but deffinantly showing more emotion." Duo agreed. "When...during the war you never were this open with emotions and such. Now you are and I was wondering what happened since the last time I saw you?"

Heero looked away from Duo's violet eyes that had, just hours ago looked at him with such fear. When he faced them again his own eyes were brimming with an emotion that Duo didn't recognize as them ever holding, almost like sadness and regret.

"Duo..." Heero started and finding no way around it went straightforward.

"During the war you often commented that I was 'in-human' in my ability to, well, 'avoid' emotion." Heero took a breather. "I was more affected by those words then I think you may imagine. After the war I resolved to find what I missed out on 'being a teenager' as you often tried to help each of us do."

Duo was aghast with this sudden sharing of what he thought Heero had never really been capable of. He had thought since Heero had grown up the way he did, that in truth he might never really be human completely, but to have come this far, in the time when Duo hadn't been there for him. A strange feeling filled Duo, for him to have missed all this must have been hard on Heero, he had always thought he was the only thing consistent in Heero's life, trying to cheer him up. Even when there had been no cheer to achieve he had always tried anyway, if anything it was a way to spend time with Heero and talk to him. Now, thing were different and Duo had missed a very important five years of Heero's life and he couldn't get them back.

Duo didn't know what to say after that, and Heero seemed deep in some memory. When Duo finished his soda he simply threw the can away and left the room with a parting comment of "Don't stay up too late, ok."

Duo stood outside the door and tried to think on this, he already knew he wouldn't be able to sleep because of this one conversation. It was way too much information for him to take in on such short notice. Heero had hobbies now, a regular job and a caring personality, or the beginnings of one. Duo was about to turn and go back in, he could talk with Heero more, maybe tomorrow Heero could show him the cars he worked on...

"I wanted to learn to be human with you Duo, you were supposed to show  
me how..."

Duo froze at the words, his hand resting on the door, about to push it. Heero had been talking to himself, that was obvious, but had Duo really heard those words? Had Heero really said that or was he imagining things that weren't there again?

Duo turned away silently and went out into the living room and up the stairs. He couldn't hear anything but his own breathing and his heavy heart beat. Silently as he entered his room, Duo dropped into his bed and lay there for a few minutes before dragging the quilt over himself and passing out into exhaustion.

Duo's dreams were, as ever, haunting and disturbing so that he woke up well before dawn and lay staring at the ceiling. He listened hard for when a servant came in and left a heavy box just inside his door and left quietly, thinking Duo still asleep. Duo got up and dressed in what cloths were provided for him. Turns out Quatre had removed all long sleeve shirts from Duo's closet except one and that one was a dress shirt that went with a tuxedo. Duo pulled one of the t-shirts over his head and slipped into a pair of jeans that were slightly too big for him. Duo sighed heavily, everything was wrong. The rain outside only furthered to drag him down. Did the sun ever even shine here?

Duo found a laptop in the box, also a small printer and a digital camera that fit into his palm. There was a pair of speakers that he found under the storing paper and Duo hooked it all up on the provided desk before eight.

Duo found the disk in the package he'd received the day he left his apartment and slipped it into the D drive. Loading it up into files he found documents and an attached message from Harmony45 a long time companion from the net system Duo had worked off of.

"Shinigamii I got your last message, I was away on business, you know how it is. I looked back in files and found what you wanted and the information wasn't that hard to get, if you know where to look. The files I included are access codes to the Backlot's archives and storage housing systems. If you need more info just contact me at the TDK room, and don't worry, I still owed you from the Chick Program you helped me through.  
Harmony45"

Duo faintly remembered talking to Harmony45 little over a month ago and  
realized what she was talking about. Backlot was an illegal dug trafficking agency that supplied certain anti-depressants Duo had been interested in at the time.

He was even about to close it and toss the disk after erasing it, but just as he was closing a window, a file titled HGL: Happy-Go-Lucky caught his eyes.

Duo wasn't sure what he was doing, but things had gotten so bad now...before he realized it, Duo got a receipt and was talking to Harmony45 in TDK.

Harmony45: YO, long time since I seen ya here  
Shinigamii: Yeah, been busy, heard you were too  
Harmony45: Yeah, just the usual, you get my disk  
Shinigamii: I did, thanks for the info  
Harmony45: No problem, you really saved my neck last time, I would've  
had trouble responding so fast from lack of fingers if you hadn't stepped  
in!  
Shinigamii: lol, ok, well I just wanted to say thanks  
Harmony45: Hey wait! You know, there's been a demand for your viruses  
lately, some buyers want to get into some high security companies to  
stop 'injustice' if ya know what I mean  
Shinigamii: well, I'm kinda dropping out of the whole thing really, I  
found a permanent gig, I think  
Harmony45: come on, don't be that naïve, no place is permanent you're  
gonna need some back up cash when it falls through  
Shinigamii: I'm not sure  
Harmony45: think of it this way, it ain't your responsibility once its  
sold and it never hurts to have a little extra cash

Heero went upstairs to get Duo, after the talk they had had last night he had realized that he really wanted to know Duo again. This new side of his once best friend was a mystery to him and he wanted to share something with him again.

Duo was going through a rough time right now and would need support, Quatre had suggested that Heero have Duo help him on a car, and it sounded good to him. Heero moved to knock on Duo's door when he noticed that the room was dark from under the door and there was a steady stream of keyboard clicking that only paused shortly and then started up again.

Heero remembered Quatre's comment earlier about giving Duo a laptop to get his work finished with. But that should have been over earlier today. With the least amount of noise, using techniques he hadn't had to since the war, Heero peeked into the room and found that Duo, memorizing the screen briefly from the door then closing it, was working on a virus of some kind. Judging from the brief experience Heero had had with Duo's buyers for his work he wasn't sure this was a good thing. Heero didn't want to act before he got all the details, he could have some other reason for making a virus, though none that Heero thought of as good reasons...but he should consult Quatre first. So Heero went downstairs and began to work on a car that Quatre had purchased recently. He didn't notice that after lunch Duo left the premises.

And since Quatre didn't feel the need to keep servant for the whole day and security was base on the fact that they were so far from civilization, no one else did either.

Duo found the car half-a-mile down the road, just as they had promised. A Young woman with sleek black hair, a tattoo of a teardrop under her eye in a red dress that went well with her black convertible.

"Hey sexy, you free tonight?"

"Only if you are headed for the horizon." Duo gave the response  
necessary for a password. The woman smiled.

"Here ya go Cutie, don't overdose and we'll supply you when you're low. I live in the nearest town if ya run into trouble. Names Melinda." She handed a small bottle to Duo and gave him a sweet smile.

"Yeah, thanks." Duo looked at the bottle and stuffed it into his pocket. Ignoring Melinda as she stared outright at the scars on his exposed arms. "I think I'll be fine."

"Just in case, Hun." Melinda revved her car and did a u-turn back toward town.

Duo turned back towards Quatre's mansion and ignored the steady drizzle that had already soaked him clear through. He had what he wanted, and things would get better now.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

I'd like to apologize for the spelling errors and such, chapters 1-6 were all done on a completely different and older computer…and typed about four years ago. I am just not getting around to writing it again. And I promise to try and make it better! I have had more experience writing now, and I hope to slowly make up for the mistakes I made earlier.

Someone mentioned that I made Duo a bit of a wimp…I realize this, I made it that way on purpose since it is a fan fiction and I wanted to try a different approach…and I wanted Duo in the depths of depression, a place where he can hopefully be rescued from or keep falling deeper into…such as with real depression. But I take the criticism seriously and work from it, so don't think I'm just smashing them back…but I do feel the need to defend my fic. Still, I thank you for your input. Your contribution helps me fix what's wrong with my writing… which I still think needs editing.

**Scars **

**Part seven: Joy and Rage**

Duo ran up the stairs to his room and quickly ditched his damp cloths for new ones. He hoped sincerely that the help was not taking to close a look at how many times he changed, but maybe they only thought he spent his time in the garden, rather than his latest deed.

Duo went to the bathroom and looked around, there was no medicine cabinet, no drawers, and he considered the dresser but dismissed that as too obvious. The closet was left behind for the same reason. Then Duo stood in the middle of his room and stared at the window seat.

He walked over to it and pried at the inside corner of the cushion. It gave after a few tugs and he examined the woodwork beneath it. He found a small space next to a pipe and then popped open the bottle he held tightly in his hand. After spilling out one pill he then shoved the bottle in the small space and tucked the cushion back into space.

Stepping back to admire his work, Duo was satisfied to see it was a perfect hiding place and didn't look as if it had been disturbed at all. Duo went back to the bathroom and swallowed the small white pill with water from the tap. Duo stood there a few seconds…he knew it wasn't fast acting…but if it had been a hoax he would have reacted by now.

Duo went back into his room and looked around. The new laptop seemed to belong in the room with him. The bed had been made while he'd been out, that didn't bother him. His dirty cloths from yesterday were gone, replaced by this mornings'. Glancing at a small digital clock told him it was now it was time for lunch.

Walking slowly downstairs, Duo strained his ears for the sound of Heero in the dinning room. Hearing nothing he continued, he felt almost as if Heero would take one look at him and know what was up. Duo heard a car outside and froze. He almost turned and ran upstairs again. Instead he opted to venture forth and hid in the dinning room where he was almost next to the back door to the kitchen and could see a carport.

Duo watched as Quatre stepped out of a luxury black car and was meet by Heero who came out of the garage. Duo was almost in shock from seeing Heero, he looked almost as he had in the picture he'd found in the dark room. But something was different, and Duo realized that the Heero in the picture he'd seen had been at ease and relaxed, almost happy, this Heero was pissed.

He approached Quatre with an angry steep in his walk and stopped just short of him, wiping grease off his hands. Duo was surprised to find he could hear them almost perfectly through the glass. He missed a few words here and there, but could fill them in with lip reading.

"Don't look at me like that Heero, I think the lap top was a good idea." Quatre sighed and reached back into the car to pick up a briefcase.

"He's still up in his room, Duo used to never give me a moments rest during the war, it was a mistake." Heero frowned hard. Duo swallowed hard from his vantage point.

"Duo needs familiarity right now. And how can you base his whole existence on how he acted during the war. Haven't I changed, haven't you?" Quatre stood in the open door of the carport, watching the rain.

"I am not judging him." Duo saw anger behind Heero's eyes, but not for him, for his own hurt pride. Duo smirked to himself. That was the Heero he knew. Although, he was still talking a lot more than Duo ever remembered him saying to anyone.

"Duo is emotionally scarred as well as physically, I'm almost sure any other person would have cracked under the conditions in which he was living." Duo almost felt offended, but then let it slide off as a compliment in his own mind.

"I realize this, which is why he should not be alone in that dark room talking to those kind of people he left behind only a short while ago." Heero was clutching his rag tightly; Duo wished he were elsewhere now. He felt slightly sick and mortally ashamed.

"The reason Duo did not crack under that pressure is because he is a Gundam Pilot, he does things at his own pace." Heero looked as if he were about to interrupt but Quatre cut him off, "So let's let him alone to do just that. He'll recover from this, we got him out of that harmful environment and that is what counts."

"Exactly, he is recovering quickly, I think this access will hinder him rather than help." Heero seemed adamant in his argument over this.

"I am guessing you are referring to his recovery." Quatre smiled coyly.

"Even you must admit that it seem unnatural and hazardous. He was asleep for three days, and then on the forth day I found him climbing trees." Heero looked worried now, more than angry. Duo felt a stab in his heart; Heero felt compassion, if not only for just a friend, for him.

"And yet he still looked the worse for ware. He seems to be healing at an accelerated rate, but only on the inside. And I noticed his appetite is back." Duo could almost imagine Quatre skipping about the fields surrounding them in the smugness of his voice. "No doubt the rest of him will catch up sooner rather than later. He seems to be making progress either way. And you can't take the lap top away from him now Heero, can you?" Quatre look at him in an almost condescending way, but it was the almost that saved him.

"No, I can't." Heero admitted.

"So it's settled." Quatre concluded. "Might we go eat now?"

Duo didn't wait to see anymore, he raced back along the room and into the front room and halfway up the stairs. He paused there, waiting for the sound of doors opening till he started moving again. But such emotions were churning in his mind. Was Heero really considering his well being, or simply regarding him as another mission that needed to succeed? Did Quatre really believe all he had said? And most importantly, Duo regarded his ribs. He hadn't even noticed when he'd stripped off the brace, by right he should have hurt for days, instead, after a rest of sleeping for three days straight, he had gone out and climbed trees, and scaled the face of a building.

With all of his gallivanting about, Duo was surprised that Heero had not caught him doing that. Duo heard the door close and began a slower decent of the stairs as he had the first time down, pretending to look for someone who was up and about like he was.

Quatre's voice was just beyond the door as Duo reached the last few steps.

"Quat, that you?" Duo called out and felt foolish for doing so, but Quatre stepped trough the door with a bright smile just the same and Duo found himself smiling back.

"What are you doing home so early?" Duo didn't need to force happiness at this prospect, though he highly suspected that Heero had called him home from the conversation he had just witnessed.

"I decided to ditch work and have lunch with you and Heero today." Quatre smiled big and opened the door for Duo into the dinning room.

"A wise choice." Duo took a seat at the table across from Heero, but avoided his gaze, he sorely hopped that Heero didn't notice.

"I hope my choice of lunch was as well." Quatre put bags onto the table and Duo grabbed the one closest to him and stuck his nose in. The warm steam of Fried Chicken filled his nose and made him sigh in joy.

"I love chicken!" Duo pulled out a drumstick and bit down.

"Hold up Duo, let me get plates!" Quatre laughed whole-heartedly.

Heero stared across the table at Duo who was trying to focus only on the chicken. Duo felt light as a feather as he began to digest the poultry, almost ignoring Heero completely. Yet after only a few more moment he could no longer take being stared at with such ferocity.

"What is it Heero, eh?" Duo bit down on the chicken again and said with a full mouth, "Either say it or spray it, but don't keep that kinda stuff inside, you'll become constipated." Heero seemed to falter under this.

Duo started laughing and had to put a hand over his mouth before his chicken spilled out on the nice stained wood. He was still laughing at the look on Heero's face when Quatre returned with plates, and had to put his chicken down before he could finish.

Wiping tears away from the corners of his eyes, Duo looked at Heero again, who was giving him a more confused look than ever and smiled. "S'matter Heero?"

"Nothing." Heero said curtly and then began to eat.

"Suit yourself!" Duo chirped and began to spoon mashed potatoes for himself onto his plate. He felt giddy, felt happy, felt like he had just after the war, like he could take on the world and then some and fly a kite at the same time. He was so carefree; he could almost reach behind all these low hanging clouds and grab the sun to pull it out to shine on the weary day.

Quatre began to talk avidly with him as they got caught up in each other's enthusiasm. Duo jumped up as he finished his food, he took his dishes to the sink, still talking over his shoulder to Quatre and then hurried back to jump in his chair again. Quatre laughed and Duo reveled in the sound, it felt just like old times, just like…

Duo froze mid-sentence. His stomach had just lurched. He gave a small laugh; maybe he'd just eaten too much. He began to talk again to Quatre.

"So I sat waiting for this hacker to come back and try again, I had the perfect trap set up. Of course he came back, and I was waiting for him!" Duo decided he'd just take a nap later and let his food digest. "You're gonna love this, what I did wa-"

Duo gasped for air as a tight, sharp pain raged through his stomach. He cringed and saw Heero look up from his own plate and stare at him with suddenly worried eyes. Duo tried to smile, by this time Quatre was starting to stand up.

"Um, excuse me, I think I ate too quickly." Duo stood up slowly, then he left the room as fast as he could and still walk instead of run.

"Damn!" Duo cursed as pain hit him again just at the foot of the stairs. He ground his teeth together, determined to get to his room. Halfway up the stairs, pain went from his stomach up into his chest. Duo clutched his side hard and stopped. His hand gripped the banister so hard that his fingers turned white and he couldn't feel them anymore. It was an odd feeling, standing there and not being sure he was holding on, even though he was looking right at his hand.

Duo waited for the wave of pain to end and then took the stairs as fast as he could. This time he made it to his room before he got another bashing. Duo found himself very suddenly on the floor. He was on his hands and knees, gasping for air as the pain brought tears to his eyes.

"SHIT!" Duo screamed as the pain erupted in his chest and started to climb up his neck and down his spine. He thought he was going to explode from the inside out. He could think of only one thing to do. He crawled to the bathroom, leaned against the porcelain of the toilet and stuck his finger down the back of his throat. He had to do it twice before his gag reflex kicked in full and his stomach pumped the food out of him.

Duo retched; hot stomach acid burning while it came up his esophagus. It came out his nose and his ears and eyes burned. He kept going until finally he was dry heaving. He felt hot and sweaty, but cold and clammy at the same time. He wanted to fall over to the tiled floor and lay still, but instead opted for leaning against the wall. He reached out and flushed the toilet. He could still taste it in his mouth and smell it in his nose, it was all he could smell, not even the powerful air freshener up on the sink penetrated this vile smell.

Duo wanted to cough, wanted to go to the sink and swallow as much water as he could, wanted to wash his mouth out till the taste was gone. But he didn't move, he felt fear in all his joints, waiting for the pain to come back, expecting it. Duo looked up and saw Heero in the doorway.

"Are you ok?" Heero's voice seemed so deep and echoed against all the tile. He was looking down at him with something similar to concern, but also with a hint of disgust. Duo could understand that. No one liked to puke, or witness puke.

"I think I'm ok now. I ate too quickly. Too much." Duo rasped. He coughed and felt another headache surface. He hated headaches, and they seemed to get more and more frequent.

Duo watched as Heero walked to the sink and ran cool water over a washcloth. He kneeled down in front of Duo and handed it too him. Duo grunted his thanks and took it in his shaking hand. He ran it over his face and then over his mouth. He loved the coolness of it, but shivered as he ran it along the back of his neck. He checked his bangs for residue and made sure his braid stayed up off the floor now that he was aware of it.

"I think I'm good." Heero offered Duo a hand up and Duo took it, loving the ease with which Heero pulled him up to his feet. Heero paused at the door while Duo leaned over the sink and washed out his mouth, he also blew his nose while he was still there.

Duo looked up then, expecting to see himself and came face to face with his blanket. Duo jerked in shock. He'd been ready to look up and see his face…no that was wrong, he'd been expecting to see his old face, the smiling, smudged with grease, unscarred face he had during the war…

He heard heavy breathing and realized he was gasping for air. He felt Heero's warmth, just beyond him, hesitating…

Duo put his hand to his face and felt stitches, swollen skin, pain just below the surface. Duo stumbled back away from the sink and felt Heero catch him before he careened over the edge of the tub.

"Duo?" Heero's voice came form just next to his ear. Duo was startled by how close it was, he felt pain again, sharp and almost metallic in his gut. Duo doubled over and his knees gave out as Heero suddenly had to support all his weight.

Duo cried out as Heero's hands tightened around his waist in an effort to keep his standing. The hands moved to right under his arms and Duo whimpered as he was dragged out of the bathroom. He wasn't sure what was happening. He felt dizzy, disorientated, lost, and falling.

"Quatre!" Heero's voice was loud next to him as Duo was put on his bed. He tried to help, tried to claw his way up onto the bed, but he could feel Heero doing most of the work. Duo waited for the pain to go away, but it just assaulted his organ again and again until Duo was sure he would fall off the bed in spasm.

He heard urgent voices. Felt hands holding him down to the bed, he wanted to curl into a tight ball, but they wouldn't let him.

"Heero!" Duo managed to call out through ragged breathing.

"I'm right here." A voice answered.

"What's happening?" Duo cried out as pain came again and he closed his eyes tight.

"Just try and ride it out." Heero had no answer for him, he didn't know either. Duo held back tears, Damnit, but he was not going to cry again. He wouldn't curl up and accept it this time. Duo searched inside himself until he found a quiet place. Not darkness, but stark white. He let go of the noise and the pain, and refused to feel it. Duo's body was still riddled with muscle spasm and the breaking of smaller blood vessels, but his mind was calm.

The war didn't allow you to stop and think, if you did, you went insane. Instead you ignored most of it and just kept going. Duo stared up calmly at the ceiling and waited for his body to stop. No tears, no more crying out, just waiting. He saw Heero's face briefly, contorted in something that was almost fear, and more like realization.

"Do it!" He heard him say. And Duo felt the needle go in the crook of his arm and then ever so slowly, one muscle at a time, the pain stopped. The liquid was absorbed into his system and began to work instantly. Duo waited, and gradually the hands of a doctor and two nurses released him.

"Duo?" Heero asked as Duo finally lay still and quiet.

"Yeah." Duo confirmed that he could hear Heero and that he had no more pain, in answer to Heero's implied question.

"What was that?" Quatre asked the doctor, he still looked slightly terrified, his eyes a little too wide and his hair mussed in the front where he'd run his hands through it.

"I am not sure…" The doctor hesitated to give any explanation to what had just taken place.

Duo ignored them and tried to come back to himself. And suddenly he realized he was already there. There was nowhere else to go, he was just there. But it felt suddenly empty to be there. Duo looked around and came slowly in the realization that he really didn't care. If he had died the outcome would have been the same, no more pain. But he'd felt something while the pain was there, now he felt nothing.

Duo looked up at Heero talking to the doctor and then looked over at Quatre. Nothing. Duo knew that alone should call up feelings, he should feel something about not feeling anything. But he just felt numb. The only thing he could call up at all was despair.

Duo started to sit up and caught sight of his arm. He screamed. All attention was very suddenly back on him. Duo saw the eyes and panic filled him. He shoved away from them; he grabbed the blanket up and screamed.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME!" He covered his hideous body and slammed against the wall in frustration. Why the hell had Quatre taken away all his long sleeves?

"Duo?" He felt Quatre put a hand on his shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He yelled at Quatre, kicking out in reaction and hitting his friend in the shin.

Heero stared at him in the dark room and the whole world came to a screeching halt. He felt emotions scrabbling to escape. But pulled in the reigns and shut down till his face was a mask of black emotions.

"Everybody out!" He ordered in a voice that offered no room for argument. Duo listened, back up against the wall as everyone filed out, he counted in his head the number of bodies that left the room, then the door closed and he knew Heero was still there. Heero moved.

"Don't come near me!" Duo ordered from under his blanket, the embarrassment of the situation never entering his mind.

"Ok. I'll stay right here." Heero made a little noise so that Duo knew where he was without looking out from under his blanket.

"Ok. Good, good." Duo concentrated on breathing.

"What now?" Heero asked after a few seconds pause.

"Let me think!" Duo pleaded. He hated this all; hate consumed him, hatred towards himself, and utter despair at the situation. And Duo realized that the pill he'd taken earlier hadn't been completely absorbed into his body; he'd puked what was left of it up. Nothing was in his system now except for what they'd injected him with.

"I can't stay here!" He said it out loud as it came to him.

"Why not?" Heero asked.

"I want to go back to my apartment!" Duo grasped about, trying to think of a reason why that Heero would accept.

"Why?" Heero asked again.

"I'm a danger to you." Duo grasped a hair of a chance.

"Is that true, or do you simply wish to hide away again so no one will see your scars?" It was a harsh blow at the truth. Heero was taking a risk, but he could only move forward, it was the only way he knew.

"Yes…No!" Duo rocked back against the wall. "I mean, Carigan."

"Who is Carigan?" Heero asked.

"An employer." Duo felt his muscles shaking and wrapped his arms around himself to stop them. "He'll come after me, I didn't finish a program he wanted."

"We'll protect you, you don't have to give him anything." Heero offered.

"But I do, he's powerful Heero, He owns companies." Duo reasoned. "He always gets what he wants, I just need to get back to my apartment and finish it for him. It'll be fine, I just need to finish it."

"Then what?" Heero asked. "Why can't you finish it here?"

"He…they'll…" Duo felt panicked again.

"Stop running away from me Duo!" Heero stopped being non-threatening and pushed away from the wall. He walked straight towards Duo till he was finally knelling in front of him. He reached out and grabbed Duo's shoulder with one hand. But with that one hand he held on tightly.

"No excuses this time Duo." He waited.

Duo wouldn't come out of the blanket, but he did nod. He felt like complete shit…and also mad that he had just let Heero walk all over him…but he really had no moral high ground to stand on.

"Ok. You should sleep. When you're ok with it, we have to have the doctor look at you again." Heero left and wouldn't hear any of Duo's arguments against a doctor. Heero let him calm down, waiting outside his door. He knew when Duo fell asleep and then went and got the doctor.

He helped the doctor get Duo back on the bed and then watched as the doctor examined Duo. He moved around the scars, examining the sun-blistered skin, the small cuts and scratches, the stitches, the new bruises that screamed purple against his pale skin. He poked about his ribs and took his blood pressure.

The doctor motioned them out of the room, and gathered the two soldiers in the dinning room where the rest of their lunch left uneaten.

"Was this all he had?" The doctor asked motioning to the chicken meal.

"Yes." Quatre confirmed.

"It wasn't the food then. I can't say it for certain, but it might be the injuries he sustained before arriving here." The doctor looked at them nervously.

"But…that beating Duo took, he's almost completely healed from it. He still has the sun burns from the beach, but his ribs and bruises, they've been fine the last couple of days." Quatre argued. Heero silenced him with a look and then looked expectantly at the doctor again.

"It appears to me as if his body either healed too fast or simply gave the appearance of being healed. But when Duo began to move about again, he ruptured something and his body cant take it." The doctor looked properly ashamed of himself for also having belied Duo's wellness.

"So, he's still injured." Heero asked point blank.

"Yes, he needs to stay in bed until we can confirm with x-rays that his body is completely healed.

"And his mental state?" Heero asked.

"I'm no psychiatrist, but in this profession I've seen my fair share of psychosis. Duo is in a very deep pit of depression. But being a Gundam pilot, he has certain defense mechanisms that allow him to keep going, he just bottles it all up. But now that you've allowed him a chance to take a break from that and look around, it's surfacing and consuming him. The Scars seem to be a big part of that. He's sees himself as deformed. I suggest you hire an experienced psychologist. Duo is not beyond help, but he's knocking at that door."

Quatre looked crestfallen and Heero appeared cold and harsh while something inside of his screamed.

"Understood." Heero excused the doctor. Heero paused, thinking hard to himself…something else was wrong, he could feel it. The old Duo really wouldn't have just given up like this over a bunch of scars. The Duo he remembered from the war, though a ghost only in his mind, was still vivid and alive. He would have paraded around in something that showed off his scars to their full extent just to get a reaction. Something was completely and terribly wrong with this whole picture.

"Heero?" Quatre interrupted his thoughts. He looked up into concerned eyes.

"Hn." He grunted, he needed to think this over and possible research the problem a bit more, but before that, other things needed to be done.

"I'm going to contact a Therapist, I know someone and he can keep this all in the strictest of confidence, and he's the best I know." Quatre waited for Heero's nod and then left the room for his office and his Rolodex.

Heero went for his own room…pausing at his door to glance over at Duo's…it was still quiet in there; he could just barely make out Duo's breathing. He was deffinantly going to get to the bottom of this.

Duo sat uncomfortably in front of the tall man. He had large gray eyes and dusty blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. He had folded himself down into the chair in front of him a little over three minutes ago and sat there smiling at Duo. But Duo would be damned if he let this man see him squirm.

He'd woken early this morning with nothing to do, in the predawn gray of the morning. Duo had gotten up and dressed. He'd walked around the mansion for a bit…spending some more time in the garden. Then he'd ended up back in his room on the laptop Quatre had given him. Duo had been on for about three hours when Heero and Quatre had knocked at the door. Duo had felt outraged when they told him a therapist was coming to evaluate him. He felt betrayed and angered, but he plastered a small smile on his face and agreed to meet with Dr. Allen Hobbs. Duo was waiting for the Doctor to make the first move, but apparently the doctor was waiting for him.

Duo finally did break under the pressure though…he didn't like the smile on the doctor's face.

"I'm not crazy!" Duo didn't realize his own words would be laced with such malice until after they were out of his mouth.

"I didn't think you were." Dr. Allen, his preference even though Duo would have liked to call him something else, assured him. "Would you draw a tree for me?" Dr. Allen held out paper and crayons. Duo sneered at him.

"A house then?" Dr. Allen put the drawing supplies down on the table. "Or how about your family?" He saw Duo about to make a smart remark to this one and cut him off. "I know your past, I merely mean the people you consider to be your family."

Duo considered the doctor. "A tree." Duo snatched up the paper and a few select crayons. He began to doodle a tree, like the one he climbed out in Quatre's garden.

"And I'm not going to kill myself or anything." Duo snapped, he could feel the doctor's eyes on him.

"I was thinking nothing of the sort, just wondering why you seem so ashamed of your scars. I would think you'd be proud of them." Duo flinched and then smiled manically.

"Proud…let me tell you something about pride." Duo sat forward in the overstuffed chair, setting his tree aside. He'd just have to explain it all to the good doctor, no way getting around it. And he knew Heero, the boy wouldn't give up, even if he chased this doctor away, there would be more to come after that. Best to finish it quick.

Duo retired to his room after the session had gone on for an hour and a half. He looked stressed and tired and Heero and Quatre made no objection to this. After he'd retreated Heero turned to Dr. Allen and demanded to see his notes.

"I can't show them to you. Duo has not signed a release for allowing you to be regarded as his guardian, and is old enough to act as his own." Heero looked ready to argue this issue, but the doctor was fully prepared for such reactions.

"As it stands, I will discuss some other things with you." Quatre put a hand on Heero's arm to calm his down and allowed the doctor to continue.

"Duo's mind is not plagues by psychosis that might do him harm, though he is jaded, as you all are, from the war. However, he is in a deep depression. He cannot pull out of this one on his own, he will need your support." Dr. Allen informed them.

"What about medication, an anti-depressant?" Quatre asked anxiously. He really didn't want to put Duo on a pill, but if it would help…

"No. I do not think a pill would solve his problems right now. I strongly suggest against it, in fact. Some Anti-depressants tend to be addictive, and an addiction problem is the last thing he needs right now. I think an anti-depressant at this point would only harm Duo, not help." Dr. Allen concluded. Quatre nodded and Heero agreed silently. They saw the doctor out to his car. While upstairs Duo was pulling back the window seat and pulling out his HGL and popping the lid.

Duo stared down at the pill in his hand. Maybe if he didn't eat. Or only ate a little. He popped it and then hid the case again. He double-checked and triple-checked to make sure it wasn't visible that he'd pried apart the window seat and then tucked himself into bed. A short nap might help.

Duo woke about two hours later, feeling great. He decided to forgo a meal, just incase and go investigate in Heero's garage projects. He felt light walking down the stairs. The pills worked…he'd need to order more. He just needed to be wary of this little hitch, no heavy meals and taking it easy. That was the key; he'd have this thing licked in no time. He'd show Heero, he was still Shinigamii!


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Here we go! Another chapter…finally. Had a little problem with this one, but I made the time and sat down and finished it! Really, REALLY sorry it's so late, fall is all downhill when you work in retail! Also marks the end of classes.

**Scars**

**Part eight: Missed Chances**

Duo walked down the stairs, he had on boots this time. The carpet felt deeper with shoes on, he felt as if he bounced down the stairs rather than walked. He smiled easily as he pulled on a sweater he'd found in his closet and headed for the back door in the kitchen, it was the closest one to the carport.

He'd already checked the mansion for Quatre and Heero, Quatre was in his office upstairs and Heero was nowhere to be found inside. Which meant he was outside, probably in the garage.

Duo opened the door and stepped out into the overcast day. It was sometime in the afternoon, still early, but you couldn't tell by looking at the sky. Duo wished for the sun a bit, but having avoided it for so long, he wondered if he might start to feel anxious if it did break through the clouds.

Duo quickly made his way through the house and then briskly walked out the kitchen door and towards the garage. Duo was about to open the side door when he froze with his hand on the doorknob. If he stopped and actually thought about this…how was he going to pull off just waltzing on in there, after the earlier incident, and working with Heero on a project where he probably wasn't even welcome?

The same way he did everything else, Duo decided, blindly with pure dumb luck! Duo pushed open the door and strutted into the garage that was filled with the sound of tools, the smell of oil and what appeared to be half a car. Duo walked around it, looking at what parts were there and which weren't as he made his way around it. He found Heero's legs sticking out on the far side of the car where he was reaching for a wrench and had parts of an old axel strewn about him.

Duo knew that Heero knew he was there. Duo hadn't bothered to be quiet and Heero was to good of a solider to miss anyone's entrance while he was stuck halfway under a car. Duo nudged the wrench with his foot so that it was within Heero's reach and Heero crapped his hand around it and pulled it under the car to where he was working. Duo listened to the sound of him tightening something and waited. He put the ball in Heero's court as to what to do now.

Heero finally rolled out from under the car and pulled an oil rag from his back pocket and wiped his hands before he stood up to face Duo. He wore jeans that were mission one knee and maybe one size too big for him with many stains on them. His shirt had obviously once been a t-shirt that had lost it's sleeves and collar to the cause with it's front pocket gone and only square, less faded area where it had once been. Duo felt over dressed in his black pants and sweater. He was wearing a tank top underneath, but he didn't plan to take off the sweater. His boots were the only part of him that fit into this environment anymore.

Heero wiped the rag across his forehead, despite the weather it was rather warm in the garage, and looked Duo up and down. Duo didn't like being looked at but he pushed that away as best he could and gave Heero his best smile. He thought he saw something flicker in Heero's eyes before he moved past Duo to a rolling cart of draws that were brimming with tools and parts.

"How do you feel?" Heero asked.

Duo followed him and leaned against a bare part of wall. "I'm better, that nap really helped!" Duo smiled, and he found that this time, it was easier. Felt a bit more familiar.

"Good." Heero's words seemed to be coming out more liked barks than human words.

"What are you working on?" Duo asked, then felt stupid for asking. He felt his shoulders start to hunch up and his back slouch. It was obvious what he was working on, Duo could see it plain as day, what he didn't see was what came next.

"I'm fixing this car so that it will run on artificial fuel and ride as easily as others out on the market now. I'm using some parts that I have altered myself and some I bought in town. It's an older model and once it's in working order Quatre will sell it to one of his clients and I will start on another." It was as if Heero had just made an award winning speech and Duo would have been less surprised if a dog had walked in playing The Nutcracker on an accordion.

"Oh." He relaxed and looked at the car with a different eye. "Having fun?" He smiled without realizing it, without forcing it and Heero next to him tensed up in the arms.

"It is enjoyable work, and I find it relaxing. It is something to do rather than sit behind a desk all day. Such monotonous work can wear on the soul after too long." Heero commented in a low voice.

Duo laughed beside him and Heero jerked, startled at the abrupt and almost unfamiliar sound. "OK! I know you didn't come up with that one. That has Quatre written all over it" Duo sighed and quieted down before he approached the open engine.

"Looks good so far, need help?" Duo didn't look it, but his heart stopped and his jumped into his throat in the moments that passed while Heero assessed his question.

"Yes, I could use some assistance with the fuel line and then combustion gears." Heero nodded and turned to gather certain tools. Duo let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and felt instant relief and joy. He didn't let Heero see it, so he just turned until the silly grin left his face and pulled up another scooter along side Heero's.

They worked at removing the old and degrading fuel line and were about to put in the new one when Duo saw that he'd already gotten some grunge on the sweater from Quatre. He grumbled and before he realized what he was really doing he'd rolled back out from under the car and stripped off the sweater. He threw it through the open window of the car and paused. It was now that he realized his problem, the tank top.

It showed a lot of his neck, back, shoulders and all of his arms. He felt a twitch in his right eye and a catch in his lungs. He was on the verge of panic when Heero's voice broke though to him.

"Hand me the small black screws to your left and bring back a Phillips head." Duo just stopped. He stopped the rising nausea in his stomach and grabbed what Heero wanted. He shoved himself back under the car and tried to force himself to forget his current situation. He stripped two screws of their ribs before he finally did forget and started to concentrate on the work.

Duo and Heero got the line set and cleaned most of the gears when Heero called a break and went inside to grab sodas. He returned to find Duo standing over the engine black and his heart beat hard against his chest. Duo, silhouetted against the florescent lights, almost seemed like a dream. He looked as if he were suspended there by a dieing will. As if he would fade away at any moment. Heero set down the soda on the workbench and walked quietly toward Duo, afraid the slightest sound would send him off into oblivion.

Duo was so scared, his whole body, like before, in the apartment. Heero still remembered his horror and anger when he'd seen Duo lain out before him on the bed. Then he'd screamed and Heero had felt his insides twist and wrench. Now Duo was a foot away, but he still felt like he hadn't found him yet. For Heero it was like he was still searching for Duo, the Duo he'd last seen at the end of the war. The one that had jovially waved at him after the celebration and promised to call him; But the call had never come, he'd simply disappeared. If he'd fallen off the face of the Earth it might've been easier to find him, but Duo was smart, his genius with computers had hidden him on Earth, in society, not away from it.

Heero had wondered about that when'd he'd found Duo and tracked him to the beach, why there? But he hadn't dwelled on it long with the impending difficulties at hand. Duo had transformed, out of Heero's reach he'd become something that Heero didn't recognize and even now, he was so distant.

Heero tentivly reached out a hand, longed to touch him. But there at his fingertips was a scar. A long jagged burn across his back left shoulder blade. It was shiny and slick, Heero had a lingering thought about what it must feel like before he actually reached out and touched it. He hadn't really meant to, but it was too late to take it back now.

Duo reacted to the touch in a way Heero hadn't meant for him too. Duo's muscles all jerked at the same time and he turned instantly. Heero was shocked by his speed as Duo found him standing there with his hand out. Duo's momentum was too much though, and his urgency to back away from what had touched his scar too strong. He stumbled backwards and fell into the tool cart. It rolled, or rather slammed back until it hit the wall and stopped. Duo grimaced from the pain of its edge in his back but his wide, panic-stricken eyes, stayed on Heero.

He was stranded between shock and anger. Heero of all people should have known that he didn't want to be touched. Duo was breathing hard and shallow at the same time so that he felt dizzy and flustered. He gasped and finally got out some words, thought not in the order he would have liked.

"Heero?...Why did you…don't want…Don't Ever Do That Again!" Duo finally snapped. He decided that anger was good, but not in thought, the anger made him feel better, safer.

Heero seemed dumbstruck and brought his hand down quick to his side.

"I'm sorry." It was somewhere between a mutter and a mumble, but still clear.

Duo didn't know what to do next, he was still breathing hard, but the look on Heero's face told him clearly that there was no real danger that he should feel threatened by. He took deeper breaths and strived to calm down his racing heart.

Heero did a back track and grabbed the two sodas. He slowly approached Duo and made sure both his hands were visible and stayed a respectable distance away. He held out he soda and kept his eyes empty and void of the turmoil raging inside him.

"Thank you." Duo was glad his voice came out steady as he eased up off the cart and took the soda, though he made sure no part of him touched Heero again. And though he longed for the sweater behind Heero in the car, he forced himself to do without. Quatre was right in that he needed to stop hiding behind long sleeved and coats when they weren't needed and uncomfortable anyway.

Heero and Duo sipped quietly and the tension in the air eased till they were both comfortable with each other's presence again.

Duo started to suggest they get back to work when he caught Heero's eyes. The tension built again, but this time it seemed more intimate. The look in Heero's eyes held something Duo didn't recognize. But he did know that Heero had something he needed to get off his chest and Duo couldn't do anything to avoid what was coming next.

"Five years is a long time." The words were so abrupt and unexpected that Duo was left gaping at Heero. How was he supposed to respond to that? Make a joke of how fast the years had gone by, comment in a similar fashion, or not say anything at all? There was nothing to say to that which might make up for the years he'd avoided Heero, no way to take any of it back or explain why. Duo knew his confusion must be showing, no, screaming on his face. He was glad when Heero went on but tried not to let his relief show.

"I didn't understand what had happened at first. You just vanished. I found your…your apartment empty." Duo was shocked at the feeling that was coming out behind Heero's words. But he just listened silently; he had to see this through. "I thought maybe OZ…but then Quatre said he'd talked to you."

Duo remembered how he'd packed in a hurry, how he'd rented the truck and stuffed everything he'd owned in the back as fast as was possible in his condition. The incident Heero was talking about had happened earlier that day. Duo had been just checking out of the hospital. Quatre, as usual, had been the one to hear he'd been attacked and rushed over with flowers and concern.

He'd rushed into Duo's room just after he had pulled on his shirt. Duo had already gotten his papers signed and was just leaving and Quatre was standing there in the doorway. That hadn't been the first time he'd felt it, seen it. He'd witnessed it all with the doctors and nurses and already he hated it. But he smiled at Quatre and turned the hate inside, he'd feel it later, let it out later. But later had never really come.

What first showed up on the faces of the doctors and nurses faces and now Quatre's face soon appeared everywhere Duo looked. It had been terrible at first but it got worse when he healed and the bandages came off. The horror, the pity, the disgust. Faces turned away from him is shame, children wouldn't look away, and soldiers would look through him. Duo began to feel as if he were going mad. He would flinch when people looked at him, turn away before they could, then he just started to avoid them. Going out later and later, avoiding busy streets, busy stores, and nightclubs. Duo eventually found himself avoiding everyone completely by staying in his apartment all the time.

But that first day, that day when Quatre had stood there looking at him with tears in his eyes Duo had felt something inside of him twist and contort into something unnatural. He'd been in pain, nauseous, and a throbbing migraine had made him sensitive to the morning light. He'd seen it all in Quatre's face, how bad it was, how bad it would always be. He wasn't just ugly, he was disfigures, a victim of war, just like all the others. He was and forever would be now, a pity case. A lost cause. A mad hero.

Duo had exploded. Of all people he found himself yelling at it was Quatre. Ever caring, ever understanding, ever forgiving. And all Duo wanted was for him to yell back, to hit him, to tell him he was being stupid and foolish and that things wouldn't change even if he did look completely different, even if he was scared.

But Quatre hadn't given him that. Quatre had stood there, trying to understand what Duo was feeling and Duo hated him for it. He'd screamed and then his mind just wanted to get away. He'd screamed over and over that he was leaving and Quatre should not follow him, should make no attempt of finding him, to tell no one. He had stormed out of the hospital as best he could and walked all the way to the truck rental and decided right then and there that he was moving and not looking back.

He hadn't meant to leave for five years, not really. Maybe in some part of his mind he thought he would go and cool down and then return eventually, after he fully recovered. But months turned into a year, and a year turned into five years, and Duo found that he couldn't bare the thought of going back. Of seeing their faces, contorted, like everyone else. Duo found he didn't want to be touched, to be showed any compassion and that he grew hard and cold and hid himself more thoroughly as a result.

"You wouldn't tell Quatre anything except that you were leaving and you didn't want to be followed." Heero said, "So he let you go, I don't think he realized what you meant when you said you were leaving."

Duo nodded, he'd known it then too. He'd known that Quatre would give him a few days rest at home, leave him be and then visit again when he felt Duo had calmed down and healed. And Duo had made it a point not to be there when he showed up.

"Why did you feel you had to leave? What was so bad that we couldn't have helped you with?" Heero asked out right. "During the war, you said that when it was all over you would remain my friend, no matter the consequences or outcome."

"Look Heero, I know what I said." Duo felt that contortion in his gut again. Was it the HGL's? Maybe it was just anxiety. "But things happened, things I couldn't have foreseen. We were kids. How could I have known…" Duo felt sick of himself, he knew he was running away again…running from Heero, from the truth. But there was no way he could explain this to Heero, he wouldn't understand. Couldn't understand.

"We were supposed to go drinking, celebrate the end of the war." Heero suddenly wouldn't look at Duo. "We were supposed to-" Heero cut himself off.

"Looks like a shit load of missed chances to me. Shoulda, coulda, woulda…" Duo felt himself turning in again, closing off, and shutting out Heero. It was too painful, knowing that Heero would never love him…never… "Kids stuff. Dreams. Not real." Duo snapped.

Heero looked taken aback. Hurt even. Duo looked away and turned around so he couldn't even see Heero at the edge of his eyes. "I want to help with the car Heero. Can I?" Duo felt like shit for asking, for not even looking at Heero when he asked. But he had too, he couldn't loose that now. Even if he felt like he was slipping away again he had to throw back at least one lifeline before he screwed up and lost it all.

Heero was silent for what felt like hours, but in the end he said yes. Duo took that as his cue to leave and all but ran out the door into the growing dark. He rushed into the kitchen and through all the empty rooms to the stairs. Duo felt sick again, but this time it felt less like his heart being strangled and more like his stomach shrinking.

Duo trotted up the stairs and was about to disappear into his room for the evening when he heard Quatre laugh. He didn't want to hear what came next, but his name popping up where it shouldn't always brought out the eavesdropper in him.

"I remember when Duo came out of that building, not covered in explosives and debris, but in food! I still can't believe he stopped for a snack before escaping an exploding building." Quatre laughed and Duo recognized what could only be a phone call. He could hear his heart beat and crept a little closer to the door that stood ajar further down the hallway.

"Yes, I think he's doing better." Quatre's chipper voice projected out into the hallway, most likely unintentional, but Duo still felt like this was too easy. "He's eating more now, he's still so skinny, unhealthy skinny."

So he'd lost some weight, he was still in top shape! He wasn't a bird that needed to be force-fed. Duo felt indignation color his cheeks.

"I'm not sure, hold back a little longer. I don't think he's ready to see you just yet." Quatre let worry seep into his voice at this. Duo held his breath.

"Yes, it's too soon. Wait a few more days and I'll call you." Quatre started to wind down the conversation and Duo started to skirt back to his room.

"Bye Trowa, love you." Quatre's voice echoed down the hallway and in Duo's ears. The loud click of the phone going back on the cradle was the last thing Duo heard before quietly closing his door. He heard Quatre walk by and finally let out a loud sigh of relief. Trowa?

Duo shivered at the thought. That tall one-eyed evaluation glare. Trowa always saw everything, especially things you were trying t -o hide. Quiet and observant and always there; Trowa was coming? Duo started to crawl out of his cloths and walked into the bathroom. He took care of himself and then crawled into bed.

He wasn't sure how he felt about Trowa, could he handle anyone like that now? Could he keep it together? Duo checked his watch and set the bedside alarm for five hours later. He could take another HGL then.

Duo curled up under the covers. He's just skip dinner, he'd eat tomorrow. For now the conversation he'd just had with Heero began to run around his head. Duo heard for the first time the words he had said. He hadn't really stopped to think about what he was saying when he had said it. Now it all played out in his head and he felt like an ass.

He'd been a jerk, cruel even. He'd shot down Heero at every turn. And now Duo saw it, Heero wanted their friendship back.

"And I blew it again. Good going Maxwell, way to sabotage my own love life." Duo curled up tighter and ground his teeth till it hurt. He finally lay still and let sleep take him from all this hurt. Maybe if he slept on it, tomorrow he could apologize in a way that didn't make his seem like more of a jerk. Maybe he could make up for today's mistakes.

And maybe all my scars will disappear in the dark. Duo silently drifted and didn't stir when Quatre came to get him for dinner or when Heero came to check on him. But Duo did get up to take another HGL five hours later.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Ok, retail is no fun during the holidays! But even with 50 hours a week, at least I can get this started…and finished! Thank god that's over. Oh, and if you have the chance, pop over and read my other fic I just started. Locked Doors. Hopefully this one won't have so many holes!

Scars

Part nine: Under the Glass

Duo really wanted the orange juice sitting in front of him. Condensation already dripping down the sides of the glass and a light foam around the edge. His body craved it, wanted the vitamin C and his mouth longed for that tangy after taste. But Duo didn't move to take a sip, he'd finally discovered a balance for the HGL's after two more days of trial and error. He had to forego food for a couple of hours after taking the pills, then after he calmed down it would be ok to eat. Just not really heavy food.

Duo stood and took his food to the kitchen. He wrapped it up in plastic wrap for later…he was almost accustomed to eating meals later than he was used to, and alone. But it was the price to pay for all he'd gained in these last two days. Duo had helped Heero both days in the garage as long as he could. That meant the first day until he couldn't take the strained silence anymore, and the second until Quatre came out and dragged them in.

The first day had been all about the car, but the second day Duo had finally just started asking Heero questions about the last five years. He'd reached desperation after just one day of silence. Maybe back in the war he had put up with it, but there was no war now and there was just too much that Duo wanted to know. He'd had fun bounding around the garage. Handing Heero things he needed and then just pestering him with more questions. When he'd started fixing old cars, did he have pets, his own house or apartment somewhere, where he shopped for groceries, did he have any tattoos…just about anything that popped into his head.

Duo felt life in himself, something he hadn't remembered he had. It was like before, when the rest of his life had been lain out before him and he was ready to just jump. Just before it had happened, Duo remembered having a vague thought about years to come when he could get closer to Heero, get his own place, put down roots, and then everything after that was surrounded in haze and fuzzy. Mostly pain and anger.

Duo walked out to the garage. Heero never waited for him to finish his food. Duo was glad of this, he didn't want him to notice his odd eating habits. Duo spent another day with Heero, popping off to eat and bring food for Heero. Bouncing around as much as he could without hurting himself and asking more questions.

"Heero?"

"Hn."

"Have you been celebrating the holidays?"

"Quatre invites me to his Thanksgiving and Christmas every year." Heero snapped something and then asked for a wire cutter.

"Yeah, but what about the other ones? Like Halloween?"

"I have handed out candy to children previous years." Heero snapped a couple of wires and Duo stared down at him through the engine. If he moved his head just a certain way, Heero was framed by the battery and the oil.

"But do you dress up?" Duo smiled big at the thought of Heero in costume.

"No." Heero got a small frown line between his eye brows.

"HA! I knew it!" Duo laughed.

"Have you?" Heero countered to him and Duo froze. Heero paused, looking back up at Duo and looked about ready to take back his words, but Duo spoke before he lost his nerve.

"I did…the first couple of years, but it didn't help. I could never cover myself up enough, and no make up hid…" Duo swallowed hard. "People still saw, they saw through everything, saw that they were real…my…scars." Duo breathed deeply and pressed on.

"They remembered me from other nights and the previous years, and they treated me just the same. I don't remember many people who even really ever looked me in the eyes."

Heero stared at him, put down what he was working on. He wished he wasn't under the car.

"I'm sorry Duo…" Heero started to say, but Duo pushed away from the car.

"S'not your fault." Duo slurred and gathered his composure away from Heero's piercing gaze.

Duo ate as much as he could at dinner, but it wasn't very much. Sort of talked without thinking, whatever sounded good came out of his mouth and he ignored the beginnings of a headache. Quatre watched him, unsure if Duo didn't like the food or if he was feeling ill again. Heero was staring openly.

"Guess I'm not that hungry." Duo gave a feeble attempt at a laugh.

"Are you feeling ok Duo?" Quatre asked.

"Yeah, just tired I guess." Duo shrugged. "I think I'll go to bed early." Duo excused himself and tracked up to his room. He rubbed his neck and swung onto his bed. Something in his stomach twitched and Duo sat right back up. Duo shoved off the bed and went to the window seat where he dug out his pills and to Duo's dismay he suddenly realized that he was down to eight pills. Duo popped one and then began to worry. What if he ran out, what if he skipped one.

He hadn't tried it yet…but after the reaction he'd had for just getting on them, he was terrified to stop. Duo jumped into his desk chair and booted up his laptop. In the beginning Duo had only wanted the pills to pull himself out of depression, but now he feared that if he stopped he'd just make a big u-turn and dive right back in; Maybe even deeper this time. What if he never felt this again? This lightness inside himself, a familiar feeling, how he used to feel all the time. Like he could fly. But in the war it was less, he'd had to come back down and be serious from time to time. But if he kept a hold onto this feeling, he could go back to being Duo, easy going, care free, happy-go-lucky Duo. The jester everyone loved.

Duo signed on and began to search.

Shinigamii: Harmony, you here?

Harmony45: Hey, there you are! What's up?

Shinigamii: I need help, how do I find her again?

Harmony 45: You out?

Shinigamii: Almost

Harmony45: Just go into town, she's hanging near the C store.

Shinigamii: Just hanging around?

Harmony45: yeah, no delivery this time, but she'll be there

Shinigamii: Thanks!

Harmony45: no problem, just remember the cash

Shinigamii: Right, I gotta go

Harmony45: Don't be a stranger, you're still king here, reign supreme!

Shinigamii: Yeah, right.

Harmony45: no kidding man! You should pop in more often.

Harmony45: you don't know it, but a lot 'o us respect you

Duo stared at the screen. He couldn't believe what he was reading. They were following him, monitoring his jobs probably, and learning from his viruses. Mimicking him? That could be dangerous. But anyone who was posing was probably shot down right away by the others.

Still, Duo couldn't tear his eyes away from the screen. He was about to type something back when he heard a knock at the door. It was soft, almost in audible, testing to see if he was still awake. Duo shot his laptop quickly and launched himself across the room. He'd had the H.G.L.'s sitting on the desk next to him while he talked to Harmony45. Duo fervently stashed away the pills and fought with the cushion to resettle correctly.

"Come in." Duo called over his shoulder as he finally set the cushion in place and turned in one motion to sit on the window seat. Duo watched the door open and reveal Heero standing before him.

"Hi Heero! You need something?" Duo tried to slow his rushed heartbeat and his heavy breathing. His stomach pinched at his side from the sudden and excessive movement.

"I came to tell you…" Heero stretched out eh words and Duo was extremely aware of the cushion beneath him. He could see it in his mind, askew and Heero seeing through his act. But Heero only seemed to be hesitant. "I won't be working on the car tomorrow."

"Why not?" Duo felt his heart sink. He didn't like the feeling and wondered if Heero could hear it in his voice.

"I have to go into town for parts." Heero wouldn't look Duo in the eyes.

"That's perfect, I have to go into town too! Can I come?" Duo saw opportunity falling out before his eyes.

Duo suddenly gasped for air as he saw Heero's eyes come up sharp and his expression change dramatically and drastically. "You want to come into town with me?"

Duo felt his heart shoot up to several beats per second, or what felt like it. He had just voice an urge to go into a busy town in the middle of the day, where people would see him. The thought alone made his sick; People's eyes, staring. Duo shivered and folded his arms in an attempt to hide the fact that he was holding onto himself to stop the shaking.

"Uh…well…" Duo racked his brain for an excuse for his sudden outburst. "I can go out…I just need my coat." Duo tried to talk about it casually, but he was sure he was failing. "As long as they don't stare…I'll be ok."

Heero looked at him, doubt plastered all over his face. HE wasn't buying Duo's act.

"Heero, I need to get out of this house for a while." Duo saw a thread, the end of a rope to tug on. "I mean, even at my apartment I managed to go out and get some air every few days. I need a change of scenery." Duo put need into his eyes. As far as he knew Heero still couldn't read minds, so it didn't matter that the need Heero saw for a small taste of freedom was really a need fro something else entirely.

Duo saw it working, saw Heero falter in the face of Duo's lie. Duo felt a pang of guilt as he saw Heero caving. But he needed this, so he pushed just a little more, just to assure victory.

He looked away, letting his bangs fall and cover his eyes, a picture of vulnerability. "Do…do you mind going later in the afternoon?" Duo let the need flow into his words, wrapping them in cold water of reality and fear. A fear he knew all too well, and had sworn not to show…but he needed it now. To make sure that Heero was assured of his confession.

Heero saw it, grasped it, and Duo triumphed. If they went later in the afternoon, when people were home eating dinner and winding down from work, they would be out in a thinner crowd of people shopping. It was the perfect excuse and a great cover. Heero would shop, Duo would lag behind, and while Heero was purchasing, Duo would slip a new bottle of pills right into his pocket.

It was only temporary after all, he'd finish recovering and then he'd give up the pills. He just had to get over this one hill. Duo hid it all behind his mask as he watched the cogs work in Heero's head.

"I don't mind." Heero had lost this round, whither he knew it or not.

Duo got his coat from Quatre; he'd had to talk his way out of that one too. Quatre wanted him to go in just a sweater, but sweaters didn't have collars, or over all of him completely. Duo had done a quick step around each barrier Quatre put up and finally got him to had over the black trench coat that he loved so. It had been cleaned, but it was deffinantly his coat. The edges frayed, stitched Duo had done by hand to the lining, a hidden pocket that still had a candy wrapper in it. Duo smiled to himself and knew he loved this coat for a reason.

Duo slipped it on over his shoulders right before they left. He ignored Quatre's concerned looks and followed Heero out the door. His nerves were taunt and strained and he was jumpy as all hell. But he had a perfect picture in his mind of Melinda, and he was sure he could find her again, if what Harmony45 said was true, which it usually was.

Duo climbed into the passenger seat of a SUV and Heero started it up when Duo buckled his sea belt. The car ride was silent, Duo was far too nervous to speak the words that were on his mind. He was racing around in his head faster than the speed of light. He saw hundreds of scenarios that could play out with one mistake; he could hear hundreds of conversations that he really hoped would never take place. He was worried that if he started talking out, the words in his head would form in his mouth on their own and everything would come spilling out. So Duo sat there staring out the window and Heero sat there concentrating on the road in front of him. They wound through the green hills in a dark atmosphere, but a nice light drizzle that promised more later, but not a real threat to their trip.

When they did arrive at the border of the town, Duo snapped out of his daze to look around and began to memorize all that he could see. The buildings were all two or three stores and all built into the sides of the hills. The valley they were nestled into was not too steep, but all the roads were driven into the sides of the hills and platforms of land were carved into small nestles of light. Duo watched as they drove past home, stores, a small park, a large gym that he suspected also held a pool. A resort and a convenience store; It was the last that interested him the most.

As they drove by and up into the parking lot of a garage with one open stall left, Duo saw a bright red convertible turned dark by the weather parked in front of the convenience store. Duo jumped out and followed Heero into the warmth of the garage office. Duo shook small rain droplets from his bangs and hiked up his collar till his face only showed unmarred skin. He looked around and found a tall man with a goatee and a messy ponytail of red hair. He had a jumpsuit tied off around his waist and a wife beater that was smeared to hell with grease.

"Hey, Heero!" The guy looked up from a computer with a plastic cover over the keys that made Duo cringe. "I got your parts!" They guy came out from behind the counter and shook Heero's hand. And Duo noticed for the first time, the fingernails of the two men matched. Both were grease stained black, permanently, the stains that were almost gone completely from Duo's hands that came form working with engines and machinery.

Duo stuffed his hands in his pockets; almost ashamed that he didn't have grime to match and then told himself he was being stupid. He followed behind Heero like a shadow as the tall man led Heero back into the closed off part of the garage and to a small stack of boxed.

"Just got them yesterday off the truck. Looks like everything made it this time." Heero looked down at the boxed and Duo could see him checking off a mental list and almost laughed out loud.

"Who're you?" The tall man suddenly had his eyes on Duo and the ex-solider froze. He saw the eyes try and see his face completely and searching for what he thought Duo was hiding, which wasn't what he was hiding at all.

"This is Duo, he's…" Duo cringed at Heero's hesitation. He would have to fill in the blank himself.

"Duo Maxwell, I'm an ex-solider, I fought with Heero in the war." Duo tried to make his voice sound like more than it was from behind the collar of his coat.

"You're…you're Maxwell?" The guy nearly stuttered at his name. Duo saw respect fill his eyes and hated it. He was being looked at like he was of the same caliber as Heero, which he wasn't. He didn't like that this guy had already put him on a pedestal before even having one conversation with him. He was used to having to earn respect, but that the moment, he wasn't really in the mood for those people that saw him as a war hero when he'd only ever been a terrorist. Sure, he'd been the kind of terrorist that saved people, but that was only recognized after the war was over.

"I'm Rivee." The name stumped Duo and he realized the guy was talking to him. "I run this garage, my wife works at the Fast Fix on the corner. Ember." He smiled wildly at Duo and held out his hand.

Heero looked to Duo, saw the fear that he was sure Rivee didn't see. He waited; he could still save this if Duo wouldn't-

Duo pulled his hand out of his pocket and shook Rivee's hand. He did it light and quick and then stuffed his hand back into his pocket and then looked to Heero. Heero took his cue and started talking to Rivee about the parts he'd received.

Duo had to play this part just right, he walked around, looked at everything he could, stretched his legs and even eventually took his hands out of his pocket to pick stuff up and look at it. He acted more and more relaxed, drowning out Heero's voice and examined tools with mild interest. He hoped Heero remembered how easily he got bored and made his move.

"Rivee?" Duo interrupted the man, but acted as if he was still distracted, turning his face to the open garage door that he was standing in front of.

"Yeah?" Rivee and Heero had looked up and over at him.

"Your wife carry those cupcakes with the cream filling?" Duo acted distracted as if he might leave without even hearing the answer. Let more of his face show as if he'd forgotten.

"Yeah. They get flown in." Rivee confirmed what Duo knew would probably be true.

"Heero?" Duo turned to him with a smile. He saw Heero's shoulders relax and felt a little pang of guilt, and then shoved it away.

"Hn." Heero replied to inform Duo he was listening.

"I'm going to go and get snacks. Quatre doesn't have nearly enough junk food in the house." Duo smiled bigger.

"You need money?" Heero asked, looking a little distracted and Duo knew he'd interrupted at just the right moment. Heero's mind was still on the parts.

"Naw, I got it." Duo gave him a small wave and strutted out into the rain. Duo hiked up his collar again and walked quickly to the Fast Fix. He blew into the doors and stopped, looking right up at his own face on video surveillance.

"Hi." The voice snapped him back as he turned to his left and meet bright green eyes. He widened his vision and saw a name tag that said Ember. She had long black hair pulled up into a ponytail and a gray button down shirt that hugged her figure and showed off just the barest hints of a tattoo on her right arm.

"Hi." Duo nodded to her and then looked around the store. He saw the coffee and started for it. It was steaming and the smell was that of fresh beans, not the stuff that was freeze-dried.

"You new in town or just passing through?" Ember asked him. She ignored her magazine open out in front of her on the counter and watched him pour coffee for himself.

"I'm new." Duo answered and then put a lid on the coffee and watched the steam float up through the little hole. "I just meet your husband. Rivee."

"Oh yeah, you up at the garage?" Ember smiled and Duo felt his heart stings strain. There was something in her smile that he envied, something he was jealous of completely.

"Yeah, Heero introduced me to him just a few minute ago." Duo took the chance that Heero and Rivee were good friends from the way they acted with each other.

"Oh yeah? You moved in with Heero and Quatre?" He was right.

"Yeah. Just got there a few days ago." Duo walked through the short isles and picked out snacks, chips, cupcakes, candy bars and some gum. He brought his stash up to the counter and leaned against it while Ember casually rung him up.

"They're good men. You a war hero too?" Ember asked, her eyes on the computer screen that Duo couldn't see.

"I've been called worse." Duo felt at ease with this woman, admired her wedding band with three small diamonds set into it.

"I remember you boys from the war, I lived because of you." Ember suddenly looked up at him and Duo was taken aback by the ferocity in her eyes. "You killed all of those men that day, those OZ soldiers. I was able to escape. I was very young, but I made it out while they fired at you."

Duo swallowed and felt as if all the water had been sucked out of his body. He wanted to look away, but couldn't break away from her eyes. Anxiety began to seep into his mind as she stared; she was looking at him for too long. He couldn't take it.

A lone ping sounded form the door and Melinda walked in just in time to save Duo from Ember, or the other way around. She looked them over, seeing Ember with dead eyes, and Duo with slight interest. She didn't seem to recognize him at all, but Duo saw the act for what it was. He was used to the little games that the dealers played. Her short hair bobbed around her neck and the black tear shone as night against her pale skin.

She had on a similar dress to the red one she'd worn that day, but this one was bright green and a little longer, but with slits. She swayed on heels and pulled energy drinks out of the back freezer. She came back up to the front just as Duo pulled out his money to pay Ember.

He saw Ember eyeing Melinda closely, suspiciously. Duo suspected that Ember knew exactly what Melinda was up too; she had certain knowledge in her eyes that betrayed her innocent expression. Ember handed Duo his change and then quickly rang up Melinda.

"Fourteen seventy-two." She told Melinda in a dull voice.

"Oh come on Ember, why can't we be friends? Everyone's got to make a living. Don't see why mine's no different than yours. Supply and demand you know." Melinda swept back her hair and flipped it in a way that Duo was sure to notice. She turned her eyes to Duo, "You wouldn't blame a girl for just trying making a living, would you?"

"Stay away fro him Melinda, he doesn't need what you're selling." Ember thrust change and receipt into Melinda's hand and put enough force behind it so that Melinda had to take a step back.

The door Pinged again and a guy walked in with a heavy brown coat. Ember tilted her head to the door, telling Melinda to get out silently.

"This is a public place of business, I can linger to trade friendly banter with other civilians if I want." Melinda barked at her, scooping up an energy drink and popping the top.

"Not if I say you don't!" Ember leaned far over he counter. "It's my business, and I have my rights too, the right to refuse you! You're lucky I haven't yet banned you from my store!"

Duo backed up a little, he could just see Ember launching herself over the counter at Melinda, and there was enough venom and malice in her voice to suggest that this vision wasn't too far off. He was stressed about how to get alone with Melinda, or close enough to make a quick trade off when he heard a familiar sound that made every muscle in his body come alive.

There was no mistaking the sound of a gun being cocked. Duo hated that sound, it was only for show anyway, no gun really needed to be cocked. It was just a way to get people's attention, and when that sound happened, people did pay attention.

The man in the brown jacket instantly had everyone's attention. He had pulled on an old baseball cap that was mostly faded so that the color was indistinct anymore. His sandy brown hair stuck out in strands that screamed unwashed. They were limp and thick strands that reached his neck and didn't really hide the needle marks there that were heavily bruised and swollen.

"Shit." Melinda cursed as she raised her hands up in the face of a loaded gun. Duo and Ember mimicked her. Ember's face set into a mask that Duo knew his own face had. Emotionless and set.

"Give them to me Melinda, everythin' ya got!" His hands shook visibly and his voce was strained and hoarse. "And you, everthin' outta the register!" He motioned at Ember with his gun.

"Eve thing's in my car honey, just come outside with me and I'll give you my whole inventory." Melinda voice was coated with honey fresh form the bees and her hips moved as she put weight onto her right leg. Duo could only guess what this guy saw when she did that.

"N-No! You got something on ya! I know you, I know you!" They guy wiped sweat from his face.

"He's right about that." Ember scoffed, she hadn't moved. "Come on Cody, drop the mugger act, we know it's you, no use in hiding that."

"No! You hold still!"

"I haven't moved!"

"So don't!" Cody waved his gun from Melinda to Ember, to Melinda, to Duo.

"You won't be getting out of her alive if you don't put that gun down Cody." Ember put emphasis into her words and especially on the word 'down'. "My husband's expecting me home soon, and the police are just down the street now, they usually come in for coffee just about now. I always put on a fresh pot for them before I close." Ember glared at the Cody.

"Just give me the money!" Cody screamed at her, she jumped slightly and then gave a loud and exasperated sigh and put down her hand to the keys on the register.

"All right already, just hold on." Ember took her gaze form Cody to the register, but as she did, she raked her eyes across Duo and they flashed bright green.

Duo made a split second decision, he could wait for the cops or for Heero and Rivee, and he knew Ember was telling the truth on both accounts, or he could do something stupid.

Stupid won out. Duo pitched forward, he shoved against the floor and launched his body at Melinda and used her to swing his legs around. As they went down his foot kicked in Cody's knee cap and bullets hit the floor where Duo had been, on of the back freezers and then twice into the ceiling. Melinda screamed and Duo saw Ember vault over the counter, she went into a roll and came up kneeling in front of Cody with a rifle to his chin. He had been yelling about the pain, but was now wholly focused on not getting his head shot off. Ember cursed at him and adjusted until she was in a steady position to remain on him for hours.

"You two ok?" Ember asked, not looking away from Cody. Duo hadn't realized how skilled she was, he suspected that from her little encounter with Gundam pilots she'd then learned to defend herself properly, so it never happened again.

"I'm ok," Duo confirmed and then turned to Melinda. She looked a little shocked, but adjusted her skirt and stood up.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Melinda ran her nails through her hair. Duo was bout to ask Ember whom he could call when sirens broke the rest of the quiet town.

"Told you they weren't far off." Ember scoffed at Cody, his eyes got shifty and wild, Duo took three easy strides and was at the doors, blocking his escape as the squad cars finally pulled into the parking lot.

The cops came in, took Cody kicking and screaming into custody. Melinda stood close to Duo and Ember waited a few feet off.

"Ah, here's Rivee and Duo." Ember said and Duo felt a hip thrust into him.

"Thank you so much for saving me! I was so scared!" Melinda slipped her arm around Duo's hips and squeezed.

"Get off of him Melinda!" Ember strode over and began to swat at Melinda who just laughed at the shorter girl. Just before she separated herself from him, Duo felt expert hands slip into his pocket, take something and then deposit something.

"Call me?" Melinda winked at him while Ember strove to get between them.

"No he won't!" Ember snapped. "Now go talk to the nice police man about that stash in your car!"

"Duo?" Heero's voice made Duo look around, even as he took the pill bottle from his pocket and moved it so that it was hidden among the lining of the hidden pocket. "Duo! Are you ok?" Heero grabbed Duo's arms and stared at him in earnest.

"Yeah Heero, it's ok. I'm ok." Duo smiled at him, reassuringly, or manically, he wasn't sure at this point, adrenaline was still pumping his heart.

He saw Rivee and Ember meet in an embrace that meshed Gray and white together till Duo could barely see Ember anymore.

"That's my girl!" Rivee laughed. Duo smiled at them, Ember's ruffled hair and small arms were just about all he could see of her.

"You shoulda see the roll Rivee, it was beautiful, let me get the security tape!" Ember giggled and broke away from him.

"We'll need to stay for questioning." Heero said to Duo who turned his attention back to the worried face. " Are you ok?" Duo interpreted the deeper meaning behind those words. Was he ok to stay and have people questioning him and staring at him and expecting explanations.

"Yeah." Duo admitted after some thought. "I'm ok."

"I was lying, obviously!" Melinda's voice broke the privacy of their conversation. "I just told him what he wanted to hear, try and get him to calm down. Did you see the boys neck?" Melinda was standing a little away from her car as officers searched the interior lining.

"Come on Melinda, everyone know what you do!" Ember shouted at her.

"Oh, very funny!" Melinda stuck her tongue out at Ember.

"Who is that?" Heero asked, sticking close to Duo's side.

"Local drug dealer." Rivee answered. "It's a small town, everyone knows. The only reason she's not been shipped out of here, is that they've never caught her with a thing on her. I think it's all done via Internet. Whatever she does, wherever she hides it, she's good."

"She sells drugs?" Duo asked. He pretended to look her over. "Where would she carry them?" He asked as if astounded.

"I know huh." Rivee gave a sharp laugh. "She always dresses that way too. Wasn't a time I don't remember her like this." Ember elbowed him and then was taken aside for questioning but a cop she seemed to know.

"A dealer…" Heero whispered it so that Duo almost didn't hear, and he pretended not too.

"Maybe she's wearing a wig." Duo suggested, knowing full well where the last of her stash for the night was.

Heero looked at him, shrugged and grabbed his unspilled coffee from its spot on the counter and handed it to him. "Hopefully we won't get caught in a storm on the way back. This could take a while."

"Yeah," Duo yawned after he took a sip of coffee. "And I'm getting tired." Duo looked away from Heero, he could feel searching eyes on him. He knew Heero was worried, probably angry too, and Heero was always best at putting clues together. But he wouldn't see this, he just couldn't. Duo hugged himself with once arm and stared at the ground. He'd gotten the pills, they were in his pocket now, and all he had to do was get them back safely. He wouldn't need anymore, he was sure of it.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Ok, so I took a break to add another chapter to Locked Doors, but now I'm back to write another one for Scars! I had spring break and I got sick, so I didn't have it typed up as quickly as I could have. So here goes!

Scars

Part ten: End of Deception

Duo rolled over in bed, he was too hot one second and too cold the next. His sheets covered half of him, and his other half was tucked under the comforter while his left leg stuck out into the cool air. He kept flipping his pillow over and over, trying to find a comfortable position before the pillow heated up and got soaked with sweat.

Duo felt a twitch start under his right eye and let out a great gust of air in exasperation. He had to get up, had to walk something out of his system. He was worried, he was sick, he was sure he had a fever. But he couldn't go to Quatre or Heero; he had to wait it out. He wanted to take a pill. That would get him to sleep right away, it would ease the jumpiness he felt, it would fight off this darkness within him, but he didn't feel right taking one if he was sick.

But a little voice in the back of his mind kept asking if he was sick because of a virus or the pills. He felt awful, pain kept washing over him in small waves and then every once in a while he would get a really big one and he was sure he'd already passed out at least once, but he'd woken again, even more uncomfortable.

Duo stumbled out of bed and braced himself against the wall; he padded to the door and shoved it open. The hallway was blessedly cool, but he got chills up his back as his toes turned to ice. Duo cursed his body and kept going. He used the wall as a guide and as a support, he wondered down the hallway, fighting slight dizziness, and then made it to the stairs. Duo listened closely, was someone down there? Who would be down in the living room at this time of night?

Maybe it was one of the maids or something, maybe Quatre was working. Duo didn't care at that point; he was going to the kitchen, one way or another. He took the steps one at a time, holding to the railing with a death grip and leaning back ever so slightly so that if he did fall, it wouldn't be a dark pitch forward. He made it down halfway when he missed a step and slid down three stairs before he caught himself. Duo froze and tried to breathe normally. He was scared and in the dark and wished he had hit a light switch somewhere along the way. Screw waking anybody up, he'd be lucky to make it to the kitchen alive.

Dou waited and then started down the stairs again when he was sure he wouldn't fall again. He made it to the landing and congratulated himself. He looked around and found that the light down here was brighter from the moon streaming in the large windows and he could see the door beyond the overstuffed furniture to the dinning room. He started out, sticking close to he windows and the small spots of wall in between them.

Duo shivered again and again, but he made it to the dinning room without incident. He pushed open the swinging door to the dinning room and started around the long table. About half way along Duo suddenly rammed into something. He stubbed his toe and felt a tug on the nail as he shot his arms out to catch himself on something before he fell. Before him there was a deep thunk as something hit the heavy rug and Duo stopped himself by grabbing the table. Duo cursed in a loud whisper and squashed his toes under his foot against the rug to try and stop the pain. He bit his lower lip and waited.

When Duo reached down to pick up whatever he'd run into, he found one of the heavy chairs. Duo realized that for him to run into it, the chair must have been pulled fully out from the table and left in the middle of the pathway round the table. Duo put the chair back where it should've been and felt along the table. Sure enough, he found stacks of strewn papers, pen, and a few folders. He could barely see them in the dim light now that he knew what he was looking for.

Duo realized that someone had gotten up out of the chair in either a hurry, or had just neglected to put it back. And considering who was sleeping upstairs, anal-retentive weirdoes, he was betting that someone had left in a hurry. Maybe Quatre wasn't even here anymore; maybe he'd been called away for some reason. Duo wouldn't have known if he had been, he'd been in his room asleep most of the evening until about five hours ago when he'd woken up to this fit. And it had already been late then, now he was sure it must be early morning.

Duo continued to the kitchen and turned on the light. He covered his eyes quickly for the stark brightness of the light against all the tile and clean appliances. Everything was impeccably clean and Duo kept his eyes half lidded till his eyes adjusted to the intensity of the light.

He went over to the sink and leaned against it, a tick starting in the muscle of his upper arm and making him worry again. Duo turned on the water and put his hands under the cold flow. The water went form cool to freezing in seconds and Duo quickly pulled his hands back. He didn't dry his hands, but put them to the back of his neck and then against his cheeks and forehead. He felt a little better.

Duo went to the refrigerator. It's endless shelves of well-stocked food called to him. Duo took out some supplies for a sandwich and grabbed some flavored carbonated water; he was starting to prefer Quatre's choice drink to his own. The carbonated water was easier on his stomach than soda syrup was. Duo took a hearty sip and then opened cabinets till he found plates. He already knew where to get a knife, and then he opened everything and began to fix his dinner. He'd missed the meal earlier, and he could feel his body reprimanding him for it.

Duo had a strong stack of meats and cheese along with some lettuce and tomatoes. He squashed the sandwich as flat as he could, smiling at the slight squish it made an the overflow of ingredients that fell onto the plate around it. Duo took it to the breakfast nook and used both hands to get his concoction to his mouth. Duo polished off the sandwich and felt like his old self. He remembered sitting at home having such a sandwich before…before everything happened.

Duo smiled, but it was sad. He got up and began cleaning up after himself. The only remains he left that showed he had eaten at all was the dirty plate in the sink. He took the half gone drink with him and turned off the kitchen light. He waited till his night vision returned and he could see the door in front of him.

Duo went back around the dinning table, careful this time, with his hands out in front of him a little. He made it safely this time and found the swinging door on the other side of the room without incident. Duo pushed through to the living room. He froze as he thought he heard something. Every sense was alert as he retraced his steps. Duo was almost halfway across the room when he saw the dark spot in front of him on the floor. Duo stopped and stared at it.

Was it a stain? It hadn't been there the first time he'd been through the room. Duo reached out with his foot and prodded it. The spot gave and it was soft against his skin. Duo reached down and grabbed it. The spot was cloth. Duo fought with it, it was all tangled up, and he pulled until he found that he was holding a turtleneck. Duo heard muffled laughter and a sharp intake of breath. Duo hurried across the room in long strides and hit the light switch.

The living room was flooded with light and Duo felt his mouth open in surprise at the scene in front of him. Trowa was sitting on the sofa, shirtless, with Quatre sitting in his lap, also missing a shirt that was on the sofa next to them. There was only one word for what they had obviously been doing judging from the hickys. Necking.

"Duo!" Quatre squeaked in alarm and fell right off of Trowa's lap and onto the floor. Duo couldn't help it, he laughed. It started in as something he tried to hold onto, but it got away from him and he was laughing so hard that he had to use the wall to support himself. He dropped both Trowa's shirt and his drink and let out his laughter.

Duo couldn't get the look on Quatre's face out of his head. They looked like two teenagers caught by dad in the basement. Quatre stood with nervous laughter and Trowa just sat there smiling in his quiet way.

Duo finally got a hold of himself and picked up the shirt and his drink. He tossed Trowa his shirt and let out a little more of his amusement at this whole situation.

"Sorry Duo, did we wake you?" Quatre asked while pulling on his shirt.

"No, no. Don't stop on my account, I just came down for a midnight snack." Duo smiled gleefully at them. "Please carry on."

Blush rose in Quatre's cheeks and he ran a hand through his hair.

"How ya doing Trowa?" Duo asked, leaning easily against the wall.

"Good, and yourself?" Trowa also proceeded to pull on his shirt.

"A the present, couldn't be better!" Duo chuckled. "But I'll leave ya to it, I still need my beauty sleep." Duo saluted them and turned for the stairs. "See you at breakfast!" Duo called over his shoulder.

Duo trotted up the stairs. He could hear whispering behind him and smiled to himself. He closed his bedroom door but stood just beyond it listening. He head them come upstairs, he could hear them in the hallway, they could barely keep their hands off each other before they reached Quatre's room and the door shut and Duo heard the lock click into place.

Duo grinned devilishly to himself and turned on his bedside lamp. He was still thinking about the look on Quatre's face when he found himself opening the pill bottle by his window. Duo paused, staring at the HGL in his hand. He felt better, and his shivers were gone. Duo popped the pill into the back of his throat and took a drink from the bottle. He put everything away and crawled back into bed. The sheets had cooled down while he'd been gone and felt good against his skin. Duo drifted off quickly.

In the morning, Duo got dressed quickly after a shot shower and opened his door to the smell of bacon wafting up the stairs. Duo descended into the living room and made a beeline for the dinning room. Duo opened the door to find everyone there, just starting with breakfast.

"GOOD MORRNING!" Duo cheered as he bounded into the room and sat down cross-legged in his chair. "No breakfast nook today Quatre?" Duo asked as he was giving a plate by one of the staff.

"I thought it might be nice to have a big breakfast here where we can sit comfortable. The breakfast nook would have been too cramped." Quatre passed Duo a bowl of oatmeal and the butter and brown sugar.

Heero put down the newspaper and took a long sip of coffee while he watched Duo load up on pancakes with bacon and sausage.

"It's good to see you Trowa!" Duo said past a mouthful of syrup and pancake. "Did you just get in last night, or did I miss you at dinner?" Duo asked.

"I came in late, you wouldn't have seen me till this morning had you not ventured out so late." Trowa smiled as he took a bit of his own pancakes.

"You should eat something besides sugar and starch." Heero lectured Duo as he gave him a cup of fruit.

"Yes mom!" Duo laughed, but he took and offered fruit and popped a strawberry and banana piece into his mouth.

"What're we gonna do today Heero?" Duo asked, he showered the fruit onto his pancakes and dribbled more syrup on them.

"I want to make sure the interior lining isn't damaged in the back seat." Heero said as he finished his coffee.

"Alright." Duo shoveled oatmeal into his mouth. "Let me get my shoes!" Duo rushed out of the room, leaving his meal half finished. Quatre shook his head, but he smiled too. Duo seemed really good today. And he had been worried that Trowa's presence might've upset him. He seemed undaunted to the change, and some of his old self was shining through.

Duo came back down the stairs loudly and Heero stood up.

"What time is lunch?" Heero asked as he piled his dishes into a pile to be taken away.

"How about twelve thirty?" Quatre asked.

"Hn." Heero grunted as Duo came back, shoving his bangs out of his face just so they could fall back into place.

"Ready." He followed Heero out with a backwards wave to Quatre and Trowa.

"He seems a lot better than what you described over the phone." Trowa said as he sipped orange juice.

"Yes! He's doing much better." Quatre smiled at Trowa. "He's also hiding a lot less."

Trowa nodded, in his head he counted the days that had gone by since Quatre had first called him about Duo, and the number of days since the doctor. He didn't let Quatre see his small frown, but something seemed off to him. That was an awful short time for a victim to recover so much from.

Duo stood quietly behind Heero, he'd gotten better about moving around so much, it seemed to distract Heero when he wondered about the garage while Heero did a lot of the work. Duo looked down at his arm, a lot of the bruises he'd had were finally fading. Some had turned a weird shade of yellow, but it looked a lot better than it had.

"Pliers." Heero grunted and Duo jumped to the tool bench. There they were, with red rubber handles, Duo picked them up and turned and abruptly dropped them. Duo quickly bent over and picked them up and in one fluid motion passed them into Heero's waiting hand.

Duo went around to the other side of the car to watch. He leaned in across the back seat and watched Heero begin to rip up the floor. They found mold underneath the lining.

"That's where the smell was coming from!" Duo exclaimed as Heero stared harshly at the mold. "You know staring's not gonna make it go away." Duo smiled.

Heero looked up at him and Duo laughed. "Although I could be wrong, with a face like that!"

Heero looked puzzled so Duo made a face back at him, mimicking Heero's stare. Heero relaxed his face into a smirk. Duo smiled again. "What shall we do about the mold?"

"Grab another pair of pliers and start on that side, we're ripping up all of the floor." Heero began to pull. Duo left and searched a toolbox for another pair of pliers. He was riffling through it when he dropped a hammer. Duo reached down to pick it up, he was holding a jar of nuts and bolts in his other hand when he heard them rattling. Duo stood and stared at the jar.

Panic rose in him as Duo saw the jar shaking. He ordered it to stop, but it didn't. Duo slammed it down on the counter and put both his hands firmly on the bench. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes tight. Duo then lifted his hands and stared at them in front of his face. Both his hands began a slight tremble. Duo couldn't even feel it, but they were shaking right there in front of him. Duo's eyes went wide.

Maybe he was getting sick. Maybe he should tell Heero. Duo quickly shoved the thought from his mind that was the last thing he should do. Duo rummaged around till he found another pair of pliers and then went back to help Heero.

He kept his hands busy all afternoon, during lunch, Duo set down his glass suddenly when he saw the water inside rippling. When he got looks from the guys he smiled nervously and muttered. "Bathroom." And left the room quickly.

Duo rushed the stairs and shut his door firmly behind him. He quickly rummaged for a pill. Duo took his HGL to the sink and used the faucet to swallow it. Duo stayed up in his room, watching his hands. After a while or staring at them and then putting them between his legs to stop the movement when he couldn't look at them anymore, he finally saw the shaking slowing.

When Duo finally went back downstairs he had his best Shinigamii mask on and the shaking had stopped. Duo finished his lunch, trying to ignore the looks he was getting from Heero. He was also pretty sure that now Quatre and Trowa were worried and giving him concerned faces too.

"Too much breakfast!" Duo laughed loudly as he sipped his water. No ripples this time. His heart beat eventually returned to normal and he went back out to the garage with Heero.

"What are we using on the mold?" Duo asked as he put on plastic gloves that Heero handed him. "The weather isn't going to help us."

"We're using some solution and heat fans." Heero pulled out a bucket and two spray bottles from a utility closet. He sent Duo to fill the bucket and get two rags from the staff while he searched for some steel wool for them to use.

Duo returned and they each got a rag and a scrap of steel wool. Heero showed Duo the areas he would be covering and then went to the other side of the car. They started scrubbing away the mold. Duo kept trying to shove his bangs out of his face, but it wasn't working. He was sweating hard after only an hour and sat back on his heels, breathing hard.

Heero was suddenly standing next to him with a hat in his hands. Duo looked up and smiled gratefully. He stripped off the gloves ad tucked his bangs up under the cap and set it in place.

"You should rest." Heero grunted.

"Are you going to take a break?" Duo asked. Heero shook his head. "Then I don't need to either. I'm ok!" Duo got back to work with a bit more vigor. Heero watched him for a bit and then went back to scrubbing as well.

Duo stopped again, he'd gotten a lot of the mold off, and he sat down and admired his work. He tossed his rag into the now dirty water and took off his gloves.

"I'm gonna change the water." Duo told Heero and then stood and picked up the bucket. He went outside and dumped the water down the drain near the outside faucet. He rinsed out the bucket and refilled it. He paused before he took it back inside. The cool air felt good on his face.

Duo took off his hat and raised his face to the sky. There was only a slight drizzle today that came and went. It was almost like a mist and Duo ruffled his long bangs.

Duo sighed, back to work. He went to put his hat back on and found it gone from his hand. Duo frowned and looked around. It was at his feel, the bill sticking into a puddle of mud. Duo didn't remember dropping it. He was sure he'd had a good hold on it.

Duo felt his pulse quicken as worry seeped into his stomach and he lifted his hands. Duo felt brief relief as his hands held steady before him, but it was short lived. They began to shake very subtly and then grew to a steady tremor. Duo gasped for air. He grabbed up his hat and knocked it against his leg to get the mud off. He stuffed it in his back pocket and picked up the bucket.

Duo took the fresh water in to Heero and set it down near him.'

"Hey, I think I'm spent for the day." Duo spoke quickly. "Is it ok if I cop out?" Duo stuffed his hands into his pockets.

Heero stood up. "Are you feeling well?" Heero asked, worry coming into his eyes. Duo felt his heart skip.

"Yeah, just tired. I think I'll take a nap." Duo shrugged, trying with all of his being to come off as nonchalant about it.

"Ok. I'll come up for you at dinner." Heero watched as Duo left quickly. He nearly ran from the garage.

Duo's heart pounded as he skirted through the kitchen and dinning room. He dashed up the stairs, not sure if his feet ever actually touched the steps and shut his door tightly behind him. He held up his hands again and watched them shake against his will.

"Please stop!" Duo begged in a whisper. He walked briskly across the room and ripped the cushion off the window seat. He listened in trepidation to the pills shake in their bottle as he tried to open them. Duo tried to reign in his labored breathing, but he was starting to panic.

He finally got the lid off and poured out a pill into his hand. He left the bottle open on the floor and ran to take it. He swallowed and stared at his hands. He felt doubt and shame creep into his face.

_It's only temporary_, Duo told himself. _As soon as I don't need them I'll flush them. I wont even need the rest of the bottle; I was doing so good today_. Duo sat back against the door to the bathroom. _I'll be better soon, almost there._

Duo waited and waited, his hands continued to shake. Duo wanted to scream at them. He was too young to be getting shakes. He shoved his hands between his knees and held them there. He could still feel the tremor coming down his arms and into the bones of his legs.

Duo held on tighter, held on till his hands hurt from the pressure and his knees pleaded with him to stop. Duo took his hands out and let his legs fall limp to the floor. He looked at his hands, waited. It must have been an hour since he took the HGL. Duo waited, color was coming back into his hands and they were going all pins and needles after he had lost feeling in them probably fifteen minutes ago.

He waited. They held still. Duo let out a nervous laugh, slowly got to his knees and stood up. He walked over to the window but as soon as he picked up the bottle he heard the pills start to rattle. Saw his hand start to shake.

"NO!" Duo told himself loudly. He reached in a pulled out another pill. He went back to the bathroom and popped it. He went back and stood in the middle of the room waiting. He watched his hands shaking.

"Please stop. Please stop." Duo realized he was whispering under his breath while he stood there and waited. Duo saw the tremors slow and then pick up again and again, hoping that each time they slowed that they would stop, but each time they picked right back up again.

"Damnit!" Duo yelled. He balled his hands into fists and clenched them there till his nails bit half moons of white into his hands and then blood began to seep between his fingers. Duo felt a spasm in his stomach. He staggered.

"No!" Duo recognized that feeling. He looked around desperately. His eyes caught the pill bottle still on his floor. Maybe another…yes! Another pill!

Duo lunged for the pills as another spasm racked his body. He fell to his knees, hard. He felt the bone ache and knew he'd have bruises, but he kept going for the pills. Duo screamed as he got hold of the bottle and the pills scattered in his hands that were now shaking violently. His body protested and sent pain through him again.

Heero had heard the thud from upstairs, he'd frozen, worry and anxiety overcoming him. Then Duo had screamed. Heero didn't pause, he ran for the stairs. He took them three at a time and heard Quatre call out behind him. But that didn't matter; he had to get to Duo. He found Duo's door locked and shoved it till the wood splintered and the lock gave.

Trowa was behind him when Heero stepped in and found Duo on the ground. Heero's heart clenched hard in his chest at the sight. Duo was curled into a ball on the floor. His hands were pulling at his hair, tearing out bloodied clumps as his body jerked in seizures. His legs twitched violently and he was covered in sweat.

Heero was at his side before he'd realized that he'd moved. He grabbed Duo's hands and fought to get them out of his hair before he hurt himself more. Duo grasped at his arms and dug in his nails. Heero grimaced but let Duo hang onto him.

"Heero." Towa said. Heero tore his gaze away from Duo's face, pain filled and eyes shut tight, and found Trowa kneeling next to him, holding something small and white in his hand. Heero looked at the floor and found small pills scattered across the carpet and an empty bottle, cracked, and open next to Duo.

Duo screamed and Heero called his attention back to Duo. His eyes opened wildly, looking around, not seeing him at all.

"Duo!" Heero commanded his attention. Duo's violet eyes snapped back at him.

"Another!" Duo said hoarsely to him.

"What?" Heero asked.

"Another pill! I need another pill!" Duo yelled at him. His nails ground harder into his arms.

"No Duo!" Heero held onto him tightly as another spasm rode him and pain made him close his eyes again. Duo screamed, his throat raw and ragged so that it came out sounding more like an animal than any sound a human should make.

"Please Heero!" Duo begged. "Make it stop Heero!" Duo held onto Heero like he was the last solid thing in the world, and maybe for Duo he was.

"Hold on Duo!" Heero ordered him. Trowa was gone, he'd left the room, Quatre stood at the door with a cell phone pressed to his ear and tears flowing down his face.

Trowa returned as Duo screamed again. His heart felt like it was being squeezed by a giant vice, he gasped for air trying to get his lungs to work.

"Hold him still as you can." Trowa told Heero. Heero shifted so that he was hold Duo almost completely in his lap and strove to keep him still.

Duo's body shivered and convulsed as he held onto Heero, his eyes were going dark; it was a battle just to keep them open.

"Duo!" Heero called him back again. Duo opened his eyes forcibly and stared up at him.

Trowa had a stethoscope and Duo couldn't help but wonder where it had come from. His mind jumping about, never staying on one thought more than a few seconds. He was reeling, he felt his stomach pulsate in time with his heart, knew a moment before it happened that he was going to puke.

Heero still held onto him, ignoring everything else that was going on. Duo's eyes became bloodshot, vessels bursting. Bruises appeared under his skin on his arms.

"His hearts beating too fast for this!" Trowa looked calm, but his eyes darted around in anger and worry. "His body's being torn apart form the inside out!"

"An ambulance is coming!" Quatre said from the door.

"Hang on Duo." Heero's voice reached Duo as he coughed violently, blood spattering his lips. "Duo, look at me!" Heero ordered.

Duo tried to focus on Heero's face. "I just-" Duo began coughing again.

"Don't." Heero told him as Duo's body shook.

"I just wanted to get better!" Duo cried, his tears coming out tinged in red.

Heero looked up franticly at Trowa and Quatre, pleading with his eyes, but they had no answers for him. Emotion took over his face and Heero couldn't hold onto his calm anymore.

"DUO!" He yelled as Duo's eyes fluttered again. Another violent spasm made Heero fear that Duo's muscles would rip apart, he could feel them jumping below his skin. "Duo, look at me!"

"Heero, I…" Duo felt himself sinking, he didn't even feel the spasms anymore.

"DUO!" Heero screamed for him, but Duo couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

I thought since I left you at a bad place last time that I would forgo _Locked_ _Doors_ this time so I could bring you chapter 11 of _Scars_. So here it is.

Scars

Part eleven: Facing the Music

Duo felt pain washing over his body, wave after wave, again and again. He wanted it to stop, begged for it to stop. But he couldn't hear his voice screaming like he wanted to. His stomach clenched and unclenched and Duo was sure he would die of suffocation from pukeing so much. He couldn't catch his breath between heaves.

Duo couldn't open his eyes, they stayed shut and he wasn't really sure where he was anymore. The last thing he remembered was Heero screaming at him. Duo prayed to any God that would listen that he would never again pop a pill that wasn't prescribed by a doctor if only he could get one good breath. Duo felt someone opening his mouth, forcing fingers over his tongue and shoving something into his mouth.

Duo's gag reflex was fighting whatever was being forced into his mouth, but gave out after it pushed past. Duo felt the intrusion sliding down his throat and into his stomach. The sensation was almost worse than shattered bone, which Duo had experienced before. His body felt as if it were being turned inside out. Duo screamed, but the thing down his throat swallowed that too as it ate away at his body.

A black abyss tinged the edge of Duo's vision and Duo welcomed it, he recognized the darkness that would end this all.

"Duo!" Duo jerked at the words and his body reacted again. Duo fought the pain to hear that voice again. "Duo! Stop fighting it!"

Duo wasn't sure what the voice was talking about, but he wanted to trust the voice. It was warm and familiar, commanding. Duo knew that this voice spoke only truths to him and that he would do whatever he could to obey it. This voice was protection.

"Duo, you have to relax, your muscles are still making this nearly impossible." The voice explained to him. Mak_ing what impossible_, Duo thought. But he still tried to do what the voice said. He strained for control over the fits that wrought his body to decimation. He searched inside for the switch he knew was there, the trigger that would turn off his mind and let the pain take over. Duo concentrated, feeling as if he were drowning, burning up inside.

"Duo, It's ok, I've got you! Safe!" That was all it took, that one word from that one voice and suddenly it was as if Duo knew it was all right to surrender completely. Duo's mind shut down as the darkness that had been pressing in on the edges advanced in a tidal wave. Even though, somewhere he'd known all along that he wasn't in the war anymore, that he needn't have fought like that, Heero's voice telling him that he was safe where he was had prompted his final submission.

"Duo, can you hear me?" Duo was floating, but there was a promise of pain pressing against the back of his eyes that warned him to stay where he was. But Heero's voice forced him out of that quiet place where nothing hurt, into a world of pain.

Duo felt pain everywhere; there wasn't a spot on his body that was safe. Inside and out he burned so that he was sure he was being cooked alive, and yet terrible shivers took motor controls out of his hands.

"Duo? You need to answer so I know you can hear me." Heero's voice was so calm and cool; Duo held onto the sound tightly, as if he could take that quality into himself and stop the pain.

Duo opened his mouth to talk and breathed in fresh air, his throat was dry and hurt, he could feel the build up of blood and vomit at the back of his throat. He needed to cough it up, but first he wanted Heero to know that he could hear him.

Duo managed to say Heero's name, but it didn't sound like what he'd meant to say. Duo heard his voice crack and a hard wheeze rattle his lungs. He tried again, but couldn't get past that build up. His throat ached and burned with each breath.

Duo felt hands on him, strong hands that took control and let him submit to the pain. He felt rough, coarse hands on his face and then he breathed in, not cool air, but heavy air that only hurt more. Duo realized he'd been wearing an oxygen mask. He felt something cold on his lips that melted almost instantly. It was hard to differentiate between hot and cold, but Duo recognized the ice chip on his lips. He greedily opened his mouth as much as he dared and felt one placed on his tongue.

He let the little bit of water slide down his throat, but the moment it tickled his uvula Duo began to choke. He began to cough, and then couldn't breathe. Duo felt two pairs of strong arms lift him up so that he was sitting. He hadn't known that he'd been lying down, but the change of positions helped. Duo took in a large breath of air and tried to hold onto his stomach as he coughed again. He felt his face hit something hard and as he finally opened his eyes he saw a basin before him.

Through tears, Duo watched as the clot from the back of his throat came up and landed almost neatly in the basin. Duo took heavy breaths and the mask was put back on his face.

"We're going to lay you back down now, ok?" Duo nodded, he recognized Trowa's voice. Heero and Trowa lowered him back down onto the pillow. Heero put aside the basin he'd held for Duo, and turned back to him.

"Better?" Duo nodded again. A throbbing headache was smashing around in his brain, but he hadn't liked that coagulation growing back there. He concentrated on breathing and closed his eyes again.

The sound of a door opening made Duo open his eyes again, the lights were dim and the room was a lot darker. Duo was surprised to realize that he'd been asleep. He saw Heero sitting near by in what almost looked like a comfortable chair. There was a folded blanket next to him and a small pillow. Like the ones found on planes or ships meant for public travel. He sat there with his head tipped forward and his hair spilled into his face in messy clumps. He was asleep.

The door opening was a nurse. She wore blue scrubs with mini storm clouds dancing across them. She gave Duo a small smile and walked over to check his IV's. Duo realized he looked like a pincushion. He had several IV's, one for liquid nutrients, one that appeared to be pain medication, two that were vitamin boosters, and one that he couldn't identify. That scared him most, but he knew Heero wouldn't let them stick him with something dangerous, so he squashed that fear and watched as she moved to a tube that had no bag. Duo was shocked to find that the tube led to another needle in him that had just been resting there. She hooked him up to a bag of…Blood!

Duo protested at that point. He made as much noise as he could, trying to make coherent words come out of his mouth. He tried to ask why he was being pumped full of blood but couldn't quite get his tongue wet enough to form the words.

Heero jerked awake at the sound of Duo's voice and found a woman standing over him, holding down his arms as Duo protested as best he could. Heero reacted without thinking and almost grabbed the woman in a headlock. But it was at that moment that Quatre came into the room with a small tray of food. He saw Heero on hair trigger instincts, anger blazing in his eyes. He saw the nurse holding down Duo, who was near flailing and ripping out the needles in his arms and body.

"What's going on here?" Quatre raised his voice so that all three people froze and looked at him. Heero seemed to come back to himself and realized where they were; he stood there, still as anything, and became composed. The nurse let go of Duo as he relaxed and lay back, quietly waiting for an explanation, but not liking it. Quatre was glad to see the anger in Duo's face. He knew that his fellow pilot had never been taken with hospitals, that he'd rather suture himself than be taken to an emergency room. Duo's anger was understandable, but it was better than just watching him lay still, breathing shallowly, and his body fighting to stay alive, hour after hour.

"Mr. Winner, I thought Mr. Maxwell was having another fit, he might've forced the needles out." The nurse explained.

"I think he just woke and was confused as to what you were doing. We'll take it from here." Quatre moved to stand between her and Heero. "We'll press the call button if we need anything."

The nurse nodded and left, though she didn't like it. Quatre's shoulder relaxed as she left and he felt Heero let go of his tension as well. Duo stared at them both, with anger and expectation. Heero moved to his side quickly and picked up a fresh cup of ice chips that Quatre had brought on the tray. There was also food for Heero and Duo watched quietly as he finally realized that Heero hadn't woken until he'd made some noise. For him not to have woken when the nurse first came him meant that he'd been dead asleep. Duo wondered what had happened since he'd been out and how long he'd been unconscious exactly.

Heero removed his mask again and placed some ice chips on his mouth. Duo didn't like being hand fed, but he accepted it from Heero. If Heero didn't offer the cup for Duo to fed himself then it probably meant that he wasn't well enough. And he was so dry his throat ached.

Once Duo could swallow easier, he tried talking again. "What happened?" He managed to whisper.

"The ambulance brought you here, to the hospital in town, do you remember what happened before that?" Heero asked.

Duo nodded, heat washing over him, he felt shame flood him, it tasted of the bile still in his mouth.

"They had to pump your stomach and start a blood transfusion." Heero explained. _So that's why I'm hooked up to all this shit_. Duo nodded.

"What day?" He asked, unsure of how much time had passed.

"You've been hospitalized for four days now. You've woken up about three times." Heero replied. So that was why the nurse had gotten in undetected. Heero must have been awake most of that time for him to just collapse like that. Duo didn't like it, it meant that he'd probably been in critical condition, and he didn't even remember waking up a third time.

"I'm going to go and find Trowa." Quatre suddenly said, Duo's eyes went wide as he watched him leave none to subtly.

An awkward silence filled the room that made Duo wish he could just pass out again.

"Duo?" Heero finally asked.

"Hm?" Duo didn't look up, from the sound of Heero's voice; he already knew he didn't want to see the look on his face, the face of someone he wanted so much. That is…he wanted respect from Heero, respect!

"Those pills…" Heero left it hanging in the air, not quite a question, but not quite a statement.

"HGL's." Duo replied, reluctant to tell Heero what the acronym stood for. "Black Market Anti-Depressant."

"What?" Heero asked, and Duo did look up at that.

"What did you think it was Heero?" Duo suddenly found anger, ready and bubbling under the surface. He felt something inside him straining to break. Or maybe he was on the verge of another fit again. Whatever it was, he didn't care, he sat guilt in Heero and he hated it. "You thought I was just getting high, you thought I'd gone looking for a way to get kicks and escape myself, didn't you!"

"You were in a constant state of self loathing, it is only natural that I would assume you would-"

"What?" Duo cut him off, "That I would go out looking for any drug that would get me high enough that I could forget that I'm a monstrosity of scar tissue that most surgeons strain to look at?" Duo wanted to really hit Heero right then.

"Did you think I just dove into that half-life I was living! The first thing I did as soon as I could walk out of that hospital was go visit every plastic surgeon I could find! I'm too skinny; they can't take the flesh from somewhere else on my body. Some suggested Cadavers, some showed me the results from lasers, one guy wanted to take my scars and connect them into some gruesome work of art!" Duo felt all his fears coming back. He remembered all to well his journey from waiting room to waiting room.

How he'd tried to hide all he could as children stared at him over the backs of chairs. How mother's pulled the kids away if they tried to talk to him, or even if he just gave them a small smile back. How the doctors had stared for hours at his exposed body, thinking so hard that they couldn't hear him. They saw a challenge in him, something they could accomplish and be remembered for. Not only was he nearly scared beyond recognition in some places, but also, he was a war hero.

The recognition he could have earned for some of those men and women would have had them set for life, they eagerly called specialists and fellow doctors, nearly fighting over him. Duo shuddered, but he wouldn't let Heero see how it had affected him.

"Believe it or not, I want to be better. I don't delight in my depression, and I want to be comfortable with how I looked. I never even really thought about it before, except for my hair I really didn't walk around looking at myself in any reflective surface I could find. But now I cant even stand to see myself reflected back in a Goddamned spoon!"

"I'm sorry Duo." Heero looked shell shocked. Duo found himself dizzy from yelling. He sat back hard and closed his eyes. He tried not to let go of Heero's voice; he wanted to stay awake this time.

"It was wrong of me to assume anything about you."

"Damn right!" Duo grunted through clenched teeth.

"I wont presume to know what you are thinking or feeling anymore."

"You better not!" Duo felt a little better; maybe he and Heero could start over.

"I'll go now."

"Huh?" Duo opened his eyes in disbelief, good feeling gone.

Heero was headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Duo didn't like the way his voice cracked, but his voice wouldn't go up to that octave without giving out.

"I'm leaving, Quatre will monitor you now. I can see that I have been of no help. It was wrong of me to assume that I could simply take you out of one environment and put you in another and expect you to thrive." Duo felt the coldness and distance in his voice. He was talking about Duo like he was some endangered species that someone was trying to save.

Duo was flabbergasted and Heero got to the door before he found his voice again.

"I don't want you to go!" Duo instantly wished he could reach out into the air and take his words back. He cringed as Heero stopped with his hand on the door. He'd let it slip and now Heero deffinantly wouldn't stay. He felt helpless as he looked away in shame; he hadn't meant to ever say those words out loud. Heero was straight and…well…he'd just never meant to say anything even remotely hinting at such a thing.

"Why?"

Duo looked up, Heero had turned around a was staring at him with those Cobalt blue eyes that cut through everything Duo said or did. Duo couldn't speak, but this time it wasn't because of his condition. He wasn't sure what to say, it was too late to try and pretend he'd never said anything. It was too late to turn his words into something else; he'd said them too loudly and too clearly. All he could do was charge on, whatever the out come.

"Because, it's better when you're there." Duo mumbled, but Heero heard him, Duo knew he would. "Pills aside, I'm better when you're there, I'm…like I was."

Duo couldn't hear anything past the blood rushing past his ears, but he pressed on. "I…I always…liked you." Duo knew that rationally he couldn't die from a confession like this, but at that point, the irrational part of his mind was doing all the talking. "I know you're straight, and I don't really expect you to…like me back. But as long as you're my friend, I think I can get better. Really get better." Duo slammed himself for ever thinking there was a short cut out of depression. He'd been a fool to think the pills would've solved all his problems. He cursed over and over again the night he'd ordered the pills.

Duo waited for the sound of the door slamming and Heero's footsteps leading away, but he finally let go of the breath he'd been holding and looked up to find Heero still there.

"Why did you assume I was straight?" The question was so random, came out of nowhere that Duo balked and stuttered. That had not been the answer he'd been expecting. Maybe once or twice he'd allowed himself to fantasize that maybe Heero might give such an answer. But no part of him had actually believed that it might ever happen.

"You accuse me of not knowing you, of assuming things, yet you do the same." Heero stood there, eyes narrowed at him. Duo felt his face go bright red, and the force of it made him reel.

"I'm…I mean, I…that is…" Duo stumbled over his words.

"Quite hypocritical of you, don't you think?" Heero's face suddenly broke into a sly smile; it was an exact mirror of that smile that Duo had stolen from Quatre's dark room. Duo stared at him, and then his face broke into a smile that mocked Shinigamii.

"You Asshole!" Duo yelled at him, happiness flooding through him. He started laughing and held onto his side in pain as he fell back onto the hospital bed.

"Duo?" Heero asked as he hurried over to him, concern openly displayed on his face. It made Duo laugh even harder.

"Damn you, now you've done it!" Duo said between gasps for air. "The pills were nothing compared to this, fuck the black market, you're the one who's going to kill me!"

Heero somehow understood. Duo had to laugh. It didn't matter what emotion was going through him, relief, happiness, sadness, guilt, anger, he laughed instead.

Heero reached out and grabbed his hand, Duo held on tight as his laughter rode him and finally he did stop and his pain receded again. Duo still held onto Heero's hand. He looked up at Heero sleepily.

"It's gonna get worse from here on out you know?" Duo asked.

"I know." Heero nodded as he pulled up his chair to sit down.

"Are you going to leave?" Duo asked.

"No." Heero shook his head.

"Good." Duo allowed himself to fall asleep.

Heero watched him, fighting his own fatigue; Duo was sleeping calmly now, but that wouldn't last. But he was going to help Duo this time, he wasn't just going to sit back and try and let Duo heal on his own, Duo needed him. It was the best feeling he'd ever known. He'd never dreamed that Duo might feel even a fraction of what he felt, what he'd felt now for a while. He'd been ready after the war, had been waiting for the right time to approach Duo, and then he'd lost him.

Heero resigned now, that he'd never let Duo go again, not like that. Not ever.

Quatre came back to the room with Trowa while later, the yelling had stopped and Heero hadn't come out. Quatre opened the door cautiously and looked in. Heero was leaning back in his chair and Duo was sleeping quietly, but their hands were clasped tightly on Duo's bed.

Quatre's heart soared as he backed out and smiled at Trowa. He'd seen the longing in both of them, seen it ever since the last years of the war. They'd finally found it in each other.

"What comes next is going to be a battle for both of them." Trowa said quietly as Quatre sat them down on a cushioned bench just outside Duo's door.

"For all of us." Quatre agreed as he leaned against Trowa's shoulder, exhausted. "But I think we can handle it."

"I don't know, we're Gundam Pilots, this is a different kind of battle field." Trowa rested his hand on Quatre's thigh.

"I think Heero and Duo can pull each other through this. We'll just give them a little support along the way." Quatre's eyes dropped as he began to slumber lightly. Trowa nodded and leaned back against the hospital wall. He wondered though, he'd seen people go through withdrawal before, it could get pretty bad, and always got worse before it got better.

Duo listened, eyes downcast, not looking at anyone as the Doctor explained things to them. Heero stood to his right side; a solid wall of will and what Duo hoped was support. Quatre and Trowa stood on his other side and listened intently, good friends till the end.

Duo didn't need to be told that the pills had been eating away at his insides, his stomach walls, his intestines, his liver, his heart, and his lungs. He didn't need to know that his blood had been thinned a great deal or that his muscles were suffering from random spasms that didn't seem to have a cause. He'd known all along, he'd been denying it anyway that he could, looking the other way, explaining it away in his mind. But he'd known.

Duo listened to the Doctor and tried to forget his desperation to try and believe that on some level the drug had worked. He knew the feelings of brief happiness that he had felt had been superficial, it'd been a side effect of the drug, a stimulant to the brain that disguised what he'd felt later. That the pills had been killing him slowly and painfully and additive properties had kept him taking them even when a part of him had known that he should stop. He'd made any excuse he could to himself to justify taking that next pill; to satisfy that need inside him.

"The withdrawal from this substance will take toll on your mind and body. I cannot predict any symptoms you will experience, or how long it will take. You may never stop, this may be a life long fight." The doctor told them, a sigh heavy in his voice, but he didn't let it go. "I can give you some recommendations for some clinics and some number for councilors and programs that might help."

"Have you had anyone else come in that's addicted?" Duo spoke up for the first time since the doctor had come in.

"Two others, and I expect more." The doctor confirmed his suspicion. "I've also been hearing of other cases in cities south of us. It will cross the border soon."

Duo cringed. He could see Melinda speeding along the highway in her bright red car. He'd helped her spread it. Bought from her, she now had money to leave town and sell to more people. She'd disappear in a big city and the cops would never find her. Duo blamed himself, if he'd only turned her in that night, it he'd just given it up then.

Duo felt Heero's hand on his shoulder, the heavy weight was comforting. Duo looked up, he saw forgiveness in those eyes. Heero didn't want him to blame himself. Duo felt even worse. He fought with his stomach for control as the doctor gave Quatre some information and left.

"Shit." Duo cursed.

"It's not your fault." Quatre tried to assure him.

"Oh yes it is." Duo snapped. "We all know it is."

No one said anything. Duo chastised his actions. He tried to think of some way to stop it, but even if he could find Melinda, there was always another seller. Dealers in numbers that no one could ever possibly hope to stop.

"I'm going to go and check on when we can take you home." Quatre said quietly. Trowa followed him out like a living shadow.

Duo had almost forgotten where he was. He rubbed his upper arm, wishing he could rip out all the IV's and jump out the window. He smiled at the memory that brought up. He really did want out of the hospital. It was a constant buzzing in his mind that wouldn't go away. He had to concentrate to force himself to stay put.

"What are you going to do?" Heero broke him out of his daze.

"Huh? Oh, I can't do anything, really." Duo sighed.

"I could make some calls, see if we can't stop it before it gets to big." Heero offered.

"Ok." Duo accepted the offer for what it was, a way out. A way for him not to feel guilty. If it was out of his hands and the responsibly was on someone else's hands then he wouldn't have to worry about it and he could just concentrate or getting through the withdrawal.

"You should sleep." Duo told Heero. "Or eat something." Duo was worried that Heero was neglecting himself while he stayed at his side.

"Ok, I'll get some food." He gave Duo a smile that told him he knew exactly what was on Duo's mind and appreciated the thought.

Duo smiled as Heero left and wanted to run down the halls of the hospital with the back of his gown flapping open telling everybody he saw 'He likes me! He likes me back!'. Duo sunk back into his pillow and closed his eyes. He let sleep take him away and drifted in that wonderful feeling.

Duo was going to be released in two days, he was stable, but some tests were still needed for him to be approved. Duo was feeling as antsy as ever. The withdrawal hadn't set in yet and that had everybody worried. Heero kept watching him whenever he thought Duo didn't see him, and Quatre was incessant with his questions about how Duo was feeling. The relentless worry that surrounded him was driving Duo to madness.

He sat and fidgeted or channel surfed, but that pissed everybody off; they'd start to get into a program and Duo would change the channel again. Duo would hum or whistle and people coming in would join him for a few bars, but they always left quickly. Duo tried to read a little, but couldn't keep his mind on the story. They only thing that helped was talking to Heero. But Heero had to leave for food or sometimes he'd get a call that the hospital wouldn't let him answer inside the building and it was one such call that desolated everything.

Heero came back after taking a call, he'd been gone a good half an hour and Duo was trying to hand onto the question he'd been about to ask Heero. He liked talking. They were getting to know each other all over again. Duo was leaning things about Heero that made it feel like they were growing closer.

Duo wanted more, but he'd decided to take this slow, he just wished that he wasn't in this hospital. He looked up as the door opened and Heero came back. Duo gave him a big smile, but when Heero didn't respond, he faltered.

Quatre and Trowa came in shortly after, both looking as somber as Heero. Quatre wouldn't look at him at all and Duo felt a growing pain in the pit of his stomach.

"What's up guys?" He asked, smiling his way through yet another tense situation.

Heero looked down at him and took a breath before he admitted what he didn't want to be true.

"Duo, we just got a call from Wu Fei."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

All right! Summer is here! Yaye, more writing time! Here's hoping that my job and the big move don't intervene too much!

I would have had this up sooner, but the site wouldn't let me! Sorz! Oh, and I'm moving soon, so bare with me and then I'll get back to writing! Promise!

Scars

Part twelve: Fighting and Losing

"What happened to Wu-Fei!" Duo demanded as he felt his stomach clench and his pulse speed up. He wasn't the only one who noticed, the heart monitor he was still attached to was beeping loudly and faster than it had been.

"No, Wu-Fei is ok, nothings happened to him!" Heero quickly told Duo, worried as Duo's pallor had changed to a sick pale color.

"Oh Jeeze! Don't scare me like that!" Duo fell back against his pillows and breathed heavily. He felt stretched out suddenly, exhausted. "Well, what'd he call about then that's got all of you looking so worried?"

"Duo," Heero looked ashamed and that made Duo sit up again and watch more closely as they all avoided his gaze. "The thing is…"

"Oh, spit it out!" Duo hid his eyes with his bangs and stared determinedly down at his sheets.

"Wu-Fei is working on a case for the government, something about a group of people developing weapons." Duo looked up and meet Heero's eyes, he saw it coming but the next words hit him like a pillowcase of bricks. "He's asked that Trowa and I go and help him put a stop to this group."

Duo sat there in silence, his gaze fell from Heero to the wall in front of him, there was a chair sitting against that wall. Heero pulled it up to his bed and talked to him when he visited. Quatre sat there sometimes and played games with him, or Trowa sat there and asked him questions, odd questions that Duo wasn't sure had any point at all, but he still liked the visits.

"The group is calling themselves Scrap." Heero was talking, but Duo only heard half of what he was saying. Heero was leaving, he wouldn't be there when Duo was released from the hospital, he wouldn't be there when the doctors started to show up, he wouldn't be there when Duo started going through withdrawal…

"Quatre will act in my place as a-"

"Yeah, ok, I get it." Duo interrupted and looked up at Heero with a big grin on his face. "Don't worry, just go and do what you gotta do. Wu-Fei's gotta be in a lot of trouble to be asking for you two!" Duo laughed. "He knows what he'd doing. He was always good at this sortta thing."

"Duo, I'm sorry, if it weren't-" Heero started.

"Dude, Heero, it's ok!" Duo let his smile fade a little, let it show that he knew what was going on and wasn't really comatose like everyone seemed to think. "You need to stop, what was it, Scrap…wow, how old are these guys? Twelve, thirteen? You're gonna be fighting kids!" Duo laughed.

"Yeah, well…"Heero looked sheepish.

"Right, be careful anyway, kids can be just as bad as adults with guns!" Duo smirked, remembering things from L2 that made him respect Wu-Fei's seriousness over the situation, "Just stop them before they kill anyone."

"I'm sorry Duo." Heero closed his eyes briefly, as if he couldn't stand what was racing through his head just then.

"We're all sorry Heero, you just happen to have a better excuse than most." Even to his own ears it sounded bitter. But Heero knew, he knew that what Duo really wanted was to be able to go with them, to participate instead of having to wait behind. To wait behind and go through his own personal hell instead of fighting through someone else's, which was always easier. "Just go and…and finish it." Duo sighed, there was no way to get around this. He was going into this battle alone.

"Duo-" Heero took a step towards the bed, but Quatre took his arm from behind, he stepped forward and shook his head no. Heero started to walk towards the door, but Duo's voice stopped him dead.

"You have a job, don't you." Heero didn't turn around right away; he'd known this conversation would come up eventually. "You have a job that you either quit or took time off of when you found me online that night."

Heero looked around at Duo, he didn't nod, but he didn't deny it either. "Shit." Duo cursed, his hands curling into tight balls that gripped the sheet with a ferocity that didn't match his condition.

"Who said you could do that! Who said you could quit your life just because I resurfaced?" Duo demanded, he hated it when he was the cause of such things, he wasn't worth those kinds of sacrifices.

"I did." Heero's voice hit him hard; he looked back into Heero's eyes. "It is my life and I am the one who says weather I quite or not." Heero stood with his wide shoulders set back and his face immobile. But his eyes shone with something Duo loved. "I would've done anything at that point to get away to that small beach and find you."

"But now you have to go back Heero." Duo smiled sadly.

"Yes." Heero seemed almost defeated, but he stood stock-still. "But I'll be back."

"You promised not to leave in the first place." Duo snapped. Heero's face fell at that, his shoulders sagged and he looked lost.

"But I-" Heero started, desperation showing on his face.

"So." Duo stopped him, "No more making promises you can't keep. Ok?" Duo asked.

Heero looked as if he was about to say something else, but then he nodded, and that light came back to his eyes. "Ok."

"Good, now get going before Wu-Fei has kittens." Duo smiled, he could do this, Heero would be back, he just had to hold out for a little while without him. "But if Wu-Fei does, be sure to bring me back one! A fluffy one!" Duo called after Heero. A smile split the seriousness of Heero's face.

"I will, love you."

Duo would've fallen out of the bed if there hadn't been bars on both sides. He knew the smile that suddenly filled his face was giddy and he probably looked stupid, but there was no way he could've controlled it at this time.

"Love you!" Duo soared, something in him ready to burst. And then they were gone and Duo was left with Quatre.

"He loves me." Duo said and laughed at the sound of his own giddiness.

"I know." Quatre smiled back, he hugged Duo fiercely. Duo hugged him back and allowed himself that moment of self-satisfaction. Heero loved him!

Heero left after that with Trowa in a helicopter that landed at Quatre's mansion and was flown out quickly. Duo could hear the blades cutting into the air from his room. The injustice bit at him, he was getting out of this stupid white room tomorrow, Heero was supposed to be there, but Wu-Fei couldn't do anything alone, apparently he couldn't even take down a group of kids without Trowa or Heero!

Duo stopped, he looked around. He was alone in the room, the TV was off, Quatre had gone to talk to someone, and now Duo couldn't remember who. Why was he so angry, a few minutes ago he'd been happy as a lark, imagining a time when he'd be better and when he could leave Quatre's house and maybe get his own place, maybe even a house where he could live with Heero.

What had set him off, he'd been so angry suddenly, angry enough to break something or even run form the room, leaving all his IV's behind.

Duo took deep breaths and tried to remember what he'd been thinking right before he'd had that inner outburst. He'd been hearing Heero's helicopter leaving, leaving him behind.

"Shit, don't tell me I'm that pathetic!" Duo was mumbling to himself when Quatre came back.

"Well, we have to wait for tomorrow, they want to keep you for one more observation of how you're sleeping." Quatre sat in the chair and put his hands together in his lap. "I couldn't talk them out of it, they seem really interested in how you're sleeping lately."

"I don't see why, it's not like I have nightmares or apnea." Duo shrugged, he felt twitchy again, he wanted to get up and out of here, it was driving him crazy. He hated hospitals.

"Maybe that's it, you were having nightmares before, and even up at the house, we all have them." Quatre admitted, referring of course to all the Gundam Pilots.

"Everyone who was in the war has had them! War kind of does that to you." Duo laughed harshly. "Maybe I'm just too tired lately to remember my dreams."

"Well, who knows, but they can't keep us any longer than tomorrow if nothing happens tonight. So I'll call ahead and make sure everything is cleaned up." Quatre pulled out his phone. "I'll be right back." And he left.

Duo barely noticed him leaving. He was thinking, when he'd started taking the pills the nightmares had receded. Was he even achieving REM sleep anymore? Wouldn't the doctors have told him? And if he weren't wouldn't it have affected him long before now. But the seed of doubt was planted and he couldn't help but dote on it.

Duo laid down as a sharp pain hit him in the side. He got those every once and a while. He'd just lain down and they went away, like this one was doing now. They worried him too, but less than the questions of whither he was still dreaming or not.

The night passed without incident and Duo was thankful. He really wanted to leave. So much so that when one of the nurses did rounds at about five, he convinced her to stay long enough to help him dress. He thanked her and sat up waiting for the doctor and Quatre. He waited for three hours before the doctor came in and did a final examination. He took read outs from a machine they had hooked Duo up to before he fell asleep and explained that they needed to be sent to a lab before he could be released. Duo had rolled his eyes but sat back and pulled out a small pad of paper he had gotten from one of the nurses and stated doodling.

Quatre came about a half an hour later and was surprised to find Duo lounging on the hospital bed, fully clothed.

"Have they already given you the release papers?" Quatre demanded.

"No." Duo said absently, "I just didn't want to wait around all day for them in that stupid gown."

"Oh." Quatre pulled up his chair. "I brought you something, a sort of welcome home present. I mean, it's not really a big welcome home, but I figured the situation…and, well, here." Quatre fumbled about with his words before handing Duo a small box.

Duo raised an eyebrow as he took it and opened the small box to reveal a small pad with buttons on either side. "What is it?"

"It's a Rank. They're going to be released next season for people, ages 16 and up." Quatre smiled sheepishly. "It's like one of those game counsels, but it does a lot more. New technology."

"Right on!" Duo exclaimed as he sat up straighter. "Thanks Quate!" Duo turned it on and began pushing buttons, exploring the system. "Hmm, not quite what I'm used to in security, but I can fix that!"

Quatre smiled, he'd thought Duo would like it, and would especially like to tinker with it, more than anything. The doctors had suggested giving Duo a project to concentrate on, keep him grounded. And there was nothing more that Duo liked than technology. Well, maybe Heero, but if he couldn't give Duo one, he'd go with the other.

When the doctor finally came back with the release forms, Duo was distracted thoroughly. Quatre took care of signing and then pulled Duo away from the Rank long enough to get him to sign the last one.

"Oh, I get to leave now?" Duo didn't remember how much time had passed, he was having too much fun going through all the Ranks systems.

"Yes, I have a car waiting outside, just sign here and we can get out of this hospital." Quatre smiled at him.

"Good." Duo took the pen and scrawled his name across the black line.

"Thank you, please call if-"

"Yeah, yeah! We'll be sure to keep in touch!" Duo interrupted, he stood up quickly as he could without pain shooting through his stomach and let Quatre take hold of his arm and guide him through the hallways. Duo didn't remember any of the rest of the hospital, all he'd seen in his time there had been the one room. He tried not to stare at the other patients, they all watched him with longing in their eyes, he knew they wished it was them getting out, he'd wished it himself whenever someone passed his room.

He hated hospitals, the smell was even now making him uneasy, but the doors were in sight now, and Duo was determined to make it out! He picked up his pace a little, ignoring the small sound Quatre made in protest. He walked out into the parking lot and fresh, cool air hit him. Duo breathed it in and shut his eyes.

The air was till heavy with the rain that came everyday. Duo bet that it never left the air, that living here might be what living underwater would be like, if you could breathe underwater that is. Duo opened his eyes again and saw the black, sleek car that screamed Quatre, he started for it and then felt Quatre grab him right before the ambulance drove past them.

"I know we didn't grow up like other kids, but I thought everyone learned to look both ways." Quatre scolded him, but he was smiling.

Duo laughed nervously at his close call. "Yeah, one of those common sense situations, huh?" Duo looked this time and then headed for the car. "So, I'm hungry."

"Right. Don't worry, food should be waiting for us at the house, I called a head and faxed your allowed diet to the cook." Quatre opened the door for Duo who climbed in, the Rank in his hand beeping that it was going in to save mode.

"My allowed diet?" Duo asked, dreading those words.

Quatre climbed in after him and closed the door and the car started. "Yes, the doctor said you might not be able to digest some food now, heavy stuff is going to be limited."

"Great," Duo played a little with the Rank, it had one of those tiny pencils for the touch screen, "So I'm going to be eating soup for the rest of my life."

"No, but anything heavy you do have is going to be in small portions, and just not as often as you would normally eat them." Quatre explained, Duo wasn't really listening, but he still didn't want to get Duo down about being 'sick'.

"Yeah, ok. It's alright Quatre, I like soup." Duo smiled and let out a barked laughter as the Rank suddenly made a little noise. Duo looked up and out the window. "Are we there yet, I need to hook this thing up to my laptop, I have an idea!"

Quatre smiled as they started up his driveway, he'd known the Rank would be a good idea as soon as he'd gotten it in the mail. The prototype had inspired him to order another, fully assembled and way ahead of mass production.

"I bet this thing will take my G-photon software!" Duo jumped out of the car as it came to a stop with Quatre hurrying out after him.

"Duo! Not so fast, you just got out of the hospital!" Quatre protested as Duo flung open the doors and dashed through them.

"And I feel fine! Don't sweat it Quat!" Duo rushed up the stairs and into his room. He dug around for an extra cable and then plugged the rank into the port. Duo watched as programmed software downloaded to his laptop and everything suddenly became compatible. "Yes." Duo whispered in triumph.

Duo took to the keyboard with a zealous ferocity. He began to run the program he'd created to set his G-photon software into the grain of whatever he wanted, in this case, his new Rank. Duo smiled at the screen in front of him as the program took over and began to do everything automatically.

That's when the first wave hit him. Duo stopped smiling as a low clench in his stomach made his throat tighten in anticipation. Duo left his desk, the laptop running the software and set on a timer for completion. Duo fell into the bathroom; he was kneeling in front of the sink just as he started to cough. Duo fumbled for the sink and got a cool stream of water running, he waited and waited for the coughing to stop, he had his face leaning over the bowl of the sink and his eyes were shut tight in pain. His throat began to ache and felt like it was going from muscle to raw meat.

Duo gasped for air every chance he got, but the coughing continued, Duo heard Quatre come in with a servant and they helped him stand over the sink. With the sudden change in his posture and less strain on his throat, Duo gave a final cough and could breathe again. He opened his eyes cautiously, tears blurring his vision from the fit. The sink was red; rivulets of saliva and blood were sliding down to the drain. It wasn't a pure red, more a diluted red, and Duo felt sick looking at it.

So it was starting, everything was downhill from here. Duo felt a shameful anger towards Heero again that he wasn't here for him. He was gone, even though he promised. And Heero Yuy was never supposed to break a promise!

Duo cursed himself as he took a wet washcloth form Quatre and wiped his face with cool water. He was being childish. He was a gundam pilot, ex pilot, but he'd been through worse than this. He'd survived a war! So why was this so debilitating? Why did this seem so much more difficult than what he'd down and experienced in the war?

Duo figured it was the drug, the doctors had said that they only way it affected the mind was to make the product more addictive, but what if that wasn't all? Duo hated the thought that he might be subject to something else the drug was supposed to do.

Duo stared at himself in the mirror, sweaty and pale complexion, dark smudges under his eyes, thin and gaunt. He wasn't even standing on his own, he was held up almost completely by Quatre and this man. This drug was beyond dangerous, he had to stop it. Heero probably had started to track Melinda, he'd said he'd make calls, but now he was gone and there was no way to be sure. He might have just completely forgotten about her in the rush, though doubtful.

Heero rarely forgot anything, and this was a big thing. But he was gone now, even if those calls had gone through, who knew when he'd be back to do the follow through. Meanwhile, Melinda was speeding away and to bigger things. Duo cursed himself as he let Quatre lead him to his bed. He thumped down on the pillow.

"Better?" Quatre asked.

"I'll be better when Melinda is behind bars and all her shit is dissolved in acid." Duo put his hand up over his eyes and tried to think past a dull throbbing that was starting in behind his eyes.

"You can't blame yourself for that Duo." Before Duo could protest he went on. "It was wrong of you to turn to black market drugs, and by buying them you did further Melinda's funds to leave town, but what she chooses to do with that money and with her drugs is not your will." Quatre's eyes seemed to go from a gentle blue to something that looked more ice like. "So next time, don't buy drugs."

Duo laughed. He couldn't help it, Quatre was trying so hard to be serious, but the conversation itself was just so laughable. He felt like he should be 13 and grounded. Quatre broke and smiled at him.

"Thanks." Duo stopped laughing and turned away form the harsh light staring down at him from above. "Can I get a lamp instead?" Duo asked.

"Yeah." Quatre moved and turned off the overhead light and turned on the bathroom light instead with the door only half open. "Want some water?" He asked.

"Water would be good." Duo nodded. He sank into the bed, he was too warm to get under the covers, but lying there was so nice. Duo didn't like that he'd just left the hospital and all that laying around just to get home and do the same thing, but now it felt like something big had caught up with him. Now it felt like he needed the rest.

Duo wasn't aware that Quatre had left till he'd come back with a glass of water. Duo sat up and reached out to take the glass, but he stopped mid motion when he saw his hand. The trembling was fine, it was minute, and almost something he hadn't seen at all. But he'd seen it. And he hated it, the shaking scared him, the seizures and coughing fits and pukeing were one thing. All that stopped when he got better, it all went away and would stay away when he was finally all over this. But the shaking was something else, the shaking was questionable.

What if it never when away, and it kept getting worse, what if the shaking got worse and stayed permanently? Duo shuddered and shoved his hand forward to grab the glass that Quatre was still holding. Duo worked on machines, on computers, delicate work, he couldn't afford to have the shakes!

Duo drank the cool water, careful not to swallow too much at once, he didn't like the fact that he was coughing up blood. He didn't want to go through that again either, especially now that his headache was growing steadily. Duo grimaced at the pain as it shot through his brain with a raw force he wouldn't have thought possible inside the human body.

"Shit." Duo cursed, putting his fist to his forehead and trying to think only about breathing and not what this meant for his forthcoming withdrawal.

"What's wrong?" Quatre asked. Duo was just glad that he hadn't asked if he was all right.

"Headache, migraine, lots of pain!" Duo stammered out.

"The doctor said you could take some light pain killers, he gave me a prescription." Quatre explained.

"So why're you holding out on me Quate? Hand them over!" Duo demanded, keeping his eyes closed and holding out his hand for anything that would make this stop.

"I haven't gotten it filled yet, the pharmacist said it would be ready for pick up tomorrow." Quatre explained, pain passing across his face in guilt. "I'm sorry Duo."

"Yeah, you're sorry and I'm experiencing brain surgery without anesthetic." Duo moaned and lay back down, he'd have to suffer through this on his own. And he couldn't even distract himself. Not only was his Rank in the middle of a software download, but he suspected that doing anything would only cause him more pain.

"Duo." Quatre tried.

"Please don't shout." Duo rolled over and shoved his face into his pillow. Quatre wrung his hands in worry; he'd barely spoken above a whisper. Duo was going to have to suffer through the rest of the day and night until he could go and pick up the pills in the morning.

Duo wanted Heero to be there so badly, he kept thinking of him and trying to remember back to those easy conversations they'd had while working on the car. He tried to think about what Heero had told him, to picture in his mind the life he'd described that was Duo free. Duo was hoping that if he thought only of Heero that it might be almost as if he were actually there, sitting beside him while he suffered through this. Maybe the pain would subside to greater thoughts and he might pass mercifully into sleep.

But Duo didn't get any sleep. He thought of Heero and stayed awake the whole night. He'd tried laying still as he possibly could in the hopes that sleep would come to him, but it hadn't worked. He'd counted sheep, but that only made things worse. He'd tried relaxing one part of his body at the time and going into a meditating state, but he'd been unable to quite his mind.

Duo longed for sleep, for unconsciousness like it was another type of pill he could take to make things better, but that analogy made him nauseous. Duo shivered, he felt cold, but he was sweating now. His pillow soaked, and he turned it over only to have that side damp in minutes. He curled up under the blanket, shivered and tried to keep his body heat trapped with him, but it was like all the heat he had was going to his head.

Duo tried putting his head under the blanket, but that only made it hard to breathe. Duo kept trying to get warm, he pulled up the blankets around him and tucked them under his body so that only his head was sticking out, but nothing warmed him. Duo knew he must have a high temperature, he'd been through this before, and he still hated it. The smart thing would be for him to call Quatre or one of the servants that were now being kept there twenty-four hours a day, but Duo didn't.

He hated that Quatre had changed people's hours just for him. He didn't like that things had changed so that he could have help anytime he called for it, that people were waiting for him to break so that they could care for him. Duo didn't need that kind of help, he'd always done things on his own; it was just how things were.

Duo hated that he wanted to call out for someone; he also hated that that someone wasn't here for him to call for. So Duo shut his mouth and shivered till a dim light began to sneak in under his curtains. Duo stirred a little from his comatose staring at his pillow, he'd taken to it sometime a go and had just stared till his mind had gone blank and all he knew was the shivers that wrought his body. There was someone outside, they knocked quietly and then came in, it was one of the men that had helped him last night.

Duo didn't speak, he didn't think his voice would work and he didn't want to hear what might come out of his mouth. He watched as the man moved to him and reached out to touch him, worry was plastered on his face and made Duo wonder what he looked like. He already knew his lips were chapped; he could feel it, but what of his eyes, and his hair, and his skin. Duo knew that the worse he looked the more his scars stood out. Instinctively he ducked under the covers, he didn't want to see the fear he knew would come to the man's eyes.

Duo heard that man leave in a rush, there, he'd scared someone again, someone else disserted him in horror. Duo fisted his hands in the blanket, he wanted to get up and leave, to do something, anything. But his body distinctly told him no to do anything else but think about it.

"So pale and a temperature." Duo heard the voice outside before the man returned with someone.

"Duo?" Quatre. "Duo, can you come out for a second?" Duo felt someone put something heavy on him and poked his head out to look. The man had brought him more blankets, two more very heavy quilts. He hadn't left because of…well, at least he might warm up a bit more now.

"Duo, this is Gill. He's going to be in charge of your food and anything else you need. He's also in charge of anyone else who comes in here, so talk to him if you need something." Quatre put his hand on Duo's forehead. "Fever."

"Yeah, I noticed." Duo rasped out as Quatre took a thermometer from Gill.

Duo let Quatre take his temperature and then shifted a little, he was feeling sleepy now, finally. The quilts had been what had done it.

"Duo, your temperature is up to 102." Quatre sounded worry, but Duo could only muster out a grunt before his eyes began to droop.

The pounding in his head began to ease up as he sank down into the bed, now that he had finally found sleep.

Quatre watched Duo slip away; how he wished Trowa and Heero were here. He instructed Gill to bring in a chair and went to get a laptop from his office. He wouldn't be able to concentrate if he tried to work there. This way, if Duo needed him, he'd be right here. The Rank wasn't going to help now, what Duo needed now was going to be someone to watch him and help him through what was about to come.

"Heero, hurry back." Quatre whispered to the still and stale air of Duo's room as he seated himself next to Duo's bed.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Wow, I never thought the fic would live to be this long! Here we go with another chapter, my hours at work got cut back so I thought I'd do another chapter; Very random thing. That and it's two in the morning! Reviews please!

Scars

Part thirteen: Screaming

"Get Out!" Duo screamed and threw the alarm clock on his bedside table at Quatre who closed the door just in time! "Get Out and Stay Out!"

Duo backed himself up into the corner of the room. He'd thrown off all his cloths by then except a pair of black shorts. He was too hot, too cold, and too angry to care. Duo slid down the wall and clutched his knees to his chest, holding on as tight as he could. His fingernails bit into his skin and blood oozed out. He had other scratches, nothings serious, but between the dried blood and the red welts on his arms, legs, back, stomach and chest he looked like he'd been dragged across a bed of barbed wire. He was also running out of room while trying to hold on to enough of his sanity to keep from going over a scratch more than once.

Fear kept him from going deep enough to scar himself again, but the withdrawal kept his hands clawing for something to hold onto. Duo shivered and wiped the sweat from his face with abrupt and fierce movements. He pushed his bangs away from his face in anger and shoved his back against the wall, hard.

Duo felt the bruises already there sting and felt new ones blossoming against his spine and rib cage. He was getting thinner, thinner than he had been when he'd been closed up in his apartment by the sea. Gods, how he missed the sea!

Duo ignored the knocking at his door, it wasn't locked, but Quatre had stopped coming in uninvited. Duo had kicked out the servants first; he couldn't stand their faces. And they never brought him what he really wanted, just food, fresh blankets, ice packs and hot water bottles. Duo rocked a little, the pain was mounting, the shaking wouldn't stop, and another wave was coming.

Duo had started to ask Quatre for more pills the day after he'd kicked out all the servants and enforced that by biting one of them. The painkillers were taking the edge off his constant headache, but they were doing little else.

"Duo, you shouldn't have bit Gill, he was only bringing you jello." Quatre adjusted his blankets to try and help Duo stop shivering.

"Hey Quatre, if I tell you how, will you get me something?" Duo asked, trying to act casual about it, but failing to keep the desperation from his voice.

"What is it Duo?" Quatre asked, looking at him in surprise, Duo hadn't asked for anything since he'd gotten back from the hospital three days ago.

"I need you to turn on my computer, I'll tell you the passwords and how to find the page I want." Quatre started to walk over to his desk but stopped halfway there and turned to Duo in horror.

"Duo…" Quatre looked so sad. It made Duo angry.

"Come on Quat, don't look at me like that, it's not what you think." Duo tried to hide his anger, shoved it away from him and smiled.

"Then what is it Duo." Quatre asked, his face going serious.

"Look, I'll only buy half a bottle, I can go on it again to stop all this shit while the doctors analyze the contents of the pills and-WHAT?" Duo yelled as Quatre closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.

"Duo, the doctors have already seen the pills," Duo gripped the pillow he was laying on; he could feel his hand through the stuffing, ripping at the cover and casing. "The only way to quit is to go cold turkey, they can't help you bypass this. They're a long way from even creating a cure for some of its side effects."

"Bull Shit!" Duo cursed at him. "Side effects…is that what these are, Fucking Side Effects?" Duo threw his pillow across the room and hit the desk behind Quatre who jumped in surprise.

"Duo, calm down, I'll go get-" Quatre started for the door.

"No, you get back here and get me those pills!" Duo started to get out of bed.

"Duo Stop!" Quatre rushed back and tried to force Duo back down into the bed.

"Let go Quatre!" Duo shoved at him, but his arms wouldn't work the way that he wanted them to, he was clumsy and half his strength was just gone.

"Duo, just wait. Wait, Heero will be back soon." Quatre got him to sit on the bed.

"Shut Up!" Duo rolled back over the bed, kicking Quatre in the process. "I don't need Heero, I just need those pills!" Duo cowered on the floor.

"Duo?" Quatre walked slowly around the bed, rubbing his chin.

"I'm sorry!" Duo sobbed. "I'm sorry, please, just one more. It's all I need, then I'll stop, I promise."

"Oh, Duo." Quatre's hands quivered in the air just above Duo's back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kick you, didn't mean to yell." Duo looked up at him pleadingly with tears fresh in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. "Please, I can't eat, I'm not even hungry. Can't sleep, can't sit still! I'm so cold Quatre!"

"Duo, please, just get back into bed, I'll bring you more blankets." Quatre tried to coax him back into the bed.

"NO!" Duo screamed and bucked away from Quatre's hands. "Don't touch me!" Quatre stumbled back and hit the wall.

"I'll get them myself!" Duo crashed past him and tried to get to his laptop.

"Duo!" Quatre darted ahead of him and grabbed the laptop, ignoring the snap of wires and the clatter of the Rank.

"Hand it over Quatre." Duo said in a dangerously low voice that made Quatre fear him more.

"I'm sorry Duo, I'll give it back when Heero comes back." Quatre promised and ran from the room, shutting and locking the door behind him. He heard Duo crash into the door behind him and scream. Quatre cringed and cried as Duo beat the door with his fists, kicked it and slammed his shoulder into it again and again. He put the computer in his own room and collapsed in his chair, he held his face in his hands and sobbed.

"Trowa…"

Duo had stopped letting anyone past the doorframe after that, he threw things at any face that peeked in on him. He'd tried to get out the windows a few times, but Gill had showed up and nailed them shut. Duo had spent hours trying to open them till some of his fingernails ripped off and his skin bleed raw.

Duo didn't try his door, he knew there were people on the other side, even a few doctors had showed up, but Duo had nearly chocked one to death and that was the end of those visits. He'd heard Quatre order everyone to stay out till Heero could get back, and Duo had cried silently in a corner. Duo had started to lose track of the days and how often he slept. He refused food all together and drank water when he could keep it down from the sink in his bathroom.

Duo passed out from time to time and that only deteriorated his sense of time further as day and night blended together. He just tried to stop shaking and burrowed under a blanket when he got too cold to stand it any longer, but that never really helped.

Duo screamed, he screamed when he was hungry and knew he couldn't eat food, screamed when his stomach rejected water and his thirst grew stronger, he screamed when the windows wouldn't open and his computer was still gone. But more than that, Duo screamed each time he woke and Heero was not there.

Heero sat as still as he could in the helicopter, waiting for it to take off. His shoulder was wrapped from the knife would and graze from bullets on his legs bit under his pants, but he was ready to get out and run all the way back to Duo if he had too. Trowa finally climbed in after saying his goodbye to Wu Fei and signaled the pilot to take off.

Their mission had not gone smoothly. The warehouses had been stock full of weapons, stolen, developed, black market and prototypes. Scrap had been just what Duo had predicted, kids. They were young men and women who had retaliated with force when they'd realized the troops had infiltrated their base. The fight had quickly gone from long range to hand to hand combat when Scrap had been isolated to one warehouse and some of their prototype weapons had faltered in their hands. For a while it had looked like Wu Fei's team would be victorious and then a young boy had found a crate full of black market guns.

Heero had been hit in the shoulder form an earlier conflict and was slow to move from his position when the gun swung around the hit him. Trowa had grabbed him and hauled him along as they ran for better cover, but both men had been grazed by a rain of bullets aimed for their legs.

It wasn't until Wu Fei got some men round to flank Scrap that the kids ran out of ammo and surrendered in fear. Duo and Trowa as well as most of the troop were flown to a hospital and Heero had cursed his every moment there as a waste when none of his wounds were serious. Trowa and Wu Fei had tried to calm him down but Heero still refused to lay there quietly while waiting for the doctors to release him.

Wu Fei had distracted him a little with reports for Scrap and some reports from his other cases, But Heero's mind was never far from Duo. He tried to call a couple of times, but several times no one picked up the phones, which almost had Heero jumping out the window, but then there were a few times when a man or woman would answer, give him the roundabout about a bad time and hang up before he even said his name.

Heero was sure that he was going mad, he could swear he could hear Duo yelling at him for leaving him all alone, it was a near constant guilt trip that made him itchy to move. Heero probably would have paced the room had an IV not tied him down and had his shoulder not ached so.

When the doctor finally gave him the release papers to sign, Heero stumbled out of bed and ran into Wu Fei on the way out.

"I knew you would be in a hurry to return to…your home." Wu Fei said, infuriating Heero with another obstacle between him and Duo and he barely restrained himself from making Wu Fei get out of his way. "A transport is waiting for you."

Heero could barely believe his ears as Trowa trotted up behind him. "This way." Wu Fei led them to a car that sped off to a helicopter pad.

"Thank you Wu Fei." Heero swallowed hard and kept his head down, knotting his fingers painfully in an attempt not to yell at Wu Fei to drive faster. This had been exactly how he'd gotten slashed in the first place; his mind would not stay focused while the rest of him yearned to fly to Duo's side.

"You helped me first." Heero wasn't sure but he thought he heard a bite to that 'helped' but let it go, Wu Fei was helping him get to Duo. "You will tell Maxwell that I will be visiting soon and I expect to see him healthy and I don't want to hear any whining."

Heero nodded and leapt from the car and ducked towards the helicopter. Trowa turned to Wu Fei a little slower on his feet, "We'll check in once we reach Quatre's mansion."

Wu Fei nodded and stood back while Trowa got in the helicopter and they took off into the air in a steady arch up. Heero watched Wu Fei shrink and get left behind as they started the flight back home. Heero found his fingers in anxious knots again as he fought to sit still. Trowa spoke calmly across the headsets.

"I'm sure you've no reason to worry. Quatre has everything under control, ETA is two hours." Heero nodded silently, mentally berating Trowa's tranquil manner. He watched out the window for the mansion to come into sight thought it was still miles and miles away.

Duo screamed again, he slammed into the door, trying to threaten Quatre into giving him his laptop back, but it wasn't working. What he needed was a weapon! Duo searched around the room for a weapon, anything he could use to get his laptop back. Briefly a thought flicked across his mind, a joke. Here he was fighting tooth and nail for his laptop back when Heero was the one who was obsessed with the small computers. Duo felt a twinge and as soon as it popped into his head, it left and he was in his closet.

Duo ripped down cloths and grabbed a hanger swinging off the wooden rod suspended there. He bent the wire, snarled in frustration when it didn't shape itself to his will automatically, but he kept at it and stretched out it's shape till he had a long wire with the hook still set in the end.

Duo twitched and tried to still his shaking hands, he went back to the door and silently crouched down next to it. He was poised there for some time, but his training kept him from moving, even under the strain of his withdrawal. He waited and was rewarded, when the silence had gone on for a while Quatre got worried and opened the door to look in.

Duo lunged at him and raked his weapon across Quatre's arm that held the door open. Shouts broke out and Quatre automatically put up his arms to protect himself as Duo attacked again. Gill sprang forward and used his height and weight against Duo, he slammed him back into the room and Quatre sprang forward to pry the hanger from Duo's grasp. He yelled at one of the maids who slipped into the room and took all of the hangers and slipped out again. Duo screamed in rage and pulled at Gill's hair who didn't seem to notice. He just held Duo down until Quatre backed out of the room and gave his ok to let him up. Gill dashed out of the room and Duo slammed into the door Quatre closed after him and locked.

Quatre winced as Duo beat himself against the door and screamed till his voice went ragged and started to give out.

"I'm sorry Duo." Quatre said though Duo couldn't possibly hear him over his own ravings. "Just hold out, it's just the withdrawal. You'll be better soon." Quatre hung his head as Gill took his arm and began to examine it.

"These cuts are deep, you may need stitches." Gill frowned and flashed his eyes at the door where Duo had fallen against and was just hitting with a fist now, sort of feebly. He'd near worn himself out again, but he would start up again, soon.

"It's not his fault Gill, he doesn't mean it." Quatre felt the tears starting again, he fought against them, but they won out in the end. "He's my best friend, he's not like this. This isn't really Duo, it's the drugs."

"Yes." Gill agreed quietly, though he thought that by now even Master Quatre doubted his own words. "Let me clean this." He sent maids to get a first aide kit but didn't bother to try and get Quatre to move from the door, he already knew that he would not.

Another day passed and Duo didn't notice, he beat the door till both his fists were near raw and no sound would come from his vocal cords anymore. He lay on the floor, exhausted to the point where all he could manage was too lay still and breathe. Each breath a labor that made tears seep out between his crusted lids. His face was hallowed and his eyes looked as if they'd been stained permanently from the dark circles round them. He shivered, cold and hot on the bare floor, the blanket across the room so far away.

He jerked every now and then with spasms of pain, his head a constant source of nausea and ache since he no longer had the mild painkillers. His stomach would knot and unknot every hour or so and he would whimper from the stabbing punctured feeling, for that was all he muster at that point.

Any coherent thought in his head prayed for death, but his body still fought, as if waiting for something, but he couldn't remember what. If only he could remember.

Heero shoved the front doors open, no one had come to meet them at the helicopter pad and that worried him to no end. There were a few cars parked haphazardly in the front drive, but no one was walking round or busy with anything he could see.

"DUO!" Heero yelled into the empty entry. Trowa came in behind him, fear and anger edging in on his mind as well now. He needed to see Quatre, needed to see him now and know that everything really was ok, like he'd known it would be only moments ago. Now…now it didn't seem as if it was.

"Who are you?" A tall man came down the stairs, glaring at them.

"Where's Duo?"

"Where's Quatre?" Both men asked at the same time.

"Who are you?" The man asked again, obviously not going to let them go further until they stated their identities.

"Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton." Heero said furiously as he shoved himself past the man and climbed the stairs two at a time. "DUO?"

"Heero?" Heero found Quatre sitting in a chair outside of Duo's room, his arms were wrapped in bandages and he looked worn down to the bone. His eyes were heavy from lack of sleep and it looked as if he hadn't been eating. "Heero!" Quatre stood fast and wobbled from dizziness. "Thank God! Please Heero, I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do, Duo's…he's…" Quatre looked ready to collapse, but his words cut at Heero and he ran to Duo's door and turned the handle.

When it wouldn't open he turned to Quatre in fear. "What's-"

Quatre was fumbling with a key; Heero reached over and snatched it out of his hands as Trowa caught Quatre in his arms and held him tightly.

"Trowa." Quatre breathed and took in his lovers sent and let himself be held.

"What has happened to your arms?" Trowa held Quatre's arm up lightly, staring at it with a frown of concern.

"It's Duo, he's become irrational, I took away his computer and he attacked me!" Quatre wept and turned in Trowa's arms till he could burry his face against his chest.

Heero finally got the door open and pushed it in, it instantly stopped, something blocking it. Heero had to push it to get in and found Duo lying at his feet.

"DUO!" Heero fell to his knees and pulled Duo into his lap. He began a systematic check of Duo as he held him tightly in his arms. He was bleeding form numerous cuts and wounds on his arms and hands. His back, shoulders and hips were covered in bruises and his knees were bruised as well as his nails and fingernails being ripped to shreds. He was shivering and convulsing with pain and fever and he was covered in sweat.

"Duo? Duo! Can you hear me?" Heero asked, checking Duo's pupils in his bloodshot eyes that looked more like empty eye sockets in a skull. "His fever is dangerous, he can't get warm. His body is in shock."

Heero scooped him up as if he weighed nothing and walked into the bathroom. Trowa followed with Quatre who couldn't look away as Heero began to tend to Duo.

"Fill the tub with warm, almost hot water." Heero ordered Trowa as he stripped Duo of his boxers and set him up on the counter so he could rest Duo's head against his shoulder and keep him sitting up. He began to take off his own cloths carefully, keeping Duo's body secure against his own.

"What are you doing?" Quatre asked, worrying his hands in the doorframe.

"His body's too cold, I'm going to raise it." Heero said, testing the water as he held Duo against him. "Good." He said and Trowa turned off the water.

Heero carefully lowered himself and then Duo into the water with Trowa's help. He cradled Duo closely and put him under the water till it lapped at his chin. He kept him that way for a while and then brought him up to sit in his lap. He untied Duo's braid and combed it out with his fingers. He pooled water in his hand and poured it over Duo's hair again and again till it washed clean of the sweat and blood and moved in the water like a living being. It started to gain luster back and Heero carefully washed out his bangs.

Quatre fetched a washcloth form under the sink and handed it to Heero who gently washed Duo's face and neck. He used soap to clean off his hands gently and his shoulders where open wounds and blisters were exposed to infection. Heero used a little shampoo in Duo's hair with Quatre's help and they got it to a manageable state.

"He looks better already." Quatre whispered. "I'm sorry Heero!" Quatre sat down hard on the bathroom floor. "I'm sorry! He wouldn't stop screaming, he threw things, he tried to get out the windows! We had to nail them shut. He nearly killed Dr. Evans! I couldn't…he attacked me and…" Quatre sobbed, no more tears to shed and choked on his breath.

"It's ok Quatre, Duo is a Gundam pilot, he didn't feel safe and he was disoriented. He wouldn't have attacked you if he'd been conscious of those thoughts." Heero felt the water cooling down.

Trowa held Quatre tightly but then stood to help Heero stand and get Duo out of the tub. He helped Heero dry him off and wrap his long hair in a towel. Heero carried him to his bed and collected his blanket from the floor.

Trowa returned and picked up Quatre in his arms and carried him from the room. He turned back once to look at Heero.

"You'll be ok?" Heero nodded once and Trowa left.

Heero climbed in beside Duo and pulled him up against him. Duo's body shook a little, but it quieted down in Heero's arms. His eyes fluttered and fought to open but stayed closed in the end.

"Heero?" Duo asked the darkness around them, shivering at the closeness of the body behind him.

"Yes. Safe, I've got you." Heero whispered into his ear. Duo snuggled down into the blanket and pillows and pressed himself back into Heero. He was safe again. Heero had come back for him. Heero loved him. Safe.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Yaye for my new apartment! I renamed this chapter, like, 3 times! Very frustrating, but in the end this is how things turned out. And for those of you paying extra close attention, I post current information and chapters on my profile. So if I don't post for a while, check the profile and see what's up. I try not to leave you hanging without an explanation.

Scars

Part fourteen: Breathe

It wasn't until the next day that Heero fully assessed Duo's state. But during the night Duo had turned around and wrapped himself around Heero's body. Heero had woken when he'd begun to have trouble breathing. He had tried to sit up first, found that he couldn't, and then pulled back the blanket to find Duo curled around him.

Heero tried to lessen the pressure by untangling himself form Duo, but that only brought small, painful noises from Duo that cut at his heart. Heero woke Duo with no options left. Duo woke instantly and his hands lost their death grip on Heero.

"What? Heero?" Duo blinked up at Heero who tried to give him an encouraging smile but found that as soon as the pressure from Duo's hands on his back were gone, a tight stinging sensation and soreness replaced them.

"Sorry, you were holding on to me too tight, I couldn't get you to let go." Heero explained as he reached over his shoulder to feel his back.

"Oh, sorry." Duo said quietly, it was still dark, sometime in the early morning, Duo began to feel cold and crept back under the covers, only to find that both he and Heero were naked.

Heero was surprised to find scratches and welts under his calloused fingers when he touched his back. He hadn't even noticed when Duo had given them to him. He tenderly searched with his fingers to try and discover the extent of the damage. They only ranged the top half of his back; the lower half had been left alone.

Heero looked to Duo to ask if he remembered giving them to him, or if he'd been dreaming and found Duo looking decisively away at the floor and with his knees up against his chest. Duo's ears were bright red and his whole face was turning pink.

"Duo?" Heero asked, suddenly worried that his fever was spiking again.

"Um…uh…where…where are my cloths?" Duo's voice was barely audible, but they instantly made Heero's cheeks flush with fresh blood.

"You went into shock, I had to raise your body temperature. So I put you in a hot bath and your shorts were left in the bathroom. It was all you were wearing when I came home." Heero tried to hide his embarrassment under fact.

"Oh." Was Duo's only reply.

"I will get them for you." Heero started to get out of bed, but Duo stopped him.

"No! Don't get out," Duo surprised himself, he didn't know his own reasoning for what he'd just reacted to, but now he needed an excuse. "You'll let out all the warmth." Even to him that sounded lame, but Heero just nodded and lay back down on the bed, pulling the blanket up around him.

Duo snuggled down, but kept his distance. He peeked out at Heero over the top of the blanket, unsure now. Was he still welcome in Heero's arms, or was it weird now that he'd brought it up.

"Come here, you need to stay warm." Heero said abruptly. Duo hesitated, trying to see if Heero was lying by looking him fiercely in the eyes. In the end, he moved closer and rolled over so Heero could spoon him.

Duo was shocked to find that Heero seemed very happy that he was there, pressed up against him. Heero's reaction caused his own.

"H-Heero…" Duo stuttered. He felt the need growing deep within him.

"Shh." Heero coaxed him, holding onto Duo tightly. "Just hold still. Now is not the time." Duo took shallow breaths and tried to reign in his emotions.

"Later." Heero whispered hoarsely in his ear, not just a statement but also a promise. Duo nodded and they both lay still till their blood pressure returned to normal and they could just lay there, wrapped around each other.

Quatre bolted up in his sleep and looked around wildly.

"Duo!" He struggled to get out of bed, unaware that he was actually fighting against Trowa's arms around his waist where they'd been snaked. Trowa had woken when Quatre had moved abruptly and now he was trying to get Quatre's attention before he bounded out of bed.

"I should be at the door! What happened?" Quatre asked the darkness, trying and straining his eyes to see something. Behind him Trowa got up on his knees, letting the covers slide off him and he pulled Quatre up to him and bent over him so that he wholly encompassed the blonde.

"Quatre." His voice was quiet, but it seemed to echo around the room with the same force as Quatre's frantic cries and he was so close to Quatre's ear that it was impossible for the Arabian not to hear him. Not only that but the moment Quatre felt the body against his he recognized him. Not just feel, but the smell and the memory.

Quatre went still and knew where he was, but not why he was awake. "Wh-what happened?" He asked as he felt his heart calming down and his muscles relaxing.

"You tell me." Trowa whispered quietly, Quatre shivered as the words vibrated along his spine with Trowa this close.

"I don't know, I guess I forgot that you were back, I wanted to get up and go check on Duo. I thought he was alone in that room…still…still screaming." Quatre said, his voice placid, but the feeling behind it making Trowa's heart ache for his lover.

"Heero is with him." Trowa assured his small captive.

"I remember, I mean, I know." Quatre nodded, trying to keep himself together.

"Everything's ok, I'm right here." Trowa told him, assuring Quatre that he really was there and wasn't about to disappear.

Quatre hugged Trowa's arms tightly to him. He cringed when his arm gave a twinge of protest. He whimpered, not really meaning to, but unable to hold it back, not now that everything was finally as it should be.

Trowa turned Quatre around and lay him down against his own stomach, so that he cradled Quatre and sat leaning his back against the headboard. He picked up Quatre's hand and gently laid kisses against his fingers. Then his palm, then tracing his tongue in a hot line along Quatre's veins.

Quatre felt a tremor running along his body. He leaned back into Trowa and breathed in the smell of fresh skin, he could see the bright green numbers of the clock from where he was. They'd gone to bed not that long ago, after sharing a hot shower Trowa had rewrapped his arm and they'd climbed into bed and fallen asleep almost instantly.

"Tr-Trowa?" Quarter asked in a whisper.

"Hm?" Trowa asked, preoccupied with the sweet taste of Quatre's skin.

"Do you think…" He trailed off, afraid to ask what was on his mind, even now.

"What is it?" Trowa asked, taking his lips away from Quatre's hot, hot skin and forcing himself to pay attention. He could tell this was important.

"Do you think Duo will ever…" Again he couldn't finish his thought.

"Do I think Duo will ever return to the way he was? If he'll ever recover completely and things will return to the way they were?" Trowa finished the thought for him, forcing the unsaid words out into the air and into reality. Making them all the more ominous.

"Y-yeah." Quatre said, admitting it to himself that he needed to hear the answer out loud, whatever it was.

"No." Trowa said, bluntly. He felt Quatre sag against him, trembling. "I don't think anyone ever really recovers. Duo will just learn to live with who he is now. What the drugs have done to him, the effect the scars will have on his life from this day on. He'll have to learn to accept the way things will be now."

Quarter nodded.

"But I think he will accomplish that at the very least, if not exceed all of out expectations. He's proven in the past that he is capable of so much more than anyone might guess of him. And I think that now that he and Heero have come to terms with their feelings for each other, he will have that much more help." Trowa absently brushed his hand through Quatre's hair, loving the feel of the lightness between his fingers.

"I think so too." Quatre felt better, he settled back into Trowa, comfortable fitting there like he'd always had and always would.

"But it will be hard." Trowa warned him. "Possibly harder even than these past few days. Probably harder than anything Duo has ever had to go through before."

When light peeked around the heavy curtains something woke Heero. He was still spooning Duo; the covers wrapped tightly around them and Duo's hair pushed to the side and draped along the pillows.

Heero held still, comfortable where he was a reluctant for the day to begin if it meant he had to move. He brushed stay hairs off of Duo's shoulders and away from his face. The skin was so soft. Even the scars were like silk beneath his fingers, shiny and pink in the morning light. The room forever trapped in twilight with the curtains drawn.

It was then that Heero realized what had woken him. Duo was laying perfectly still, but his breathing had become wheezy and labored. His chest rose and fell faster and faster, as if Duo was having trouble getting oxygen from the air.

Heero acted fast, he unfolded himself from around Duo and drew back the heavy quilt, leaving Duo's bottom half covered, but getting even that little weight off of his chest. He rolled Duo onto his back and quickly took his pulse. Duo's heart beat was irregular and fast. His temperature was rising again and breathing was becoming increasingly difficult for him.

Heero was reluctant to wake him in case Duo panicked and made it worse, but eventually the problem itself would wake Duo. Heero made a quick decision, he yelled for Quatre's servants and picked up Duo into his lap, he set his arms securely around Duo and spoke into his ear.

"Duo, wake up, I need you to breathe." Duo came awake just as Heero had thought he would. Duo jerked and tried to squirm out of Heero's arms; he gasped for air and couldn't catch his breath.

"Duo, slow down, you're going to lose consciousness." Heero ordered. Duo stopped trying to push Heero's hands away, but he couldn't stop his body from fighting completely. Duo's lungs burned and he tried to gulp down air that was readily available, but it didn't seem to make it all the way down his throat.

Gill was the first one to come in, he rushed over to Heero's side and looked down at Duo whose eyes were wide with panic and begging, pleading for air that everyone else seemed to be taking in so easily.

"Keep holding him down." Gill said and started ordering the maid who'd been hired with medical experience as they came to the door. He got Duo an oxygen tank with a mask and someone brought a sedative.

"Why a sedative? Have you tried Methadone?" Heero asked as the mask was secured to Duo's face.

"The doctors said that Methadone and LAAM wouldn't work, they don't know why, but that we shouldn't try them." Gill explained as he pierced the skin of Duo's arm at the bend of his elbow. "The sedative helped before in the hospital though, the doctor said something about the heart rate."  
And it was only moments till Duo's breathing became regular again, his heartbeat slowed and his eyes drooped. He looked up at Heero and stared at him while Gill continued to talk.

"For some reason, all usual methods for addiction treatment, at least the pharmaceutical are not working with the withdrawal from the H.G.L.'s." Gill explained. "And the symptoms follow no consistent pattern. Duo is showing symptoms associated with abuse of Opioids, CNS depressants, and stimulants. The drug has doctors baffled."

"Duo, can you hear me?" Heero asked as he tried to digest all that Gill had just told him. Duo nodded slowly and kept looking up at him, his hands were clutching at Heero tightly while he lay there and concentrated on breathing. It was if he thought that Heero might be a hallucination or that he might just disappear. Heero guess that he probably wasn't far off, according to Quatre Duo had been going through the worst of it while he and Trowa had been gone. Heero hated that he'd promised Duo he'd be there for him and then left at the first call.

Trowa and Quatre came into the room, Quatre was still in his pajamas and Trowa was freshly dressed with his hair still drying from his shower.

"What happened?" Quatre asked, panic starting to seep into his voice.

"Repertory depression." Gill answered, checking the level of the oxygen and then turning to Master Quatre. "He should be in the hospital, in a addiction treatment center where they can help him properly."

Heero's eyes widened at the servants audacity, he'd never heard anyone talk to Quatre like that who wasn't his equal in everyway.

"Gill!" Quatre seemed just as shocked by the outburst. "Gill you can't possibly understand how fragile this situation really is, you're missing the point."

Heero looked down at Duo who had gripped him with panicked fingers when he'd heard Gill's words. His eyes were screaming in alarm that couldn't find a voice to use, telling him very plainly that a treatment center was out of the question.

"And what is this point that I am missing that is so plain to everyone else here?" Gill asked in anger that had his fists balled at his sides.

"Duo is a Gundam Pilot." Heero said from the bed.

"Everyone keeps say that, I understand, but surely that really doesn't make you so different that-" Gill started to protest but Heero cut him off.

"Yes. It does make us that different Gill. Someone waking us up the wrong way in the morning could get them dead if we're not careful. Everyone of us. Duo can't go to a treatment center because the only way we know that no one will die is if we are the ones helping him. You witnessed how Duo was after only a few days, what he did to Quatre, his best friend. Can you imagine what would happen if we put him in a center where other drug addicts are just as high strung and with employees who are either volunteers or doctors."

Gill paled, he looked at Duo who was currently helpless in Heero's arms. He still couldn't see that Duo was far from helpless, even in his current state. But he was starting to. Heero sighed and shook his head.

"Has Duo been eating?" He asked as he gently laid Duo down against the pillow that hadn't fallen off the bed yet and stood and fetched his cloths from the bathroom.

"No, we tried to get him to at least some jello, but that didn't go over so well." Quatre said.

"He bit me!" Gill protested.

"You're lucky that's all he did. You got off with a warning." Trowa said quietly from the doorframe.

Gill didn't look convinced, but everyone else in the room knew that Trowa was absolutely right. As far gone as Duo had been, he'd still known enough about what was going on around him to curb his actions. That meant that things could still get worse, which made the muscles between Heero's shoulder blades tighten.

"Get some more, we'll try again." Heero said as he helped Duo get his black shorts on and picked up the bedding that had been knocked to the floor.

Gill left to get the jello and Heero turned his gaze to Quatre.

"I know, I know." Quatre said, rubbing his eyes with his hand in exasperation.

"If you know, then why is he still here?" Heero asked.

"Because, despite his attitude, he was the only one strong enough to help me hold Duo down and I've known him for years. He's usually not like this." Quatre protested.

"He thinks Duo is psychotic and should be hospitalized and is upset that we can't see that." Trowa voiced. Heero nodded, he'd seen that in Gill too.

"If could just understand that…" Quatre couldn't' find the words he needed.

"As long as he does his job properly with less back talk, its fine." Heero said, letting it go. "But if he does anything that hampers Duo's progress, he's out." Quatre nodded, understanding that Heero meant out. Not just fired, but out, as in no one ever heard from him again. Trowa took Quatre to their room so he could start his day and Heero took the jello from Gill when he came back.

"He has been unable to hold down even liquids. There were intravenous supplements delivered this morning." Gill said, he'd recovered on his trip to the kitchen and was back to suppressing his better judgment and just doing his job again.

"Bring one up." Heero nodded and then dismissed Gill from his mind, turning to Duo. "Ready?" He asked.

Duo nodded and let Heero help him sit up. He didn't talk, didn't really look at Heero, but he took the spoon and started to eat some of the jello. He ate silently and just enjoyed the feeling of the cold gelatin cooling his sore throat. He finished the small bowl over to Heero. He sat there for a minute with Heero watching him closely, both waiting to see if the liquid would stay down.

"I think…" Duo started to say, and then felt the muscles in his stomach twitch. "Scratch that." He said quickly and scrambled off the bed and for the bathroom. Heero followed him and held his long hair back as Duo threw up the jello. Duo's throat bled so that much of the jello came up tainted red. The lime jello looked even worse with the red in it and made Duo dry heave.

Heero rubbed his back in soothing circles, trying to help the muscles relax long enough to give Duo time to breathe. Duo finally stopped and sat back and fell into Heero's arms.

"Sorry." Duo mumbled.

"We'll just have to give you an IV." Heero said quietly as he helped Duo back to bed. Duo didn't have time to feel sorry for himself as he lost consciousness as soon as he was in bed. Heero had Gill help him set up the IV and he set the needle in the back of Duo's hand with a piece of tape.

Heero sat on the edge of the bed watching Duo; he was still like that an hour later when Trowa knocked softly on the door.

"There is food, you need to eat." Trowa told him. Heero nodded, confirming that he hadn't eaten anything since the day before when they'd arrived.

"I will watch him and I will send someone for you if he wakes." Trowa offered, knowing there was no other option unless they sent food up to him. Even then, he might refuse on the grounds that he would not eat in front of Duo who could not even hold down liquids.

"Thank you." Heero said as he stood and stretched his muscles. He gave Trowa a look before leaving, a question in his eyes. He eyed Trowa for a moment, not as a friend, but as a potential enemy.

"I hold no grudge for Duo's actions during his withdrawal, I have seen many in this state before, I understand that he did not truly intend Quatre harm." Trowa reassured him. Heero nodded once and left, his suspicions gone.

Trowa took a seat in the chair that had been brought back in, he turned on the dim lamp against the growing darkness in the room as the sun moved from one side of the mansion to the other. He pulled out a book and began to read, his senses aware of Duo's breathing, his movement and his conscious state.

Trowa had been sitting for only a few minutes when Duo's breathing changed. Trowa instantly put down the book and stood over Duo and waited. He listened as Duo's breathing quickened and then became shallow. Trowa put his hand to Duo's throat and felt the pulse at his jugular. It was speeding up and the beats were moving towards irregularity. Trowa picked up the mask to the oxygen tank and turned it on; he placed the mask over Duo's mouth and nose but did not secure it.

Trowa placed one broad hand over Duo's chest, just below his last rib and on the diaphragm. He gave a firm and abrupt push that shoved all the air in Duo's lungs out and his eyes flew open as he took in a big gasp of pure oxygen from the tank.

Duo looked up in surprise at Trowa as his breathing was suddenly normal again, but with no knowledge that it started to regress in his sleep.

"Heero is downstairs eating lunch." Trowa answered Duo's unasked question. Duo nodded and finally noticed that there was a mask over his face being held in place by Trowa.

"What happened?" He asked, his voice muffled by the thick plastic.

"You almost stopped breathing again." Trowa said calmly.

"You didn't call for Heero?" Duo asked, knowing that if Trowa had, it wouldn't have been one green eye looking down at him when he woke.

"No. I gave your lungs a quick impact that forced out all the old air you were holding in, it seemed to work." Trowa said and finally took the mask away, satisfied that Duo didn't need it anymore.

"What if it hadn't?" Duo asked, not bothering to sit up again, he just wanted to lay as still as possible. And truthfully his throat couldn't take much more of this conversation. He'd have to stop soon, but not yet, he wanted to know.

"Then I would have called for Heero along with a servant with the sedative they used last time." Trowa said easily.

"Risky." Duo said in a whisper, trying to minimize the use of his voice box.

"And it worked; now you won't need a sedative every time." Trowa gave him a smirk that was half hidden by his long bangs. Duo smiled back.

"Just remember to breathe." Trowa told him. Duo nodded and drifted back to sleep as Trowa took up reading again. When Heero came back he turned over the chair and left Duo to him.

Heero would later find out what happened and be very angry with Trowa, but the next two times Duo had trouble breathing, it was Heero who helped him get the carbon dioxide out of his lungs and the oxygen in.

Duo thanked Trowa; he was surprised to find out that Trowa liked needles about as much as he did. He also apologized to Quatre and each of the three men took turns sitting with Duo so that Heero did not exhaust himself as he seemed prone to.

Doctors were brought back in, including a new man called Dr. Draki, a tall man with bright honey eyes and long brown hair. Dr. Draki was a specialist in behavioral counseling for addicts. He'd been brought in on a five hour flight and talked to Duo once a week. He also talked with Heero, Quatre and Trowa and brought them in sometimes for a group meeting with Duo.

Duo was able to hold down liquid in thirteen days and solid food in three weeks. He didn't bite anyone anymore and Gill began to warm up to him with each passing day. It helped that Duo was able to talk more and more as his throat healed.

But his next big step came when a month had gone by and Dr. Draki suggested something new. A shared counseling session with someone who wasn't present in the house all the time, one of Dr. Draki's other patients, Aski.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Went to Comicon in Phoenix. Am probably gonna go to Anime Fest in December! Yaye! This is a turning point; I think I have a new feel for the writing, so tell me if I'm doing good! Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far and keep reading, this isn't the last chapter, from here it gets interesting.

Warning, adult content. Male/male sex.

Scars

Part Fifteen: Mutilation

Duo woke with a headache, it wasn't an uncommon thing now a days. His room was cast in shadows, the window open just a little bit, cool air creeping in along the floor. But Duo was safe and warm in bed, held tightly in Heero's arms. Duo still woke each day surprised to be there.

He felt the trepidation return that had been building up since Dr. Draki's last visit. He'd had a week to brood over this as the day had loomed closer and closer. It had been building up inside ever since the good doctor had announced that upon his next visit he was bringing a guest, one of his other patients. Someone named Aski. Duo pondered again on the name, as he did every time he was forced to think about it.

Duo lay still, he knew Heero would wake up soon, there wasn't much that he missed, and even though Duo didn't move when he woke, and his breathing didn't change from years of training, something still seemed to alert Heero when he woke. Duo wished he could roll over and go right on sleeping; he'd only just gotten to sleep a couple of hours ago. Even before this new little rollercoaster of trepidation, he'd been having trouble sleeping. At first, it was just that he kept waking up, nightmares easily soothed aside by Heero in the dark hours of the night, and then he would go back to sleep. But very suddenly, in the past weeks, as the rest of his body seemed to recuperate, a part of his mind was digressing and wouldn't shut down long enough for sleep. He was now down to a few hours a night, and while he was still able to function on that little amount, it also had him strung tight and tired all the time. His body seemed to regress to a constant ache deep in his bones and his face was going gaunt and pale with the dark smudges under his eyes even more prominent.

Duo felt Heero wake, it was about as apparent as his own waking would have been, Heero's eyes were just very suddenly open and staring down at him in concern. Duo shook his head at the silent question held in those cobalt eyes, he hadn't gotten any more sleep than he had been getting. It worried Heero to no end and Duo just let out a heavy sigh. He shifted himself away from Heero, and though Heero let him go, the reluctance in his arms would have been apparent to the blind.

Duo forced himself out of bed, ignoring the pleading in the back of his head to crawl back into Heero's arms and stay there. He made his way into the bathroom, his hand automatically going up to the doorframe to support himself on wobbly legs, and then leaned over the sink. He closed his eyes, some part of him still striving towards REM, but his brain wouldn't have any of it, and he just emptied his bladder and then washed his face. Duo tried to ignore the sloshing of the water while he raised handfuls of it too his face, but ended up slamming his hands down on the marble counter in frustration.

Heero was over to the door in a second, gently resting his hands on Duo's shoulders and guiding him back into the room and towards the bed to sit down.

"Damnit." Duo cursed somewhat subdued, but still earnest in his frustration.

"Baby steps." Heero reminded him in a soft voice, Dr. Draki's mantra. Duo wanted to shove tiny shoes down the man's throat and then hear his opinion of baby steps, but knew that probably wouldn't go over so well and where would he get all those shoes anyway.

Duo let Heero help him into his cloths; he chose black jeans, a dark red shirt and a grey sweater over it. Heero didn't approve, the consternation over Duo's retreat into cloths that covered most of him screaming from his eyes, but to Duo's relief, he bit his tongue. Duo had taken to trying to wear less long sleeved shirts and sweaters around the house just for the look it put on Heero's face, but today was different.

This was the dreaded day that the past week had been building up to; Duo was even surprised that he'd gotten as much sleep as he did, little though it was. He'd been sure last night that he wouldn't be able to sleep again until this whole ordeal was over.

Duo watched Heero dress in dress slacks and a polo shirt, a little more dressy than normal for today's impending visit, but kept himself in stocking feet like Duo. Duo wished for gloves and a hooded sweater as he followed Heero down the stairs, but both Heero and Quatre and ganged up and blatantly refused to allow either.

Duo picked at his breakfast, wishing the clock would slow down on its seemingly fast foreword movement towards two o'clock. Time never seemed to drag by when he really needed it to, the whole Murphy's law coming into play against him every time.

Duo couldn't have repeated anything that was said over breakfast, though he usually had impeccable memory for such things, even when he wasn't really paying attention. Quatre kept trying to engage him in the conversation, but was only rebuffed by Duo's complete lack of thought for anything but whatever was going on in his own mind. Heero was equally quiet, and with Trowa gone for a couple of days he was left to join them in silence.

Duo could only imagine what he'd looked like, sitting there, his mind running through every possibility of anything that would happen when two o'clock came. When he was that deep in thought, his face did this run away thing where it forgot it's schooling against showing emotion and inner thought and just went as rampant as his inner turmoil.

"Duo?" Heero's hand on his shoulder brought him back, he found himself staring down at the table with a fork in his hand and whatever hand been on his plate reduced to mush of an unnamed color.

"Sorry." Duo muttered and let Heero take the plate away, he couldn't find anything to do with his hands anymore, so he just stuffed them into his pockets and went back to his thoughts.

Dr. Draki hadn't told him anything about Aski, not age, not race, no description, not even gender. And the name was so strange that in Duo's mind it could go either way. Duo kept seeing a hooded figure in front of him with only eyes staring out at him and then the figure was backing away from him in disgust and then somehow turned into a car that speed forward and ran him over till he was just so much meat.

Duo jerked when Trowa's voice broke in and he almost stopped breathing right there, which he hadn't done so early in the day for a while now.

"Breathe." A voice told him and Duo could hear steady breathing coming from someone and tried to match it. Duo waited as his heart rate came back down from 'burst-out-of-your-chest' to what was almost normal.

""I asked if you wanted to sit outside for a bit." Trowa asked again when Duo had calmed down. Duo was glad when Trowa didn't hover like Heero so often did after his attacks, he just bowled forward with whatever he'd been doing or saying as if nothing had happened. And while that caused Heero some stress, it made Duo feel a little more competent.

Duo nodded to Trowa's question. When it wasn't raining, Heero let him sit outside in that immense garden he'd found, what seemed like, ages ago. Sometimes someone would join him, or they'd all sit out there with warm drinks, but Duo also liked to have some alone time. Heero always stayed close by inside, but Duo had found that after a while, he'd grown restless from the constant company he had. For five years he'd stayed alone in that small apartment by the beach, and now it was nothing less than one of them with him all the time and Duo had suddenly found it suffocating. The first time he'd felt that panic at having eyes on him all the time, he'd run to the garden and collapsed again the back wall among some bushes and had grown cold and was shivering when Heero had finally found him.

He'd gotten a good lecture from a slightly panicked Heero, and had gone into another attack when they'd changed temperatures on him with fresh cloths from the dryer, but afterwards, they'd all agreed that Duo could handle a little alone time if he didn't push it as far as he had that day.

Duo grabbed a coat and made his way out to the garden and his favorite lounge chair. He leaned back, barely noticing the cold through all his layers and looked up at the gloomy sky through the branches of the tree directly over him.

Gill popped his head out sometime later and offered to get Duo a hot chocolate, Duo accepted with a small grin and Gill disappeared inside again. Duo was still amazed at how quickly Gill had come around from immediate hospitalization to friendly banter and hot chocolate after only a few conversations with Duo once he could talk past his raw throat. Apparently part of him was still approachable and likeable and still drew people to him, even when it seemed less likely than otherwise. It made a part of Duo stir and resurface a little. He made an effort with Gill and finally got comfortable with him so that it was like a small triumph. The last friend he'd had was Bruce the landlord, and in five years, that was astonishing for Duo to the point where even he wondered what was going on inside his head.

Before…before the…incident…Duo had had many friends, had been rolling in acquaintances and contacts all over the Earth and the colonies. He'd been a wheel hub of friendships and ties so that he'd been adrift that first year and had memories of moments where he thought madness really would consume him just from lack of human contact.

Gill came back and interrupted Duo's thoughts bringing him back to reality with a crash, but all was forgotten when he handed Duo the mug full of hot chocolate and topped with whipped cream enough so that Duo had to eat it before his first sip so that it didn't end up all over his nose. He gave a little moan of pleasure as the hot liquid curled down his throat and mumbled a heartfelt thanks to Gill. Gill only laughed a little as the pure adoration in Duo's eyes and then left to tend to his other duties.

Duo cradled the mug in his hand, taking the warmth in through his hands as well as he welcomed it over his lips. He watched the steam lazily drift up and then disappear quickly from the chill in the air. He sat and waited while the sun made its slow track across the sky and danced behind the deep green leaves. The rain was holding off for a while and Duo was grateful for it, he really didn't want to go back inside right now, just needed a few moments to collect himself. Maybe if he sat out here just long enough he might be able to face this next hurdle. More and more lately he'd been noticing his weakness more and more. For the longest time it hadn't bothered him, he'd been perfectly content to stay in that little grey and barren apartment for the duration of his life, or until someone finally came bashing through his door with a gun. But, in truth, he'd been alone then, no one to watch him slowly fade away. To curl up on his mattress in the middle of the day from pure exhaustion after being up for days. No one was there to scrutinize over all the covered mirrors, or the desolate fridge.

Now he was surrounded by people all the time, people who seemed to care when he dressed a certain way or said certain words, they all saw them as signals and were able to read him. Duo found himself comforted when he needed it, alone when he needed to think, occupied when he started to get bored, and fed when he was hungry. Some part of him was aware that nothing should be so ready and waiting for him, some part of him was bothered while the rest of him was comforted and content. But that small part of him had started to grow as of late, as if something were growing deep inside of him, and one day it was just going to burst out and overtake him, but for now it just took seed in the back of his mind.

Duo finished his hot chocolate and set the mug down on the ground next to the leg of the lounge chair, unwilling to move long enough to set it on the table a couple feet away from him. He was comfy now, and his mind was racing so fast that it felt like the rest of him had to hold perfectly still just to compensate for it. He vaguely wondered what time it was, but then pushed it aside, thinking that Heero would come out for him before two o'clock rolled around so he could get ready.

Duo's thoughts drifted back to the days that surrounded his arrival here. The way he'd seemed to bounce back so quickly, and then very suddenly fell right back to where he'd been in that apartment. And then getting the drugs from Melinda and his downward spiral into addiction which was apparent to him in hindsight! Duo cursed himself that he'd blatantly pushed his mind away from noticing his own addiction habits forming. Duo had always prided himself on being so strong, so independent; he'd done everything right up till then. Barring his few mistakes on L2, the plague, the massacre, he'd gotten drunk before, but never became attached to the alcohol, he'd refused cigarettes, and up until the H.G.L.'s, he'd never used drugs outside of painkillers on missions. Where exactly had everything gone wrong? Could it really all be traced back to that one night when he'd been attacked, or did it lie somewhere between then and now. Didn't it start creeping up on him before then? Hadn't he felt it that night he'd set out for the bar, and even before then. Right when he'd been told the war was over. Maybe that was it, that sudden loss.

He'd been so damn useful, so damn needed. And now, what? He made computer viruses, for killers. Bought pills from junkies in red cars. What was so damn great about his life now, and wasn't that just it. If you took away the war, what was left?

Duo jerked at a sound next to him, he jerked away and rolled out of the lounge chair to find a child watching him. A boy, maybe sixteen? Duo wondered how he'd been snuck up on; it just showed how relaxed he felt and how hard he'd been thinking. The boy was wearing nothing on his feet, pajama bottoms that were blue with a plaid pattern in green, a blue hospital gown over that, and a hooded black sweater over that. Shaggy hair fell down in front of his eyes, black; the eyes were black as well. But his skin, oh god, his skin!

Duo came to a sick realization as he stared at the boy and stumbled back some more, wanting distance between himself and this strange teenager suddenly in Quatre's garden. He wanted to throw up the chocolate drink that now felt so very cold in his stomach, he wanted to shut out the image of this teenager from his mind, but it was branded against the back of his eyelids now too. Duo couldn't breathe, he was about to start hyperventilating, he was seeing things, he was sure of it, but he couldn't remember this kid from L2, where else could he be from, maybe the war, had his ghosts finally come back to haunt him, had…

"Are you Duo?" Not a boy, a girl! Duo heard it in her voice and then saw the tell tale signs that hadn't been apart at first glance due to the baggy medical gown. It was a girl, her hair was cut severely short, but long on top so that it all sort of fell to one side of her head under the hood. Wait, medical gown! And the pieces feel into place for Duo, though he was surprised that so much time had gone by and all he'd done was sit and think things over.

"Yeah, I'm Duo, are you Aski?" Duo asked, trepidation trying to sneak back into his mind, but in the face of this girl, he found that it couldn't really take hold again. He sort of had this thing for kids, and more so, for injured kids, kids in pain. It was probably rooted back to his days on L2, watching out for the little ones, or maybe his own connection to child hood pain.

"Yeah." She said and looked around at the garden a little more. Duo tried to ignore her skin, but found he kept glancing at it while she wasn't looking directly at him.

"Where's Dr. Draki?" Duo suddenly came to the realization that they were in the garden alone, surely the good doctor would have at least introduced them, and then, wouldn't he have stayed to monitor the 'session' instead of forcing them together and then just leaving?

"Oh, I left him in the car." Aski replied as if he'd just wait there till she was done, and Duo instantly knew that everyone was probably looking for her and wouldn't think to check on him.

"How'd you get inside?" Duo asked, casually, thinking about it as talking about trade back on L2, thievery talk.

"Scaled the wall, left my shoes in the car." Aski replied, looking up as a drizzle started. "Awe man, I was hoping it would lay off for a while longer." She turned to Duo. "We have to go inside soon, I don't wanna get too wet, I don't like being cold."

Duo nodded and she was looking at him again. She smiled and Duo found himself smiling back, wondering where the smile had come from, he couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled like that.

"Well, at least now we know why Dr. Draki wanted us to meet." She laughed and Duo couldn't help laughing along with her.

"What do you mean you lost her?" Heero demanded just staring at Dr. Draki standing in the entry hall alone and looking quite embarrassed.

"Aski has a way of…darting off sometimes." Dr. Draki looked like he wanted to run his hands through his hair, but left them at his sides. "She has a curiosity that I sometimes find is boundless. As soon as the car was close enough and going slow enough, she simply jumped out of the window and ran straight for her, I imagine she could be anywhere on the grounds."

Heero strove to gain control over his emotions, a voice in the back of his head was screaming that he knew absolutely nothing about the doctor's patient and a long string of scenarios played through his mind. For all he knew this girl could suffer from any number of psychoses, and Duo was dozing out in the garden the last time he'd checked. He probably had no idea what time it was and he was in such a relaxed mental state that this girl would probably have no problem sneaking into his defenses and…

Heero turned away and started a bee line for the last place he'd seen Duo, his veins pumping what was surely whit hot blood through him at an alarming rate.

"I assure you, everything is fine, I have no doubt that she went out seeking Duo, and she knows why we've come here. She feels the need to be in control, she'll feel adrift until she has everything exactly the way she wants it. She just wants to meet Duo on her own terms." Dr. Draki tried to assure Heero as he walked quickly after him.

But Heero didn't get very far; ahead of him he heard the door to the garden open. Heero's steps took him to where he could see Duo coming in the door with some.

Heero and Quatre, close on his heels, stopped in the face of their guest. Dr. Draki knew how this was going to go over with Heero, he might see it as a betrayal, but he was hoping he would see it for what it really was: something kindred.

It may have been too much for Quatre, and Dr. Draki thought for a moment that he might have warned the two of them. Their eyes would not, could not leave Aski, though she wore pajama bottoms that covered all of her legs, and a hooded sweater that practically enveloped her, the scars on her face were almost a dead match for Duo's.

But Aski's were worse, where Duo had a scar that started on his face and was a mere promise for the rest of him, Aski's scars stood on their own, each separate from the other, even when they crossed, there was the vague difference that marked them as individual marks.

There were two over her right eye, her left cheek was cut by a diagonal line and there was one that started on her lower lip, just in the corner and drifted down and stopped before it marred her chin too much. Her bright black eyes, though wide awake and smiling easily, were still dull and circled. She seemed to be getting no more sleep than Duo; they were in fact, a mirror of each other.

Aski smiled at the doctor, something that made Heero come back to himself with the realization that it reminded him so much of Duo's smile.

"Well, I found him, no thanks to you." She told the doctor.

"What have I told you about jumping out of moving vehicles?" The Dr. Draki scolded, mirth dancing in his eyes and making the scolding a lie.

"Yeah, yeah." Aski pushed aside his dance and turned to Duo, "We have to have a session now, please tell me you have more comfortable chairs than he does!"

Duo laughed, here was as soul he recognized, something he found he could easily connect with. "They better be, considering how much Quatre paid for them!"

Aski looked around him at Quatre and Heero again, they were still looking at her, as if trying to decide if they should go along with this or protest. Both unsure of what would be good for Duo.

"That's Quatre, the blonde doing the fish imitation." Aski laughed behind her hand as Quatre's mouth instantly snapped shut and he tried to give her a welcoming smile while trying to hide his embarrassment. "And that's Heero."

Aski looked up at the brooding solider, he stared back into her dark eyes with his blue ones and then she smiled.

"Are you Gay?" She asked, rewarded with the appropriate shock. His face colored and she took that as an omission of yes. Duo recognized a tactic he'd used on many adults on L2 before running off with their wallets, long gone before they recovered and even tried to give chase.

"Aski." The doctor warned.

"But you hinted that he was, I just wanted to be sure." She looked back at Heero, "He's Anna's type."

Heero looked up questioningly at Dr. Draki. "Her sister." He smiled.

Realization dawned on Heero's face and surprised a bark of laughter from Duo.

"She loves the dark brooding ones." Aski pushed, watching Duo and smiling when he laughed again.

"Come on, before you break Heero." Duo gave her a push towards the living room with it's over stuffed, but comfortable, chairs.

Duo watched her go over and pick out a chair before any of them, she sat in tailor fashion, her legs crossed under her, the chair seeming bigger around her slight form. She looked around and Duo realized she knew exactly what she was doing, but still held an element that marked her as having reached a certain age mentally and just stopping. She reminded him so much of L2, kids, forced to deal with war, with pain and suffering and losing childhood to it. But at the same time, they were still children, and a part of them would always be without the time to grow properly.

She was in control of the situation, but distracted by the new room and looking around in awe. Duo took a seat in a chair across from her and Heero and Quatre sat on the couch while Dr. Draki took the last seat available on the love seat.

"Ok, here's the plan." Dr. Draki started and Duo saw Aski roll her eyes.

"Oh God, here we go with the 'game plan'!" She made quotes in the air with her fingers, and when Duo laughed this time he realized she was using humor to cover up her own trepidation about this whole affair. But Duo also recognized on of the doctors prominent techniques for his sessions. He laid it out so there were goals and boundaries.

"First, I'm going to sit and listen while Duo and Aski talk to each other, I'm timing that to a good forty five minutes," At Aski's groan he added, "If they feel they need to, that part can be cut short, but we have all afternoon so there's no use in rushing anything." After that, I'm going to talk with them for about twenty minuets, and then I want Duo to have a talk with Heero and Quatre while Aski takes a nap."

"Can I take my nap by the windows where me and Duo were?" Duo was surprised to see that she didn't contradict the prospect of the nap. Surely she was too old to be taking naps mid afternoon, but she just smiled when she got a nod from Quatre when Dr. Draki had turned the question over to him.

"After that, we'll all end it together and then we'll discuss our next appointment and I'll take Aski back to the hospital." Dr. Draki finished.

"Ok." Quatre agreed and Heero only nodded. Duo felt his heart thump roughly against his ribs as Heero and Quatre moved to leave the room. Heero must have seen something in his eyes though, because he made a detour to walk past Duo and reach out to give his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Then it was just him and their guests. Aski looked back at him and Dr. Draki just seemed to settle down for the long haul, glancing down at his watch and then giving Duo a nod of enthusiasm. He looked back at Aski who sighed heavily and made a big show of taking off her jacket. The hospitable gown was decorated up the sides with shoelaces that were striped red and black and woven into the seams. She had the sleeves decorated with winding vines done in what was probably black sharpie. Her arms were bare now and Duo realized they were just as scared as her face and neck where more scars danced, promising more along all of her body.

"So, how old are you?" Aski asked and draped her jacket backwards over her chair.

"I…I'm not one hundred percent sure, but around early twenties." Duo answered, feeling self conscious and wanting to curl in on himself, but surprisingly not in his usual way. This time it wasn't for his scars, but for the way this girl seemed to be able to blatantly ask anything that was on her mind and have it be almost an uncomfortable question even though it was one of the most normal things to ask.

"I'm seventeen." She said, and looked at him hard. "You look younger, like, just a little older than me."

"I guess I do." Duo said, knowing exactly how he looked.

"So what do you use?" She suddenly asked and Duo was completely thrown off by this question.

"Huh?" He so eloquently answered.

"What do you use?" She said more slowly, enunciating. "I think I've used everything at my disposal, well, before they put me in the hospital."

Duo looked at Dr. Draki in complete confusion, and he saw sadness there, behind his doctor's eyes, sadness when he looked at Aski. Duo turned back to her, probably even more confused.

"I've used broken plastic, keys, glass, razors I managed to pry apart, rocks, knives, forks, pieces of metal, staples, you name it I've probably tired it at least once." She looked…proud and Duo felt nausea rise in him with a sick realization.

"You…" He had to breathe and try again, "You did this to yourself?"

She paused and looked at him, "You didn't?"

"I was attacked, they used knives and lighters." Duo thought his voice would come out in a whisper, but it came out almost sounding strong.

"Oh, burns hurt worse." She looked away from him, almost embarrassed now, unsure of herself when faced with something she hadn't expected. She stole a glance at him, peeking through hair that had fallen foreword when she'd realized that what they had in common was something else after all.

"How…I mean…why?" Duo found the words spilled from him unbidden. She looked up at him and Duo saw defiance spring to life in her eyes. He recognized the look as one of his own, but he couldn't remember the last time he'd turned that gaze on someone else.

"Take off your sweater." She demanded. And Duo almost expected Dr. Draki to intervene, but he sat back and watched them. Duo hesitated a moment and then moved to do as she bid.

When he was sitting there in his red shirt with the sweater draped over the arm next to him, she stared openly at him. She stared as if she would memorize each one of his scars till she knew them as well as she knew her own. She seemed to be searching for something that was engraved in his skin; it was almost intimate except for the small frown on her face. After a while she was convinced of something and looked up at him.

"You wanna know why." She repeated his question as a statement. Duo nodded, taking a breath when he realized he'd been holding it.

Aski seemed to give it some thought and then simply said, "To Feel."

Duo was sure he looked like something closely resembling a dead fish, his mouth open in disbelief. "That's absurd!" He scoffed and then instantly shut his mouth; he hadn't meant to say that! But Aski just grinned at him.

"You're the first one to have that reaction!" She fairly crowed. "Everyone else tried to sympathize, or starts yelling at me, or talking to me like I'm some kind of skittish animal that's gonna run off and jump into traffic first chance it gets!"

Duo blushed slightly but looked at her more forcefully. "How in the world does this make you feel?"

"It's not just pain," Her voice became enthralling and Duo found it a bit unnerving that they were discussing what they were with such vehemence. "Adrenaline, relief, happiness, sadness, anger, I've got emotions flowing out of these wounds!"

"You're nuts, I can see why they locked you up." Dr. Draki almost did intervene then, but Aski let out a true gut busting laugh right then.

"Ok, you're my new best friend!" Aski said, wiping her eyes where tears started to from. "Why everyone else won't say that?"

"They're afraid of saying the wrong thing that will send you over the edge." Duo said, and he had a brief moment to wonder where that had come from, and then he thought back on every conversation he'd had with Heero, Quatre or Trowa. It had all been going over his head and he vaguely wondered how it was he could have missed that. It pissed him off now, not just for missing it, but that they'd done it in the first place.

The silence was thick, but Duo pushed forward, unwilling for this to end quiet yet. "I still don't understand how you could do this to yourself, why you're so…proud of it." Duo knew he wasn't going to get answers unless he was honest and just let his mind lead the way instead of thinking things over before he said them. This kind of confession was rare and usually only came out in some sort of therapy or in the darkness of early, early morning.

"Why shouldn't I be proud?" Aski demanded. "This is my body and I've marked it as I see fit. Each scar is a memory, something I will never forget. Something that will forever be a part of me." With that said she pulled down the collar of her shirt to reveal her right collar bone where the deepest of any of the scars he'd seen ran. There were vertical cut that ran parallel to each other, each the same length so that it looked as if someone had taken a tool to her skin rather than her running a piece of glass or a broken razor blade over herself one cut at a time. "Who give a fuck what other people think, they can stare all they want in my opinion."

It was a good solid hit to his gut.

Duo couldn't keep the shakes from growing stronger in his hands as a strong shiver traveled down his back. He jerked and shoved his hands together and between his knees to hold them still. All those eyes, all looking at him, all staring, all judging. He wasn't good enough, he was ugly, a L2 street rat. They knew he didn't belong there, doubted him, and blamed him.

"What's wrong?" Aski's voice brought him back somewhat from the precipice he'd been steadily headed for.

"Nothing." Duo muttered.

"Nuh-uh." She admonished. "That's what's really wrong with you, you care!" she accused and he felt her opinion of him drop and he found he couldn't keep meeting those black, black eyes of hers.

"You care what they think; you don't like it when they stare! It's not because you were attacked, you're one of those pilots. You're all addicted to drugs and feeling sorry for yourself because you care what some Joe walking down the street thinks of you when he sees you coming!" she was fairly yelling now, Feet uncurled from beneath her and pointing at him. "Never mind why I cut in the first place, why do you care?"

Duo stared at her in pure disbelief, it hurt. It hurt so much to have it finally turned around and thrown in his face. All those eyes, and those blue eyes, those Cobalt Blue eyes staring at him in disgust, rejecting him, telling him…

Heero.

Heero telling him that he was ugly, that he was something to be ashamed of. Jumped so soon after the war, not even by soldiers, by civilians. It was the way everyone at the hospital had reacted, and then Quatre too. They couldn't look at him the same way ever again. He wasn't worth looking at, he was a mass of scar tissue and bones, he was finally broken, not by war, but by drunken idiots with knives and lighters.

"He won't love me now." Duo heard someone say and thought about it and then said it again. It was the truth, what was so bad that had happened that he'd run away for five years? He had all sorts of other scars that were not traced back to that one day. Why did these ones made everything so different and changes things so suddenly? Was it the abrupt stop of the war, was it the sudden approach of reality? Was it because he'd finally realized that he'd survived the war and had to start over life from the beginning with nothing? He'd been thrown in the hospital and had hours to lie there and realize that he had nothing, nothing to offer, nothing to start with and now he looked like nothing.

"Who?" Aski's voice anchored him again and he was surprised that she always seemed to know when to speak and when not to, and what to say and what not to. Or maybe she was just as clueless as him and couldn't think of anything else to say.

"H-Heero." Duo stammered and felt tears building up, but vowing that he would not cry. He'd done enough of that already. Boys didn't cry, Solo had taught him that. How had he forgotten so soon?

"But, I thought…" Aski tried off, more confused than ever. She'd been sure from the looks the ruly haired guy had given Duo had spoken of more than friendship.

"Oh, no. He did say…he loves me." Duo admitted, feeling foolish and scared at the same time. Heero had told him in no uncertain terms that he cared for Duo, but it was all so surreal, it still felt like a lie for the hope, the hope he'd held out for so long that it had almost died, hope for something more than friendship after the war, that maybe he wasn't the only one who got a rush from just hearing a voice, from a simply friendly touch, from that sent.

"But you just said, ok, stop that right now! This is getting us no where!" Aski raised her voice again. He was floundering about so badly now that she couldn't make sense of anything he was saying.

"I can't…I mean, he said…but I…" Duo couldn't remember when he'd had more trouble with just words.

"Then let me. I'll talk and then you can tell me." Aski told him in no uncertain terms that she knew more about these therapy sessions than he did and he should just shut up and listen, so he did. He settled back with a slump and started to put himself back together as her voice washed over him, calm and cold.

"My parents didn't want me; I showed no promise with school, sports or art." Aski pulled her knees up to her chest, the only sign she gave that this bothered her at all. "They were enamored with my older sister, Joanna."

Duo felt a slight pain for her, but didn't interrupt. "She's very smart and very pretty, and she was the only one who loved me, took care of me. But she was only in middle school then. My mom got mad at me when she cooked for me, dressed me, bathed me, did anything that took time away from her studies." Aski shivered at the memory, trying not to let Duo see it, she could remember everything so vividly, she'd loved her sister more than anything and she'd never doubted her sisters love for her, even when her parents were so ready to admonish her for it, "So finally, one day when I was nine, she just took me to an orphanage and left me there. Anna tried to come after me, but she wasn't old enough and my parents just dragged her away. "

Aski took a shallow breath, trying not to see the faces of the other kids as she screamed for her parents not to take away her sister, They watched her with envy and disgust. They had not known their parents, what had she done to deserve a family and what had she done to throw it away when they didn't have anything? "I didn't get along with the other kids and I couldn't do anything special, I seemed to do everything the opposite of everyone else. So I just stopped trying and just let myself go on, hoping that one day I might just not wake up." She could remember that feeling, those thoughts, it made her heart skip beats, willing her to return to that existence, she had to get through this before it got more painful. So she just let the rest of the words pour out of her, trying not to think about them.

"I didn't want to kill myself cuz that would make Anna sad, but I stopped feeling anything. I couldn't hope for someone to come along and take me away from there, I was getting to old for adoption, I couldn't hope for my parents, they'd dropped me there in the first place, and I couldn't hope for Anna because she was still in school and couldn't take care of me."

Aski stopped and took a few big breaths, the way she was telling this, Duo could tell she'd done this a couple times before, and Dr. Draki looked pained, as if he'd heard it before but it stung just as much the second time as the first time to hear someone so young saying these things so easily and without tears.

"But I didn't like being numb all the time, so I picked fights with other kids, but I got in big trouble and they threatened to stop letting my sister send me things. She used to send me packages in the mail, little stuff she got with her allowance, but she never forgot. So I had to stop fighting. And that was when I found I could get the same rush from cutting. I had been beat up pretty bad, and the cuts felt so good when I reopened them!" Duo couldn't suppress the shudder that ran through him at that.

"So I made myself arm bands out of old socks and stole stuff from the first aide kit until one of the other girls saw me in the bathroom one night and told someone. I was sent away to a hospital where they wouldn't let my sister visit me and I just got worse. They couldn't take things away fast enough until I was just sitting in a padded room on the floor with a pillow and barely a stitch on me. But it felt so good, so good to just lay everything open, to forget everything else but that one blessed feeling. At first I couldn't stand not being able to anymore, I screamed for it, I begged, I fought. I bit myself in desperation and it wasn't enough. I wanted that feeling back so much, the blood, the rush, the pain, the shivers." She turned a glance at Dr. Draki and smiled at him, "that's when they sent him in. The first thing he did was let Anna see me!"

The doctor smiled back at her, kind and unconditionally, "Anna was trying to get custody of me, she turned eighteen and left our parents. They were really mad but she just scolded them and left." Aski beamed now, life returning to her black eyes after they'd turned dull from the story she was telling. "She said she would fight for me but I had to fight for her. I had to stop cutting." Then she looked a little uncomfortable. "But I didn't know how. I couldn't remember what it's felt like before I'd gone numb, it was like, I still had all those memories but no feelings to go with them. I forgot how it used to feel, who I used to be."

Duo was wide eyed now, and it clicked in his head, what had he been like before? He remembered the war, remembered things he'd said, remembered how he'd used to act around the others, but he couldn't remember how to be that way.

"So Dr. Draki helped me, he started me on pills so I wasn't sleeping all the time and it got easier not to cut. After a while, they let me have things back and Dr. Draki let me draw! He says I'm good, I told him he doesn't know shit about art!" She laughed. But it went through Duo, he caught the words, but he was stuck at that moment, trying to remember something from so long ago, trying to let her words guide him, but he was still so lost! "I got off the pills only a week ago." She said proudly and Duo brought his eyes into focus on her.

"How long?" He asked, not sure what he was asking, but she seemed to get it.

"I started cutting when I was ten, I cut for five years. I'm seventeen now, I've been with Dr. Draki for two years." Duo felt sick when she said 'five years' and almost left the room, but he forced himself to stay sitting and waited for the nausea to pass.

"I'm getting better, and if I can keep going like this, Anna is going to adopt me officially. She says I can come live with her in her condo. She had a room ready for me." Aski's smile this time was tentative, shy and a little worried, but hopeful.

Duo felt a lurch low in his gut, she smiled reassuringly at him, and he took deep breaths. He thought before he started to speak, trying to detach himself from his words, but in the end just gave up and let them come out of him on their own.

"The war ended about six years ago now. I was…I was a Gundam pilot, a mercenary, a murderer, a terrorist. My whole purpose in the war was to stop things, to end lives, to destroy. I'm not deserving of a normal life, and even if I was, I don't know how." Duo admitted it, it was something that had never been truly conscious in his mind, but now that he'd said it, the words rang with his own fears and disgust with himself.

"But, Heero was always there right next to me, I wasn't ever really alone. It took me a long time to realize I was in love with him. At first it was just friendship, I was honored that I was the only one he would talk to sometimes, that I was the one he turned to when he was injured as the one he would trust to get him through it. I never thought…" This next part was only recently and it was still hard from him to say out loud, as if that would make it untrue, that it would disappear in the harsh light of reality. "I never thought that he might feel the same about me. But even when I did realize I loved him, I hid it. You can't take chances like that during war, feelings like that only lead to distraction, and distraction in the middle of a fight means death."

Aski was watching him, listening as if nothing in the world mattered, "But, when it felt like things were finally reaching the end, I realized I might not live through it to the end of the war. So I talked to Heero one day, I told him that after the war was over I was going to take him with me to my favorite bar, that I was going to teach him how to be human and live in the real world, that I was going to try and help him live out the rest of this childhood we had. I thought…oh god! I thought I was better adjusted to living than he was. He went around feeling nothing and I went around feeling everything! I grew up on L2, I learned how to live on the streets, I thought I had a better grasp on the world than he did with…with how he was raised." Duo still found it hard to believe how wrong he'd been. It had crumbled his world a little more to find out all the guys were coping; all of them were living normal lives, all but him.

"So…" He pushed forward, not really wanting to speak the next words, not wanting to think about them at all, but the only way to get through this was to keep pushing forward. "So I picked a day and a time to meet him, after most of the hoopla had calmed down and they were finally starting to leave us to our own devices after honoring us in everyway they thought they could get away with. I was walking to meet him, it was late afternoon, I had planed on…I planned on getting drunk off my ass with Heero and dragging my ass home around dawn, both of us." Aski was solemn faced and kept her eyes on him, never wavering, never interrupting and he was grateful, this was something he couldn't even imagine ever telling the guys. Not Heero, not even ever understanding Quatre, he couldn't tell them, just couldn't.

"I was jumped on my way to the bar, I never even saw it coming." He said with disgust, "I was so giddy about going to meet Heero. They just hit me, and dragged me down that god forsaken alley. I didn't even know what was going on, my mind kept telling me the war was over and I couldn't hurt them, that they couldn't possibly be Oz." Duo found he had unconsciously wrapped his arms around himself and his shaking had gotten worse. "They got me to the ground and held me there before I finally thought to defend myself, and they just ripped off my cloths and started cutting. They burned and let me bleed, and carved and the whole time they were talking to me, jarring and I still can't remember what they said. I don't remember if they said why the attacked me, just went at it till I finally stopped fighting back. Do you know that I never even screamed for help?" Duo looked up at Aski and the horror filled his face. "If I had just gotten someone attention I could have saved myself from half of this! But I never made a sound."

Duo felt a scream building in his throat; he couldn't let it out, because if he did, he would never stop. He kept his mouth tightly shut while he tried to reign in that feeling, he couldn't start screaming here, he'd gotten this far, it was just a little more.

"Some one finally found me later, after they left me there, they called an ambulance, I don't even think I ever thanked them, I have no idea who it was. I can't even tell you if it was a man or a woman. They came and rushed me to the hospital and I remember thinking about Heero, sitting alone in that bar, waiting for me. I never apologized for that either." Duo felt the anger inside him building, it was deep seeded and always there, that repulsion and abhorrence he felt when he looked in mirrors. "They brought me back with blood transfusions and stitched me up. I looked like a bad horror movie when they were done. Something between Frankenstein's monster and a mummy."

Duo stopped, he found it difficult to breathe, for a minute he just tried to bring oxygen into his lungs while the doctor and Aski watched him, waiting. He was afraid he was going to have another attack now, but he couldn't let it take him away from this. If he stopped now he would never be able to finish, and he would never know then. Never know if she got the same looks, the way people stared or looked away, in fear and revulsion. Duo got his breathing under control and it wavered, but steadied with each full breath he took.

"I woke in the hospital wondering if anyone had told Heero where I was, wondering if he was still sitting there waiting for me. I had no idea how long I was out. But, a nurse came in a helped me to the bathroom. She waited for me outside and that was the first time I saw myself. In that stupid little room with those too bright lights and that smell that all hospitals have. I just looked up and I didn't even recognize myself. But it was my hair, and my eyes looking out of that terror. And my whole body was covered with it; I could feel every one of them." Duo looked up at Aski and wondered if she could ever really understand his feelings right then, they were two sides of the same coin, so alike and so different. Could she know what a horror it was that they were both scared for the rest of their lives?

"The nurse helped me back in bed and that was when I started to notice the looks. Everyone looking at me when they passed my room, they either stared or looked away quickly. They rushed past or lingered, even the nurses. Some of them wouldn't come into my room; they'd get someone else when I asked for help, someone who wasn't afraid or disgusted by me. Even the doctor looked at me with pity and was scared. I got myself out of there as quickly as I could. But of course they called Quatre, he's the emergency number on all my records, he'd been out of town on some official business but got back just in time to come in that last day. I was packing when he walked in," Duo remembered being ashamed at the hope that Quatre's voice had brought to him that day, before he'd turned around, "I let him sneak up on me, he was just standing in the door with those stupid flowers, but when I turned around I saw it on his face too. I didn't want it to be there, but who could blame him."

He'd known then, known that the look on Quatre's face right at that moment would be on everyone's face for the rest of his life. A life he'd stolen from others, and now he was just as ugly on the outside as he was on the inside.

"I rented a truck and just got away before I had to see that look on Heero's face." Duo finished. He couldn't go any further than that, he really didn't want to get into how he'd tried to live normally on that beach, without his friends, to go about his life, but how no matter where he went he was reminded of everything reflected back in everyone's eyes. How he'd begun to loath mirrors, how he'd smashed a window one day when he'd been thinking about Heero and had looked up to see those Scars taunting him. The pain was raw now, as real as it had been those first few days on his own. If he pushed anymore now it was all going to brake and shatter around him till he was cut up even more by the glass shards of his crushed life.

"But how did you know?" Aski's voice was harsh and sharp in the aftermath of his confession. He looked up at her, asking without speaking for her to elaborate, afraid that scream would escape if he opened his mouth.

"How did you know that Heero was going to react like everyone else? I saw him looking at you; he doesn't think you're ugly. He thinks you're beautiful." Aski reasoned. She may have been young, but she felt that she could at least recognize love when she saw it. She'd spent all those years watching her parts relish it on Joanna and not her, spent years yearning for it, always out of her reach.

"It was there!" Duo said in anger now, how could she doubt him? "He came after me, he made me show him, he looked at me and I saw it!" He was surprised to find that he was yelling now, and damn if it didn't feel good to finally be yelling at someone out loud and not silently at himself.

"Did you really see it, or did you see what you wanted to?" Dr. Draki finally spoke up. They both turned to him in surprise, as if forgetting that he'd been there all along, their silent spectator.

"I saw it in his eyes, his blue eyes, just like everyone else." Duo said and sank back into his chair in defeat. He felt washed out.

"I didn't see it." Aski muttered.

"Your time together is up, now it's time for the three of us to talk about this together. You've both heard each others stories and understand a little about what the other is feeling and what's brought you here today." Dr. Draki smiled gently at them, Duo thought he'd put gold stars on their shirts if he had them. "Duo, you need to really listen to what Aski is saying."

"Yeah!" Aski interrupted, "You're being stupid, I saw the way your friends look at you! They don't think you're ugly, they're worried about you, and they're sad that you look the way you do, but only because you're sad about it. It's sympathy because you feel so sorry for yourself, not disgust or horror or revulsion. They love you and want to help you, but you won't let them!" She looked as if she might get up and slap him, but she held her ground at her chair and kept a tight hold on the chairs arms. "I didn't want to let Joanna help me either, at first. I told her she should just leave me there to die and go on to collage. She's so smart! She can be anything she sets her mind too!"

Duo sneered at her, Aski sneered right back, "Do you know what she said to me? She said I was being stupid, that she loved me and if I was going to kill myself here that she was just going to go right on a follow me. That if she could be anything she wanted, why couldn't she be my guardian."

Duo didn't want to hear the words, he wanted them to be true, but some other part of him didn't believe he deserved any of this, that he didn't deserve Heero's love.

"Duo, you keep not hearing what people are telling you because you don't think you deserve any of this, you really think that you deserve to be back and alone in that apartment you told me about." Dr. Draki said gently, stopping Aski's tirade on him. "But you do deserve this, just as much as Aski or anyone else does. You need to learn to see that and accept it."

Duo didn't say anything, but listened and tried to reason with his twisted mind over all of this. If what they were saying was true than he'd messed up even bigger with those thrice damned pills. He'd made so many mistakes, but he was still here, and Heero still said he loved him; sill showed it, still slept with him every night and watched over him everyday. Quatre was still there, and Trowa; and Wu-Fei kept calling to check up on him, waiting for leave to come up and visit him.

If they were right and this was the way things were supposed to be, then he'd messed up so bad! He'd taken their love and shoved it back at them when he'd bought those pills from Melinda and he'd almost lost them all, lost Heero.

Duo couldn't keep the tears in and the scream escaped him, raw and ragged. He shoved his face into his hands and let the scream climb out of him till his throat hurt again and then he was swept up in strong, warm arms.

Duo's arms reached out and wrapped around Heero and help on for all he was worth. He screamed into Heero's chest and shook while his whole world stopped and rewound. He screamed till it felt as if his body fell away from him and something long buried and locked away inched out and blossomed in his chest.

Duo screamed till he couldn't any more and his sobs reduced themselves so nothing and he could hear Heero speaking softly to him, cradling him on the floor of the living room and rocking him. His voice was muttering small assuring nothings and promises to him, "its ok…I'm here…shhh, it's all right now."

Duo pushed away a little and Heero's arms relaxed enough to let him look around, but he didn't let go completely. Duo found that they were alone in the room.

"Where…?" Duo asked in a small voice, his throat sore now.

"Quatre is helping Dr. Draki put Aski down for her nap. She started crying too." Heero told him quietly.

"Is she ok?" Duo asked, surprised that he was so worried for her, she'd worked her way into his heart so easily.

"I think she's just on an emotional over load." Heero assured him, "She'll be fine after she sleeps a bit."

Duo nodded and leaned back in Heero's arms, accepting the comfort and warmth and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling he got there. He didn't remember ever feeling so safe before.

In length he finally pulled away and went to wash his face, slightly ashamed of his display, but everything felt so different now. He'd fallen, and Heero had been right there to catch him. He couldn't help smiling and returning to them where Heero promptly took his hand in his and held it, where it belonged. Quatre smiled at him and they shut the door quietly, Aski was dead asleep on a small futon set up under the windows she wanted, and clutching a stuffed animal that looked a little worse for wear.

Heero brought him to sit down on the couch, never letting go of his hand, but Duo was prone to leave it there himself, so he just smiled at the doctor.

"Is this step three?" He asked.

"Yes Duo, this is the part of the session where it's just the three of us." The doctor pulled out his watch and set his times. "Aski tends to sleep for about an hour and a half so we'll stop a little before then."

"I mean to ask you about that." Heero interrupted, and Duo was surprised, he'd been about to do the same thing.

"Oh?" Dr. Draki asked.

"How do you get her to take naps, is this something she does everyday?" Heero asked.

"Yes, after I took cutting away from Aski, her mind still had trouble and she became sleep deprived through her own means. Nightmares and adrenaline keep her awake at night so that she only ever gets a few hours at a time." Dr. Draki explained, "The only other time of the day when she is calm enough to rest is late in the afternoon. So she naps, perfectly happy to for she seldom has nightmares in the light of day. Its fear that keeps here awake at night a lot of the time."

"So how many hours is she getting a day?" Duo asked.

"Around five," The doctor said disappointment heavy in his voice. "I was hoping that number would improve after a while, but it seems we'll have to try something else now. But that's not your problem, don't worry about Aski, she's doing so much better, and with her sister Joanna helping, I have no doubt she'll be out of the hospital soon."

Duo couldn't help smiling at that, he could almost imagine her and her sister, who looked very alike in his mind, living in their condo, with Aski being home schooled and her sister taking college courses.

"Now, what I was hoping that would happen now is that you could tell Heero and Quatre a little of what you told Aski and me." Duo's smile was lost in his sudden trepidation.

"What?" He asked, unable to think of a more witty come back in the face of his sudden nervousness.

"You broke ground Duo, and I know how that makes me sound, but I really think you need to be able to say those things to Heero and your other friends." Dr. Draki's eyes had lost humor and were regarding him thoughtfully.

Duo's hand tightened on Heero's who tried to ease his sudden panic by running his thumb in unending circles on the back of his hand, but Duo just sat there grasping at him.

Dr. Draki sighed, seeing that it was too soon for Duo to be taking that step. "It's all right Duo, how about this instead, Heero and Quatre can talk while you listen."

"What about?" Heero asked cautiously.

"Any thing you want." Dr. Draki assured them. "I'm right here to help if you need it, but I really think communication between all of you is key."

"I'll start." Quatre suddenly ventured and Duo looked up in surprise. He'd been mostly quiet all day, as if stepping aside for Duo, but now he wanted in.

"Duo," He turned to his friend and Duo wanted to crack a smile at how this might look to an outsider, they could've filmed this and put it on any soap opera and it would fit right in. "I'm sorry that you are scared, and I'm even more sorry that you cannot look at yourself the same way you used to five years ago. I am here for you, for whatever you need, but I can't understand why you ran away. I guess I just want to say that, I think that was the wrong thing to do and I hope you never feel you have to run form us ever again. We love you, and those years weighed down on us, every minute of everyday. Wondering where you were, if you were ok, if you were safe. I know you after perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, you survived the war just like the rest of us, but don't ever do that again!" Quatre finished vehemently. "I was so worried about you, and then Heero found you and you were so lost, so hurt! You nearly drowned that one day and we didn't even know how close you'd come till later! You still had water in your lungs even when we finally found you! You could have caught pneumonia and died! You weren't taking care of yourself at all!"

Quatre looked close to tears, Duo wanted nothing more than to go over and hold him and comfort him the way Heero had done for him, but he didn't move, he let Quatre go on, let him say all the things he knew they'd been afraid to say since he'd come back with them. Afraid he would run again, it made him shameful and he felt his cheeks flush.

"Please, you have to know that we would never shun you for your looks! You taught us all right off the bat that looks could be so deceiving. You were one of our best pilots! You were a Gundam pilot! I still remember the way Heero and Wu-Fei regarded you when we all first meet each other, they didn't think much of you at all, but you just pushed forward and captured our hearts! Don't lose that! Don't lose yourself to this!"

Quatre did cry then and Heero let him go so he could go to Quatre's side and hold him. It had been so long since he'd embraced Quatre, he'd almost forgot how good it felt to hug the little blonde who fit under his chin and shook with tears till his huge heart was full to bursting.

"I'm sorry, I didn't even know how lost I was till you two came and found me! Quatre, it's ok, it's not too late, and you found me in time. I'm right here!" Duo spoke quietly into his hair, his hands running down Quatre's back. He wished a little that Trowa were here for his partner's sake, but he supposed Quatre's surrogate big brother was just going to have to do his best without.

Duo held Quatre until the tears stopped and he calmed down enough to sit back. Duo coaxed a smile out of him eventually and felt better about going back and sitting next to Heero. Then the quiet filled the room and everyone seemed to be expecting something, but when Duo looked up, it was Heero they were looking at.

Duo turned to him something akin to butterflies but sharper whipping around inside him. It was Heero's turn now, it felt a bit like they were all taking their turns to take blows at him, but he had to forcibly push that thought aside, knowing that wasn't what they were doing.

Heero suppressed a sigh, he felt a little of that same assault on Duo and was loath to join in, but he himself could not pass up this opportunity when Duo seemed to be both listening and understanding. Before now it was as if Duo was just drifting from day to day, but now it was like he'd stopped and looked around. Now that he had Duo's ear, he found that he didn't want to lose it, more than anything he loved Duo and wanted him happy. He would continue to love his little braided one with the elfish face and the amethyst eyes not matter what, but he missed the Duo he'd fallen in love with all those years ago and knew that that was when Duo had been the happiest.

"Duo…" He started and faltered.

Duo took his hand again and Heero looked up into those shockingly purple eyes. "It's ok Heero, just say it." Heero felt relief flood him, he was really talking to Duo now, and he was really there, looking back at him.

"I've missed you." Heero hadn't really meant to say that, but Duo understood the words for their true meaning. "I missed you so much; you were so far away from me, even when you were right here. I couldn't reach you and you were slipping away, you were…" Dieing. Heero couldn't bring himself to say it, but Duo heard the words anyway.

"And those pills, you said you only wanted to get better, but you couldn't even see how they were hurting you." Heero wouldn't cry, not in front of Quatre or the doctor, but Duo somehow felt all the emotions behind Heero's voice and it was as if, just to him, Heero was crying. It felt like someone had just taken his heart and shoved it, still beating, into a broken generator.

"I love you so damned much. You…you can't leave me again. I keep losing you and I can't… I just can't." Heero gripped Duo's hand hard and would have had his arms around that lithe body if only everyone would just disappear!

"I'm sorry." Duo whispered in the face of Heero's words, he couldn't think of anything else, but a part of him soared at Heero's words, even though he knew he shouldn't, Heero loved him, couldn't lose him, he needed him just as much as Duo needed Heero!

"Don't ever disappear like that again! Stay with me," And Heero seemed to forget the people around him for a moment because his next words were not something he would have had anyone else hear, "Stay with me, forever, We can get a house, a cat, we can fight about whose turn it is to cook dinner, it'll have a computer room just for you, just don't ever leave me!"

Duo was so hungry, so eager to hold onto those words, it was more than he'd ever even thought to hope for. More than he deserved. But Heero Yuy wanted a home, not a house, a home…with him! He wanted all those normal things that Duo had only ever glimpsed on TV or in other peoples houses while he was no some mission. He wanted the life they'd all been promised but didn't seem to be able to grasp.

Tears fell down Duo's face for the both of them, he didn't sob, just cried quietly and looked back at Heero who seemed to be waiting, waiting for Duo's answer, waiting with his heart held out, slightly broken, but full of love for him.

"I want that too." Duo said his voice thick with tears.

They didn't embrace as Duo and Quatre had, they merely held hands, grounding themselves, but refraining form any uncomfortable displays in front of the doctor and Quatre. Heero did move his leg so that it touched Duo's, a straight line from hip to ankle, and Duo felt the promise of more for later, when there weren't any eyes on them.

Dr. Draki smiled at them, Quatre beamed and held back tears of a different kind this time, and Duo felt himself blushing to the roots of his bangs. He absently played with the end of his braid with his other hand, finding the carpet particularly interesting.

"Well, Aski will be waking soon." Duo looked up in surprise, had that much time really gone by, with just them talking? "I wonder if I might trouble you and stay for an afternoon snack?" Dr. Draki asked Quatre.

"Of course!" Quatre beamed, he was up and calling for Gill while Heero and Duo smiled at each other. Quatre loved large meals with lots of people, always had. Duo could just imagine him as the hostess with Trowa standing in a corner trying not to get swept away in the river of caterers and party planners.

"Duo," Dr. Draki called him back to look at him. "What you have here, you more than deserve, and your friends have proved over and over again that your fears are groundless. Don't ever lose yourself like that again because you think you're unworthy." He turned to Heero, "And I expect you to remind him everyday."

Heero nodded solemnly as if to say that he didn't need telling, he'd already planned to do just that.

Aski wondered in, doe eyed with tousled hair. She had the stuffed animal tucked up under one arm and smiled at Duo. She glanced down at his hand grasped in Duo's and said, "Told you he loved you."

Quatre had Gill bring out sandwiches and chips for them, and they all sat around one corner of that impossibly big table. Duo nibbled a little at his sandwich, he wasn't feeling very hungry, even though he should be ravenous after such an exhausting day.

Aski tore into her portions; she talked avidly to both Heero and Quatre. Duo tried to join in whenever the conversation moved to include him, but he couldn't seem to keep it going without someone helping. The only one who noticed was Heero, Duo was a very good actor, and Heero could remember him smoothing the toughest situations over with just short words and a smile. It was no wonder Quatre and Dr. Draki didn't notice with Aski dominating the table, but Heero found himself tuned into Duo's every move, every breath and every change his eyes made. It had become second nature to him again now that Duo was back with them. He used to do it during the war, secretly. He'd watch Duo and try to put some puzzle together in his mind that made sense, but every time he'd thought he'd had a good grasp, something Duo would do would make it slide out of his reach again.

But now, Now Heero could see Duo forcing it, could see the wariness behind his mask, and the utter exhaustion. He wanted to make everyone leave and go and put Duo to bed, but he wasn't sure how well that would go over, he had a feeling that Duo wasn't going to let him make all his decision for him anymore. It seemed as if something was shifting inside of him, and this current Duo, the one that let him take charge, the one that hid and let himself be pushed, was about to disappear. It was a good thing, but a part of Heero was whispering little reminders about how good it had felt to be taking care of Duo, even through the pills, even after, through the withdrawal.

"Duo?" Dr. Draki called them both back "Do you want to continue our once a week sessions?"

Duo was stunned in the face of such a sudden question. He didn't know how to answer, more than anything he wanted all of this to be done and over with, to forget he'd ever been dumb enough to buy black market pills, but he'd come to rely on the doctor so much. And he'd just meet Aski; he wanted to make sure she made it through just as well as he did.

"We won't be stopping, not by a long shot, maybe just move them down to once every two weeks, and you can still call me anytime." Dr. Draki assured him, seeing the contemplation behind Duo's eyes.

"It's all right to say no Duo, you can ask for what you want." Duo felt some of the tension leave his back, without the pressure there it actually did sound like an ok idea.

Duo nodded, and then realized they probably didn't know what he was nodding to and said, "Two weeks sounds good."

Dr. Draki smiled and Aski gave him thumbs up and a wink. Heero and Quatre were beaming at him and Duo had to duck behind his bangs before they sat there and watched him turn a most interesting shade of red.

Dr. Draki left with Aski in tow, who was loath to leave Duo and the others, she wanted to talk to Duo about his scars, but Dr. Draki told her it was enough, and had to promise that he'd arrange another group session when he thought they were ready to get her to willingly leave with him.

"Bye Duo!" Aski called out the window and Duo was ashamed that he was glad not to have to talk to her anymore tonight and waved exuberantly after her.

When they were gone from sight, Duo trudged back in and just stood in the entrance hall for a few minutes, staring blankly at nothing.

"Are you hungry Duo?" Quatre asked gently. Duo looked up confused, "I know we just ate, but you really didn't eat that much, and neither did Heero or I, it was more for Dr. Draki and Aski who have a few hours a head of them before they're back at the hospital."

Duo thought about it, a part of him was hungry, but the rest of him was just ignoring it, telling Duo that he had more important things to think about. "I guess." He admitted.

"I'll tell Gill." Quatre smiled and walked off.

Heero came up on Duo's side, hesitant, but impending all the same. "Are you ok Duo?" He asked gently.

"I'm fine." Duo answered automatically.

"No you're not, something's bothering you." Heero admonished.

Duo cringed, was he really that damn readable? Anger grew inside, was he completely unable to hide anything anymore, from anyone? Aski was able to read him and he'd never even spoken to her before!

Duo pushed away from Heero, he needed time to think, he needed to mull this over, something was wrong here. Really wrong, and he couldn't figure it out, or why he hadn't noticed before.

"Duo…" Heero started but Duo flashed his eyes at Heero and stalked off.

Heero was at a loss, Duo had made a break through of some kind today, but now he was closing off in a way Heero remembered from the war, after some rather ghastly battles, and that wasn't good. Duo should be resting, should be relaxing now that it was all over, but he seemed more wound up than ever.

Duo strode out of the room and towards the back of the mansion, there was a covered porch there that Duo didn't care much for, but he went there now. There was one of those swings that was really just a bench suspended in the air instead of sitting no the ground, and Duo sat there. It was chilly now and Duo realized he hadn't put his sweater back on after Aski had told him to take it off.

He sat there and stared out into the growing dark, it was falling, and Duo remembered when he'd first come to Earth and he'd finally understood what all those books Sister Helen had read to him so long ago had meant about night falling. Night didn't fall on L2, it just was. Thinking about it Duo remembered how enchanting Earth had been back then, how everything had amazed him, how he never wanted to lose that feeling, that awe. When had everything started to hurt? When had Earth gone from being enchanting to just painful?

The ocean, the sun, the rain, it all hurt so much. Had it been before the scars or after, had it been during the war? He couldn't remember; everything he thought about led back to that alley. Back to that moment when he'd seen that look on Quatre's face and knew he couldn't, just plain couldn't ever see that look on Heero's face.

Except…

Except that he had. He'd seen that look, that pity, that sorrow, that disgust. But it hadn't been disgust at him; it's been anger towards them. Those drunken civilians, those long gone, faces forgotten, lost to time idiots that had lucked out and gotten he drop on him. If he really thought about it, he'd seen the look on Heero's face, the look he'd dreaded, the look he saw on everyone else's face where ever he went, and now it was gone. It had been there for one fleeting moment, one horrible, terrifying moment in a dank apartment, thousands of miles away and belonging to someone else now, and then it had vanished.

Heero had come back, had come back with Quatre, they had come back for him and taken him away from those dark rooms full of shattered glass and whisked him away to…this place.

But what was this place? A sanctuary? A clinic? A hidey-hole? A safe house? That one hit Duo hard, hit him and then kicked him when he was down. Duo shoved his hands into his hair and rested his elbows on his knees. His braid fought till strands fell around his face, free of his hair tie and he imagined he looked like he' just come through a meat grinder.

He was still sitting like that when Heero came to get him for dinner.

"Duo?" Heero asked quietly, Duo jerked but didn't move.

"Duo, love, are you ok?" Duo flinched, that wasn't Heero, couldn't be, Heero didn't use pet names or endearments. When had his world been flipped around so badly? When did he become this person who lived out these feeble existence and the expense of those around him only to throw it back in their faces with a sorry excuse for a half-assed suicide attempt.

"Duo…" Heero started to reach out for him, Duo couldn't remember when he'd gotten so close, hadn't he just been standing in the doorway?

Duo stood up really fast and stared past Heero, out into the dark, his answers weren't there, but maybe the right questions were.

"I'm fine." Duo barked out automatically and tore his eyes away from his frantic search, "Dinner's ready then?"

Heero looked like he wanted to sit Duo back down and stay there until Duo had spilled everything, but he only nodded.

"Great!" Duo rushed past him and retreated inside. Heero held back a sigh and just followed.

Duo plastered a smile to his face and went to sit at 'his seat' at the table. He stared down at the food and then grinned up at Quatre, a mask of elation. It was one of Duo's favorite dishes, A hearty stew and corn bread, something he'd learned to love when they'd been at a safe house oh so long ago. But inside Duo could feel it twisting in his gut even more, safe house, that's what this was, a time for recovery between missions, between leaving and maybe not ever coming back.

Duo sat and tried to force down the food, he heard Heero asking Quatre about Trowa who had apparently gotten a phone call while he'd been out on the porch and tried to think of something to say that would put him in this conversation, that would assure Heero he was fine, that would bring him back to himself instead of this out of body feeling he'd been having ever since the day had started, ever since he'd gone and done the one thing he never would have thought he'd ever do. Ever since he ran away.

Heero and Quatre jerked towards Duo in surprise as he ran the fork in his hand into the table with a loud thunk that shook the whole thing and rattled the dishes.

"Duo…?" Quatre called in a tiny voice that almost didn't carry in the big room. Duo began to visibly shake and both Heero and Quatre were up and at his side in a moment.

He looked up at them, tears in his eyes, but not falling, pain on his face, but nothing coming out of his mouth.

"I…I…" Duo tried, had to stop, breathe and try again, "I don't remember." He fairly wailed.

"Don't remember what, Duo?" Quatre asked his voice calm and comforting.

"Anything!" Duo practically yelled. "I don't remember when I stopped being me!"

Heero pushed the chair back and pulled Duo up against him so that Duo's arms wound tight round his waist and he burring his face into Heero's body, his voice still coming, slightly muffled.

"I don't remember when I stopped smiling, I don't remember when I started hiding so damn much, I don't remember how to laugh, I just don't fucking remember!"

"Oh Duo!" Quatre's heart broke, "I remember, and so does Heero, we all remember! Just please, please let us help you! Please!"

Duo numbly nodded into Heero's body and Heero felt everything slide off his shoulders, it was as if everything suddenly became brighter and clear. His heart broke and pulled itself back together instantly. This was what he'd been waiting for all along, this was what Duo needed, to finally let go, to let go of what he'd become and remember who he was.

Heero spent the next few hours making sure Duo ate a little more, calmed down and got a shower. He helped Duo get his hair brushed out and loosely braided so I was out of the way, but would dry. Duo climbed into bed in his black boxers and Heero turned off the light and got in on the other side. He began to tuck Duo in against his chest, the way that had been sleeping every night. But tonight, Duo found that he didn't drift off right away, his head was swimming around, buzzing with everything that he'd heard today. His voice reached out in the dark, small, but Heero heard it.

"Did you mean what you said today?"

"About what?" Heero's voice was equally as soft, as if they were afraid to break something in this darkness that would take this moment away.

"When you said you wanted us to have a house." Duo felt his lip trembling, but bit down on it in an effort not to spoil this.

"I mean every word. I want it all, the cat, the fights, the computer room, everything." Heero said gruffly in his ear and it sent a shiver down Duo's back. He turned himself around and kissed Heero, long and deep.

Heero kissed him back hungrily, kissed him as if he would drink him in right there, as a starving man would his first drink in years. Duo moaned underneath him and his hands came up and his fingers delved into Heero's hair, taking hold and pulling him down till their bodies entangled with each other.

Duo drew back with a shuddering gasp, he closed his eyes and savored the taste of Heero on his tongue. "Oh, gods! I've wanted to do that for so long!"

Heero stared down at Duo as if he would memorize every inch of him, even if he already had. He asked a question with his eyes, need and hunger plain in his gaze.

Duo relinquished and raised his face for more. Heero ravished his mouth, and when that wasn't enough, he began to trail hot kisses down his face to his neck and collar bone. Duo shivered as Heero's hot tongue lapped at his scars, not ignoring them, but dancing along his skin as if they weren't event here. He was surprised at how quickly this passion was ignited inside him, though Heero seemed half starved with his need to touch him. Each touch brought Duo closer to something, but still leaving him hungry for more.

"Please….please!" Duo gasped, not even sure what he was asking. He held tightly to Heero and shoved himself as close as he could get to Heero with his boxers still on and Heero in pajama bottoms.

Heero paused and rose up to look down at him. Duo looked up and he felt it like something settled in his mind, a light came on and all that. He just knew at that moment and looked up at Heero and said, softly, "Make love to me?"

"Whenever, wherever." Heero put everything he had into those two words, ever promise he could make, every moment since he'd realized he loved this man and couldn't touch him, all the love he felt now and forever.

Duo brought him down and their lips locked. Heero's hands came up, almost hesitantly, but when Duo's body responded eagerly beneath him, he became bold and soon they had both lost the last of their cloths and were finally skin to skin. There was an almost collected breath of relief from both of them, but it was short lived in the presence of this new hunger. Heero nibbled along Duo's skin as Duo explored his body with tight muscles under surprisingly soft skin. Duo moaned and gasped as Heero took his tongue and danced around his nipples and down his stomach.

Heero found Duo's braid and stole the hair tie away from it, he ran his hands through the damp, chestnut silk till Duo's hair lay around them in small waves and he could feel it rubbing against him. His cock hardened to the point of aching and as Duo's hand suddenly wrapped itself around him, it was all he could do not to cum right then.

"Oh, gods! Don't move, don't move or I won't last." Heero begged, Duo smiled wickedly at this new found power, but held still, just relishing in the feel of Heero beneath his fingers, velvet softness around a pulsating hardness that felt so good.

He waited till Heero looked down at him again, fire burned in Heero's eyes and he growled low in his throat so that Duo shivered and was forced to let go of him so that Heero could swing his legs up and around his waist.

Duo shivered as Heero produced lube from somewhere and readied his entrance.

"Duo, love…?" Heero asked once more, and Duo thought he might scream.

"Please, oh gods, if you don't fuck me right now I'm going to have to kill something!" Duo begged and was rewarded when Heero began to work himself inside him. Duo cringed at first, pain coming sharp and he felt fear for not being able to take in Heero.

But Heero just moaned and hissed through his teeth. "So tight…so hot."

He sheathed himself completely inside Duo and they paused as Duo adjusted and wriggled till he encompassed Heero comfortably. Heero kissed Duo fiercely and deep amethyst eyes stared back, love and shock shown out of Duo's face, he'd never felt this before. Safe and completed at the same time as he felt such hunger and possessiveness.

"Wanted you for so long!" Heero ground out as he started up a rhythm.

"Should have said so sooner!" Duo gasped at the feel of Heero moving steadily inside him.

"Gods! Don't you ever leave me again!" Heero cried as he reached out and encompassed Duo's own erection with his hand and began to pump.

"Never!" Duo promised as he felt his climax building. He held onto Heero for all he was worth as everything around them pitched and turned.

Heero cried out as he came and the feel of his hot seed deep inside him was all it took to send Duo over and he shot into Heero's hand and over their bellies.

Heero stayed inside Duo, holding tightly to him and kissing him again, delving into his mouth and loving the feel of Duo's legs still wrapped tightly around him.

"Thank you." Duo whispered and surprised a chuckle out of him.

"You're so beautiful." Heero whispered huskily into Duo's ear and the look on his face as he looked down at his lover was the greatest gift he could have ever given him.

Duo cried a little after that and Heero just held him, whispering softly to him until he began to drift towards sleep. He left the bed long enough to get them both clean and then wrapped Duo up in his arms as Duo finally gave in.

"Love you!" Heero whispered as he kissed Duo lightly on the forehead.

"Always and forever." Duo promised sleepily and then was gone from the world into blessed sleep.

Heero waited a while, watching Duo, before he allowed himself to drift off as well. And that night, Duo didn't have any nightmares and slept clean through the night without and trouble breathing. In the morning his hands still shook, but Heero kissed away all his worry over it and they slept away half the day in each others arms. Content.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: Believe me when I tell you that I am making no money off of this! I so do not own Gundam Wing! This is a fanfiction.

Yaye, another chapter. BTW, be sure to check out myspace for Raylie Knight, or, if it's easier, look for I'm posting info about upcoming chapters, new stories, 1X2 art I find poking around the net and I even post corrections, like the mistake I made with Trowa in Ch. 15. Oops.

Go have a look!

Warning: Mature Content male/male sex

Scars

Part Sixteen: Accepting

"Wu Fei's coming!?" The piece of scrambled egg on Duo's fork dropped back onto the plate with a little jiggle as he stared across the table at Quatre who smiled back a little hesitantly but earnestly.

"Trowa is going to meet him half way when he changes plane and they'll be here day after tomorrow." Quatre searched Duo's eyes, trying to gauge his mood and failing, Duo was simply shocked at this point and still trying to wrap his mind around what Quatre was saying.

"Wu Fei is coming!? Here!?" Duo asked again, earning a slight grin from Quatre.

"Calm down Duo, you knew he'd get here eventually, he's been calling a lot, waiting for his leave to come up and visit." Quatre smiled at him, almost as one would to a child who was shocked that their next dentist visit had come again so soon.

Heero reached over and took the fork from Duo's hand and put it gently on his plate. Duo turned to him, his shock carrying over from one set of blue eyes to another.

"Here?" He asked Heero, as if waiting for Heero to tell him that the monster under his bed wasn't real and that it was safe to fall back asleep.

Heero tried to smile reassuringly, "He's been worried about you too Duo, and I'm afraid that he hasn't really been taking our word on how well you're doing now." A bit of pride leaked through that one. Heero patted Duo's hand.

"Ok, so Wu Fei is coming, coming here," Heero nodded, "Day after tomorrow." Quatre nodded when Duo's eyes came back round to him. "Ok. Cool, I haven't seen him in forever." Duo called up a smile, he really had missed Wu Fei, it was just such a shock to have this visit suddenly thrown at him. Wu Fei sparred with him, they could trade off insults till the wee hours of the morning, and Duo had missed that. Though he was surprised just how much he'd missed it and hadn't realized it till that moment.

Duo finished his breakfast quickly and went to go change shirts so he could go out and work with Heero in the garage. He'd pulled on jeans this morning, but had grabbed a different shirt than the one he'd actually wanted in his rush to follow his nose downstairs and to breakfast. Duo pulled the red shirt off over his head, it had a black stripe all along the seams, the one he'd wanted was the same color, but already torn in some places and grease stained.

Duo dug for it in his closet and then walked over to the bathroom to wash his face from breakfast. He jerked to a stop in the doorway and just stared back at the mirror. Terror filled him as he stared back at his own violet eyes staring back out at him from that face and he nearly fell were it not for his hand on the doorframe. Duo stood there for a full minute before his mind finally forced him to remember that he'd taken the cover off that mirror himself.

Duo took a steadying breath and then another till his legs were solid beneath him and lost the promise of failure with his first step. Duo forced himself to look back in that mirror and see past the scars and the fear.

"I'm not ashamed of you." He told his reflection, and Duo could almost swear he saw it wink back at him. Duo smiled and washed his face. He could do this, he hadn't look in a mirror in so long, it was just a matter of remembering that it was ok now. Heero had him now, Heero didn't care, so neither would he.

Besides, why should he care, if he could defuse or build bombs, dismantle every weapon known to man, and hack his way into any system, no one should really be lookin' at his scars. His scars had nothing to do with his ability with cars or his love for Heero, it didn't mean a thing to his friends and they didn't make him permanently handicapped in anyway, he was lucky. A little marked up, but damn healthy for living through a war as a terrorist! Everyone had scars, his just looked a little worse, it didn't really mean anything.

Still, a small part of him still shook its head and whispered to him late at night or when he caught himself in the mirror, _yeah_, _keep telling yourself that buddy_.

Duo dashed out of the room and away from the mirror, though he would never admit to it, the thing still creeped him out after so many years of avoiding it like the plagues of L2. He bounded down the stairs and wound through the many rooms till he broke out into the light rain and then into the garage.

"It will be fine." Heero said again as he followed Duo's lagging steps up the stairs after dinner. Duo was thoroughly washed out from delving down in the cars engine that day, but it didn't keep him from worrying, and Heero could see the muscles tensing between his shoulder blades till he had his own worries about Duo straining something from the tension.

"Yeah, I know." Duo mumbled as he pushed himself into the room that they now shared, Heero's cloths moved in right next to his and his own lap top sitting next to Duo's. Duo knew that Wu Fei wouldn't scorn him; he would be as accepting as the rest of them had, as Heero had, but something in him still squirmed at the thought of Wu Fei seeing his scars, a part of him knew that Wu Fei would see the weakness of it. Maybe that's what had Duo all tied up in knots, the pure fact that Wu Fei did not abide weakness, he sneered at it and dismissed it. Would he dismiss Duo?

Attacked in a time of peace was not something that should have happened to a Gundam pilot, and even if it had, Duo should never have let it go as far as it did. Duo felt the guilt and self loathing churning in his stomach and making him queasy. His dinner felt like something cold and slimy now, instead of the warm and comforting meal it had been just minutes ago.

Duo felt Heero's arms come round his waist from behind, they were warm, almost hot and Duo realized he was shivering. He'd taken off his shirt and stood in only jeans, Heero had already changed into his pajama bottoms and now he just stood with his face buried in Duo's neck and held him tightly. Duo relaxed his muscled and allowed himself to lean back into his lover's arms and the warmth they offered.

"Wu Fei is not so foolish as to believe that you let this happen, he will see past it, as we all do. You will not find scorn in his eyes." Heero assured him. Duo could almost hear the words forming in Wu Fei's voice and he guessed that had been Heero's intentions. Duo nodded and pushed away, he stripped away his jeans and crawled into bed. He snuggled down as Heero made a last trip to the bathroom and then joined him.

Heero was slightly put off, now that Duo had begun to get a sense of himself again, he was also more reluctant to accept the support and help that Heero offered him. He was coming back into himself more and more lately, and it showed in the way he pushed to do things on his own and in the way he was going round about finding his anger again.

Heero remembered the way that Duo and Wu Fei would argue, the way Duo would jump to defend Quatre, the way he used to yell at himself when things got strained or he had thought Heero was being an asshole. Duo was still tentative to act on that anger, still inclined to turn it inward and attack himself, but he was getting braver all the time. He hadn't come round to yell at Heero or Quatre yet, but Heero could see it sometimes, trying to surface when they started to hover a bit too much.

Heero didn't like the return of that anger, but knew how big a part of Duo it had been, was. And he knew that when it came round fully that he would accept it as part of Duo, just as Duo accepted the parts of him that were less than likeable.

Still, as Heero reached out and pulled Duo tightly to him, he knew that some things would stay. The way Duo fit against him in sleep, the way Duo looked to him first in those times of need when even he knew he couldn't go on without help, and the little touches. The little touches that Heero had always envied of Quatre and Trowa, the little touches of two people in love. The little touches of hands or hips, or shoulders that only needed a little push of effort for contact, the little touches that he never wanted to go another day without.

Duo sighed and his body finally fully relaxed back into Heero's and he started winding down from the day and he realized how tired he really was. Heero held him tightly a minute more and then let his arm relax and he just lay there and breathed in Duo's scent. He lay in the warmth of their two bodies and listened to the steady beat of Duo's heart and the light sound of his breathing. He fell asleep listening to Duo and knew that things were changing, but they were deffinently changing for the better.

The next day of waiting was as bad, if not worse, than that whole week of waiting for Aski shoved into those twenty four hours. Duo was on edge all day, from the moment he woke up. He barely ate anything, scarcely handling what food Heero did manage to get him to eat. Duo just kept stopping through out the day and thinking. To the untrained eye, he looked spacey and absent minded, to Heero and Quatre, he looked worried and tense.

Quatre tried to reassure him all day, but the words seemed to float right over Duo and he only responded when Heero would walk up and gently place his hand at the small of Duo's back and give him a slight push back into what he was doing.

Heero would have taken them into the garage to distract Duo with the car if he hadn't been so afraid that Duo would stop and worry in the middle of some task that would get him injured. So he kept Duo distracted in other ways, he found the Rank left in their room that had somehow floated under their bed and made Duo help him fix it. Duo seemed surprised by the little machine, as if he'd forgotten its existence completely and didn't know what he was trying to fix at times.

At the end of the day Heero was wondering how Duo was going to get any sleep but was surprised when Duo walked right into the shower with him. Heero balked at first, caught off guard at suddenly having Duo naked before him under the steamy spray of water.

"Duo!" Heero thought briefly of turning off the water and making Duo sit down to talk about this, but a good look at him suddenly found Duo as calm as he'd been all day and Heero couldn't bring himself to ruin that.

"Can I…was your hair?" Duo asked, a blush creeping up on him, though hard to tell from the way his skin reddened from the temperature of the water. Heero nodded and let Duo pour out a small amount of shampoo and then work it into lather in Heero's hair. The whole thing was strangely intimate and exotic at the same time. The feel of Duo's long fingers running thorough his hair and massaging his scalp had goosebumps playing along Heero's skin, even under the hot spray.

As Duo helped Heero rinse the last of the suds from Heero's hair, Heero reached around and stole the tie from Duo's braid. Duo turned deafly and let Heero work out the long fall of chestnut turned chocolate before he began a slow process of washing Duo's hair in return. By the time they got round to rinsing Duo's long hair out, Heero was painfully aroused and noticed that Duo was also straining against his own erection.

Heero guided Duo to press his hands against the walls of the shower and bow his head under the water, and as the shampoo rinsed from Duo's hair, Heero used the soap to lather himself and then ready Duo's entrance. Duo's need was palpable as he raised his ass eagerly with a curve of his back and pushed against Heero's readying fingers. Heero was hesitant to answer that need, worried that Duo was reaching for it for the wrong reasons, but the sound of pleading that escaped Duo's lips when Heero began to pull back was something he couldn't leave unanswered.

Heero gently worked himself in and was surprised when Duo pushed back and impaled himself on Heero till there was a sharp slap of skin meeting skin and Heero was completely sheathed inside Duo. Heero hissed, as much at Duo's sudden move as to the sudden hot, tightness around him. Duo moaned and the pads of his hands went white from the pressure of him pushing against the shower walls in pleasure.

"Please Heero…please!" Duo begged as Heero stayed still inside him, and at his bidding, Heero began to work up a slow rhythm.

Duo met him, thrust for thrust, he tilted his head back and let the water spray his face and wash away all the tension of the day as his lover moved inside of him. Everything fell so perfect in that one moment; he didn't ever want to leave that place. He ached with emptiness and loneliness when Heero left him. In truth, if he thought about it, he'd been yearning for this all day, ever present under his constant worry over the day to come.

Heero reached round, grabbing hold of Duo in a tight sheath made by his hand, bringing Duo back from wherever he'd been dwelling. Duo gasped and his body squeezed round Heero and made Heero gasp in turn.

"Oh gods!" Duo gasped and Heero began to pump him in time with his thrusts. Duo came hard against the shower wall and Heero not long after that deep inside him with one last thrust. Duo strove to stay standing on wobbly legs, willing Heero not to leave him so soon.

Heero kept himself standing, though it took some effort, he braced himself against the wall and waited till he was sure he could manage without slipping on the wet, slick surface all around them. He helped Duo clean up, and he made sure they were both done before he reached round and turned off the water.

He had them both wrapped in large, fluffy towels before he opened the door and turned down the sheets on their bed. Duo stood aside, wrapping his arms around himself as he waited. His hair hung round him, still the dark chocolate color it turned when it was wet. Heero held out his hand and Duo moved silently into his arms, Heero kissed him lightly and then sat him on the bed.

He fetched a brush from the bathroom and then methodically brushed out Duo's hair and then braided it loosely. Duo let the towel fall to the flood next to the bed and crawled in under the covers and watched with half lidded eyes as Heero tuned off the light, dropped his own towel and crawled in with Duo.

"I love you." Duo ventured into the dark, snuggling down into Heero's arms, his need for touch sated while he was encircled by his lover.

"I love you, my everything." Heero whispered back as he brought Duo close and let his own eyes drift close.

Wu Fei and Trowa did not arrive till the late afternoon. A car was sent for them just after lunch and Duo watched it leave in trepidation. He pushed away from the window and went to curl up on the over stuffed love seat in Quatre's living room, he shoved himself into the corner and tucked his feet up underneath him and pulled his hands back into his long sleeves. He waited there till he heard the approach of the car again and then froze.

Heero came down from wherever he'd been with Quatre, Duo suspected that room for photo developing, and looked at Duo curled up on the couch in surprise. Duo saw the look of guilt ghost over his face before he pushed it away. Heero felt guilty for leaving him down there alone, thinking that Duo would find something to distract himself with, and Duo had just sat and done nothing all that time but worry and had turned all his thoughts inward.

Duo tried to give him a smile, knowing it didn't measure up to par, but at least Heero would understand that it wasn't his fault and that Duo would have done all that anyway. Duo stood on shaky legs and followed Heero and Quatre to the front door.

Duo smiled as Quatre threw open the door, despite the cold air of the drizzle, and could barely stand still while Trowa marched up with a small duffle bag clutched in one hand. Quatre threw himself into Trowa's arms just as the tall man breached the threshold and dropped his bag next to the door.

Wu Fei's appearance from behind Trowa was a shock, though Duo knew he was there, knew with every fiber of his being, none the less, to actually see Wu Fei step out from behind Trowa tangled up with Quatre and walk further into the foyer made Duo's gut lurch painfully.

Wu Fei stood taller than he had five years ago when Duo had last seen him; his hair was longer now, but still pulled back severely with a tie at the base of his head. He was wearing black Dockers with a white button down shirt under a heavy Preventor's coat. He had his own bag in his hand, slightly bigger than Trowa's and he surveyed Duo as soon as he saw him.

Duo was painfully aware of his black jeans, his socked feet, his over large sweater tucked over his hands and his conscious effort to use shadows to his advantage to hid some of his more sever scars on his face.

"H-Hey Wu Fei, how was the trip?" Duo asked, not likening the stutter he'd started with, but pushing ahead in earnest. He watched Wu Fei's eyes go dark and narrow at him and then whip over to Heero.

"What is the meaning of this Heero!? You told me Maxwell was healing, that he was 'doing better'!" Wu Fei's suddenly forgot him completely and in place of Duo's shock, anger came quickly bidden and made Duo snap.

"Fuck You Chang! I am doing better! You want fucking healing, let's carve up your face a bit then push you out onto a playground and see how you fare out among the kiddies!!!" Duo wasn't sure where in the hell that had come from, maybe it had been building up all day in his gut, in preparation for a rejection he'd half been expecting, but when he heard Quatre's gasp and saw the horror on Heero's face, he knew he'd gone too far. But the anger felt so good, it washed though him cleanly and thoroughly and left him still standing there, seething, but smiling like a maniac.

The silence stood as everyone seemed to be wondering what to do when Wu Fei suddenly let out a full throated laugh that caught everyone off guard. Duo's face faltered and he just stood there and stared at Wu Fei, unsure of what to do now.

"Very well Maxwell, I will concede that you are doing better, but you look like a god damned scare crow. You're thin as a rail, you have circles under your eyes that look like they were tattooed there and I was told that you were back to wearing t-shirt instead of sweaters." Duo felt as if he would contentiously combust from the blush that over took him; sure that he had just set a record for human color change.

Duo mumbled something of an apology and simply walked away to ditch his sweater. He fetched a black t-shirt from his room with a decal of a smiley face on the front in red. The face grinned manically and had little horns, it proclaimed in large letters, "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself".

Duo joined the other four pilots, quite aware that this was the first time they'd all been together in years and found them sitting down in that sprawl of overstuffed furniture. Duo smiled, unsure as to why, but made a bee line for Heero and sat on the arm of the chair Heero had picked.

Wu Fei spared them a glance that seemed to generate approval and then continued talking to Heero. "I caught the man just outside of town on the highway, he was brought down by Dennison, he has a good eye."

Heero nodded, Duo realized they were talking about the case Wu Fei had been on just before he got his leave.

"What did he do?" Duo asked, and flinched only slightly when Wu Fei's dark eyes came around to look at him. "He's been caught once before for assault with a knife, Heero arrested him the first time." Duo looked to Heero to see the dark frown that confirmed it, "He was granted parole only to go out and rob a convenience store, but this time he killed the clerk and the three customers in there at the time. Gruesome, William Karnage is a sick man and we had psychiatric take the case this time."

Duo shuddered; he could only guess what a man could do to four people that would have Wu Fei using the word 'gruesome'.

Quatre moved them all on from the subject by suggesting that they decide what they wanted for dinner, as Wu Fei and Trowa left to put away their bags in their rooms, Duo turned to Heero.

"You were a Preventor? I thought you fixed cars." Duo asked him, confused by the different information he was getting.

"Right after the war I did join the Preventors, I was an agent for two years and then I quit and began fixing cars for Quatre. I needed more time to…"

"Look for me." Duo finished for him. "Guess Preventor connections just aren't as good as they say."

"Not for the channels where I finally found you." Heero smiled at him. Duo couldn't help smiling back.

"I like to walk on the wild side." Duo laughed as Heero pushed him playfully off the chair and then led the way to the dinning room.

The five pilots sat around talking while Gill ran the kitchen staff and soon had dinner served for them. Turkey, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, cranberry sauce and stuffy with a hot apple cobbler for dessert.

Wu Fei was telling them about Commander Une when Duo put down his fork and grabbed one of the large rolls and tore it down its center. He grabbed his turkey and set to making a sandwich, he mixed some vegetables with his mashed potatoes and then spooned them onto his creation and then closed it.

He looked up then before taking a bite and found all eyes were on him. Trowa and Heero looked amused, Quatre looked confused and Wu Fei looked out right disgusted, and went on to state it.

"Maxwell, that is disgusting, why is it you can never seem to do anything normally or quietly." Wu Fei couldn't seem to help a smirk that tugged at the corner of his mouth and hinted that maybe he was just as amused as Heero and Trowa but wouldn't let himself give into the luxury of their easy smiles.

"You're eating the same thing 'Fei, just with a fork and knife." And with that he took a bite and smiled at them round his full mouth. Trowa let out a laugh, which he quickly hid behind his napkin, but his eyes shown out at them. Quatre started to giggle and Heero kept his calm by looking down at his food and taking little sips of water.

Dinner went on until dessert before Duo's situation was brought up. Duo had been silently hoping that they could at least get through this one night before coming round to talk about him, but it appeared as if they had nothing else to talk about. Unlike him, they had spent the last five years growing closer without the war in their way now, and anything Duo could think up to counter this impending doom, they'd already talked about sometime prior.

"Maxwell…Duo…" His name sounded so strange on Wu Fei's lips, but he'd already noticed that he'd moved on to addressing everyone else by their first names, so it seemed that he was now going to be included there too, "Heero has been keeping me posted on your progress. You haven't left this house save one incident with the drug dealer."

Trust Wu Fei to throw it out there and at the same time shove his nose in it, Duo strove for the first time, not to let his anger get the best of him and just nodded. This had what had really been missing; everyone still tip toed around him, Wu Fei wasn't treating him any different than five years ago, well, words between them were different, but he was still brash and expectant instead of hesitant and supportive to a fault.

"Yeah, so?" Duo smirked back at him; he couldn't help the reply that jumped off his tongue.

"I have done some research and found that many have achieved results with gradual exposure." Wu Fei started to go into a complex explanation and Duo had to cut him off.

"'Fei! Try explaining this in plain English for those of us who didn't have Shakespeare memorized by four." Duo pushed his bangs aside only to have them fall right back into his dazed amethyst eyes.

Trowa, having already heard this once on the plane, picked up the ball, "He means that you should take walks outside, by yourself, wearing less and less each time till you're comfortable in jeans and a shirt as you are now, among us."

Duo concentrated on breathing, anxiety already coursing through him at the thought of all those eyes. "Who did you…where did you…" Duo searched and then made eye contact with Heero who didn't say anything but accented his breathing so it was visible and Duo could try and match it before he worked himself up to an episode.

"I found web sites on the Internet and several books on the subject." Wu Fei answered his unfinished question and Duo almost broke out into hysterical laughter. His problems were cases that were filed away neatly in libraries and studies on the Internet. He was just another report or article that spelled out cures while he floundered about in this 'safe house' and mucked things up worse.

"Duo…breathe." He was surprised to find Heero up out of his chair and kneeling next to him.

"Gradual exposure Heero, now why didn't we think of that?" Duo heard his own voice, high and giddy and flinched.

"Breathe Duo, you're going to start hyperventilating." That word brought Duo back, he hated that feeling, of gasping for air that wasn't their while everyone else watched you calmly, breathing easily.

Duo took in large gulps of air, held them and then took another till he had his heart beat slowed and was breathing normally again.

"Duo, I'm sorry." Duo had to look up and make sure that he had heard the right voice say those words; he couldn't remember ever having heard those words come out of Wu Fei before. "I merely wish to help."

Duo nodded, unsure of how steady his voice would be, and tried to give Wu Fei and encouraging smile.

"Thank you Wu Fei." Heero said in his place and then quietly asked if Duo was ok. Duo gave his hand a squeeze, not wanting to leave this company yet, even if he felt strung tighter than a trip wire; he was reluctant to leave them after so long of being without.

Duo didn't enter the conversation much after that, but was comfortable listening, and after a few minutes his nerves began to ease and he sat back with his cobbler and just listened. Their mixed voices were soothing. Quatre's was a soft musical sound that mingled with Wu Fei's whose was sharp but fairly rang. Heero's was low and calm while Trowa's was a rumble.

They talked about mundane things after that, Duo barely followed the conversation anymore and found himself drifting off hours later. He said his good nights when Heero roused him and told him it was past eleven. Duo gave Trowa a big smile and surprised Wu Fei with a quick hug. He dashed off, tousling Quatre's hair as he made his escape and Heero followed him up the stairs with a smile.

Duo found that once he was lying down in bed, he was no longer tired. He lay there, with eyes wide open, while Heero moved about the room in familiar motions. When Heero finally settled down next to him, Duo looked up at him and Heero stared back in surprise at Duo's sudden state of alertness.

"What is it love?" Heero asked softly, he could hear the others in the house settling down and it was comforting.

"Do you think it would work?" Duo asked.

"Do I think what would work?" Heero asked, trying to get Duo to settle down next to him.

"The exposure thing Wu Fei was talking about." After they'd let it go, Duo had suddenly found himself dwelling on it. Somewhere in his mind, part of it had made sense, past all that fear, something in him had heard reason in it.

Heero paused, stilled, more awake than before and gave his answer carefully. "Yes, I do believe that Wu Fei uncovered a technique that would help someone in your situation come to terms with…"

"Heero." Duo growled out in irritation.

Heero gave a soft chuckle, "I think it might work." He said plainly.

"I…I think so too…" Duo admitted.

"Did you want me to help? I could set it up, we could take one of Quatre's cars and…" Duo cut him off again.

"I think this is something I can do on my own. Can…can you just, be here? When I get back?" Duo asked, trepidation sneaking into his voice when he didn't want it too.

Heero bit back on his need to bring his arms tighter around Duo, to insist that he be there, but he'd talked about this to Dr. Draki one day. Duo had been self sufficient five years ago, he'd been self sufficient in his apartment. Dr. Draki had told him Duo was probably going to want control back more and more over his life; that he would not always rely on Heero the way he had been.

"I'll always be here." Heero whispered to him and was rewarded with Duo burrowing in tight against him. Heero held him back tightly, as tightly as he had wanted to before.

"Love you." Duo's muffled voice came from Heero's neck.

"I love you." Heero nuzzled into Duo's hair.

Duo wore a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater and a coat. He had on boots and had snuck some gloves into his pocket when Heero had gone down to breakfast before him. Duo faced the mirror again, psyching himself up, he stumbled down the stairs to breakfast and found Wu Fei and Trowa. He'd almost forgotten hey were there, he gave Wu Fei a wicked grin and sat down next to Heero.

"Are you going out today Duo?" Quatre asked, looking up from a report next to his plate.

"Yeah, I was gonna go down and visit with Ember and get myself some more of those cupcakes!" Duo chirped, ignoring Wu Fei's surprised look and then somewhat smug smile.

"Oh, if you like, I can have a car…" Quatre started, looking up at Duo with a surprised smile.

"Naw Quatre, that's ok, I like to walk. Nothing wrong with walking." Duo smiled and shoved a piece of bacon into his mouth. He smirked to himself, he figured he was the only one who walked anywhere now a days. Everyone else had a driver's license with a car; but Duo had liked working on cars, but all the one's he could afford lacked something for him. It was hard to go from space to paved roads.

"Ok, be back for lunch though, I want us all to eat together." Quatre gave him an encouraging smile and Duo nodded. He finished his breakfast quickly and then jumped off.

"I'm off!" He announced, swooped down and snagged a kiss from Heero before he could protest which made his lover blush. Duo laughed, glanced at Wu Fei's smug face, stuck his tongue out at him and dashed out the door.

Heero recovered after hiding his face in his napkin with Quatre giggling and Trowa letting his low chuckle join in the joke.

"He'll be fine." Heero muttered to himself, a mantra he'd been saying to himself all morning. But Wu Fei heard him.

"Of course he will be fine." He snapped, harsh eyes daring anyone to dispute his well researched plan. "He is a soldier of war, a Gundam pilot; this is just one more obstacle, a training exercise for him."

Heero shook his head, "You were not here for the worst of it Chang." Wu Fei looked a little taken aback and disbelieving. "You weren't here for the seizures, the screaming, and the pain he was in. He's come a long way; it took him so much to get here."

Wu Fei snorted, "Duo is a strong man, and he deserves nothing less then our absolute faith now. It is our friendship that has brought him back Heero, remember that."

Heero smiled at Wu Fei and finished his breakfast.

Duo made it to the edge of town just fine, but once there, he faltered. Duo found a dark corner and paused, leaning against the building and taking deep breaths.

I've been here before, Duo lectured himself, no one is looking for me, no one knows me and no one is staring at me.

Duo pushed off against the wall and began walking again. He knew how to find the store, Ember's store. The Fast Fix, with its green and orange sign, on the corner, with Rivee's garage just a few buildings down. Duo came to the main road that went all the way from one end of town to the other and started down the sidewalk with his shoulders set. He hunkered down, hiding his face behind his long bangs and concentrated on avoiding running into people.

Duo did get run into though, twice, he bumped into a man who ignored him and walked on and then once into a woman carrying a grocery bag. He apologized quickly, catching the look on her face as she saw his face. He pressed on, trying to convince himself that he hadn't seen what he'd thought he'd seen on her face and finally came to the corner store.

He dashed inside, forcing himself not to look up and see the camera and video, and stopped, leaning against a display. He took deep breaths and tried to focus on what was around him.

"Hey Duo!" Ember greeted him; she was still with a customer but had seen him come in. Duo took advantage of the time she took to finish with her customer to get his heart reigned in.

"What's up? You here for more junk food?" Ember smiled at him as the man left her store with a bag of chips and a cup of coffee.

"Yeah." Duo felt better and gave her as big a smile as he could manage. He was wound tight so that the muscles in his back felt ready to break like glass. "Quatre doesn't have anything good up at the house!"

Ember hopped up onto the counter and sat with her legs dangling down while Duo went round to get his own cup of coffee.

"I can imagine, I bet he serves those banquets all the time. He invited Rivee and me up there once, honest to god five course meal!" Duo laughed at the look on her face when she said that. "I'm just a good ol' burger and fries gal!"

"I hear yeah, man, I used to eat pizza and Chinese take out, now I got Chicken cordon blue and fancy salad I can't pronounce!" Duo basked in Ember's laughter, "Did you know there's such a thing as _white_ asparagus!?"

Ember laughed as he walked around, picking up doughnuts and chips as well as his cup cakes. He got two sodas fro the back, holding them like he'd found the holy grail to get another laugh out of Ember before bringing it all up to the counter. Easy as pie, not that'd he'd ever tried to cook the stuff, he could do this!

Ember rang him up. "You should get Heero to bring you down to dinner here; me and Rivee could take you out to the steak house down the street!"

Duo smiled at her, "I'll do that!" Ember smiled back at him while she bagged his stuff.

"Good, that man needs to get out more often." She and Duo laughed.

"I better head back, can't be late for that lunch I can't pronounce!" Duo gave her a salute as he left and she waved after him.

Duo walked back, braver. He focused on keeping his face up and smiling. He didn't get near as many looks as he did back at the beach city he'd left. People here just glanced at him and then went on about their business. They probably thought he was only visiting, that they'd never see him again so he wasn't worth a second look. It gave Duo a false sense of security that was snatched away when he passed a parking lot outside of a grocery.

Duo froze as his gaze fell to the side of the building. He saw a red convertible and two figures got out of it.

Duo watched as Martin got out of Melinda's car then walked around it to pull Melinda out by her hair. Duo couldn't seem to move, though he screamed at his legs to do something, he was firmly rooted to the spot.

Melinda didn't even protest as Martin dragged her over to the side of the grocery and slammed her down against the wall. She just slid down the wall and sat there looking up at him. The parking lot wasn't big at all; Duo could see and hear them perfectly.

"Is this the place?" Martin demanded.

"Please…more…please…" Melinda begged in a small voice, reaching up with thing arms. Duo could see the track marks up both arms. They looked infected, swollen and painful. Duo cringed, forced addiction. He recognized that look in her eyes, it took him right back to L2. Those people begging on the street, selling everything they had, even teeth, just to get another hit. Duo felt sick, he'd sworn he'd never fall that low, had despised those people, but wasn't that just what had happened to him. Begging Heero and Quatre for one more pill.

Duo shivered violently and listened as Martin refused to give her another hit till she told him.

"Is this the place!?" he kicked her and Duo grimaced, he remembered that kick. "Is this where he is!?"

That made Duo pay closer attention. Who was Martin looking for, surely not, it had to be a coincidence, Carigan couldn't have sent him all this way to…

"Yes, he's here, this is it!" Melinda told him then began her pleading again. Martin picked her up by the upper arm and shoved her back into the car. He stood and started looking around, Duo found his legs again.

He dropped his bag and coffee and took off running, he ran as hard as he could. He ran with the memory of the police after him on L2, he ran with the memory of OZ after him, he ran till his lungs burned and his muscles ached to stop. He ignored it all as he hit the hill and just kept on running. He pulled off his coat and ran with it in his hand, sweat pouring down his face.

Duo ran right past the gardener and Gill who was outside parking the car Quatre had come back in. Duo fell against the front door and shoved at the handle till it opened and he could fall in on hands and knees and scream.

"HEERO!!!"

Martin picked up the bag on the sidewalk and kicked at the Styrofoam cup of spilled coffee. Who would just drop their stuff in the middle of the street like this? Someone who'd seen what he'd done, someone who hadn't run to the police station to his right, but left in a hurry, running away.

Someone who needed to hide now that they knew he was in town, and who hid better than Maxwell.

Martin glanced down at the bag, Fast Fix; he'd seen that driving here. Small town, the kind of town where everyone knew what everyone else was doing. Maybe the nice people at the Fast Fix could help him find Maxwell.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Believe me when I tell you that I am making no money off of this! I so do not own Gundam Wing! This is a fanfiction.

Ok, this is going to be short, but kind of sad.

If u r confused as to whom martin is plz visit myspace for a complete explanation.

Raylie Knight on myspace or, if it's easier, look for I'm posting info about upcoming chapters, new stories, 1X2 art I find poking around the net (maybe one day, fanart!) and I even post corrections I can't fix here.

Scars

Part Seventeen: Departing

Heero came at a run when he heard Duo's voice, his heart pounding madly at the sound of desperation in Duo's cry. He ran down the stairs, skipping the last two and found Duo just inside the front door on his hands and knees, breathing hard and shaking, sweat trailing down his body where it was visible, and his coat discarded at the doorframe.

"Duo!? DUO!?!" Heero fell to his knees in front of Duo and forced his face up to look at him, Duo's eyes registered who was holding him and his hands came up to clamp around Heero's arms in a painful grip, biting into Heero's skin, his shaking as bad as ever.

"Heero!" Duo was wide eyed and frantic and Heero pulled him close, pressing Duo's ear to his chest before Duo sent himself into seizure. What the hell could have done this to him, surely this wasn't simply from walking around town! Heero had seen Duo weave in and out of the crowd back at the beach just fine, he'd taken his coat with him today, if he'd felt anxious at all, he had that for cover.

"Breathe, just breathe." Heero coaxed him; he could hear Quatre ordering Gill to get water and Wu Fei and Trowa near him, asking for an explanation. Heero realized he hadn't heard them join him. "Duo, tell me what's wrong, what happened?"

"Oh Gods Heero!" Duo suddenly buried his face into Heero's neck and his arms flew around his neck and he held on as if Heero were the last solid thing in his world.

"What is it!? Please tell me what's wrong!" Heero begged, holding onto Duo just as tightly, fear making his heart frantic to escape his chest and his back tighten painfully.

"He found me! Heero, he found me!!! They know I'm here! I'm so sorry! I told you they'd find me!" Duo said fiercely, voice muffled in Heero's neck.

"Who Duo?" Wu Fei asked from behind them. A glass of water was offered and Heero took it and pulled Duo away from him, reluctantly, and made him drink it.

"Carigan." Duo said breathlessly as he handed the empty glass back to Gill. He wouldn't let go of Heero's hand, and Heero was perfectly content to let it stay there.

"Who is Carigan?" Trowa asked, kneeling so he was at eye level for Duo and he wouldn't have to look up at all of them.

"Someone who is not happy I left without saying goodbye…or giving him his data disk." Duo looked sheepish as well as worried and fearful.

"What disk?" Wu Fei asked for all of them.

"The one he paid two grand for." Duo looked like he might be sick soon. Heero got him to stand up and start walking towards the living room while everyone else recovered.

"You saw him in town?" Wu Fei caught up with them and continued questioning Duo.

"I saw Martin." Duo confirmed, clinging to Heero who sat down with him on the sofa.

"Who?" Quatre asked, sitting next to Duo on his other side, Trowa and Wu Fei standing over them.

"You remember, Heero kicked his ass in that alley right before we got on that plane." Duo almost started laughed but felt that it would be one of those high, hysterical laughs and figured that wouldn't be the best thing to do right now.

"The asshole who was kicking you!?" Quatre demanded.

"WHAT!?" Trowa and Wu Fei coursed in parallel outrage.

"Yeah, that one." Duo confirmed as Heero's grip on his hand tightened, "He had Melinda with him." He turned to stare at Heero, making sure their eyes meet for understanding, "I know she's a drug dealer, and I know there's not much else to her, but no one deserves that Heero."

"Deserves what?" Heero was almost afraid to ask.

"Forced addiction, I don't even know what, but she's begging for it and the track marks go all up both arms. Being beaten too." Duo winced; he remembered Martin's abuse all too well.

Heero nodded, "Did he see you?"

"I don't think so, but I didn't look back to check, just ran." Duo would have been ashamed of himself if he wasn't scared shitless.

Heero looked to Wu Fei who nodded and left the room at a trot. "If he hasn't seen you then we have a head start." Heero said fiercely, Duo was in awe over the look of anger on his face, anger on his behalf. It spurred a warm feeling in his chest and some of his anxiety melted away.

Heero was dressed and armed along with Wu Fei in less than five minutes, Trowa was putting in a call to the local authorities and Quatre was making a call to the Preventor's for Wu Fei.

Duo had just started an argument with Heero about going with them, Heero was obstinately against it, when Heero's cell phone went off with a shrill urgency that made them all jump.

Heero answered it curtly and then his face fell in shock, he staggered and Duo reached out automatically to catch him by the elbow, fear making him forget all the steam he'd been building up just seconds ago.

"I'll be there, right away!" Heero yelled at the phone and hung it up to look at Duo with a strained expression.

"Ember. Rivee's been shot." He moaned, Duo couldn't see anything around them, his vision gone tunnel.

"What?" Duo couldn't think of anything to say, his mouth going on auto pilot.

"He's been shot, three times." Heero pulled at Duo and they were running for the car with Wu Fei yelling after them and following closely.

Duo could see it in his mind, the cup of coffee, the plastic bag with the Fast Fix logo on it, he didn't have them with him anymore, couldn't remember where he'd dropped them. No, he did. He'd dropped them right before he'd started running, left them right there on the street for Martin to find, no way the thug hadn't heard him take off.

Duo tried to swallow, his mouth too dry and his shakes coming back with vengeance. He sat in the car next to Heero who was driving, vaguely aware of Wu Fei in the back seat. None of them were wearing seat belts and wouldn't it just be ironic if they got into a crash on the way to the hospital? Duo couldn't make his mind stop; he just started counting seconds as a way to get his heart rate to slow down.

Heero pulled them up next to the curb outside the ER and vaulted form his seat, Duo right behind them as they ran through the sliding glass doors.

Ember was screaming at a nurse who was trying to hold onto her outside double doors that lead further into the hospital. She was disheveled, covered in blood that wasn't hers, crying, hair a mess hanging down her back, she looked like some demon standing there, nose to nose with the nurse, hands fisted at her sides.

"EMBER!" Heero yelled, getting her attention, she turned to them, rage screwing up her face into something unrecognizable. But when she realized who they were, she suddenly collapsed, anger leaving her as quick as anything, and Heero raced to meet her halfway, catching her as her knees hit the tiled floor.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…" Duo realized she had started crying into Heero's shoulder, repeating those words over and over. Duo lurched and went down with them, clinging to Ember's back, he'd done this, this was his…his fault…

"They won't let me in!" Ember wailed, stopping her mantra just long enough to take in huge breaths around deep sobs that wracked her body. Duo clutched at her harder, willing this to stop, willing time to go back, willing Rivee into her arms. Anything to bring back the strong, laughing woman who vaulted over counters with a shot gun.

"I know, I'm sorry, he's strong! Just wait, they'll let you in soon." Duo became aware that Heero was softly talking to Ember, trying to calm her down. She was reduced to dry sobs and just clutching to them. Duo heard Wu Fei talking to someone, heard Heero talk to Ember, and heard Ember's heart beat through her back, but he couldn't hear his own. It felt as if his had stopped.

"Mrs. Easton?" Someone asked and that was all it took. She was up and running past the doctor and through the doubled doors which were no longer guarded from her.

Heero raced after her and Duo found himself being helped numbly to his feet by Wu Fei. The doctor looked at them, at a loss and then gave chase.

"The car?" Duo suddenly asked, the first thing that came to mind.

"I parked it." Wu Fei offered, knowing Duo's train of thought for once.

"Good." Duo whispered, he let Wu Fei lead him after his lover and their friend. They found them in a room in ICU and Ember was holding onto Rivee's hand, kneeling next to the bed and Heero was arguing with the doctor. Rivee was hooked up to a respirator and one lone IV as well as a heart monitor, Duo found that odd, shouldn't there be more machines, more IV's for three gun shot wounds?

Duo came up to the foot of the bed, Rivee's eyes were open, half lidded, but staring back at Ember who wasn't sobbing anymore, but scolding him about scaring her.

"…Stomach is ripped to shreds…not enough left to sew up…bowls torn…morphine…nothing we can do…" The words drifted through the room around Heero's anger, Duo put his hand on the bed to keep from falling, Wu Fei there to steady him as he had been for Heero…what…minutes ago? Surly no longer than an hour, but it seemed like years ago!

"Please…please don't leave me…" Ember's voice made everything else fade away, and the doctor simply left, Heero turned back, placing a solid hand on Ember's shoulder. "PLEASE!" Her voice broke, her face screwing up in pain and her voice wining in desperation.

"Sorry…love…" Rivee was breathing between words, his hand hanging on to his wife's but the grip didn't look that strong. "Gotta…go on…ahead."

"NO!" Ember wailed, she shook, gasping for air along with him, "No." The word was stretched out with sobs in the middle making it disjointed.

"Live…for us…love." Rivee was saying, smiling at her, "Don't…burn out…" Duo watched Heero clutch at Ember, as if willing her to hear Rivee's words, though she was hanging on every one.

"I LOVE YOU!" She cried, as if that would be enough.

"Love…you." Rivee spared Heero a smile and then only had eyes for his wife as he breathed in…out…in…out…

Duo was holding his breath, waiting for Rivee to take in air again, choked and his head fell to the bed frame and Ember simply screamed.

Her screams brought nurses and doctors to the open door, staring at her in panic until Heero knelt down and turned her into his arms. Cradling her, even as she hung on to Rivee's hand.

Duo felt Wu Fei's hand at his back, offering comfort, Heero was there, just beyond Wu Fei, and Ember. Pain radiated off them, waves that were palpable and Duo could do naught but try and breathe.

"Time of death…1:23." That undid him, he heard Ember scream into Heero's chest again and he had to be out of there, had to be gone from that room!!!

Duo broke away and ran, he ran past nurses, doctors, patients, pushing off of a body that got in his way and found those double doors again. He shoved at them, static rushing in his ears and tears making his vision blurry and making him stumble as his legs threatened to give out beneath him.

"Duo!" Someone called after him, but Duo didn't hear, just ran till he was in the parking lot, under that constant rain.

His fault, all his fault. The coffee cup…the bag…led him right to them.

Heero's friend, his friend. Ember…alone in the world…

Dead.

Rivee was dead.

All his fault.

Duo turned his face up to the rain and screamed.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: Don't worry about me making money off this, I don't own Gundam Wing and I'm still starving.

Ok, so I reread the last chapter and decided that I really need to let you all know what happens next. I was preoccupied for a while with _Lost_ and _Silent_ _Night_, but now I'm back! All hail my Muse! No seriously, my Muse reads the comments you leave, the other day I was told to forget everything else and get back to work. You guys got me in trouble! LOL!

Sorry it took so long! I'll try and be quicker with my updates!

Scars

Chapter 18: Manipulation

Duo screamed till he was out of breath and then pitched his head forward and stared and the wet cement in front of him. Everything was pitching forward; it felt like there was no ground beneath him, like he was falling up, headed for space, that endless fall that was neither up nor down but everywhere all at once. He remembered free fall all too well, and this, this wrenching inside of him was all too familiar.

Duo knew someone would follow him, would make sure he was all right, but it wouldn't be Heero. Duo felt ashamed for wanting Heero's arms around him so much right then, it was all his fault. He'd dropped the cup and the bag with the Fast Fix logo on it, he'd lead Martin to Ember, Rivee had probably been there, talking with his wife…with Ember. Duo could practically see Martin aiming his gun at Rivee, demanding to know if he knew Maxwell, demanding to be told where Maxwell was hiding.

Rivee was Heero's friend, he wouldn't have said, probably hadn't known Martin had been carrying a gun. Had Ember been fast enough with her shot gun, was Martin back at the Fast Fix, dead on the floor, waiting to be found?

Duo shivered, he couldn't be that lucky! Then he cursed himself, he'd just let Heero's friend, Ember's husband, a good mechanic get shot three times. He'd good as killed Rivee himself.

What about Ember…was she…she was going to…Duo cringed, fear flooding through him. She had to know, Martin would have had a lose tongue, knowing he wasn't going to let either of them live he would have shot off his mouth.

Well, if she wanted revenge, he'd gladly give it to her, he'd let this happen, this was his responsibility he'd…

Tires screeched and brought Duo's eyes up from the cement. Melinda's black convertible pulled up onto the sidewalk and Martin reached over the door and grabbed Duo's shoulders and hauled him into the car, throwing him into the back seat and aiming a gun at his head. Duo froze, felt the car pull off the curb and the tires squealed as the driver floored the gas pedal.

"Hello Maxwell." Martin smiled down at him, all teeth and eyes blood read around the irises. He looked crazed, sleep deprived and mad as hell. Duo kept his mouth shut, if Carigan wanted him dead, he'd be dead already. He'd left himself open, kneeling on the ground like that in front of the hospital; Martin could have easily picked him off, even in his current state. But he'd been dragged into a car and they were now headed somewhere really fast, that could only mean that Carigan wanted him alive…or he wanted to watch Duo die.

The thought made Duo woozy; he stared up past the gun at Martin, trying to gauge what it would be. But Martin just looked like he wanted to boil Duo and enjoy the screams. Duo wondered if anyone had seen the snatch…hadn't someone followed him outside?

"They got him!" Wu Fei yelled as he collided with the door frame. Both Heero and Ember looked up, both faces tear stained, confused and tinged with slight anger.

"What?" Heero demanded. Wu Fei wanted to look away, he'd let Duo be taken, stood there, had decided to give Duo room to grieve. The black convertible had come out of nowhere!

"That man, Martin, Duo was outside…the car pulled up and they just pulled him in and drove away." Wu Fei explained.

"WHAT!?" Heero was suddenly standing in front of him and yelling. "You were right there! Why didn't you stop them!?" His stomach was rolling, sending him careening into darkness, everything was falling apart, everything he'd built for himself in his new life was suddenly being systematically destroyed, he'd be damned if they were going to take Duo away from him again!

"Duo was upset, I was giving him room…" Wu Fei started to explain.

"You have a gun!" Heero yelled back, rage making him look even more haggard than before. If looks could kill…hell, Wu Fei was surprised he was still standing.

"What the Fuck is going on!?" Ember suddenly demanded, forcing herself between Heero and Wu Fei and yelling up into Heero's face, forcing him to back up or kiss her.

Heero stepped back and pain flew across his face. "Who was that man?" Ember demanded, her mind starting to make connection. "He was asking about Duo, where you guys were, why did he want to know? Why did he have a gun?"

Heero looked down and started explaining.

Duo was loaded onto a private plane at gun point. The driver, a tall man with a long brown ponytail who smiled at Duo, got on with them. He walked into the cockpit and sat down in the pilot's seat while pulling on the headset.

"Over there." Martin motioned with his gun and Duo took the seat while Martin pulled out a pair of zip cuffs. Duo had seconds to put on the seat belt before Martin pinned his wrists to the arm rests and locked them there with the plastic binding. He sinched them tight so that they bit into Duo's wrists and Duo hid the grimace that wanted to come out.

Martin took the seat across the isle, eyeing Duo and then yelled to his partner in crime. "Hurry up Wyn!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going as fast as I can." The driver, Wyn, turned and winked at Duo and then started up the engines on the plane and started talking to the airways tower.

Duo felt sick as he heard Wyn get clearance for take off, just where were they taking him!? And that they needed a plane to get there made it all the worse.

"You should be worried." Martin growled at him, his eyes going small and mean, Duo had no illusions that Martin had been given permission to rough him up if he fought and that he was going to take advantage of that before Duo saw ground again.

Duo began to systematically shut off alarms in his brain that were screaming at him to do something. One by one he locked away bits and pieces of himself into a dark box in the back of his mind. He knew when Martin's fish came down over his face again that he wouldn't really feel it, that he'd be somewhere else when the blood burst beneath his skin and the pain really started.

Heero burst through the doors of Quatre's estate and climbed the stairs two at a time. Quatre and Trowa were just coming down the stairs, both stopped and watched as Wu Fei's voice proceeded him in after Heero.

"Don't be foolish Yuy!" Wu Fei was yelling, "If you would simply wait for reinforcements…"

Heero cut him off and turned on the stairs to stare down at him. "Shut Up Chang, I know what I'm doing! I am not going to let Duo stay with that mad man one more minute than he has too! Not if I can save him!"

Ember trailed in after Wu Fei, dazed looking and drifting after the two men. She looked calm and quiet, started up the stairs after Heero and nodded to Quatre and Trowa on the way.

"Heero! Listen to reason, there is no way that you would be able to help him alone like this!" Wu Fei tried, hoping his friend would see to reason before two rescues were needed.

"He's not going in alone." Ember's voice was sharp and Wu Fei had to keep from flinching. "I want mine." Ember locked eyes with Heero. Heero did flinch, his emotions leaking out of his eyes in pain, but he pushed it aside and started up the stairs again with Ember on his heels.

"This is madness!" Wu Fei started up after them, "You can not drag…"

"I am not being dragged!" Ember shot back, not bothering to look at him over her shoulder. "He killed my husband, the fucking love of my life! Now he's out to get Heero's, and I'm not going to let that happen, so either start picking up weapons or get on the phone!"

Wu Fei looked to Quatre, his eyes asking for help while showing his inner struggle with his temper.

"Don't look at me; I'm getting on the phone." Quatre shook his head and decided to leave the crossfire and Trowa followed him to the downstairs office.

Wu Fei stood, alone on the stairs, he could still see Maxwell…Duo…bent in pain, screaming, his only outlet for the sorrow. He's stood there, giving him room to grieve. Distancing himself from so much emotion, and that car…that corvette. He'd glimpsed the man Heero called mad, seen pure rage in his eyes, watched as Duo was picked up right off the ground…

Wu Fei started up the stairs and quickly began pulling out everything he'd brought with him. His store of weapons during traveling was small, but he did have ammo and explosives.

Duo had always had a mental image of Carigan, an old graying man who ran his business much like the mob did. A tall man who wore business suits and smoked cigars. A man who knew nothing of computers and so had to get monkeys like him for the job. Someone who had no idea the power in what he was buying, who squandered everything he had and put it to no real use.

Coming face to face with the real thing was damn near shocking. Carigan was in fact, not old, not computer illiterate and not wearing a suit! He looked to be in his early thirties with shaggy black hair and bright grey eyes, he was lounging in front of a desk, his chair titled back and his feet up on the edge of the desk with the key board in his lap. He had on washed jeans, a tight black shirt and a silver watch.

He gave Duo a knowing smile and put the key board back on his desk as he sat up. "Duo, so good to see you, did you have a good trip?"

Duo licked his bottom lip where it had split when his face had connected with pavement when he'd been pushed down the stairs out of the plane. Martin had virtually ignored him on the plane, eating a sandwich and reading a magazine, but as soon as they had landed it had started. First, his trip down the stairs, then, his head had connected painfully with the top of a limo as he'd been shoved in. Duo could already feel a good sized lump forming on his forehead as he stood there. He'd fallen on the stairs leading up to Carigan's mansion several times and been steered into every table between the front doors and this office.

"Flight was fine." Duo slurred around his swollen lip even as he rubbed at his wrists which still itched and ached from the zip ties.

"Good, good." Carigan smiled at Martin who turned and headed for the door, the pilot/driver/creep hadn't made it in the front doors, but left them there and headed off towards an embarrassingly large garage. Duo remembered wondering if Carigan really needed more cars than Quatre did. "You look a little worse for ware, life treating you all right?"

"Peachy." Duo watched Martin leave, he knew this was a bad sign, Martin was muscle, but he was low muscle, and the guy who was now coming in to take over looked like high end muscle, which meant that Duo had just gone from little fish to big catch. "Martin leaving then?"

"Oh yeah, thought I'd give him a break, he's been working so hard! We were all so worried about you when you went and disappeared, but Martin most of all. But, now that you're safe, we can all relax." Carigan turned to get into a low drawer and dug around while Duo looked over this new muscle.

He was tall and his hair was somewhere between ash blonde and red which was an odd mixture that swooped away from his face and hung down the back of his neck. He had beetle black eyes and thin lips. He wore black drawstring pants and a white tank top, his feet were covered in fitting slippers rather than shoes. He was smaller than Martin, but his whole presence screamed killer and made little chills dance down Duo's spine. If he was about to be punished for running he'd rather Martin came back.

And he was sure of the punishment, Carigan had said it all, Martin had gotten into big trouble for letting Duo get away, there was no way he was going to escape any imminent punishment.

Carigan reappeared with a folder and a small stack of disks. Duo recognized the disks as his, sent off in envelops, bags and even clothing to Carigan one way or another. Duo eyed the folder but had a pretty good idea of what was in it.

"Now Duo, we've had a good business deal going for a while." Carigan smiled, and Duo was beginning to recognize the signs of something forced rather than genuine, the smile never reached his grey eyes. "You've supplied us with some very useful programs for a while now. All for a price of course, but I've always held up my end of the deal, and you always held up yours…until now that is. I was just wondering why. Especially when I already paid you for a program I have yet to see. Especially when I have a lot of other deals waiting to go though on your promise that I would have my program nearly a year ago!" Carigan's voice was growing and the muscled was standing awfully close to Duo now, he saw what was coming and could only roll with it as the muscle grabbed him by the back of his neck and forced his face down fast and hard into Carigan's desk and then let him fall to his knees, clutching his right cheek bone in pain.

"Please, do explain why you so felt compelled to betray me Duo." Carigan finally said in a calm and quiet voice and the room fell silent as he waited for Duo's answer.

Duo used the desk to get back on his feet, he wasn't so sure his cheek bone hadn't just been broken, but he let his hand drop and focused on talking. It was taking a lot more concentration than usual, in fact, Duo usually didn't have to think at all to talk; it just spilled out of his mouth. But just then, he was having trouble finding his words.

"The thing is, I wasn't going to! I even almost had it done, but something came up and I…" Duo started, but Carigan stopped him.

"Duo, you always know that you can call me and tell me if there's a problem, I am a very understanding man!" Carigan smiled at him, holding out his hands as if offering up his own great understanding with the ways of the world, "But if you don't tell me what's going on, I can't help you, now can I? And if you remember, Duo, you were already late. Seems to me that if one were to look at all of this from a unbiased point of view, it simply looks as if you ran away because you were late and had no intention of finishing my program, even got your old friend to come and help you out." Carigan's eye twitched as his voice went from soft and dangerous to loud and dangerous, "Poor Duo Maxwell, scared and alone in his dark, barren apartment, fell in with the wrong sort of people didn't you? And now you can't keep up things on your end, so best to get out while you still can…only it's too late Duo."

Duo was having trouble keeping up, things were all wobbly and fuzzy, he felt as if he were about to pitch forward any moment now, face first into the dark green carpet. But the "it's too late" caught him, made his eyes focus on Carigan again.

"I want my program Duo." Carigan's grin did look real this time, crazed. Duo was taken hold of again and had a second to brace himself before he took a hit to the chest and went flying backwards. His lungs exploded in pain and his breathing became ragged. He felt hands like iron take a hold of his right leg and then his vision exploded as Carigan said, "Break it, Roan."

Duo bit back a yell and tasted blood as his teeth broke the skin on his bottom lip. He felt the break, low on his shin, blood rushing down his leg as the pain began to throb in time to his heart beat. He lay on the ground, his face screwed up in pain and pressed down into the carpet, his hands bunched into fists and he tried to curl in on himself as "Roan" stood over him, watching him as Carigan stood up behind his desk.

Duo opened one eye and tracked Carigan's leisurely walk around his desk and over to Duo where he squatted down and began to talk again, in a hushed tone that implied secrecy and kindness but held neither.

"Duo, it's not so late that you can't redeem yourself. Now that you've been sufficiently punished, I think we both know you're not going to pull another stunt like that, right?" Duo could only nod into the carpet, ignoring the burn as it irritated his fresh cuts there. "Good, now we can get along to business. Roan."

Duo flinched at the name, but Roan just pushed out a chair from against the wall and picked up Duo and put him in it. Duo rocked and Roan's hand reached out and rested on his shoulder, holding him up.

"Now Duo, I've already paid you for a program I want, and I would like to have it now." Carigan was sitting on his desk in front of Duo and at these words he held out his palm, waiting while Duo stared at it.

"Don't have it with me." Duo's words came out muffled and slurred but Carigan understood him and his eyebrows shot together in what looked like disappointment, but Duo knew that Carigan had to have known that already. Martin picked him up at the hospital for crying out loud! How was he supposed to have the disk with him!?

"Oh, that's a shame Duo, shall we send someone back to get it?" Duo felt his stomach curl up and drop out of his body.

"No!" Duo shouted before thinking and instantly regretted his words as a slow smile crept over Carigan's face. "I mean, no, it's not there, it got smashed when you sent Martin the first time." Duo lashed about his memory, trying to remember what he had done with Carigan's half way completed program.

"Oh, that's too bad." Carigan shook his head in mock disappointment and reached behind him and picked up a phone. "Jess, have an office and a room prepared for Mr. Maxwell, and inform the doctor that we have a patient for him."

Duo swayed to the side, but Roan's big hand kept him in his chair as Carigan's attention came back to him. "Duo, you have once chance to fix all this, Roan is going to help you out." In other words, keep an eye on him and make sure he was doing what he was supposed to, "You can use one of the offices here and finish my program." Carigan smiled as if even he were impressed by the generosity he was showing.

"Now run along, we'll have the doctor fix your leg and you can get right to work." Duo wondered for a minute how he was supposed to 'run along' when Roan grabbed his upper arm and simply lifted him out of his chair and began dragging him out the door. "Have fun." Carigan's voice called after him and Duo felt sick again.

On the way to the doctor he thought things through, the program he was supposed to be designing for Carigan had three parts. A virus, a decoder and an overwrite. When used properly, someone sent it into a system where it ate away at any and all security, hacked into the system and downloaded all the data there and then provided access to rewrite anything there at the users' discretion.

Duo had gotten through the decoder and had almost started working on the overwrite when Heero's question had popped up on his screen. From there Duo couldn't remember what he'd done with the program. It had been on a disk, but had that been brought with him or left in that little apartment, was it laying around on the beach somewhere, half finished or was it actually smashed in the alley like he had told Carigan? Duo had tried to forget about it and had succeeded for a while, Heero taking up his whole world again, but now it was taunting him from his past, bringing everything in the present down in a spectacular mess.

But even half finished the program was dangerous. Duo had always tried to ignore his pangs of conscience as he handed his programs over to Carigan or others in the same business, but now it was too big to ignore. Even while he'd been writing this one he'd been wondering exactly what Carigan had planned for it. Now that question was screaming in his mind and he found that he suddenly didn't want Carigan to have it.

Duo left his thoughts behind as he was pulled into a stark white room and came face to face with a very tall woman. She had a sever bun of dark brown hair and surveyed him with dark eyes that didn't speak of a wonderful bedside manner.

Duo was put down on an examining table and could only watch as the doctor went about silently gathering supplies for what looked like a splint rather than a cast. His pain was rolling through him, ebbing slightly and then coming back again as he lay there. He wanted nothing more than to be back at Quatre's up in his room, in his own bed…in Heero's arms. He blacked out when she got Roan to help her reset his bone.

Duo woke in a small room, cold and alone, covered only with a scratchy blanket that didn't really do anything for the chilly air. The room was white and dark green and barren of all but a barred window and a bed. It was a single, rather similar to bunks used in the military. Duo was lying on his back, staring up at the dark ceiling. It was light out, but Duo couldn't tell if it was still the same day or the next or even two days later. It certainly didn't feel as if he'd had two day's rest but he couldn't be sure with everything still fuzzy and throbbing.

Duo tried to move and found his leg immobile. He levered himself up with great difficulty and looked down to find his leg in a long splint laced with metal rods and velcroed into place. It had a hole for his knee and vents on the side to expose his leg to the air but was basically covering him from ankle to thigh. Duo found his pants one leg short as the fabric frayed where it had been cut high enough for the fabric of his pocket to be poking out a little. Most of his cuts were bandaged too, there was even a wrapping of gauze around his head over the bad cut he'd gotten from the car and Carigan's desk and he tasted cotton which implied they had given him some sort of painkiller. Worry sprung in his chest at that, he hated pain killers, they always played with his mind and made him groggy. He wondered what they could have given him, for all he knew, he'd been out for far longer than two days, though that was hard to believe, but he didn't feel like he usually did when he came off of pain killers. He was more awake and alert than he should have been for something that had dulled the pain in his leg to the point where he barely felt it at all.

Duo turned to the door when it opened a moment later and Roan came in. They had to be watching him, Duo spotted the camera over Roan's shoulder as he walked towards the bed. He towered over Duo's bed and stared down at him. Duo tried to give him a smiled, it came out weak and he flinched when Roan reached down and grabbed his arm again. He began to pull Duo off the bed and Duo saw himself going down face first as his leg was left behind.

"Ah! WAIT!" Duo panicked and reached out to grab at Roan. He caught himself as Roan suddenly stopped and used what he knew would be only seconds to get his leg off the bed and get his good one under him. His heart hammered against his chest, here was someone else who had little concern over his well being, let alone his life.

Roan grunted when Duo was standing and started walking again, Duo's arm still firmly in his grip as he headed for the door. Duo found he could actually put weight on his leg as he tried to hobble along with Roan without pain, but that only worried him more. His mind darted back to the pain killers and his thoughts unwillingly settled on Melinda, collapsed at Martin's feet strung out and betting for more. He vividly saw the tracks up her arms and the thoughts made him sick. There were many drugs that could take away his pain and make him feel fine in only a few hours, they were also very addictive and dangerous. Duo carefully glanced down at his arms without appearing too, searching the inside of his elbows for the telltale marks of long needles but found his arms bare. It only eased his mind a little.

Duo was dragged out into a green hallway, dragged down it for five feet and then shoved into an open door into an office that had to be on just the other side of wall the bed Duo had just been in was pressed against. Duo was seated in a high back chair on wheels and his leg was put roughly on an ottoman that was fitted under a desk. There was a keyboard pull out that came all the way out to sit comfortably in front of Duo's navel and there was a Styrofoam cup of coffee sitting on the desk right next to the computer with the modem sitting next to it, all within easy reach. Little speakers took up the rest of the room on the desk and an open drawer held blank disks with a sharpie laying there, ready for use.

Duo sat, stunned, as Roan retreated back to a corner of the office behind Duo and sat down on his own chair. He just sat there, no book, no music, nothing to distract him from Duo. His eyes bore into Duo, he didn't look bored, or angry, or interested, he didn't look much of anything at all! Duo wasn't sure if Roan or Carigan disturbed him more, cold, quiet madness or smiling madness that ordered around the cold, quiet madness. Duo looked around to the door they had come through and found it shut with a small camera up near the top of the frame, its little red light showing it was on and watching him. Duo wondered who was on the other side of that camera, was it Carigan himself or more lackeys. He didn't even know how big the building he was in right now. He knew Carigan was a big fish, but just how big he was, Duo had never bothered to find out completely.

Duo sighed, picked up the coffee and took a sip. It was sweet, tasting of Carmel and whipped cream, Duo enjoyed it, knowing that it was probably going to be one of the last things he did. As he booted up the computer and turned on the small speakers he thought. Heero and the others were probably looking for him, but from what he could tell, he was far from the small city Quatre called home, possibly in another country. There was no way they were finding him anytime soon. Carigan wanted his program as soon as possible and was willing to exercise any torture shot of death on Duo's body to get it. Duo had spotted the knives and other small pain givers on Roan as he'd been dragged, he didn't much like the prospect of the promise held there but knew he was up to dealing with whatever Roan could dish out if he needed to.

Duo put in a blank disk, found some music already in the media player and started to work on something that would appear to be what Carigan Wanted, but wouldn't actually work. His main objective had just changed from getting back to Heero to making sure Carigan didn't get what he wanted. He knew Heero would understand, as much as he had dabbled on the wrong side of law in his five years away, he knew this was where it stopped. Even all that time ago he had known, the program he had started was not going to fall into Carigan's greedy hands. It was too powerful and Duo could make a few guesses as to how it would be put to use in the mad mans hands.

He sent out a silent apology to Heero, but something old and buried kicked in as he started typing, something he hadn't seen in a long time. He was already making plans; a broken leg would slow him down, but not by much. It flipped Carigan off and knew that at the end of all of this Carigan would be dead and only rubble would stand where Duo now sat. It also told him that all things standing, his chances of making it back to Heero had just dropped considerably.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: Not making any money here! This is a fan fic, if I owned Gundam Wing you can bet I wouldn't be here!...or maybe I would, guess we'll never find out!

--I went to sleep for two hours around midnight, and then I got out of bed at 3:56 realizing I wasn't going to get any more sleep and turned on my computer instead. I typed three pages and then gave up when inspiration did. -T-yped a bit more when I went to visit my parents. --Typing more while roommate is at work and dyeing my hair green at the same time. Guess what day it is tomorrow!? --WARNING Graphic Deaths ahead, I'll typing more day after St. Patty's. --Dyeing my hair again! Wow, this is getting to be a habit. Multi-colors! Pink, red, purple, blue and green. W00t! Finally finished it! One more chapter to go...Review so I know if I did good or if the dye fumes have eaten my brain!

Scars

Chapter 19: Burn

Duo woke two days later and Roan came in to get him shortly after. He was allowed to sleep as much as he could, but unfortunately for him, Duo wasn't used to sleeping in. And so, Duo would wake after less than eight hours and Roan would come for him within minutes and then it was back to the office and the fake program he was working on for Carigan.

"Good morning sunshine." Duo smiled at Roan. In those first few hours working at the computer on that first day Duo had found Shinigamii. Now Duo found himself falling into old habits he'd forgotten he'd had. He pushed the limits with Roan, but couldn't seem to get any reaction, which bothered a part of him, but he couldn't seem to get any real concern going for himself.

In fact, Duo had all but pushed everything else from his mind. Heero was one of the few things that were still lingering on. As hard as he tried, Duo couldn't seem to completely get rid of Heero, although it wasn't all too surprising since he'd never really been able to. Even in the direst of situations, Heero only ever disappeared from his mind completely when he was facing mortal peril and he had no thoughts beyond his mission at the time.

Duo relaxed his shoulders as Roan reached out and grabbed Duo by the upper arm, the only place he'd ever really touched Duo beyond the breaking of his leg that first day. But it was all Roan needed, he had the strength to keep Duo in check in his current state. Or so Duo was letting him think. Duo could tell when someone was underestimating him and Roan was guilty, so much so that Duo wondered how good he actually was. Maybe it was all an act.

Or maybe he was just that good of an actor, Except for that feeling that Duo got whenever he looked Roan in the eyes. Duo tried to never overestimate himself, but he was really stuck on this one he would have to wait and see how things played out. Being cocky got you killed faster than cracking jokes at people with guns trained at your head. But that was just how Shinigamii worked.

Duo was ready to go back to his little room with the computer, to work some more on his fake program, but he wasn't lead there. Instead Duo was dragged in the opposite direction, led down halls for a different part of the building. Duo instantly started asking questions, talking nonsense, keeping Roan's and any one who was watching him, attuned to his babbling rather than his roaming eyes.

Duo had instantly started memorizing things when Roan had started to lead him in a different direction. He'd been out cold when they'd taken him to his room, had passed out from the severe pain of having a bone reset without any anesthetic. Now he was seeing just how he'd gotten there and was memorizing the way back and every room they passed. Duo had always had a flare for memorization during the war. He'd been able to memorize building plans when going on a mission, including anything else he'd needed to finish his mission. In fact, the only one who'd been able to rival his skills had been Heero who had always seemed just one step ahead.

It was all the stimulant his mind needed. Even as Duo memorized the exact location of a weapons storeroom a part of his mind started wondering about Heero. Where he was, what he was doing, was he out there looking for him, was he out there mourning for him? Assuming him dead by now and trying to move on with his life? Some of his thoughts made him sick, made him nervous and desperate, and yet, one part of him seemed to be undeterred in its ever present faith. It had sparked to life in that one moment in the hospital when Duo had been allowed to see love in Heero's eyes and had only grown as their love did. In face of all their problems it was there. Not making anything better, but making it bearable. It was more like a goal than a cure all.

It was that something that kept Duo going when he was facing the worst of his lows. Even now, it was as if there was a small voice in his head that sounded exactly like his lover that said with unrenounced certainty that Carigan could not, under any circumstances, get his hands on this program.

So for the time being Duo allowed himself to be dragged along by Roan and watched the different halls and closed doors drift by with rapt attention while he pretended to be preoccupied with Roan's physique and possible work out routine. It was his fourth day being trapped in Carigan's fortress and so far he had a strict routine of getting up, being allowed use of the facilities, and being taken to his small office. Meals were brought to him and he was escorted to the bathroom when he expressed a need for it. His past days had been narrowed down to that one hallway, so today was something of a confusion and cause for paranoia, this change of schedule.

Duo found himself, after a few turns, all of which he memorized, back on familiar ground. He recognized their current location as a hallway he'd seen just off to the side of the main one that lead to Carigan's office. Duo had a fair guess as to where they were headed and was rewarded when Roan knocked three times on Carigan's office door and then dragged Duo inside. Duo grinned widely, making himself look innocent, but not even pretending to be in pain since it seemed they were still slipping pain killers into his food. He didn't really mind that, at this point he was choosing comfort and ability over possible addiction since he'd already decided that he wasn't getting out of this mess before it all went to hell.

Shinigamii snuck up on him, slipped into place before he'd even realized it and Duo found himself looking at Carigan in a new light as the man stared at him across his large desk. Duo just stood there, grinning back at him, waiting for the silence to be broken.

"Duo," Carigan's voice was already stressed, Duo could hear it, he was mad. "Why aren't you done yet?"

Duo grinned back, never changing his eyes, letting them stare back at Carigan with the same hardness he was receiving. "I had to start over from scratch Carigan, it's not as easy as I make it look." Duo let out a little chuckle at his own joke, Shinigamii making it high and slightly crazed.

Carigan's eyebrows darted together in anger. "I'm not sure I heard you correctly, are you saying that even though you've already created this program once before, that it is taking longer to create it a second time?"

"Ah, no. Carigan, I never finished the first one. And my memory is getting bad in my old age, these things take time." Duo grinned back, his eyes boring back into Carigan's, who looked away first.

"You have until tomorrow to finish my program Maxwell." Carigan said with resigned anger dwelling just below his eyes. "We wouldn't want to have to break that other leg of yours." Carigan sneered.

Duo couldn't help it, he laughed. Carigan's eyebrows darted together in anger, his threat not working as he had expected it too. It just made Duo all the more amused.

Duo watched Carigan walk back around his desk, purposefully turning his back on Duo to show that he was not afraid of the ex Gundam pilot. The gesture was not lost on Duo. Shinigamii curled up inside him like a contented, lazy cat locked inside the canary cage. Duo fell into laughter and Carigan had him ordered from the room.

Duo giggled being dragged all the way down the main hall till Roan shook him hard and he let his fit trail off. Roan dragged him all the way back to his office, keeping him off balance purposefully. Duo let him, Shinigamii stirring to anger inside him, watching as they passed the weapons storeroom again.

When they got back to Duo's little temporary habitat Roan forcibly sat him in his swivel chair and then turned it away from the desk. Duo felt a part of him go quiet fairly quickly while Shinigamii's smile grew even wider in the face of Roan's stony silence.

"Pushed it too far didn't I?" Duo laughed, but chocked it down before it grew into a fit again and watched Roan pull out a knife from seemingly nowhere. Duo was pretty proud of how calm he stayed. He felt the cold, hard part of him that killed come into his eyes as he watched the knife brought down on him.

Duo didn't move, didn't make a sound, and somehow managed to keep his pulse from jumping out of his neck. Punishment, but instead of something simple, like breaking a leg, Carigan was apparently going to be dramatic. Dramatic and Ironic.

Duo felt the blade, not in the moment it cut his skin, but in the second after that. Roan dragged the blade through his skin not as if he were trying to cut Duo, but to skin him. The pain was far worse than what Duo had felt when he'd first been given his collection. Roan did not hesitate; in fact he started in on Duo's face right away.

Long, long nights ago, Duo's attackers had had to work up to marring Duo's face, had been reluctant even then. As if it made everything more real. As if they realized they were cutting, burning a person, not just a God Damned Gundam Pilot. But Roan knew exactly what he was doing, knew how to hold the knife properly and knew just how to take the skin away in little strips.

It was his left cheek, almost exactly parallel to his cheekbone. One strip. Blood pouring down his chin, it was low on his face, leaving room for more on top of that, leaving skin clean of blood so that Roan could see what he was doing.

Another strip. Duo wouldn't let any sound escape his lips. The part of him that had started screaming started struggling inside him when the knife had first come out had been shoved down and out. Stuffed into the dark and gagged. The second strip only served to numb him more, and he was able to look up at Roan, able to meet his eyes instead of staring at the wall behind him.

What Duo saw there made Shinigamii rear his head and see Roan more completely. Excitement.

This act, this blood, this cleaving of the skin excited Roan on some level. Just flat did it for him. Roan took a sick pleasure in his job, had been sought out for his skills, or had learned them at the hands of men like Carigan.

Duo stared into those dark eyes as Roan took a third strip, but only had eyes for his work. Duo felt the blade cut deeper and knew this one would mare his worse than the others. That this one would ache in the cold weather, that it would make people turn away, turn away in fear and disgust. He knew this one would never leave him alone.

He'd feel it, without any mirror he would see it forever, without someone else's eyes on him, he would feel his own. Shinigamii twitched with anger and it gave Roan pause as he smiled down at Duo, oh so pleased with his work. Roan had the severed skin lain out, as if they were trophies, lain out on some kind of cloth as if they could be mounted later.

Shinigamii recognized his kind, they'd seen his kind in the war, sick fucks who went the extra mile for OZ, not because of some kind of loyalty or belief in what they were fighting for, but because war allowed them to truly be the monsters they were. War allowed them, gave them permission, to live out every little fantasy that plagued them with longing and brought them pleasure. Shinigamii knew how to handle men like this, had watched their last breath leave them more than once in the past, and Duo knew that this was his own monster.

That a part of him was more than satisfied to see that last heart beat inside these men, part of him relished in watching life leave their eyes, leaving them dull and dead. Duo remembered having to come to terms with that more than once, knew that he had to accept himself for what he was other wise it would eat him alive. But it had been so much easier when he hadn't had Heero's scrutinizing gaze behind his own eyes and his voice whispering in his ear.

Now that Duo had a part of him that saw everything through Heero's eyes, or as close as could be imagined, that part of him that was pure monster was so much harder to accept.

Roan didn't seem to like what he was seeing going on behind Duo's eyes, his fantasy was being taken from him, so he tried to bring it back around to his terms. Duo didn't really see the blow coming though he was looking right at it. He was still seeing himself as he thought Heero might, so the fist coming straight at his fresh wounds caught him off guard and he wasn't able to take the blow as well as he could have.

The pain lanced through him, creating a storm in his head that crashed around till a throbbing took over and he was able to see again. The immediate pain was good news, it meant that Roan hadn't hit him as hard as he could have, but the disorientation that came with it was worrying. Duo found himself on the ground and couldn't remember the fall or the impact that should have gone with it.

Duo was picked up after a minute and put back in the chair. Duo saw something that might have been worry in Roan's eyes and Duo wondered how much liberty he'd been given for this task and if that hit had just crossed some invisible line. Shinigamii smiled; pleased that they could have caused Roan even a little bit of pain for this, though it might be through something so indirect.

Duo sat patiently and calmly while the doctor was brought back and looked at Duo's face. Stitches couldn't be used since there was skin missing in gaps that would never be closed and all that the doctor could offer was some kind of gel and gauze. The bandage seemed to take up all of his face as Duo sat there while the doctor checked his eyes for some sign of a concussion. She got a confused look on her face while Duo quietly answered a few questions for her about the date and time. She left unnerved in the face of Shinigamii staring back at her out of Duo's eyes and left quickly.

Roan disappeared for a time and was replaced by Wyn, the man with the driving skills and Duo knew a reprimand was taking place somewhere in this large complex and smiled for it. He pretended to go back to work and though Wyn didn't have quite the talent with language that Martin had, he was nowhere near as stoic as Roan. So he offered up a few jokes while Roan was gone and Duo was distracted enough to be less "productive" than he usually was. It was also an opportunity presenting itself that Duo could not ignore.

Duo immediately started to calculate, making compensations for his busted leg. Everything had to be given more time, which he hated, but he wasn't going to let this get away from him. He might be slower but he was in no way any less dangerous or determined. Duo knew his chances of getting out of her alive were falling lower all the time, so he just pushed forward and put that part of the plan out of his mind. He was going to run this as he might have during the war. This was his last mission, every mission was his last, leaving no room for error, if he got out alive in the end, it was just an added bonus.

"Hey, Wyn?" Duo pushed away from the computer, being overly careful to take his leg off its little ottoman. "Can I get a bathroom break?" Wyn hadn't been hanging around and Duo was more than willing to guess he really had no idea what was going on, had just been given instructions on what to do with Duo and nothing on his condition. And Duo was pleased to see he was right. Wyn apparently had no idea that he should be keeping a hand on Duo; instead he was offering Duo help in getting up and out of the chair.

"Thanks man." Duo pulled a grin out of nowhere that was dazzling and he knew it made his eyes look bigger and his features look elfish. Wyn smiled back and escorted him out of the room. Duo knew where all the cameras were now and knew that there was only one in the bathroom pointed into the middle of the room. Duo hadn't liked the idea that these men were keeping eyes on him at all times, even in the bathroom, but now it gave him an idea. He buddied up to Wyn as he waddled into the bathroom, putting emphasis on his injury.

"Wyn…ummm…can you cover me while…uh…ya see, I can't stand an…awe man!" Duo put a little stutter in his voice and called up a blush. He looked down and away, keeping his eyes exposed to Wyn through his bangs and making them skirt around as if he were nervous.

Wyn looked confused and then looked up to see the camera and laughed. Duo forced himself to blush harder and let himself be a source of amusement to Wyn.

"Hey sure, No problem." Wyn moved so that he was shadowing Duo as he moved into one of the stalls that had no door. "They're all sick fucks upstairs, I wouldn't want to have to take a piss in here either." He faced out with his back to Duo and rocked on his heels while Duo played at working down his pants. He wanted to yell at Wyn, such an armature thing to do! You never give the enemy your back and you don't fall for the act he'd just fed Wyn! Stupid; get you killed stupid.

Duo cursed himself for not wearing a belt, for the fact that he'd stopped binding his braid with a hidden wire and that they'd taken away any towels or…well, anything he could have used for strangling. But he was far from helpless. He didn't have enough time to get his brace off his leg and use that, so Duo knew he would have to do what he really didn't want to, what he had avoided doing though most of the war, use his bare hands.

First Duo slipped out of his left shoe enough so that he could lean against the wall and kick it off. He used to shoe to both smash the camera and distract Wyn.

Wyn looked up at the camera and Duo used a little leverage from the toilet, the fact that his leg didn't hurt at all didn't go by unnoticed, and simply jumped on to Wyn's back. He was just grateful he could pull this off, if he could manage this, it was going to make the plan go more smoothly. Everything else would've had to been changed, but the fact that he could make even that small a jump showed him just how effective the drugs they were slipping him were. How ironic that the very thing that had hindered him so, helped him out now, but a small part of him did stand up and question what was going to happen when whatever he was on now was worked out of his system?

Duo let Shinigamii wash over him as his thoughts buzzed around, anything to distract him from the feel of Wyn under his hands, fighting for air, cursing him with what little air he could get down. Duo kept his hands tight on Wyn's neck, fighting to find his windpipe and then crushing it as best he could, work his fingers to lace together and squeeze together. Wyn jerked beneath him, panic settling in and he staggered about, throwing himself back into the wall, trying to knock Duo lose. But Duo held on, ignoring the slamming his body took as Wyn beat him against the wall. He felt it when Wyn was able to ram him back into something that wasn't just wall, but with the camera broken someone would be coming soon to check and see what had happened and Duo suspected that it wasn't going to be long enough to take Wyn down.

What he needed was a weapon, a gun, a knife, a fucking spoon! Something. Duo blinked rapidly as a particularly hard blow knocked his head against the tiled wall. He tucked in close, leaving his back exposed but keeping everything else buried against Wyn. He concentrated on breathing and tried to ignore how fast Wyn's pulse was going beneath his fingers.

Four minutes, he'd read somewhere that it took four minutes to successfully strangle someone to death. Four minutes was a surprisingly long time when you had to hold someone down while they struggled against you to live, a long time to hold someone's pulse beneath your fingers, beating frantically against your own. Duo didn't know how long they'd been there, but as soon as he'd wondered that Wyn sort of collapsed beneath him, his legs giving out first in his losing battle against Shinigamii.

Duo knew he was holding on long enough to knock Wyn out, but to be sure of death he would have to keep holding on, which was just weird when Wyn wasn't moving anymore. Shinigamii was so close to him now that he wasn't sure which one of them was killing Wyn, which served him just fine. He wasn't sure he could be doing this without his other persona. Shinigamii was the part of him that allowed him to do this.

Shinigamii didn't enjoy this though, no, not even a little bit. Duo was glad of that, otherwise he would have turned himself in a long time ago to a psyche ward for schizophrenia. No, Shinigamii was just practical. Yet, the smile still bothered him. The fact that through everything, he was still smiling.

The door burst open and five men came running in. Duo was glad when Roan wasn't among them; he wasn't going against that man without at least a knife in his hand, if not a gun! Duo let go a Wyn, well aware that he fell short of the four minute limit, knowing that the man might get up again and cause him problems, but the men coming in had guns, and he could take care of that later. He had no problem with shooting someone who was a threat to him, no problem at all, but the feel of Wyn's life under his hands still sent a cold thrill down his spine.

The five men quickly surrounded him, pulling out guns and sighting them on him. But Duo knew better than to let them get into position, he moved as soon as the door had burst open. He instantly threw himself right at the man closest to him, and as suspected it threw him off. Most people holding guns didn't expect their target to come crashing towards them, regardless of a loaded gun. Truth be told most people aren't that stupid, but Duo had nothing left to lose in his mind, so he simply threw everything to the wind and trusted that the man would be thrown off just enough to not pull the trigger.

Duo hit him with his shoulder, low to the stomach and hip area and they both went down in a tangle of arms and legs. Duo wrestled the gun from the man, breaking a few of his fingers along the way, effectively making him drop the gun rather than risking a shot going off since the gun was mostly pointed down at their tangle of legs.

The other men didn't shot, as Duo had suspected, since their comrade was still in the line of fire and Duo knocked hi away with an elbow to the nose and got his shots lined up. He took down three, the first one at the knees since he wasn't quiet clear of his first victim yet, before they gave up trying not to shoot each other and just fired into the fray. Duo felt a shot to his injured leg distantly, knowing that couldn't be good, but not really giving it proper thought. He just let it go and sighted down the barrel of his gun and shot another man between the eyes and a bullet passed severely close to his ear.

Duo took refuge behind the bodies that were pilling up around him while his last man ducked into one of the open stalls. Duo paused, waiting, watching the feet disappear from view in that little gap underneath the stall wall, meaning that his last target was standing up on the toilet stool.

Duo became aware of his hearing slowly coming back when a slight ringing in his ears started to make his teeth clench and unclench in annoyance. The sound fro the guns were loud by themselves but they had been amplified by the tiled walls, echoing off each other before Duo had a chance to notice one of his senses was gone. He wondered as he waited idly, with a seeming unending patience stealing over him, how much he had missed. How man curses had been slung his way, or even if he last target were trying to say something to him now. The only other thing he could hear besides the ringing was the sound of blood rushing past his ears in time with his heartbeat. Beyond that, everything was a crushing silence that made him want to pop his ears.

Duo didn't have time for this waiting game. With the cameras out, someone was probably still watching the cameras out in the hall, waiting for some kind of signal. Duo had no doubt that if they didn't get that signal soon that more men would be sent in, and he needed to be in a larger space to deal with more men the way the bodies were filling up this bathroom now. So Duo aimed at the toilet beneath the man and started to raise the gun straight up from that point until he was halfway up the stall wall and just started firing into that metal barrier. It wasn't that thick and turned out to be hollow. And since Duo now had other guns from the men who'd fallen around him, he had more bullets.

He saw the body fall onto the floor before he spilled out of the stall, dead. Then Duo found that he had two, no, three, men still alive around him. The man who'd taken a shot to the knees was braced against the wall, but had no gun, he was just watching Duo with a blatant mixture of fear and anger burning in his eyes. But the man whose gun he now had in his hands, the one who was bleeding down the whole front of his face from where Duo had knocked him in the nose, was quickly moving for a fallen gun, ignoring Duo and his now dead comrades.

Duo raised himself up onto his knees and one hand for a better shot and got him with a hit between the shoulders that came out the front of his neck, leaving a gapping hole that reminded Duo faintly of someone who had smoked too long and lost their throat to cancer. Duo turned then, switched out the magazine in his gun for another one in a discarded gun and took the last two hits. One into the man braced up against the wall which left a hole and smear of blood on the wall and then one into the unconscious Wyn whose body jerked and then lay even more still than it had been.

Duo stood shakily, distancing himself from the carnage around him, ignoring the growing smell of blood and dead bodies releasing their bowls from the absence of control. Duo breathed through his mouth and went around collecting another gun and the rest of the magazines and storing them in his pockets. He'd be slow to reload in a fire fight, but at least he'd have the extra ammo.

Duo started shooting cameras as soon as he was out the door. From this point on everything was going to be on his terms. Duo walked calmly and quietly back the way he'd been dragged by Roan only a few hours ago, though even with only that one event between then and now it felt like years had gone by. Duo shot each camera as it came into view, well aware of where they had been placed, recognizing a pattern used in many of the buildings he'd used to blow up during the war. There were holes, but it was an erratic set up, he'd been able to maneuver it during the war, sneaking up on the control room without ever being seen, but that wasn't his goal this time.

Duo just walked straight down the hallway, shooting one camera after another, imagining what it must be like for the guys watching him as one after another all their screens turned to static. It made him smile, almost laugh, but he bolstered that urge down, recognizing it for the bad idea it was to start laughing now.

Duo could hear people just beyond his sight, rallying for an assault on him, but they were too late. Someone had either underestimated how fast he was moving or just forgot what rooms were between him and them because he had the weapons storeroom in his sights.

Duo sauntered in, locking the door behind him and could hear curses behind him from one hallway down as someone seemed to finally realized where he was. Duo took out the two cameras in the room and then started moving meticulously along the shelves and shelves of guns, ammo, grenades, knives and finally, explosives.

Everything was neatly labeled and obsessively orderly, it was all too easy. Duo found a vest that was only one size too big for him and fit it in place. It was lined with Kevlar and had more pockets than anyone would need in a lifetime.

Duo began loading up, slinging two different types of guns over his shoulders, loading more ammunition into his pants pockets and some of the lower pockets on his vest and the rest he filled up with explosives, transmitters and a detonation trigger.

Duo loosened his brace allowing for more movement, knowing he was probably screwing his leg up so bad it would never heal right, but he just needed it to last the next few hours, after that it wouldn't matter. He tested his range of movement and jogged across the room to see how it would handle that and felt a chill run up his spine when again his leg didn't give any signs that it was broken at all.

Duo ignored the whispering in his head that told him to just hole himself up in this room and wait for Heero to come, that it'd been long enough that Heero would be here soon, that if he could just hold out a little longer he wouldn't have to do any of the things that lay before him. But Duo knew too much to believe that voice; he knew his odds were lost and that there was very little chance Heero would find him tonight, tomorrow or at all. Carigan wasn't an idiot…well; he wasn't dumb enough to let anyone find this place who wasn't invited.

Duo steeled his resolve and threw open the door, he was down on his good knee, letting his bad leg splay out to the side, braced up against the door jamb. All the fire that peppered the doorway went straight over his head and Duo began taking down gunmen. He took two to the chest before the gun fire ceased and Duo spared a thought as to what a bad idea it had been to fill his confiscated vest with explosives.

He could feel the bruises blossoming on his chest as he stood and started down the hallway again. He was just glad he hadn't sustained a cracked rib yet. It was a common thing when taking bullets and wearing Kevlar and it would slow him down even more than his leg, but he was doing well so far.

He'd already set up a good deal of explosives to his detonator in the weapons store room, that one would make the biggest bang when he set it all off, but he needed more than that to bring this place down. So Duo started to systematically make his way around the complex, setting more bombs set to his detonator and avoiding the searches for him when he could.

He took out most of the security, cursing himself for not finding out where all these cameras led to, but knowing that he'd taken out enough of their surveillance that at this point it didn't matter. He set explosives at all the doors he could find that lead outside, stopping himself several times from just walking away. If he just left now he knew it'd only be a matter of time before Carigan came after him again, he needed to end this now, taking himself out with it.

Duo worked his way in a sort of spiral through the complex, starting with the outer hallways and working towards the center where Carigan's office was. He was guessing the man would still be there. Sure, it was in his best interest to leave, to take his plane and leave, but when was the last time the bad guys were that smart. Carigan's ego was just big enough to ensure that he was still there, still so sure that his men would take down Duo before he could come after him with his own guns.

Duo had lost track of how many he had killed, purposefully forgot to keep track as he walked the halls, letting the part of him that killed surface and lead him to the man in charge of a small army of men that reminded him so much of OZ. Carigan's madness couldn't be contained, his mind shown through with a sever case of obsessive compulsive disorder. Duo could see signs of the man everywhere, the way all his men dressed, the layout of this complex, the set up of his security systems, all of it screamed paranoia and ego, a bad combination.

Yet he still held all the same flaws that got all these men killed one day, and Duo took his knowledge of these flaws and extorted it to the best of his abilities.

Duo marched himself up the stairs that lead to Carigan's office, stopping when he hit the middle, a small landing suspended in the air dramatically, leaving him exposed on all sides, but it didn't really matter now. He'd already set the top level to blow and had just finished setting his traps on the bottom level, making sure the ones who were going to be lucky enough to get out of here wouldn't soon forget him, or underestimate his past again.

Duo waved and smiled at the camera he'd left there at the head of the stairs, knowing the smile didn't reach his eyes and pulled out his detonator. He held it dramatically in front of himself, mimicking his lover's suicide on purpose, hoping he'd succeed where Heero didn't, knowing that his failure would mean Carigan's survival.

He pushed the button and everything around him transformed from concrete and metal to a blazing hell that burned and raged throughout the building Carigan called home.

The force of the impact sent Duo forward, his arms lashing out and barely hitting the floor before his face did, catching enough of the impact to save him broken bones, but not taking enough to save him from most of it. The air whooshed out of him and left him coughing, straining for the hot air that made his lungs itch and his eyes tear.

Duo looked up, not seeing anyone around, taking heart that they were all dead or trying to get out of there rather than stay behind to keep fighting him. Duo pushed up, his arms showing the burns from the heat of that first explosion. He could still hear it going off somewhere to his left, sure that that was the weapons store room. Duo stopped himself from rubbing his arms, leaving the burns alone. He started walking up the stairs again.

He found that his brace on his leg was trying to come off, parts of it melted away. Duo took a second to tie it off, he needed it to get up the stairs, regardless of the fact that he could have probably walked without it with the drugs still working, but a distant prickling sensation made him weary.

So Duo climbed, using what was left of the hand railing to get himself up, ignoring the heat that was building around him. He didn't like that his mind was reminding him that most people in burning buildings didn't die from the smoke or the building coming down on them, but from the heat. He just pushed, pushed and pushed, ignoring everything else, he wouldn't make the mistake of not making sure Carigan was dead, he was going to see that man's brains spilled out before he'd believe him truly gone form this world!

Duo pushed at the door, half off its hinges and walked into Carigan's office which was amazingly untouched by the heat, but quickly warming up. The windows were gone, but the door and reinforced walls had saved him from most of the general explosion, leaving him disgruntled with only minor injuries. One of which was a blow to the head which had blood running into his right eye, which made him only look more crazed as his eyes came to rest on Duo.

"MAXWELL!!!" he yelled and Duo smiled, pulling up the gun from his side and sighting on Carigan. A shot between the eyes should do it; a nice big exit wound to the head would have him down and beyond the count.

Duo was vaguely aware of the gun in Carigan's hand coming up from behind the desk, his own forehead itching from the sight on it that he couldn't see. But it was all distant.

"You're just like me, don't kid yourself into thinking this martyr act is fooling anyone, you're far worse than I could ever be, you're a terrorist, you're a murderer, a killer, a…" Duo shut him up, then calmly walked around the desk and fired into Carigan until his gun clicked empty, reloaded and emptied another clip into the dead body at his feet.

"I know I am." Duo whispered to the body, "I'm Shinigamii."

Wu Fei wasn't driving nearly fast enough for Heero. They had seen the smoke and light from the explosion while they were still ten miles away. Heero's heart had stopped. They'd spent too long trying to find Carigan, too long getting there, too long and now Duo was…

Wu Fei had picked up speed and Ember had laid a hand on his shoulder from the back seat. Heero pushed those betraying thoughts from his mind and gripped the dashboard harder, urging Wu Fei on by sheer will. He willed Duo to be outside, waiting for him, willed him to have gotten himself far away from an explosion like that, but he recognized Duo's handiwork and knew him well enough to know Duo wouldn't be sitting by the side of the road waving them down.

Wu Fei drove more recklessly than Heero had ever seen, gone was the careful and attentive driver who was always mindful of the speed limit and rules of the road. Wu Fei drove hard as if they were running from hell rather than to it.  
Heero had his seatbelt off and the door open as Wu Fei skidded to a halt at the end of the driveway that lead into a large building. It might have appeared to be more like a warehouse if flames hadn't been jumping out of it and walls collapsing from the damage and burning. Heero led Ember and Wu Fei up the driveway at a run, weapons out and ready. But the few bodies they did see were either running from the fire or lying still on the ground.

Heero recognized a lost battle when he saw one and began dropping weapons as he ran, gaining speed on Ember and Wu Fei who were slower on the up take to ditch their extra weight. Heero went blank inside, all fear and rage gone from him, one objective left in him burned as he ran straight into a burning building, Get Duo.

Dead or alive, Heero would have his lover in his arms before this building came down around them! But all coherent thoughts were gone from him, and he searched the grounds of the broken complex with a single minded goal.

Wu Fei and Ember broke away from Heero as they followed after him, Wu Fei the most hesitant of them, though even his wavering heart beat sure at the thought of his friend still in this madness. Ember's heart ached and her rage was unmatched by her teammates. Where as Heero searched for the other half of his soul, Ember's was already gone, she had nothing left to lose. So while she did search for Duo, refusing to let Heero suffer as she would the rest of her life, she also kept an eye out for the man with the gun, the devil who'd stolen her world only because he could, she searched for Martin with equal exuberance.

Heero shoved aside a beam that had fallen but only started to burn just moments before, he found stairs; something he'd lost in the smoke but had known would be there. He raced up them, one gun still in his hand and one more still holstered in his shoulder rig. He knew nothing about Carigan, nothing about how the man thought or set up his home, but he did know something about arrogance. He'd fought against it all through the war and after it, and he was betting that Carigan had it as much as any of the men he'd killed. All these men who sought to bring their profitable war back, who saw blood shed and suffering as a type of commerce.

If Carigan were anything like those men, and he was, then Heero knew where his "office" would be, and if he knew that, he knew where his Duo was! So Heero took the stairs two at a time, mindful of how the structure was holding, testing it in the back of his mind in case he had to come back down that way.

He took a chance and called out for someone he needed to see again, not just one more time, but for the rest of his life, someone he couldn't lose.

"DUO!?" Heero broke the top of the stair and saw an open door before him. There, braced against the door frame, leaning heavily on his left leg, stood Duo. Heero could tell he was injured, was already mentally logging each one even as he ran to Duo and gathered him forcefully in his arms, and crushing them together. Heero breathed in with his face buried in Duo's neck and hair, affirming his presence, making sure he wasn't some vivid hallucination.

"Oh Gods! It is you!" Duo grasped tightly at Heero's back, bunching his shirt up into his fists as he hung on to the last solid thing in his world he'd never expected to see again. "I heard you, but I thought it was just my mind, I thought…"

"Heero stopped Duo's words by squeezing him tightly, if he didn't let them be spoken out loud then it would have never happened!

"What's wrong with your leg!?" Heero demanded as he finally pulled away, unable to ignore the ever growing heat, though the smoke was escaping somehow. Heero suspected that most of the roof was gone, but the walls were more than enough to kill anything still alive in the building if they came down.

"Roan broke it." Duo didn't stop long enough to explain very much, he was in pain again, "The drugs they gave me for it are wearing off, I can't put weight on it anymore; I barely made it to the door." Duo hated to admit to this weakness, but now that Heero was here he had to get out, had to make sure he hadn't just taken Heero down with him. So Heero had to know how bad things had gotten, because the man was just stubborn enough to insist that they both get out of here alive.

Heero nodded and brought Duo's arm up over his shoulder, taking the brunt of the weight off of it. He started for the stairs and was grateful to see nothing else had fallen on it yet, they still had a mostly clear path down, if it would hold.

Heero held his tongue as they started down, though the open wounds on Duo's face had not evaded him. He saw three perfectly even strips of skin gone from Duo's face and rage and fear began to build up in him again, his calm gone instantly when he'd seen Duo staring back at him in surprise and hope. Heero was distracted by the remains of gauze and tape on Duo's face that told the story of a dressing there, but it seemed to have gone in the explosion, along with the skin off of Duo's arms. But now, they were halfway down the stairs and having problems.

"Shit!" Duo cursed as his other leg started to give under him. "Shit, Shit, SHIT!" Duo yelled as he leaned even more on Heero who took the weight, but the worry for Duo was worse. In the end Heero ended up just taking Duo clean off the ground and getting them to the bottom of the stairs quickly.

"Damn Impressive Yuy," Duo gasped for air past his pain, his burns adding pain and making his eyes tear, "But we both know you can't manage that all the way out, not like this…" Duo had fallen to the ground when Heero had tried to put him back on his feet, testing his good leg.

Duo looked up at Heero who had stopped to kneel beside him, getting into position again to carry Duo the rest of the way, defiance written on his face in soot and blood. Duo sighed heavily and took his arm out of Heero's hold, making Heero's cobalt eyes meet his own violet ones. He tried to put love in his eyes but was pretty sure he only managed hopelessness and pleading.

"NO!" Heero shouted, instantly understanding the words that had been about to come out of Duo's mouth. "NO! Don't you Dare! Don't you DARE ask me to leave you behind, EVER!" Heero yelled at him, shaking him almost violently as he took hold of Duo's shoulders. "Don't you get it Duo, I Love You! Don't you ever ask that!" Heero brought Duo into his chest, holding him tight, as if they could just sit there forever and let the building burn down around them, as if his arms alone would protect him from the rest of the world.

"Awe, how sweet, is this what made you run Maxwell, finally find a fag stupid enough to want you despite your looks? You must be one hell of a lay for him to ignore that ugly mug of yours." Martin stood there, in a doorway that had once lead to another room, feet shoulder length apart, feet firmly planted, both arms raised and aiming down the barrel of a very big gun right at Duo's face.

Duo was about to answer, was about to tell Martin that he'd never find out, was about to do something stupid that would probably get him killed. Heero was about to push Duo down to the floor, was about to shove himself between Duo and the Gun. Martin was about to squeeze the trigger, was about to destroy the man who had ruined everything for him. But it was Ember who won the race.

"You'll Not Touch Them!!!" Ember screamed as she came round the corner behind Heero and Duo, two guns raised and already shooting, Wu Fei right behind her. Her bullets riddled Martin's body, destroying him, making human hamburger out of his back where the bullets exploded to make an exit. She screamed and stood over those she'd sworn to protect and killed the man who had killed Rivee. She kept firing till her guns just clicked empty and squeezing the trigger didn't make Martin's body dance anymore. "FUCK!" Ember screamed and her hands trembled almost uncontrollably as he reached for more bullets, as she tried to reload her gun and kill him again.

Ember saw the hands grab her own, saw someone take the gun from her and a voice somehow made it to her ears. "He'd dead Ember, let it go."

Ember nodded, balling her hands into fists in front of her, gaining control of herself again. She reigned in her anger, her bottomless anger, and hid it away. She focused her eyes long enough to go to Martin's body, take his gun and then rejoined the rescue mission still set before them.

Wu Fei had gone to Duo, had asked him a few questions about his leg and then had assessed the situation. A few quick words with Heero and they both pulled Duo's arms over their shoulders. Duo winced at the pain of their hands pinching his burned wrists, but said nothing as they stood as one and lifted him off the ground.

"Ember, can you get door?" Heero called and Ember nodded, stuffing Martin's gun down the back of her pants and holstering her own guns. She ran forwards and moved the few debris that had blocked the entrance back up after they'd first come through it.

Ember ran ahead, making sure they didn't run into any more trouble and Wu Fei and Heero carried Duo who was only trying to keep his legs from snagging on anything as they dangled almost useless beneath him.

He tried to keep his mind thinking, kept trying to remember something he might have forgotten, but the only thing that kept coming to mind was Heero. He'd come, he'd come for him when he'd been inside a burning building. Heero loved him, really and truly did. He and Wu Fei had come for him. And Ember. She'd killed Martin but now she was helping them get out. Did she know it was his fault? She had to! Yet they were all here, helping him get out of the mess he'd stuck his ass in again.

Quatre and Trowa where likely helping too, setting up things at home, ready to take over when Heero finally couldn't carry him anymore, when Wu Fei gave out and had to sleep with the rest of the mortals.

Duo looked up; saw the car ready, waiting to take him back. He'd been snatched from his path back, had been dragged back down to hell, had been kidnapped, likely forever. But he'd blown up hell and Heero had come back for him, had a car waiting to get him back on the path…but…Duo's heart stopped. He shoved his legs down into the ground and yelled at Ember.

"Ember! CAR!" He was only slightly relieved when her reaction turned out to be exactly what he had hoped it would be. She instantly drew her guns, fell to one knee and sighted down at the car. Surprisingly, Duo found himself shoved off onto Wu Fei as Heero mimicked Ember, only standing, and sighted on the shadow looming next to their car.

Duo stared back into Roan's eyes. His angry, crazed eyes. The eyes that had been elated when slicing off pieces of Duo, the eyes that now promised death, one way or another, the eyes that were tempted to run at him now, despite the guns trained on him.

"Who is he?" Heero asked quietly as Duo stared him down, Heero didn't like this staring contest, he like the man staring down his lover even less. Here was a very dangerous man, even more dangerous than them, escaping with only their lives. Here was a man who had lost something; he was crazed and desperate to lash out in anger at those who had 'hurt' him.

"Roan." Duo whispered to Heero who needed no further prompting. The moment that name had left Duo's lips the first time, liking it with the missing skin on his face Heero had logged it away with a mental command. This man was a walking target. Not a human being, just a target to be shot and killed dead.

Heero fired, Ember following suite a moment later and though they kept clear of the car and shot at the shadow of a man not seven yards away, somehow they still missed him. He was gone, faded into the darkness. But the image of him was burned into Duo's eyes.

Three for three. There were now three wounds on Roan's face that mimicked his, three newly forming scars that would match his forever. They had looked to be from a whip, though Duo shuddered when the thought passed through him, that he knew what kind of tool was used to make those matching lacerations…

Heero cursed next to him and Duo instantly reached out, grabbing hold of Heero fiercely, recognizing a tone that promised to chase after the man, hunt him down and kill him. When all Duo wanted right now was Heero's arms around him and a seat in the back of the car.

Heero looked down with anger into the hand that stopped him from going after the man who had hurt Duo, but when he saw the pleading and pain in Duo's face all his anger melted away. It pooled cool and dark in his soul, but was set aside for now. For now he would let the man go, though it burned in him to do so, it was Duo who needed his attention, his care. His love.

Heero knelt down and simply picked up Duo, cradling him against his chest and walked towards the car. Wu Fei walked quickly around to the driver's side, letting Heero take Duo from him and climbed in quickly. He started the car and hit the gas as soon as the doors closed.

Ember had climbed in on the passenger side next to Wu Fei, leaving the backseat to be taken over by Heero and Duo. Heero pulled Duo into his lap, ignoring any embarrassment Duo might have, for he had none of his own where Duo was concerned, and held Duo tight under his chin. He had no thought beyond holding Duo for the rest of his life.

Duo shoved his face into Heero's chest, ignoring the rest of the world, letting the car sooth his nerves and rock him into calm. Heero's scent surrounded him, overpowering the smoke and burning. His leg was throbbing hard with each heartbeat, and his face and arms burned in a constant sharp sting, but he couldn't bring himself to care about any of it.

He listened intently to Heero's heart beat and waited for it all to be over, for it all to fade away to blackness. Instead, he found his face wet with tears.

"Duo?" Heero asked quietly, noticing Duo's tears even when they were absent of sobs or any noise at all.

"It's my fault." Duo finally let out, saying it to Heero's chest, but still speaking loudly enough for everyone in the car to hear.

"What is, love?" Heero asked, stroking his hand along Duo's braid, the one part of him that was still intact, still whole and safe from Carigan. The rest of him was in ruins, barely held together in his arms.

"I Killed Rivee, it's my fault he's dead!" Duo moaned into Heero's body, his own finally jerking with a sob and wracked with a hard shiver that ran the length of his spine.

Heero opened his mouth to tell Duo that this just wasn't true but Ember turned in her seat to look at him and their eyes met. Heero backed off, though only verbally, he still held Duo tightly. Duo's resolve needed to come form Ember, not from him. He was just going to be there for Duo, just hold him until this all got better or they died of old age.

"What the Fuck Ever!" Ember sneered at Duo, who looked up in surprise and still managed to flinch at her harsh tone. "You didn't kill Rivee, Martin did. So I killed him. End of story." Ember stared hard into his eyes, daring him to say something.

"But…" Duo started.

"But what!?" Ember demanded, cutting him off. "Did you make him pull the trigger? Did you bribe him or order him? Did you watch quietly from somewhere safe while Rivee died?" Ember scolded, sounding like the mother she would never be now, but strong in the midst of it all. "You didn't do any of that shit, so you didn't kill him. So stop crying and love."

Duo didn't quiet understand her words, but her meaning was clear as she turned away from them and quiet fell over the car. Duo sat in Heero's lap, still holding on as if Heero were going to be snatched away from him at any moment. He looked at Heero and with their faces even, he saw worry in his lover's eyes.

"I'm sorry, I am!" Duo started again, earning a heavy sigh from Ember, but she stayed facing forward, giving them an illusion of privacy. "I killed them, I wasn't planning on…I'm a monster Heero, part of me is, will always be! I can't change that!" Duo panicked at the look Heero had given him. He didn't want Heero to leave him now, he wouldn't survive it! He loved him too much! He gasped for air, babbling on and on all those thoughts that had raced through the back of his mind while he'd killed so many. While he'd set bombs to kill more, while he'd shot Carigan point blank. While he'd just stared back at Roan while he was being skinned.

Heero silenced him with a kiss, forcing his words back down his throat. Heero kissed him till Duo stopped trying to break it and melted into his body, warm and desperate. Heero kissed him till the worry in his eyes was mostly gone and shown violet in the dark, bright and hopeful.

"Don't be sorry Duo. Part of me is a monster too. That's the part of me that's going to kill Roan and enjoy it, it's the part of me that would have killed Carigan if you hadn't. We both have parts of us that will always be that way. But I love that part of you just like a I love the rest of you, all of you!" Heero whispered against his lips, keeping them close and intimate, their eyes locked. "Just remember, so you don't doubt me again," Heero teased a little with a smile against Duo's lips, "That's the part of you that kept you alive, that's the part of you that got you back to me."

Duo swallowed hard and kissed him again, breathing him in and tasting him.  
"That's going to have to wait until we're back at Quatre's and all in our own rooms." Wu Fei told them sternly from the front seat.

Duo laughed, laying his head back down against Heero's shoulder, settling in for the long journey back and listening to the low rumble of Heero's laughter as it thrummed through their bodies. He was home now. In this car, back at Quatre's, even back in his own apartment by the beach, he was home so long as Heero's arms were there to hold him.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: Not making any money here! This is a fan fic, if I owned Gundam Wing you can bet I wouldn't be here!...or maybe I would, guess we'll never find out!

Ok, So I was going to write more of _BtG_ or of my One X One Shots after I finished the latest HP book, but something in me spoke up when I closed the book and reminded me that I had just one chapter of Scars left to write. Oh, and I got sick for a couple of days… So here we go, the End of Scars…

Scars

Chapter 20: Healing

Wu Fei called ahead and told Trowa and Quatre to meet them at the hospital. Duo felt dizzy as his listened to Wu Fei's words drift back from the front seat.

The hospital, the hospital where Rivee had died. Only a few days ago. No, that was wrong, they were too far away to be headed there. They'd taken a plane to get here, that meant it was going to have to be a local hospital. It was all crashing down, he was so dizzy! It was then that Duo remembered being shot; the bullet had hit his broken leg. He pulled away from Heero long enough to look down at his legs that were sitting on the seat next to them.

Heero's eyes followed him as Duo saw the blood seeping out of the wound in time to his heart beat. "Shit." Was all he had time to say before Heero was yelling at Wu Fei.

"He's been shot, get us there faster!" He was reaching out and clamping his hand down on the wound and Duo let out a yelp as the sharp pain shot up to his hip and his leg was throbbing. The pain meds they'd been giving him were deffinently gone.

"Duo, what happened to your leg!?" Heero was asking as Duo suddenly looked down at his hands in fascination. They were trembling again, which was to say that they hadn't been while he'd been kept by Carigan. He couldn't remember his hands shaking while he'd been typing his false program.

"Duo!" Heero's voice made him jerk and his leg sent that pain through his hip again.

"B-broken. Shin bone." Duo gasped out, his hands making fists as he rode the pain. It wasn't the worst he'd ever felt, but it wasn't the least either.

"Wu Fei…" Heero growled.

"Be calm Yuy, I would rather we get there and not get killed on the way! It would make for a rather sad ending to all of this!" Wu Fei growled back and Ember laughed in the front seat.

Duo held tightly to Heero the whole way to the hospital, trying to leave the image of Carigan's dead body jerking at his feet back with the burning building they were leaving behind fast. But he got no relief, not, to his surprise, did he drift off. At all.

That would have been a small blessing, but he was cursed with a sudden lack of need to sleep. Even the pain wasn't enough to cause him to lose consciousness. So He stayed awake and alert the whole car ride to the hospital. He was awake while Heero argued with Wu Fei over speed limits and hospital signs. He was awake while Ember yelled at them both and took over directing Wu Fei where to go. He was awake when they pulled up and Heero practically carried him into the ER.

Duo remained amazingly calm up until the point where a doctor was about to tell Heero that he could not accompany Duo into the ER. Then Duo got ready to pitch a fit, but all he really had to do was start moving around and yelling at the doctor before someone with more authority happened by and allowed Heero to go with him.

Duo took a hold of Heero's hand then and decided not to let go so that no one else got any funny ideas about him leaving. Heero looked surprised, but walked along side his bed as they pushed Duo into a small room with lots of shiny equipment.

There they gave Heero one of those green gowns and a mask and then removed Duo's pants with scissors so they could get at the wound. Duo got anxious right around then, but the new doctor told him that all this was going to be done while he was awake, and could he handle that?

Duo smiled then and said, "If you give me a local it'll be better than the last time I got a bullet removed!" and got looks from the doctor and the two nurses in the room with him. But the chuckle he got from Heero just made him grin wider.

"Alright then!" The doctor finally broke in, ending the odd moment and went about removing the bullet from Duo's leg and resetting the bone. Afterwards Duo got a cast and finally let go of Heero's hand long enough for him to go out to the waiting room and check on Wu Fei and Ember, while he got his arms treated with salve and bandages for his burnt arms and face.

Out in the waiting room Heero found not only Ember and Wu Fei but Quatre and Trowa. He spoke to them, Ember and Wu Fei had both had burns treated and been released only to settle in the waiting room again for news from Duo and to wait for Quatre and Trowa.

"When they release Duo I have rooms for all of us at Pear Tree Hotel just up the road." Quatre smiled and handed Heero a key. Heero smiled his thanks back and Quatre handed Ember and Wu Fei a key.

"Do you mind sharing?" He asked, his smile a little hesitant.

"Not at all." Ember smiled back, secretly glad for the company. She wasn't sure she could sleep alone, not so soon after…

"It's all right with me." Wu Fei smiled at her and they both regarded Heero.

"I'm so glad you two are safe!" Ember threw her arms around Heero's neck and he held her tightly, trying to convey so much to her that he couldn't find words for.

"Thank you." He finally muttered against her heavy hair. "I'm sorry." He added in a softer voice, pain lacing his heart for the loss of his friend.

"You're welcome, and I know." Ember answered, utter loss and sorrow shooting through her, but damn if she was going to go to tears right then! "Thank you."

Wu Fei nodded to Heero, following Ember out the door where Quatre's rental car waited for them.

"Will you be alright?" Trowa asked Heero, gasping his shoulder as if to take in total how Heero was feeling, knowing the man wouldn't admit to such a thing right now.

"Yeah, they'll release Duo soon; the nurse was talking about release papers right before I left. He's just getting his burns treated." Heero sighed, fatigue building up in his shoulders.

"Don't you dare leave this hospital before you get yours treated too Heero Yuy." Quatre scolded. Heero smiled and nodded.

"We'll see you in the morning. Breakfast at eleven? In the restaurant?" Quatre and Trowa let Heero back away, headed back to where he was sure Duo was done by now.

"Yes." Heero confirmed and gave them a slight wave before turning back into the inner doors of the ER and disappearing in the confusion there.

"Come on." Trowa pulled at Quatre's shoulders, bringing the shorter blonde man into the curve of his hip, where he fit just so.

Duo smiled as Heero came back and held up his arms, knowing his face looked the same wrapped in bandages and crowed, "Look! The return of the mummy!"

Heero snorted, covering his mouth, unable to control the sudden outburst of laughter Duo had won from him.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so quick to laugh," Duo smiled mischievously, "The nurses are looking for you."

And just like that Heero recognized the smiling face watching him at the doorway. The defensive position, the narrowed eyes. This was Shinigamii, Duo's protector when he couldn't deal anymore. These jokes weren't for anyone's sake but his own. Something to focus on instead of everything else.

And Heero knew he had to get Duo out of there. He smiled back, because that was what Duo wanted right then, and said, "Then I guess it'd just be easier to go and face my fate. I'll be back, hopefully with release papers."

Heero didn't want to leave Duo laying there, looking at him like that, but he had little choice if he wanted to get them out of there soon as possible. So he tracked down the nurses looking for him, had his burns treated and returned to Duo's side with release papers in just about half an hour.

They were out of the hospital and in the hotel within the next hour, leaving the prescriptions for pain meds for the next day and found that Quatre, as usual, had kept his head in a crisis and brought them each an overnight bag. Heero took his turn in the bathroom first, letting Duo unwind sitting on the single King sized bed. It wasn't an overly lavish room, the guys had finally gotten Quatre to cut back on spending money like that needlessly, but it was a nice hotel and as Duo sat in the dark looking around he couldn't help the almost violent shiver that wracked his body.

Carigan was dead. He was finally free from those monthly demands. Even while he'd been sheltered from that life these last months, he'd never lost the feeling of belonging to that lifestyle. He was a hacker, that's just what he was, he couldn't really see himself following the rules of the Preventors or finding and office job that would suite his needs. He was a hacker. He broke the rules and the firewalls that protected them.

What was he now?

Duo had a nagging thought that he needed to get out of this room. That it was too nice for him. That he didn't deserve it and that it was wasted on him. That he needed to get back to his apartment and back into the underworld before he lost a potential job to a young upstart who thought they could out hack him.

That thought was quickly followed by one that was just two words. It's over. And Duo had to relive watching Carigan die by his hands again. The jumping body that moved when it didn't breathe.

Duo fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling in the dim light from the bedside lamp. He really thought about going back now, what it would mean, and what he would be leaving behind. And though he knew he would never go back to that life, a part of him would miss it. The constant that had been his livelihood had filled so much of his time and kept his distracted from what he didn't have. It had been a rut, and though he hadn't been happy, he'd just been. He hadn't needed to struggle towards anything, or fight anything. He'd just been.

The easiness had been something he'd allowed himself to enjoy, in a way. And now that simplicity was gone and everything was just going to get even more complicated from here on out. So Duo allowed himself a brief moment to mourn the loss of that life, and then he was faced with a terrible, terrible question.

What would he do now?

The thought was terrifying. Duo had no idea what was left for him. His skills all seemed to hold strength in the underworld or if there happened to be a war going on. He could go into computer design, but how long before he grew tired of that and grew to hate his job. How long could he last before monotony forced him to run from Heero?

Duo was still laying there when Heero reappeared and pulled at his hands till Duo sat up. "Ready for bed?"

"Ready physically? No. Mentally? Yes." Duo looked down at the shorts and button down shirt he'd gotten out of the hospital with.

Heero smiled and dug into Duo's overnight, producing more comfortable pair of shorts and a long sleeved shirt that was thin, but would offer comfort.

Duo smiled and let Heero help him out of his cloths and then into the makeshift bed cloths. He dutifully brushed his teeth and hair and let Heero redo the braid before he crawled into the strange bed and settled down into Heero's arms.

They lay in silence and Duo could feel the tension in Heero's body and could breathe in the anxiety hanging in the air. Heero was fighting something, wanted to say something or ask something and he wasn't sure how Duo would react.

"What is it?" Duo finally asked, whispering it to the darkness in front of him but knowing that Heero heard him.

"I want to ask you something." Heero's voice was nervous and strained, something it rarely was.

"Ask." Duo said, not knowing what else to say.

"Would…you come with me? I have a condo in New America." Heero tried to feel Duo's answer through his ribs where he was holding him, but Duo gave no indication through breathing or through his muscles, so Heero just plowed on, trying to sell Duo on the idea. "It's new one of Quatre's mansions, and near the Preventor's NA Office."

"You…" Duo kept his breathing steady and forced himself to remain still, but every cell in his body was dancing. "You want me to move in with you?" He could hardly believe it. He was a complete wreck! He was falling apart at the seams and Heero still wanted him. As in forever. The promise was there, palpable in the air and making a part of him squirm in happiness.

"Yes. But only if you want to. If you want to start out on your own, if you want to take it slow I completely under…"

"If you finish that sentence I'm going to turn around and hurt you!" Duo threatened, turning around anyway so he could kiss Heero.

"You…you want to?" Heero asked as Duo kissed him, short and quick over and over.

"Yes you idiot!" Duo kissed him longer and deeper and Heero pulled him as close as they could get without shedding their skins.

"I love you!" Heero moaned into Duo's ear as they held onto one another, unbelieving and blissful at the same time.

"I love you." Duo whispered back, scared shitless but knowing that things couldn't really be all that bad with Heero by his side.

Duo was amazed at how fast the days started to go. It seemed that one minute they were having breakfast and Heero was telling everyone about their new plan to move out of Quatre's lonely, hidden estate and then they were all on a plane back to said estate.

Then Preventor agents were stopping by to take statements about Martin and the explosions at Carigan's 'offices' and that was when Duo found out that Melinda was still alive. Still alive and in treatment at the hospital where they'd taken Rivee. Time slowed down long enough for him to ask to visit her.

Duo let Heero drive him there, but he was glad when Heero let him go into her room alone. He wasn't locked in, though the wards had wanted that, Heero wouldn't allow it. Instead Heero waited just outside the door and Duo walked into Melinda's white spartan room with the promise to 'keep it short'.

"Hey Hun! How ya doin'?" Melinda looked amazingly pasty against the white sheets. Duo had thought such a contrast would make her look positively colorful, but she just looked worse to him. The white making her bruises all the more vivid and the tracks on her arms all the more gruesome.

"Great, how about you? I see Martin cared for you even more than he did me." Duo gestured to the thugs handy work.

"Ain't nothing I new to me cutie, I'm used to men bein' rough." Melinda's easy drawl somehow brought him comfort as he sat on the edge of her bed.

"I heard they finally caught you with drugs and they're going to convict you." Duo gave her a sad smile.

"Yup, looks like the end of the road. No more Dealin' for me." Melinda winked at him. "Can't say I'm all broken up about it tho'"

Duo laughed and smiled at her, finally seeing someone worth noticing in front of him. And she was even prettier without her convertible or shot dresses.

"Is it true that they'll be able to save people wit' what they found?" Melinda asked and Duo also saw for the first time, the caring woman she could have been, if drugs hadn't consumed her life.

"Yeah, it's true." Duo replied in all seriousness. "They even think they'll be able to stop progress of H.G.L.'s across the border." Melinda nodded but didn't say anything.

"Duo?" Heero's voice called tem both back from wherever they'd gone, both surprised to find Heero poking his head in.

"Yeah?" Duo already knew, but asked anyway.

"They say that the time is up." Heero didn't look happy but Duo knew they couldn't bully their way past this one.

"I gotta go." Duo smiled at Melinda and held out his hand.

"All right. I don't imagine I'll be seeing you around, so g'bye." Melinda's smile wasn't sad, as if she were glad she wouldn't ever see Duo again.

But Duo could understand that, and was even as glad of it as she was, getting another good look at the forced track marks up and down her arms. He said goodbye and they left the hospital. Duo couldn't say if he was happy or sad and decided to store it away in his memory and leave it that way.

Time picked up speed again, and more and more often Duo found himself seeking refuge in Quatre's garden/mini rain forest for peace and quiet. He started making trips into town again, and he was almost ready to ditch his sweatshirt, but with Ember's Fast Fix closed down now there was almost no point in going. So he stopped that too and just fiddled with his Rank and watched Heero work on the car the little time he was in the garage now. Mostly Heero was talking with Wu Fei or Quatre about transfers and security papers that needed signing. And he started to flounder again about his prospects. He still couldn't imagine working for the Preventors like Heero, but it seemed the only option left open to him.

So Duo was in the garden, just days before they were finally due to leave when Ember showed up. He'd been fiddling with the Rank until his shaking had gotten too bad from stress and he'd just laid it aside and massaged his hands.

"Hey." Ember poked his shoulder and pulled up a chair so she could sit next to him.

"Hi." Duo still flinched a little whenever she came around, but had gotten to the point where no one noticed anymore.

"What 'cha doing out here? The party's in there." Ember gestured with her head back to the house.

"Party?" Duo quarried

"Yeah, everyone's running around with cake and presents, I think they're throwing you a surprise party." Ember giggled.

"OH! Well way to ruin it!" Duo whined. Ember nearly fell out of her chair laughing.

"I couldn't help it, you're so spacey, I think it'll keep them on their toes if they think you know what's going on when you appear to be out here in your own little world." Ember winked.

Duo folded his arms and grumped. "So, is that why you're here?"

"Actually no, I'm here to proposition you." Ember leered.

"Wh-what!?" Duo felt his eyes twitch at the thought.

"A business proposition, pervert." Ember giggled again, and Duo knew full well she was wording everything awkwardly on purpose.

"Oh, What is it?" Duo rubbed his arms, it was time to go inside anyway, and thoughts of cake enticed him even further.

"I want you to open a bar with me." Ember announced and instantly got all of Duo's attention back on her.

"A bar."

"A bar!"

"With you?"

"With me!" Ember's smile was the brightest he'd seen since…

"Why?" Duo couldn't help asking.

"Because, that's all I know how to do. Run the Fast Fix and mix drinks. It's how I got myself through the three years of college I took. I was a bar tender. And then I met Rivee and well, then it didn't matter so much to get my degree." Ember started to look her, now, usual melancholy self and looked as if she'd just realized it and pulled her smile back on. "So, since we're both kinda jobless, and I figured you for a good business guy, I figure that together we could get a decent bar going!"

"But I don't know how to tend bar!"

"I'll teach you."

"But I don't have any money." A lie.

"Liar, and that why we're in this together." Ember argued back, seeing through his lie.

"I don't want to deal with drunks." Duo cringed.

"So it'll be a bar and grill." Ember compensated. "For spacers, we'll set up near port!"

"My hands shake." Duo finally spit out after thinking about it the last three times he'd tried to derail her.

"No one will notice." Ember said it very slowly and smiled at him very pointedly. And Duo knew he had no reason to say no.

"You're serious."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the light is on and someone finally came home!" Ember announced to the garden dramatically.

Duo smirked at her, but it faded as he actually gave it some serous thought. Learn how to bar tend. Own his own bar. Co-own. People didn't care how messed up the bar tender was as long as he could still pour a good drink. Would his scars and shaking really go unnoticed? What would Heero think? He'd be supportive, as usual. But was this really what he wanted? Could he do this? For a couple of months? For a year? For a couple of years? It sure wouldn't be boring. He already knew he could mange a business if he needed to. They could probably get a lone form Quatre himself! Heero would help them find a place. Wu Fei and Trowa would be there to help them set up, till they got a good staff.

But they'd need licenses to sell liquor. And food. It would be a lot of work, and any money they earned would have to go right back into the bar.

Ember kept looking at him, kept smiling. As if knowing his answer before he knew it. And then she hit the last nail into the coffin. "We can call it Rivee's."

Duo took a moment to look absolutely shocked. Then the corner of his mouth quirked up. Then he was smiling at her and she was grinning madly back.

"Ok. Let's do it!"

Ember let out a battle cry to the cloudy sky and jumped up out of her chair. "All right! This is so going to rock! We'll get waitresses and regular and a grill and we'll have to make up a menu, and we'll need a signature drink, I know just the one! And…"

"Ember! First we need a place!"

"Oh, right. I need an apartment!" Ember suddenly looked stumped. "Where did you say you guys were moving?"

"Heero!" Duo felt elation grab hold of him, he jumped up, grabbed his rank and he and Ember ran back inside, yelling at the top of their lungs, "We're gonna own a Bar!!! We're Gonna Owna BAR!!!!!" scaring the streamers out of Gil's hands and upsetting a tray of sandwiches out of Trowa's hands.

Duo ran to Heero, throwing himself into his lover's arms and cheering. "We're gonna owna bar Heero!" Heero laughed with them and spun Duo around.

Later they would tackle buying an old run down bar and sprucing it up, later they would find out how much an exterminator cost, later they would break nearly all of Quatre's glasses practicing, but for now they had the idea of a bar and the promise of some of the best years of their lives. And for Heero and Duo that promise coupled with their love for each other was enough to get them through any hard times coming ahead!

To Be Continued…


End file.
